Chapter 19

Jean-Luc stood with his eyes closed. The water in his shower felt like burning needles as they stung his skin. He stayed under the spray many long minutes. The stinging of the water was reality. And more than anything else he needed to feel that reality.

When he finally stopped the spray, he wrapped a large white towel around his body and padded over to the replicator. "Tea. Earl Grey. Hot," he brusquely ordered.

He sipped on the tea while changing into his sleeping clothes. Slowly and deliberately he walked over the viewing port to watch the stars. These points of light seemed the only constant in his life right now. No matter where you were in space, there were always stars.

He had finished reading all the reports from his bridge crew. That was all the crew with the exception of Beverly. Jean-Luc sensed she had a different story to tell, but he decided that he wouldn't pressure her. When she felt that she could share with him all that had happened, he knew he would hear her story.

Jean-Luc walked slowly to his bed and lay down. He had been going over the details of the accident repeatedly. For all his effort he was no further ahead in its explanation. To himself, it had seemed that there had been no time passage between the initial malfunctioning of the holodeck computer and his rescue. It amazed him to learn that three days had elapsed while Kirk had run his ship.

While it seemed he handled the Ferengis very well, Jean-Luc decided it had been more of the "cowboy diplomacy" for which Kirk and his Enterprise had become so famous.

As the hours of the night ticked by, it was difficult to get comfortable. It wasn't that the bed had changed, but his mind was crammed with the details of everyone's report. He pointedly let his mind drift and just before he was about to fall asleep, he suddenly had a notion. Jumping up from the bed, he crossed the room to his computer console.

If Kirk was the consummate captain that Picard regarded him to be, he must have made some logs. "Computer, are there any personal or command logs by Captain Kirk?"

"There are seven personal logs and five Captain's logs, all recorded in the last seventy-two hours," came the succinct reply.

"Computer, access to the Captain's command logs."

The screen scrolled slowly allowing Picard to read. The logs contained essentially the same report as those of the bridge crew, basically containing technical information regarding the holodeck accident and the Ferengi situation.

"Computer, access to Kirk's personal logs."

"Stardate 49043.4 Several hours ago Captain Jean-Luc Picard recreated a holodeck program in which and I talked. A computer malfunction occurred and by some incredible accident we exchanged places. I do not know if this effect can be reversed. Data and Geordi have put to task the problem of finding a way to correct the situation. This Enterprise of Picard's is magnificent. I have yet to become familiar with much of the technology. This is all so incredible."

"Stardate 49043.9 It seems that this time period has just as many strange characters as our time did. These Ferengis, are interesting fellows. I wonder what Spock would have thought of their logic. I have sent a message to Starfleet. They'll probably think we've all gone mad when they hear I'm back on the Enterprise. It feels so good to command again. I know I don't belong here, but I almost hope the situation is permanent."

"Stardate 49044.6 I didn't know I could ever meet a woman like Beverly. I know we shouldn't have allowed what happened last night, but I couldn't stop it. Sounds crazy, but I am falling in love with her. After all this time did I need to go through all this, just to find her? Picard asked me if I ever had any regrets. I couldn't tell him the truth. I couldn't tell him that I had ended up a lonely old man. Beverly has given me something to live for. I don't want this all to end."

"Stardate 49044.9 It's hard for me to believe that the Klingons and the Federation coexist side by side. There's a Klingon security chief on this ship. Every time I look at him I remember David. I can't help these feelings. The Rura Penthe incident is still so fresh in my mind and I wonder if there are still some around who object to this alliance?"

"Stardate 49045.3 I feel so old and forgotten. I have just learned Spock is off chasing windmills on Romulus. Amanda and Sarek are both gone. McCoy has been dumped at some damn old fols' home. I can't even go to help him. Scotty has promised to look after him. Out of the four of us, who is happy? From my point of view none of us were allowed any kind of life outside of Starfleet. Who is there left to remember us? I'm not so sure I wouldn't change things, if I had the chance."

"Stardate 49045.9 How can I let her go? If only I could begin again. I wouldn't forsake a wife and family. I wish David were alive. I wish I had the chance to be a father to him."

"Stardate 49046.2 Spock has arrived to lend his help correcting the holodeck malfunction. My old friend has not changed. He is still as he was. I guess it is only logical, although he has certainly aged and is mellower than I have ever seen him. I would do almost anything to remain in this life.

Jean-Luc Picard, if you are listing to this, as you probably will, I hope you have learned something from this. Do me one more favor. Take care of Beverly. Tell her I loved her. Tell her to remember James T. Kirk."

"Computer," Jean-Luc whispered, "repeat the last entry." After he had once more listened to the personal logs of Kirk, he leaned his head against the contoured back of his chair. He allowed his mind to drift and he began to understand the words of a man Jean-Luc both admired and envied.

"Well Captain," Jean-Luc thought, "you had quite an adventure here on my Enterprise. I guess, judging by your log entries you must have enjoyed yourself. Beverly Crusher, hmm. You say you're lonely? Lonely is watching your crew grow, marry, have families - leave all of this madness, while I stay here watching. Back when I could have had a family, I never wanted one. I always believed I wanted my life doing exactly what I am doing. After all, there was always Robert with his family. Really that's all I was concerned with... carry on the Picard name. Now that my brother and René are both gone, the family ends here with me. Kirk found out late in life that he had a son. For a short while I thought Jason was my son. It was an incredible feeling. To have a son...What would I do...? What would I do if that happened to me?"

He stopped speaking, and closed his eyes, allowing the scenario to unfold in his mind's eye. Shaking his head he stood up and moved once again to the bed attempting to relax enough to allow his body's natural functions to take over. He realized that as soon as sleep overtook him, his thoughts would cease their mania.

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