Chapter 20
Picard heard the door signal through what seemed to be a heavy fog. Trying to move was futile because his arms and legs were heavy and movement was almost impossible.
The haze was thick and swirling, and it seemed his lungs were unable to contain enough air for breathing. He was gasping and with extreme effort he stretched his arm outwards to the void in front of him. He moved, or rather it seemed more like flowing in a forward motion. A form was slowly emerging from the mist. It was a form of a man. It seemed his arms hung down at his side, useless. The closer the effigy got, the more familiar it seemed, but still Jean-Luc couldn't recognize the figure.
In one last terror filled moment, the figure took the last few steps, which brought him face to face with Picard.
"Robert, Robert, it's you!" Jean-Luc sat up in bed gasping, calling out in sweat-soaked fear. A combination of horror and disbelief filling his mind, his body reacting violently.
The doors opened and Beverly came rushing in and hurried to the bed. She put her arms around Jean-Luc trying to comfort him. Something was terribly wrong with the Captain.
"Jean-Luc, it's me Beverly. Relax it's only a dream. You're okay. Relax."
Jean-Luc gasped for air, his fingers clutching Beverly's arms.
"I'm okay, I'm okay," he croaked hoarsely.
"Jean-Luc, what happened?" She drew her hands softly along the sides of Jean-Luc's head, down to his chin. Her long slim fingers cooling his skin as they traced the tracks on his perspiring face.
"Beverly, it was Robert. He called me. He needed me." Jean- Luc closed his eyes and slowly shook his head. "But it couldn't have been Robert could it? He's dead and I still can't believe it. I don't know why I am dreaming these things?"
"Maybe, somewhere deep inside of you, you feel like you have unfinished business with Robert." Beverly sat on the side of his bed and drew her knees up, crossing them under her. She felt chilled and pulled her thick sweater tighter around her. She had hastily slipped on exercise pants, a cotton shirt and sweater before she left her quarters for Jean-Luc's. She needed to talk to him. As she had approached his door, his shouts alarmed her and using her medical protocol, she was able to enter the room.
Picard looked deep into Beverly's eyes. In them he found the strength to recapture his composure.
"I'm alright," he whispered, strength surging through his body by sheer will. "It was just a dream. I'm okay now."
Jean-Luc rose and walked unsteadily to the vanity area. He came out wiping his face with a cool cloth, his chest still expanding and constricting noticeably. In a much stronger voice, he announced, "I'm fine. Really I'm fine." He was at a loss though, for what to say to her. He had figured out what had taken place between Kirk and Beverly based on Kirk's personal logs. His heart went out to her, but he didn't know how to console her.
"How about you Beverly? How are you doing?" It was a ridiculous question, which was obvious. He felt more than a little uncomfortable discussing Kirk with her.
Based on the time shifting he had recently been a part of, he knew that sometime in the future he would marry Beverly. He certainly felt very deeply about her. The question was, did her feelings she had for him suddenly change because of Kirk? Would the future he now was privy to change?
Beverly knew that Picard must have learned about her relationship with Kirk. The least she could do was to try and offer some kind of an explanation. "I know it's ridiculous Jean-Luc. I shouldn't have let it happen." She pushed her hair back from her face and lowered her eyes. "I shouldn't have let it happen."
"But you did Beverly, and you can't change that now."
"But he was a hologram."
"No Doctor. Maybe a holographic image originally, but not after the accident. Then, he was a real man, and besides, you're not at fault. Kirk can be quite persuasive and charming. You must have needed each other."
Beverly's eyes were red and the tears slipped down her face. Picard went on, "Try and remember the happiness you both were able to share."
Beverly raised her eyes and Jean-Luc could see the tears clinging to her soft lashes. "Yes, you're right," she answered.
"You were lucky to have found that love, even for so short a time."
Beverly smiled and reached out her fingers to once again touch Jean-Luc's face - now cool and composed.
"You mean 'it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all'."
Jean-Luc matched her smile, "Yes, Doctor, something like that."
Beverly was very upset and it suddenly seemed very important to make Picard understand that. "I couldn't help it Jean-Luc. I never meant for it to happen." She took a deep breath and stood up. "I just needed to tell you. I didn't want you to think I...I..." She paused, and shrugged her shoulders, tears spilling from her eyes, "went looking. I didn't Jean-Luc."
Picard put his arm around Beverly's shoulder in an effort to offer some comfort, his own emotions threatening to surface. "It's alright, I understand Beverly. I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm not sure I know what to say."
"That's okay Jean-Luc, I'll be alright. Thank you. Good night." She lifted her lips and kissed him lightly on the cheek, before she turned and walked out of his quarters.
After Beverly left Jean-Luc paced across the breadth of the room. Even in his climate controlled compartment he felt chilled.
"Computer, raise temperature in my quarters by 6.5 degrees." He needed something hot to drink and he walked to his food replicator. "Tea. Earl Grey. Hot." Taking his tea, he sat on his recliner chair and sipped slowly while trying to analyze the nightmare he had experienced. He repeatedly went over the events of the dream several times and finally, just dismissed it on the basis that his thoughts were still on the death of Robert. After all he didn't have the last three days to work out his own problems.
He felt ill at ease on this new Enterprise. "These quarters still don't feel like mine." It occurred to him that he had to go for a walk. Being in this new and sterile room was depressing him even more.
Picard pulled on a clean uniform and stood in front of the mirror. He analyzed the image looking back at him.
"Well you're certainly not a kid," he mused. "You look like you've been to hell and back. Your eyes are sunken and your skin is pale." With a very discriminating eye, he appraised his reflection. "Where did your youth go, he whispered, "how did you get to this? Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of the United Federation Starship Enterprise NCC 1701-E. Quite a mouthful isn't it?" His eyes moved up and down judging his counterpart.
Setting his mouth in a tight grim line, he closed his eyes and stood there for what seemed several long minutes. With a great deal of irrationality he wished for a physical change in his appearance. Something a little taller and younger would do just fine, but opening his eyes Jean-Luc shook his head slowly back and forth.
"You're still just a Starfleet Captain. Destroy all of this," his arms spread wide, "and you have nothing."
The knowledge that he was not able to change his appearance, but that he could go to a place where he had some control over his surroundings, led him to where this whole adventure had begun. He strode to the holodeck purposefully.
"Computer, load Picard-Dixon Hill program 31-01-A. Continue from end of last programming sequence."
The computer announced, "Program complete, enter when desired."
Picard drew a deep breath and quickly stepped over the threshold. Looking around he sighed with satisfaction. He felt at home here in this setting. This was something he could really deal with.
Just as Picard opened the door to Hills' office the telephone began ringing. He strode over and picked up the unfamiliar appliance and in a voice more questioning then stating he said, "Hello?"
"Hi Ho Dix. Wadja say?"
"To who am I speaking please?"
"Dix, it's me, Big Syd."
Picard hesitated not really sure how he should respond. It suddenly seemed all too unreal, too contrived. This wasn't what he needed. Dixon Hill wasn't even a real character, dead or alive.
"Computer, end program," he sighed.
The vista changed and he was standing in the bare holodeck chamber, feeling very ill at ease. Once more he shook his head and muttered, "This is ridiculous." With a groan he walked slowly towards the holodeck exit.
Just before reaching it Picard had a thought. He turned to face the interior of the room. "Let's see what I am missing. Computer, reconstruct the image of Vash, Archaeologist."
Presently the likeness appeared and Picard walked slowly circling the woman he had met and with whom he had an all too brief affair. She was dressed in a plain black shift with some unique Valerian jewelry adorning her neck and upper arms.
"Computer, provide this image with animation based on data included in our memory banks." There was the briefest flicker as the computer submitted to the request.
Vash turned to look at the Captain. Her eyes holding the same sparkling gleam that had once captivated Jean-Luc.
"Why Jean-Luc, aren't you a sight for sore eyes." She sauntered over to him and ran the fingers of her left hand lightly up his sleeve and circled his ear sending an electric shiver from the base of his spine to the top of his neck.
"How are you Vash," he asked a little timidly? He felt self-conscious and uneasy.
"I'm fine now Jean-Luc."
Hearing her say his name caused the shiver to set up a rapid circuit up and down his back. He took her in his arms and passionately kissed her.
She placed both hands on his chest and took a step backwards, essentially pushing him away. "Oh come on Jean-Luc, we don't have time for this."
"We don't?" He asked his question skeptically and slightly narrowed his eyes.
"No we don't. Are you or are you not here to discuss the archaeological digs on Kentha Maura. Shall we say to split the treasures in half?"
"Kentha Maura?" A frown knitted his brows together. "I'm not sure I know exactly what you are talking about, Vash."
"I'm talking about all the information on the secret mission to Kentha Maura. Starfleet is sending three ships to the digs and I understand the Enterprise is one of those."
Picard touched his fingers to his forehead trying to understand what she was referring to. "Computer, pause program."
"Program in pause/standby mode," the computer announced dispassionately.
Picard paced in front of the unmoving figure, "Computer, during the last onboard visit by Vash, did she try to access classified archaeological files?"
"Affirmative."
"And was she successful?"
"On Stardate 44741.9, fourteen files were accessed including those on the classified expeditions to Kentha Maura
"How was she able to get this information? There was a security access code in place on those files. She would have to have been given a personal identification number in order to gain entry to that information."
"Captain's personal access code allowed entry to these files."
Picard stood immobile, his muscles tightening into knots. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Feelings of confusion and betrayal clenched his fists. "Well I'll be damned," he shook his head. "Here I thought it was me you wanted." Picard added, walking once more around the unmoving replica. "And you were just using me to further your own means." He stood there staring at the woman who had so completely fooled him.
"You're quite a woman Vash. I wonder if you can pull the wool over Q's eyes too? I guess the both of you are perfect for each other." With a sinking heart he accepted what he had just learned about this woman.
Several minutes went by while Picard just stood and stared at the simulacrum. In those minutes he came to terms with the relationship and finally with a lighter heart he was able to say, "Computer, end program."
Once more he paced around a circle where seconds before, his lover had stood. He clasped his hands behind his back, took a deep calming breath and commanded, "Computer, create the image of the Kriosian female, Kamala we transported to Valt." He wondered if there were any more secrets he might learn.
Momentarily the air seemed to shimmer as the image of the mesomorph appeared.
"Computer, animate image using memory data."
Kamala blinked her eyes and color flushed her cheeks as she drew breath.
Her eyes softened as she saw who was standing before her. "Captain it is a pleasure to see you again." Jean-Luc stepped closer and inhaled the heady scent of the woman. Her fragrance brought back the memories of their bonding and he had to make an effort not to act on an impulse to grab her and press her body against his. He looked at her, tenderness etched in his features.
"It's good to see you too, Kamala."
The woman looked up at Jean-Luc and the corners of her mouth turned upwards into a warm and inviting smile.
In a deep throaty voice that seemed as sensual as her appearance she said, "Captain, you are staring at me."
"You are so beautiful," he confessed. "I had forgotten just how captivating you are."
Her cheeks became even more colored and the heightened blush seemed to make her eyes glisten.
"Captain are you preparing further lessons for my marriage preparation with Alric?"
It was as if a brick wall had abruptly come between them. "Computer, pause program." Picard reached out to tenderly touch the cool smoothness of the woman's cheek. "You belong to another man." He paused before going on, "you cannot be mine... computer erase image," he whispered.
Once more the captain stood alone coming to terms with his feelings for this woman.
He straightened his back and called on extra resolve. "Well we might as well go for broke. Computer recreate, Café des Artistes in Paris."
Instantly the space within the holodeck became the scene of the busy French café Jean-Luc remembered from long ago. He moved to sit at the table overlooking the beauty of the
Champs Elysee. The city was exactly as he had remembered it.
"Computer, recreate the image of Jenice Manheim and provide animation based on computer memory data.
In less then a heartbeat, the lovely blonde woman appeared in the seat opposite him.
Looking around seemingly unaware that he was even there, Jenice finally focused on the man facing her. "Oh Jean-Luc it's just as I remembered it. Isn't it beautiful? How did you do this?" She turned to him smiling with her eyes as well as her lips.
"It is lovely Jenice." Jean-Luc reached across the table and took her small hand and held it gently. "Are you surprised I'm here?" he asked quietly.
Still smiling, "Oh no, I knew you'd come. I didn't think you were the type of man to stand me up once, let alone trying the same thing twice."
Quite honestly he answered, "I've realized that I'm sorry I did it even once to you."
Jenice pursed her lips and gave him a coy little smile. "Are you Jean-Luc?"
"We might have been able to make it work, who knows?"
"No my love," she whispered, "there was no way it could have worked. You didn't have the time or the space for me. You thought you were in love, but being up there," she paused looking up at the holodeck representation of the Paris sky, "that is what was the most important thing to you. I would have merely been in the way. Sooner or later we would have realized it couldn't work and then it may have hurt more." The image paused and met his gaze steadily.
"It really was better this way." She stood and leaned down to kiss Jean-Luc lightly on the cheek. "I've got to run now, Paul is just about ready to leave."
"Computer, end program." Again Picard felt the crushing blow of isolation pushing towards him. It was like the childhood fear he had of confined spaces. One that he had to overcome but never was really able to completely eradicate.
There had been another woman whose presence on the ship had caused him to question his role as Captain. With each command decision, he had begun to second guess his actions. This woman had been different from all the others. This one needed him slightly less than he needed her. Their brief romance ended when they both realized that Jean-Luc's captaincy was something that would forever divide the two.
"Computer, recreate the image of Nella Daren, Lt. Commander, former head of Stellar Sciences."
Within a blink of the eye, she stood before him. He paced around her, apprehensive to animate the image. The wounds were still too fresh and the thought of hearing her voice, or embracing her was too much to endure. Still he felt pulled towards her and ever so lightly, he brushed his fingers across her lips. With a heavy heart, and his voice no louder than a whisper, "Computer end simulation." Only the pounding of his heart was all he could hear.
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