{A/N: Humor, what would I do without humor? Hmm... maybe I'd have a life? This is a parody on both LOTR, Jerry Springer, and Mary-Sues. I want to thank all the reviewers, you guys are awesome. Next episode will be about the obsessive relationships, MoonZappaLoveChild. Thank you guys for reviewing and any more suggestions are very welcome. This one might suck a lot because it was basically thrown together quickly.}
{Disclaimer: I don't own anything but my baby back ribs.}
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Announcer (otherwise known as the mouth of Sauron): On today's Merry Springer show, we're going to be dealing with people that have secrets to share with unsuspecting guests, on a little something we like to call The Doctor said the infection isn't infectious'!
Audience: MERRY! MERRY!
Merry: Our second guest today says he has a secret to tell his friend. But will this secret cause the end of the friendship? Legolas joins us today, from woodsy Mirkwood. Welcome to the Merry Springer show, Legolas.
[Legolas waves]
Legolas: Hey, Merry.
Merry: Now what is your secret?
Legolas: [Looks wary] Well, I've been disappearing a lot, and my friend always wonders what I'm doing, but I feel too ashamed to tell him.
Merry: [Looks sympathetic] If you're really friends, nothing should stand between you.
Legolas: Yes, I guess you're right, but he's terribly old fashioned...
Merry: Well, what exactly is it, then?
Legolas: Well, I'm an exotic dancer.
Audience: [cat calls and gasps]
[Legolas grins]
Merry: Are you ready to see him then?
Legolas: I guess soo.
Merry: Gimli, come on out!
[Gimli comes onto the stage, and he smiles at Merry and Legolas]
Gimli: Hello Master Elf. Hey, Merry!
Merry: A pleasure as always. Now let's get down to business. Legolas had brought you here because he has something to tell you.
[Legolas turns in his seat to face Gimli]
Merry: [interrupts] But we'll get to that after a commercial break!
Audience: MERRY! MERRY!
Announcer: Will Gimli understand his friends naughty nightlife? Find out...
*Commercial Break*
[Saruman stares at the camera for a moment, and his voice is booming]
Saruman: Drawn to the dark side? Do you feel like you do not belong? Do your rotten teeth keep falling out?
[Saruman hold up a tube of Uruk-ident]
Saruman: Try Uruk-ident, to bring out the fighting Uruk-Hai in YOU! [smiles evilly] Also works for dentures and hemmorhoids!
*********
Rosie: In a man's world, us women need something to keep us feeling dry, fresh, and womanly. That's why I use Mosspax Tampons. They give me the secutiry I need, so that I don't bleed like a stuck pig everywhere I go. They feel so good, you'll wonder why Elves are following you.
*Commercial Break*
Audience: MERRY! MERRY! MERRY!
Merry: Ok, Legolas...
Legolas: Well, Gimli... I have something to tell you... I'm an exotic dancer.
Gimli: [gasp] A what?
Legolas: I'll show you.
Merry: Put on some music.
[Legolas stands and rips off his tunic and leggings, showing that he's wearing nothing but a g-string and the front is a pretty green leaf. He begins to dance to the music and goes into the audience and starts humping some Elf-girl audience member. She swoons]
Audience: W00t! [cat calls]
[Gimli is horrified]
Merry: Well, Master Dwarf, what have you got to say to that?
[Legolas reluctantly comes back on stage, and sits down again]
Gimli: Well, I have something to say too...
[Legolas turns to Gimli again]
Gimli: I'm an exotic dancer too.
[Audience is aghast]
Merry: [mutters to stage hand] Shut off the music before he starts dancing, damn you!
[Gimli stands up]
Gimli: But mine is a bit more exotic.
[Stage hands bring out a small kiddie pool filled with whip cream and fruits.]
[To everyone's dismay he stips, showing his g-string (which looks 5 sizes too small, and as old as Valar) which has purple horseshoes on it. He climbs into the kiddie pool and starts rubbing food into his breasts]
[Everyone stares]
Gimli: OH YEAHH!
Legolas: Oh my god, I'm going to be sick!
Merry: [Looking a little green] How about some questions from the audience? How about you sir?
Balrog: Well, as an exotic dancer myself, I have to say Legolas, you have a lot of promise. You just need to learn how to loosen up. White boys have no rhythm but you're almost there.
Merry: Uh... [looks nervous] Thanks... How about you?
Frodo: This is disgusting. What gives you the right to think that you could... Yuk, I mean, you're nasty!
Audience: NASTY DWARF! NASTY DWARF!
Gimli: [gets ghetto] I look better than you! [points to his whipped cream covered hairy chest] Look at this, I look good!
Audience: NASTY DWARF!
Gimli: YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOUR MAN LOVES MY BODY.
Frodo: [gets up and has to be restrained by Sam] I'll kick your ass, bitch!
[An Orc stands up]
Orc: You're even uglier than WE are! [points to Gimli]
Gimli: [sobbing]
Merry: This is just f*cked up, man.
*Merry's Deep Thoughts*
Merry: Sometimes secrets are what stand in the way of something important, and all skeletons should be let out of the closet. But just sometimes, as we saw in the case of Gimli, some secrets should be kept. But it's what you do with your own secrets that will pave the future for you ultimately, and some people should do well to remember that. I know I'll remember the horrific images I've seen today, and so will our poor, traumatized studio audience. Thank you and Valar bless.