Christian didn't leave. He came and go, seeing his son. They took walks,
went shopping, on carriage rides. . . it hurt my heart every time I saw a
smile creep across Christian's face, only to vanish when he looked at me.
After all this time. . . I still love him. Six years with out seeing him, and all I want to do is be in his arms, see that smile of his, and know everything would end up alright. I. . . love him. But does it even matter now?
Christian came tonight after Ewan, and I left them alone to have dinner, saying I was going out for a walk. And I did, but in the back yard. I saw the small pond and decided instantly what to do - I grabbed a robe, stripped down to my undergarments and waded into the water.
"And now I'm all alone again, nowhere to turn, no one to go to. Without a home, without a friend, without a face to say hello to. And now the night is near I can make believe he's here. . ."
From the house I heard laughs, and a tear fell down noticing the voices belonged to the two people I loved most in the world. But if only he knew it. . .
"Sometimes I walk alone at night when everybody else is sleeping. I think of him and I'm happy with the company I'm keeping. The city goes to bed, and I can live inside. . . my head."
I can imagine I never ran away from my fears, and we got married. Satine James had a nice ring to it, and our house was so lovely in the distance. "Own my own, pretending he's beside me. All alone, I walk with him till morning. Without him, I feel his arms around me. And when I lose my way I close my eyes, and he has found me." I hugged myself and flopped over to my back, floating out to the middle. "In the rain the pavement shines like silver. All the lights are misty in the river. In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight, and all I see is him and me forever and forever."
But I can't live in the world of 'what if'. "And I know it's only in my mind, that I'm talking to myself and not to him. . . and although I know that he is blind, still I say, there's a way for us. I love him. . . but when the night is over, he is gone. The river's just a river. Without him, the world around me changes - the trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers."
He only cared for our son - he wanted nothing to do with me. He hated me, wish I never existed. . . "I love him, but every day I'm learning. All my life, I've only been pretending. Without me, his world would go on turning. A world that's full of happiness that I have never known. . ."
I splashed some water to my side and looked up at the moonlight, once full of great songs and shining with love. But now. . . it's so far away. "I love him. . . I love him. . . I love him. But only on my own."
If only I knew what I know now, I wouldn't be so foolish. If only I had known that I can't live without him. . .
"On and on. . . does anybody know what we are living for?"
I continued to stare up at the moon and held my breath, sinking beneath the water.
A few minutes later, I emerged from the water, soaking wet, and hugged my robe around me, heading for the house.
I looked around for any signs of them, but the house was utterly quiet, and I went into the sitting room.
I held my breath as I saw Christian and Ewan, curled up on the couch together. A smile rose across my lips and a tear fell from my eye.
I slowly walked over toward them and smoothed back Ewan's hair. They were a perfect pair, those two. Both so beautiful. . . both meaning the world to me.
Ewan groaned and opened his eyes. "Daddy. . ." he whispered.
I put a finger to my lips. "Shh. . . baby, you put him to sleep."
He yawned. "I suppose I was too much for 'em."
I smiled. "I suppose you were," I said with a whisper, extending my hands to him. "Come, let's get you to bed."
"But Daddy. . ."
"Daddy's sleeping, baby." I gently pulled up Christian's warm arm off of Ewan and helped him to his feet, picking him up. Ewan fell into my embrace, and I walked up the stairs with him snoring in my arms and smiled.
Taking his shoes off his small feet, I lay him in his bed and kissed his forehead, sighing deeply before I went back down the stairs, my heart racing as I walked back into the sitting room.
He looked so peaceful sleeping, like an angel. I remember watching him sleep. . . fleeting memories came back to me and I slowly walked to him, kneeling down beside him.
I stared down, my fingers moving over the curves of his face. With a smile and a teardrop, I looked at his lips, and my fingertips touched them. His soft lips were so warm, so comforting, and felt a warm shudder shake my body.
Nothing had changed, I realized. The years of angst and pain had suddenly disappeared over the last couple of weeks, and only his hair was slightly longer than it was before. . . but it was Christian, my penniless poet, my sitar player, my. . . everything.
Something inside of me fluttered - dead butterflies waking up from their many years of dormancy and I leaned down, touching my lips to his softly.
The warmth ran over me like the waves of the ocean, and I felt a longing, a desire come over me. My hands wondered over to his face and I kissed him again, giving way to all my bottled up emotions, and put my heart into my lips.
He groaned, waking up, and I backed away, but his hands softly found the back of my neck and brought me back to him, kissing me with such extreme that surprised me.
I moaned, his lips warm, his scent intoxicating.
Christian pushed away from the couch, going down to his knees, his hands traveling across my back and up to my hair with briskly. His hold on me was tight and lowered me to the floor, his leg between mine. His hands glided down my sides, reaching inside my robe and touching bare skin.
I moaned again and breathed, "Christian. . ."
"Oh, Satine. . ."
His lips traveled down to my neck and my lashes fluttered as they made contact with my skin.
"Christian. . ."
My fingers threaded through his dark hair, something I had wanted to do for years and tears streaked down my eyes at this little act.
And there was no need for words as we made love, and through the night I slept in his arms.
The sun's rays pried my eyes open, and I looked around, wondering where I was. I looked down and saw. . . her, lying on my chest, her strawberry- blond curls spread wildly.
I twisted one around my finger and rubbed her arm. I never slept much these days, and when I did I always had a wave of sadness over me. But I felt warm this morning, felt that all my questions had been replaced with answer. . . felt like I belonged in this world as long as this woman was beside me. It was exactly as I had remembered it to be.
But it was all an act. Tomorrow she would shun me, throw me out of her house, leave me for yesterday.
I rolled out of her embrace and reached for my clothes. Oh no, she would not hurt me again.
She moaned, waking up. "Christian. . ." I didn't look over at her, not letting her lure me back with those beautiful eyes of hers. "Christian. . . what are you doing? Where are you going?"
I pushed my belt into the holes of my pants. "I'm leaving. What do you think I'm dong?" I spat.
She slowly put her hands into her robe, hugging it around her. "Wh-why? What. . . what do you mean? Aren't we even going to talk about what happened. . ."
"It was nice," I whispered, buttoning up my shirt frantically, wanting to get out of there as soon as I could, skipping some buttons in the process.
I felt her sigh beside me as she grabbed my arm. "Nice?" she demanded.
I looked into her eyes, seeing something I didn't expect there. Confusion, hurt. . . I saw my eyes from the past six years. I pushed her grip off of me and moved away, busing myself with looking for my shoes.
"Christian. . . please."
"Please what, Satine?" I asked, looking at her. "Years ago you decided for the both of us that we wouldn't be together."
She sighed, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. "I know you're angry. . ."
"Angry?!" I shouted, throwing down my coat and my one shoe. "Why the hell should I be angry? I just spent the night with the best courtesan of the Moulin Rouge! Shall I pay you now or just leave it by the door?" I brought for the my wallet and flipped through the few dollars I had and handed it to her.
"Wh-What? What are you saying? I don't. . . I don't-"
"I'm leaving," I whispered, throwing the money to the floor and picking up my clothes.
"No." She ran to the door and stood there, tears streaming down her face. It was such an act. . . like she cared if I stayed or not.
"Move, Satine."
"I know you don't care at all, but. . . I love you."
Another trick. "Well it's too late tonight. To drag the past out into the light."
"Christian. . . please!" she yelled, reaching out for me, but I pulled away.
"Have you come here for forgiveness? Have you come to raise the dead? Well darling I can't help you there...cause what we had is dead...the love we shared is gone now..."
She shook her head. "No. . ."
"Yes," I said sternly, pushing her aside so easily. I held my hand to the doorknob and for a moment I watched her on the floor, bent over, sobbing. It hurt to see her like that. . . but what she would have done to me would have hurt worse. Yes, this was for the best.
But with a heavy heart I went out the door. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------- Disclaimer: I do not own Moulin Rouge, not even Christian. ::sigh::
Author's Note: Ooh, the two characters have switched their views on the 'love' subject! What will happen next? I just suppose you'll have to read to find out.
SONGS USED: 'On My Own' from Les Miserables. I like Lea Salong singing it best from the 10th anniversary special 'Show Must Go On' Queen-e 'One' by U2
After all this time. . . I still love him. Six years with out seeing him, and all I want to do is be in his arms, see that smile of his, and know everything would end up alright. I. . . love him. But does it even matter now?
Christian came tonight after Ewan, and I left them alone to have dinner, saying I was going out for a walk. And I did, but in the back yard. I saw the small pond and decided instantly what to do - I grabbed a robe, stripped down to my undergarments and waded into the water.
"And now I'm all alone again, nowhere to turn, no one to go to. Without a home, without a friend, without a face to say hello to. And now the night is near I can make believe he's here. . ."
From the house I heard laughs, and a tear fell down noticing the voices belonged to the two people I loved most in the world. But if only he knew it. . .
"Sometimes I walk alone at night when everybody else is sleeping. I think of him and I'm happy with the company I'm keeping. The city goes to bed, and I can live inside. . . my head."
I can imagine I never ran away from my fears, and we got married. Satine James had a nice ring to it, and our house was so lovely in the distance. "Own my own, pretending he's beside me. All alone, I walk with him till morning. Without him, I feel his arms around me. And when I lose my way I close my eyes, and he has found me." I hugged myself and flopped over to my back, floating out to the middle. "In the rain the pavement shines like silver. All the lights are misty in the river. In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight, and all I see is him and me forever and forever."
But I can't live in the world of 'what if'. "And I know it's only in my mind, that I'm talking to myself and not to him. . . and although I know that he is blind, still I say, there's a way for us. I love him. . . but when the night is over, he is gone. The river's just a river. Without him, the world around me changes - the trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers."
He only cared for our son - he wanted nothing to do with me. He hated me, wish I never existed. . . "I love him, but every day I'm learning. All my life, I've only been pretending. Without me, his world would go on turning. A world that's full of happiness that I have never known. . ."
I splashed some water to my side and looked up at the moonlight, once full of great songs and shining with love. But now. . . it's so far away. "I love him. . . I love him. . . I love him. But only on my own."
If only I knew what I know now, I wouldn't be so foolish. If only I had known that I can't live without him. . .
"On and on. . . does anybody know what we are living for?"
I continued to stare up at the moon and held my breath, sinking beneath the water.
A few minutes later, I emerged from the water, soaking wet, and hugged my robe around me, heading for the house.
I looked around for any signs of them, but the house was utterly quiet, and I went into the sitting room.
I held my breath as I saw Christian and Ewan, curled up on the couch together. A smile rose across my lips and a tear fell from my eye.
I slowly walked over toward them and smoothed back Ewan's hair. They were a perfect pair, those two. Both so beautiful. . . both meaning the world to me.
Ewan groaned and opened his eyes. "Daddy. . ." he whispered.
I put a finger to my lips. "Shh. . . baby, you put him to sleep."
He yawned. "I suppose I was too much for 'em."
I smiled. "I suppose you were," I said with a whisper, extending my hands to him. "Come, let's get you to bed."
"But Daddy. . ."
"Daddy's sleeping, baby." I gently pulled up Christian's warm arm off of Ewan and helped him to his feet, picking him up. Ewan fell into my embrace, and I walked up the stairs with him snoring in my arms and smiled.
Taking his shoes off his small feet, I lay him in his bed and kissed his forehead, sighing deeply before I went back down the stairs, my heart racing as I walked back into the sitting room.
He looked so peaceful sleeping, like an angel. I remember watching him sleep. . . fleeting memories came back to me and I slowly walked to him, kneeling down beside him.
I stared down, my fingers moving over the curves of his face. With a smile and a teardrop, I looked at his lips, and my fingertips touched them. His soft lips were so warm, so comforting, and felt a warm shudder shake my body.
Nothing had changed, I realized. The years of angst and pain had suddenly disappeared over the last couple of weeks, and only his hair was slightly longer than it was before. . . but it was Christian, my penniless poet, my sitar player, my. . . everything.
Something inside of me fluttered - dead butterflies waking up from their many years of dormancy and I leaned down, touching my lips to his softly.
The warmth ran over me like the waves of the ocean, and I felt a longing, a desire come over me. My hands wondered over to his face and I kissed him again, giving way to all my bottled up emotions, and put my heart into my lips.
He groaned, waking up, and I backed away, but his hands softly found the back of my neck and brought me back to him, kissing me with such extreme that surprised me.
I moaned, his lips warm, his scent intoxicating.
Christian pushed away from the couch, going down to his knees, his hands traveling across my back and up to my hair with briskly. His hold on me was tight and lowered me to the floor, his leg between mine. His hands glided down my sides, reaching inside my robe and touching bare skin.
I moaned again and breathed, "Christian. . ."
"Oh, Satine. . ."
His lips traveled down to my neck and my lashes fluttered as they made contact with my skin.
"Christian. . ."
My fingers threaded through his dark hair, something I had wanted to do for years and tears streaked down my eyes at this little act.
And there was no need for words as we made love, and through the night I slept in his arms.
The sun's rays pried my eyes open, and I looked around, wondering where I was. I looked down and saw. . . her, lying on my chest, her strawberry- blond curls spread wildly.
I twisted one around my finger and rubbed her arm. I never slept much these days, and when I did I always had a wave of sadness over me. But I felt warm this morning, felt that all my questions had been replaced with answer. . . felt like I belonged in this world as long as this woman was beside me. It was exactly as I had remembered it to be.
But it was all an act. Tomorrow she would shun me, throw me out of her house, leave me for yesterday.
I rolled out of her embrace and reached for my clothes. Oh no, she would not hurt me again.
She moaned, waking up. "Christian. . ." I didn't look over at her, not letting her lure me back with those beautiful eyes of hers. "Christian. . . what are you doing? Where are you going?"
I pushed my belt into the holes of my pants. "I'm leaving. What do you think I'm dong?" I spat.
She slowly put her hands into her robe, hugging it around her. "Wh-why? What. . . what do you mean? Aren't we even going to talk about what happened. . ."
"It was nice," I whispered, buttoning up my shirt frantically, wanting to get out of there as soon as I could, skipping some buttons in the process.
I felt her sigh beside me as she grabbed my arm. "Nice?" she demanded.
I looked into her eyes, seeing something I didn't expect there. Confusion, hurt. . . I saw my eyes from the past six years. I pushed her grip off of me and moved away, busing myself with looking for my shoes.
"Christian. . . please."
"Please what, Satine?" I asked, looking at her. "Years ago you decided for the both of us that we wouldn't be together."
She sighed, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. "I know you're angry. . ."
"Angry?!" I shouted, throwing down my coat and my one shoe. "Why the hell should I be angry? I just spent the night with the best courtesan of the Moulin Rouge! Shall I pay you now or just leave it by the door?" I brought for the my wallet and flipped through the few dollars I had and handed it to her.
"Wh-What? What are you saying? I don't. . . I don't-"
"I'm leaving," I whispered, throwing the money to the floor and picking up my clothes.
"No." She ran to the door and stood there, tears streaming down her face. It was such an act. . . like she cared if I stayed or not.
"Move, Satine."
"I know you don't care at all, but. . . I love you."
Another trick. "Well it's too late tonight. To drag the past out into the light."
"Christian. . . please!" she yelled, reaching out for me, but I pulled away.
"Have you come here for forgiveness? Have you come to raise the dead? Well darling I can't help you there...cause what we had is dead...the love we shared is gone now..."
She shook her head. "No. . ."
"Yes," I said sternly, pushing her aside so easily. I held my hand to the doorknob and for a moment I watched her on the floor, bent over, sobbing. It hurt to see her like that. . . but what she would have done to me would have hurt worse. Yes, this was for the best.
But with a heavy heart I went out the door. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------- Disclaimer: I do not own Moulin Rouge, not even Christian. ::sigh::
Author's Note: Ooh, the two characters have switched their views on the 'love' subject! What will happen next? I just suppose you'll have to read to find out.
SONGS USED: 'On My Own' from Les Miserables. I like Lea Salong singing it best from the 10th anniversary special 'Show Must Go On' Queen-e 'One' by U2