Disclaimer: It's mine! My own! My preciousssssssssssssss… [Phil hits me round the back of the head]
OUCH!
Ok, so I don't actually own any of this. None. Lord of the Dance is in fact my friend Phil's brainchild, and I am simply posting it here for him. All congratulations, flowers, book contracts, and, for that matter, death threats should go to him. I promise to pass them on. Lord of the Rings, on the other hand, is the property of Tolkein. Except he's going kinda mouldy right now, and probably won't care. It's now the property of whoever happens to own it. Safe to say, this is not me. And the various songs- well, they have been stolen from various sources, then butchered. [embarassed face] sorry about that…
Ah well. Phil has written huge amounts already, but I've decided the best thing to do is split it up into small chapters, each one ending with a song. I've found the best way to read this is to download the original versions of the songs so you can sing tunelessly along, but hey, that's just me. First up for the chop is:
Be Our Guest
Written by: The Disney Dudes.
Lord of the Dance : The Fela'ship of Dancers
Chapter 1:
The shire was alive with excitement; at noon the next day the birthday party of Bilbo and Frodo Baggins would begin. They were about 100 and 50 years old and by some amazing coincidence their birthdays were on the same day. And for hobbits that meant presents. And being the selfish little creatures that Hobbits are this didn't mean they bought presents for the birthday boys. No, no, this meant they took presents from Bilbo and ate all his food. However, this was a perfect arrangement because Bilbo was the sort of Hobbit who had loads of money and liked to show it off at every occasion. How Bilbo got the money was a mystery and was the biggest scandal in the shire since Lobelia Bracegirdle wore a mini skirt at a fancy dress party.
And so began Bilbos party. Every one was invited because Bilbo wanted to show off his absolute wealth to absolutely everyone. At the gates stood Bilbo and one of his mistreated (and underfed) servants, Hamfast Gamgee along with him stood his skinny little son named Sam. Despite his malnourished and at the doors of death aura, Sam had enough spirit in him to sing along to any of the hobbitses favourite songs. And so all were greeted by a roar of singing.
(Bilbo spoken) Ma hole mademoiselle
It is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure that I welcome you tonight.
And now, I give you my present
Let you sit down and eat as the dinning room proudly presents my disappearance!
(sung) Be our guest! Be our guest!
Put my servants to the test
Tie your napkin round your feet, cherie
And we provide the rest
Wild boar
On the floor
Why we only live to serve
Try the grey stuff, it delicious
Don't believe me? Ask the wizards!
They can sing! They can dance!
After all, miss, this is Bagend
And a dinner here is never second best
Go on, put up your feet
You're gonna have a feast.
You'll be our guest,
Oui, our guest. Be our guest
Beef ragout! Cheese soufflé
Pie and Pudding 'en flambe'
We'll prepare and serve with flair
A culinary cabaret
You're alone and you're scared
But my banquet's all prepared
No ones gloomy or complaining
While the Hobbit's entertaining
We sing songs
I do trick with my fellow ageing chicks
(Sam) And it's all in perfect taste that you can bet
(All) Come on and lift your glass
You've won your own free pass
To be our guest!
(Bilbo) If you ain't dressed,
It's fine dining we suggest
(Sam) Be our guest. Be our guest. Be our guest.
(Bilbo sombre) Life is so unnerving for a rich guy who's not boasting
He's not whole without a soul to flaunt upon
Ah, those good days when I was youthful
Suddenly those good old day are gone
Ten years, I've been rusting needing so much more than dusting
Needing exercise, a chance to show my gold
Most days, we just lay around the garden. Flabby, fat and lazy
You walked in and oops-a-daisy
(Hamfast) It's a guest! It's a guest!
Sakes alive, Well, I am blessed!
Wines been poured and thank the lord
I've had the napkins firmly brushed
With dessert they want smokes
And my dears, that's fine with me.
While my kid does his good cooking
I'll be gardening! I'll be brewing!
They'll be warm, piping hot
For god sakes if there's a clot
Flush it out
We want our company impressed
We've got a lot to do. Is it one plant or two?
For them, our guests
(Sam) They're our guests!
(Hamfast) They're our guests!
(Sam) They're our guests!
Be our guest! Be our guest!
Our command is your request.
It's ten years since we've had anybody here
And I'm obsessed
(Bilbo) With your meal with your ease,
Yes, Indeed, We aim to please.
While the candlelight's still glowing
Let us help you. We'll keep going
Course by course, one by one
'Til you shout, "Enough I'm done"
Then we'll throw you out the door as you digest
Tonight you'll prop your feet up! But for now, let's eat up!
Be our guest! Be our guest!
Be our guest!
Please, be our guest!