Disclaimer—I am not allergic to blueberry yogurt, no matter what my dreams tell me. On that same note, no matter how many times I dream it, I will never own DB/Z/GT. *sniff*
A/N—YAY! FF.net is up! Guess what? I didn't do a %#$@* thing while it was down, just sulked, so don't expect a lot of updates ^_^ hehe. I took a break. It was nice. BUT, I suspect you're already flooded with updates, so you don't really give a &*$% ne? I really love censoring my words. My, I can cuss all the ^#%$ @*$% #^$* time now! And still rate it low!
______________________
A wailing roar came from the upstairs rooms of Capsule Corporation. There were loud crashes, rending cracks as furniture met its maker, and generally demonic howls emanating from the place.
Sitting in front of the television (by force of motherly threat) watching the latest Z-TV update, Chibi Trunks and Goten looked at each other and shrugged. Noticing the wide-eyed looks of their newly acquired grandparents, they took it upon themselves to explain.
"Mom," Chibi Trunks began.
'Videl,' gestured Goten, making a girlish face, following it up with devil horns, not at all perturbed by his inability to speak.
"And Ms. Chi-Chi," Trunks finished with a shudder, "They just found out that they've got tails, and I don't think they're very happy about it."
This statement was punctuated by a loud bang, a cry of "No, Videl, please!" and then silence for a second. An evilly feminine laugh followed, and then the yelps of "woman" and "Chi-Chi" followed by two loud clangs. The rest was silence.
Bardock and King Vegeta eyed each other apprehensively. They didn't even want to know. The zapping sound of snow, followed by a corny canned melody that was supposed to signify the importance of the announcement, drew all eyes to the television set. A man who attempted to look slickly important stepped onto the screen.
"Hello, this is Byron Nosir, with your Z-TV action news report. The strange tail phenomenon," There was a faint waving behind the man, obviously his own tail, "has taken a turn for the even more bizarre. We take you now, on scene at the world renowned Buildanose Clinic in downtown Satan City for word on recent events."
The screen blurred for a moment, and a petite blonde woman stepped on camera. "Hello, this is Ani Byutifl, reporting from the Buildanose Clinic, where Hercule Satan is holding a press conference about this recent er…TAIL." Ani Byutifl grinned saucily at her pun, "Taking you now, live, to coverage of Hercule Satan's press conference."
The menacing mien of the mealymouthed martial arts….er….master, engulfed the screen. Caught in mid-rant, Hercule was the very picture of outraged indignation, "And I say that it's all the fault of these aliens. First they come and blow up East City, then they try to get in my way when I'm defeating Cell, and now they have the NERVE to give us all tails! It's some kind of mind control device!" Hercule ranted this all in one breath, entirely oblivious to the fact that the events WERE connected. In his mind, suspicious events were suspicious events, and he might as well use them to his advantage. Taking another lungful, Hercule continued, "I advise all good citizens to do what I have done, and rid themselves of this menace!" At this statement, the mighty champ spun dramatically about, and yanked down his trousers, showing a large white bandage where a curly afro tail had formerly swung. The crowd blanched and several fainted as they were presented with the mighty hiney of the Great Hercule Satan. Hercule continued, oblivious to the effect of the er….full moon….on the crowd, "Get them removed! And if you come and get them removed here, at the Buildanose Clinic on downtown Satan street, you'll get a complimentary sticker that says, "Tailless like Satan!"
The picture of Mr. Satan ranting face faded away, to reveal the sickly visage of the now very pale Byron Nosir. "Well, you saw—er—heard it folks," the man exclaimed weakly, "Mr. Satan's announcement has spurred a flurry of plastic surgery appointments, dramatically hiking the statistics in that field, currently, 96% of all people on the planet, have or will soon have had, at least one plastic surgery operation. That makes it almost as popular as sliced bread!" the man exclaimed, recovering his oily demeanor and his sleazy smile.
"Uh, actually Byron," interjected a voice from off camera, "It's rather MORE popular than sliced—"
A muffled thump, followed by an agonized yelp ripped everyone's attention away from the argument on the television screen. Standing high on the couch stood Bardock, as close to teary-eyed as the warrior had ever come, protectively clutching his tail, muttering profanities unfit for chibi ears. On the floor at the base of the couch, stood little Marron, head cocked innocently, deadly weapon of mass destruction held in her hand, little blonde tail swinging lazily behind her. With a giggle, Marron jumped at the two boys seated in front of the television, positively delighted at this new game. Frying pan swinging gleefully, Marron chased the boys happily around the room. Round two of 'Smash the Tail' had begun.
_______________________
*VROOOOM!* Evil Mirai Gohan gave a cackle of glee as the time machine roared to life.
From inside the cantankerous contraption, Mirai Buu gave a little wail as the parts pressed and pulled, stretching and squeezing his tacky-like body. Poor Buu—to go from legendary evil monster to makeshift wad of chewing gum. Poor Buu.
Hopping into the time machine, Mirai Gohan gave an excited grin and revved the engine. From beside him, Mirai Cell smirked a secretive little smirk.
Reaching out, with only a moment's hesitation, the devilish demi-saiyan pushed the big flashing red button on the dashboard that read, "Trust Me You REEEEAAAAALLLLYYY Don't Want To Push This."
Rumbling, the time machine disappeared in a bright flash of light, transporting two plotters, and one badly chewed wad of bubble gum into a future, unknown.
______________________
Dende stumbled resentfully out of the liquor shop. Why did the humans run screaming when they saw him? Was it the tail?
Most of the establishments Dende visited were already abandoned, as a world of people came to terms with their new furry appendages, and the few that did retain their staff, quickly closed shop when they saw Dende stumbling their way.
"What's a God gotta do t'getta drink 'round here?" he muttered, wobbling over to a large lamppost and sliding down to rest at its base.
Sitting sullenly on the ground, Dende kicked at a few stray pebbles. He knew that he'd failed his ten-step program, and now all he wanted was to get well and truly wasted before he had to get back on that Godly wagon again. With a drunken snicker Dende corrected himself, Godly CHARIOT. He'd never be able to usher in the sun in a wagon!
Snickering on, and making a few more allusions to Greek myth, Dende was shocked out of his little game by a bright flash of light.
A large, egg shaped vehicle descended abruptly from the heavens, making Dende's liquor clouded mind jump to the conclusion that perhaps Apollo was actually there, angry at Dende for stealing his thunder.
Pulling himself to his feet, Dende walked woozily up to the vessel and pounded on the side, "HEY! APOLLO! Come on, Man, I was jusht kidding! Don't be a shore lozher! Iszh not MY fault I'm Kami…" Staggering a little more, Dende fell to the ground, and snoring, began to drool as his body struggled to metabolize all of the liquor he'd drunk.
The door to the vehicle popped open with a little hiss, and Mirai Gohan lurched out, clutching his head, "Whoo, that was some ride, but at least we made it!"
Taking a step forward, he tripped over something, and landed on his bottom with a thump. Lurching to his feet, he spun and glared angrily to see…Dende? Mirai Gohan's lips grew into a twisted smile. This couldn't have gone better had he planned it. Reaching down, he grabbed the little green god by the back of his neck and slung him over one shoulder.
Evil Gohan winced as a thin trail of Dende's drool streamed down his neck, and almost dropped the little Namek in surprise at the furry green tail that emerged from beneath his clothing.
Shrugging it off as yet another irregularity in an already %#&!'d up world, Mirai Gohan tossed Dende into the ship's cockpit, and kicked the fender. "Get this piece of &$%# into the air, Buu, or no candy for a week," he ordered, cruelly.
With a terrified whimper, Buu began huffing and puffing, trying with all his might to get the craft airborne. No candy for a week. Evil Mirai Gohan was a cruel master indeed.
____________________
Goku glanced warily at his fellow captives. It was hour two of the Capsule Corps. Hostage Crisis, and they were the captives. "Now Chi-Chi, come on, it's not that bad, and I swear I had nothing to do with it! Gohan told you it was the kids!"
Gohan flinched as his mother's attention was redirected to him. He already had more than enough trouble with Videl spearing him with her eyes. It didn't help matters that he found the black tail whipping behind her absolutely fascinating. Opening his mouth, Gohan repeated his earlier explanation, "Trunks and Goten accidentally wished for everyone on the planet to have tails. Err…" gulping, he added, "AndTrunksaccidentallywishedGotenmuteaswell." Fortunately Chi-Chi was too occupied by the whole 'everyone in the world now has a tail' thing, to notice this last hurried phrase. Gohan scowled, contemplatively, he still didn't know what those two had been trying to wish for. He wasn't sure if he WANTED to know.
"And what's YOUR part in this again?" the blue tailed speaker's voice was harsh, her eyes narrowed in a glare.
Vegeta glared back, "NOTHING! If you didn't insist on hanging out with Kakarot, and his spawn, and his demon of a mate all the time, none of this would have happened!"
Bulma, Videl and Chi-Chi momentarily tried to follow this completely illogical train of thought, but, unable to comprehend the twisted mysteries of the male mind, they shrugged in unison, and left Vegeta to Bulma. Two whacks and a tail pinch later, the women adjourned to the other side of the room to discuss the situation with 18, and the two Mirai's who had carefully stayed out of it, avoiding their mother's wrath.
"Kakarot," the voice was a whisper, almost indistinguishable from the murmurs from across the room.
"Huh?" Goku peered warily out of the corner of his eye, to see Vegeta gesturing at him with his head inclined. Scooting a little closer, he whispered back, "What is it, Vegeta?"
"We're getting out of here," Vegeta breathed. "The onnas have gone insane. I saw it on the television the last time the gravity room broke down and I had nothing to do. It's called 'cult behavior'. I heard the brat's mate," he gestured to Gohan, "talking about some 'Order of the Pan.' That's obviously what they're calling themselves."
Goku's eyes took on a look of horror, "Oh no, Vegeta, what are we going to do? I've heard of cults, don't they…torture small animals and things?"
Vegeta grunted, "More likely torture big Saiyans, and they know that we have no defense against those stupid pans." With another quick glance around, the three stranded Saiyans set about making plans of escape. Anything to escape the horrifying 'Order of the Pan.'
_______________________
"So you believe them?" Videl asked, with a suspicious glance back at the scheming men.
Chi-Chi sighed, "Yeah. I don't really see how or WHY they'd all conspire to make us grow tails all of the sudden."
18 blinked, and nodded.
"I suppose. So, Chi-Chi, what
are you going to do now that you've lost your frying pan?"
Chi-Chi shrugged. When she had woken up, she'd noticed that her frying pan was gone. It wasn't in the dimensional pocket where she usually kept it, and it was no where in sight, "Oh, I was talking to Videl about that earlier, I'm just going to order a new pan. There's a magazine out called, 'Order of the Pan' or something corny like that. I've been thinking of getting a new one for a while."
Shrugging, the women resumed their attempts to wake poor Krillin, while the Mirai's sat quietly to the side, not even venturing a peep, purple tails curled nervously around their waists.
_____________________
The game ended as Bardock swept up the chibi menace, and removed her instrument of torment. Frying pan in one hand, giggling chibi Marron clinging to the other, Bardock sighed and took a good look at the situation. Here was he, forty years dead, still dressed in the annoying garb of Otherworld, still stuck with the ANNOYING wings, still followed around by that %@#$ harp (which would shortly be returning to Otherworld by itself, if it persisted in its intrusiveness), and on his wrist clung a little blonde chibi, swinging upside down by her newly acquired tail and laughing her little head off.
Laid low by the cruel little girl, were Chibi Trunks and Goten, curled up into hunched balls, hugging their tails woundedly. Even King Vegeta had not escaped unscathed. The older Vegeta had lost his pitchfork somewhere in the mess, and one of his horns had come loose, and was now dangling to reveal the glue marks where it had been attached.
Bardock sighed. Either the living world had changed significantly in the past forty or so years, or these people were insane. Plopping Marron down on the couch, Bardock reached around and unclipped the wings drooping from his back, "Hey, Vegeta," he called to the King.
Vegeta looked up from re-attaching the little broken point to the end of his tail, "What do you want, Bardock, I'm busy!"
Bardock grunted in annoyance, "You might as well take that stuff off. Your horns are coming loose, and it's starting to look like you're playing some chibi onna's twisted dress up game." Bardock snorted, "I'm sure the Supreme Kai didn't mean for us to wear these things the WHOLE time we were down here."
At this point, the happy little harp interrupted Bardock for the last time, and was reduced to a pile of ashes and twanging strings. Ignoring the sadly discordant notes that floated from the remains, Bardock stood refreshed in the plain white robe, rid of the itchy wings and the pushy harp. King Vegeta stared at him for a moment, then shrugged, and followed suit until he stood clothed in a simple pair trousers and a shirt, his horns replaced by a halo.
"I sure as hell hope you're right, Bardock," King Vegeta muttered, staring at the discarded junk. It wasn't that he wanted to wear the crap, but the Supreme Kai had insisted…
_________________
The Supreme Kai stared down in amusement at Bardock and King Vegeta. He was rather surprised that the warriors had left the corny costumes on as long as they had. "Oh well," he sighed. The joke had been over as soon as Gohan had stopped screaming anyway. Perhaps now it was time for the real game to begin.
Peering curiously down from his perch in Otherworld, the Supreme Kai saw that events were unfolding just as he'd feared. And it would all begin, with the delivery of a letter.
__________________
Mr. Popo looked up in surprise at the egg like machine that labored heavily over the edge of the lookout.
Carefully putting aside the bottle of water that he had wisely substituted for the liquor, Mr. Popo stood up and approached the hovering object.
With a loud creak, the lid flipped open, and a folded piece of paper was tossed out. An evil cackle sounded, and the machine scooted away into the distance, disappearing into the harsh glare of the sun.
With a worried glance after it, Mr. Popo stepped forward and picked up the note. Giving it a quick look-over, he paled to a light brown color, and yelled out anxiously to the only other person now residing on the lookout, "Piccolo, come quick! Dende's been God-napped!"
***After this long absence, I don't know if I will be able to resume my earlier posting schedule. I may drop back to once a week, seeing as I have recently rediscovered the sunlight. Gomen! R&R please!***