Disclaimer: I do not own Legolas (thank God. Either way, he'd kill me if he
ever saw what I did to him...poor thing. Ah well, I suppose it's better
than him being a lust object or in a slash fic), Thranduil (See above
disclaimer. He'd probably stomp on my bloody remains after Legolas was
finished with them), or any other characters who appear in this fic. I have
no idea who that girl is. Anyone can have her; I don't give a damn.
Note: This is completely AU, OOC, and ridiculous. This is how Legolas SHOULD have acted, in response to all those damn Mary-Sues falling all over him all the time. Oh, and the title is absurd. So sorry about that. AND.I have no idea when this takes place; it's just too AU. Sometime during the trilogy, I suppose. -_-;;;
Apologies: My SINCEREST apologies to any fans of canon who are offended by this. I just got SO fed up with Legolusters, and MSTing just wasn't cutting it for me anymore. The rage...the rage that is growing within my soul...*cough*. And many, many apologies to Legolas fans (unless you've written a Mary-Sue about him. We won't go there...yet...).
I also apologize to anyone else-such as conservatives and prostitutes-who is offended by this. I myself am offended with this. -_-; I blame it on all the MST fodder. Starts to warp your mind after a while
And to the Mary-Sues?
Screw you.
And so, on with the story...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Legolas Greenleaf sat back against a tree in Mirkwood, basking languidly in the light that managed to seep through the dense foliage. His days were serene...well, they were serene now, since he had managed to get a moment's peace. Yes, it had been hard, being a part of that nasty quest to Mount Doom, but now he was back home in Mirkwood, and certainly happier for it.
"Oh, Mr. Legolas!"
Yes, Legolas Greenleaf was certainly much, much happier.
He lazily opened one blue eye to look over the rim of his diamond-studded shades at the scantly-clad girl who was trying to run up the hill to him, her six-inch platforms severely crippling her movements. However, her face (which was covered with more makeup than the Mary Kay company shipped in a month) showed that she was genuinely delighted to see him. She looped her thumbs through the straps of her thong and pulled the bands of the undergarment over her broad hipbones before falling onto her knees next to Legolas and allowing him a generous look at her ample bosom.
"I'm so happy to see you again, Mr. Legolas," she breathed, fluttering her fake eyelashes sensuously. Her eyes swirled different colors in her excitement as Legolas removed his shades and placed his hands on her hips.
"Good girl," he said, massaging her hipbones gently, causing a purr to issue from her throat. "Now, do you have the money?"
"Oh yes!" she exclaimed, reaching her hand between her breasts and pulling a sack of coin from the confines of her far-too-small shirt. "Oh yes, I have your money, Mr. Legolas..." she whispered sultrily, running the rim of the sack around her lip.
"That's my girl," he said, giving her a sultry wink. She giggled moronically and grabbed his hands again, pressing them right against her breasts. "So, where were-"
"Easy, easy, girl!" Legolas scolded, yanking his hands away. "No, no, no."
"But..."
"It'd not TIME, baby," he said, putting his pale finger to her overly-red lips. "You want to know what you're doing, right?"
"Well.yeah.I guess." the girl looked towards the trees, and giggled as Legolas started to stroke her exposed thigh.
"That's my girl. Now, run along, he said, pulling her to her feet and giving her bum a slap. She giggled again and ran back down the hill.
Legolas sighed and rested back against the tree again. Well, it wasn't that he didn't like these girls or anything...it was just that...they got so annoying. And most of them were so full of raging hormones that they had no idea what was going on.
He shrugged. Not his problem. He'd but up with plenty of garbage before it had come to this. And he was certainly much, much happier for it.
"My son...I still can't believe you."
Legolas tilted his head backward to observe Thranduil standing behind him, leaning against the tree and looking more than amused. "What should I have done? Just...succumbed to their twisted wishes?"
Thranduil looked pensive for a moment. "Well, why I don't agree that this is the *best* way to handle your situation-"
"It seemed like a good idea after getting stampeded hundreds of times," Legolas muttered.
Thranduil ignored his son's comment. "I'm sure there are other ways you could have handled this...none as economic as this one, of course-" He reached down and swiftly pilfered the small bag from Legolas' hands. "-but other ways nonetheless."
Legolas began to protest, but Thranduil silenced him with an outstretched hand. "Rent. For letting your girls use the bedrooms. I think this is fair, don't *you*, my son?"
"I..."
"Good. I'm glad I've raised such a smart young Elf." Thranduil turned and began to stride back to his dwelling, resting hidden behind the thick foliage of his forest, leaving Legolas openmouthed, reaching a hand out for his money. For a moment he stared, then dropped his arm and returned to his original position, leaning against the tree with a sour expression on his face.
'Some fathers dream of passing on the crown to their sons,' Thranduil mused. 'Oh dear. The other Elf-lords are going to give me hell when they find out my son is Middle-earth's first pimp.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Didn't I say it was ridiculously OOC? Personally, I blame the Mary-Sues. Oh, and just to clear up confusion: yes, that girl *IS* a Mary-Sue, albeit a random, nameless one.
May I burn with the furor of a thousand badly-spelled flames for this blasphemy against Tolkien.
Oh well. If you could stand this long enough, I suppose a review would be neat...tell me what you liked, what you hated (I like it when people copy and paste their favorite parts into their reviews,*wink, wink, nudge, nudge*). And I do not fear flames. Oh well. Goodbye.
PS: Don't worry; I just had to share my anger with the world. After I chill out, this fic is SO getting removed.
~She Who Gives Migraines~
Note: This is completely AU, OOC, and ridiculous. This is how Legolas SHOULD have acted, in response to all those damn Mary-Sues falling all over him all the time. Oh, and the title is absurd. So sorry about that. AND.I have no idea when this takes place; it's just too AU. Sometime during the trilogy, I suppose. -_-;;;
Apologies: My SINCEREST apologies to any fans of canon who are offended by this. I just got SO fed up with Legolusters, and MSTing just wasn't cutting it for me anymore. The rage...the rage that is growing within my soul...*cough*. And many, many apologies to Legolas fans (unless you've written a Mary-Sue about him. We won't go there...yet...).
I also apologize to anyone else-such as conservatives and prostitutes-who is offended by this. I myself am offended with this. -_-; I blame it on all the MST fodder. Starts to warp your mind after a while
And to the Mary-Sues?
Screw you.
And so, on with the story...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Legolas Greenleaf sat back against a tree in Mirkwood, basking languidly in the light that managed to seep through the dense foliage. His days were serene...well, they were serene now, since he had managed to get a moment's peace. Yes, it had been hard, being a part of that nasty quest to Mount Doom, but now he was back home in Mirkwood, and certainly happier for it.
"Oh, Mr. Legolas!"
Yes, Legolas Greenleaf was certainly much, much happier.
He lazily opened one blue eye to look over the rim of his diamond-studded shades at the scantly-clad girl who was trying to run up the hill to him, her six-inch platforms severely crippling her movements. However, her face (which was covered with more makeup than the Mary Kay company shipped in a month) showed that she was genuinely delighted to see him. She looped her thumbs through the straps of her thong and pulled the bands of the undergarment over her broad hipbones before falling onto her knees next to Legolas and allowing him a generous look at her ample bosom.
"I'm so happy to see you again, Mr. Legolas," she breathed, fluttering her fake eyelashes sensuously. Her eyes swirled different colors in her excitement as Legolas removed his shades and placed his hands on her hips.
"Good girl," he said, massaging her hipbones gently, causing a purr to issue from her throat. "Now, do you have the money?"
"Oh yes!" she exclaimed, reaching her hand between her breasts and pulling a sack of coin from the confines of her far-too-small shirt. "Oh yes, I have your money, Mr. Legolas..." she whispered sultrily, running the rim of the sack around her lip.
"That's my girl," he said, giving her a sultry wink. She giggled moronically and grabbed his hands again, pressing them right against her breasts. "So, where were-"
"Easy, easy, girl!" Legolas scolded, yanking his hands away. "No, no, no."
"But..."
"It'd not TIME, baby," he said, putting his pale finger to her overly-red lips. "You want to know what you're doing, right?"
"Well.yeah.I guess." the girl looked towards the trees, and giggled as Legolas started to stroke her exposed thigh.
"That's my girl. Now, run along, he said, pulling her to her feet and giving her bum a slap. She giggled again and ran back down the hill.
Legolas sighed and rested back against the tree again. Well, it wasn't that he didn't like these girls or anything...it was just that...they got so annoying. And most of them were so full of raging hormones that they had no idea what was going on.
He shrugged. Not his problem. He'd but up with plenty of garbage before it had come to this. And he was certainly much, much happier for it.
"My son...I still can't believe you."
Legolas tilted his head backward to observe Thranduil standing behind him, leaning against the tree and looking more than amused. "What should I have done? Just...succumbed to their twisted wishes?"
Thranduil looked pensive for a moment. "Well, why I don't agree that this is the *best* way to handle your situation-"
"It seemed like a good idea after getting stampeded hundreds of times," Legolas muttered.
Thranduil ignored his son's comment. "I'm sure there are other ways you could have handled this...none as economic as this one, of course-" He reached down and swiftly pilfered the small bag from Legolas' hands. "-but other ways nonetheless."
Legolas began to protest, but Thranduil silenced him with an outstretched hand. "Rent. For letting your girls use the bedrooms. I think this is fair, don't *you*, my son?"
"I..."
"Good. I'm glad I've raised such a smart young Elf." Thranduil turned and began to stride back to his dwelling, resting hidden behind the thick foliage of his forest, leaving Legolas openmouthed, reaching a hand out for his money. For a moment he stared, then dropped his arm and returned to his original position, leaning against the tree with a sour expression on his face.
'Some fathers dream of passing on the crown to their sons,' Thranduil mused. 'Oh dear. The other Elf-lords are going to give me hell when they find out my son is Middle-earth's first pimp.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Didn't I say it was ridiculously OOC? Personally, I blame the Mary-Sues. Oh, and just to clear up confusion: yes, that girl *IS* a Mary-Sue, albeit a random, nameless one.
May I burn with the furor of a thousand badly-spelled flames for this blasphemy against Tolkien.
Oh well. If you could stand this long enough, I suppose a review would be neat...tell me what you liked, what you hated (I like it when people copy and paste their favorite parts into their reviews,*wink, wink, nudge, nudge*). And I do not fear flames. Oh well. Goodbye.
PS: Don't worry; I just had to share my anger with the world. After I chill out, this fic is SO getting removed.
~She Who Gives Migraines~