A/N: Hmm. Four reviews and no flames. ^_^ I'm glad. I had planned for this to be a one-shot fic, so I'm not sure what's going to happen with the little plot I have…hmm…I'll do my best, though. ^^

Disclaimer: All LotR characters are ridiculously OOC and belong to their respective copyright holder(s). Any other non-canon characters belong to anyone that wants them. I am making no money off this blasphemy against the great J.R.R. Tolkien, and I can only pray the Professor can forgive me. Apologies stated in Chapter One hold true to this chapter as well. And no, I am still not apologizing to the Mary-Sues.

Note: Disregard previous assumption of time. All I know is that this takes place after Aragorn has married Arwen. And this is going to progressively become more and more absurd.

Note2: The author has nothing against slash and is NOT, I repeat, NOT attempting to promote homophobic beliefs. Thranduil's inner thoughts are supposed to be ironic, considering all the Legolas slash out there.

Note3: All the Mary-Sue names used are 'real' Mary-Sues that have appeared in Legomances. They belong to their respective creators; I am just borrowing them for a while, just like they did with the Professor's characters (HA! Put THAT in yer pipe and smoke it, Mary!). If you can find the fics they are from, you get nothing but an artificial feeling of achievement. ^^ Go you!

So…on with the absurdity…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Okay, so his son had become a pimp. Thranduil could deal with that. At least he wasn't gay! The Elven-king almost burst out laughing at the thought. His son, gay! The thought was ridiculous.

…Wasn't it?

Thranduil shook off his doubts and pocketed the coins. So his palace had been turned into a whore house for Legolas' growing business. He could deal with that as well. All he had to do was stay off of the third floor. No problem.

"Hello, Mister T.…" one of Legolas' girls said, bobbing suggestively as he walked past her.

"Calithia, right?" The girl nodded. "It's THRANDUIL!" Thranduil yelled at her. "Not 'Thrandy', not 'Mister T.', and CERTAINLY now 'Dewy'! T-H-R-A-N-D-U-I-L!"

Calithia just winked at him and slunk away.

Thranduil could only wonder: if Elves did not get sick, then why did the Valar allow them to be subject to migraines? He knew there were some healing herbs that usually worked against headaches in his bedroom…

~*~

"LEGOLAS GREENLEAF!"
Legolas opened an eye and lazily looked in the direction he had heard his name called. "Yes?…"

"Tell your girl to get OUT of my bedroom!"

Legolas yawned. "Which one?"

"I don't know…the blonde one!"

"Which blonde one?"

"The blonde one with blue eyes!"

"Which-"

"NEVER MIND!" Thranduil groaned in exasperation. This was absurd. He couldn't even get into his room for his medicinal herbs. He leaned against the door of his room and slowly massaged his temples. "I must think of beautiful things…I must think of fair Valinor beyond the Sundering Seas-"

"Oh, YES!"

Thranduil winced as the concentration he had gathered was scattered by…something he'd rather not think of. "Think of fair Valinor…think of the beauty of Elbereth in the Undying Lands…think of the everlasting peace in the beauty of Aman…"

"WOO-HOO!"

That's my BED they're doing that on! Thranduil thought furiously. This is absurd. I thought these…what did he call them? Mary-Sues? I thought they were supposed to be sweet and innocent!

"Hello there, handsome." Thranduil looked down to see yet another girl with long blonde hair gazing up seductively at him. "Standard is ten dollars, but for twenty…you get whatever you want…"

"I am NOT interested!" Thranduil fumed, jumping back away from the girl. She pouted adorably and slunk away again. He closed his eyes and tried to remember how all this had come to pass…

He had been anxiously waiting the return of his son, ever since the liberation of Dol Guldor and the destruction of the One Ring. It had been over a year since he had seen Legolas, and Thranduil was starting to despair. As far as he knew, his son was lying dead on the Pelennor Fields.

So it was with great relief that he had seen that dirty blonde head* approaching from the southwest. He ran through the forest, relieved that his son had managed to return home in one piece.

However, his relief had quickly become confusion.

 "They followed me home," Legolas had said, motioning towards the countless girls hanging off his arms and swarming around him. "Can I keep them?"

"Yes! Yes! Let him keep us!" all the girls had yelled at once. "PLEASE?!"

And how could Thranduil resist 300 pairs of multicolored eyes staring adorably at him?

"Arg…" If he could have done the whole thing over again, he would have most definitely had said 'No!'. But the girls were here, and, short of calling his archers on them, what could he do?

You know…the archers weren't such a bad idea…

" 'scuse me."

Thranduil looked towards the source of the voice. I swear, if it's another one offering her services, I am going to strangle her. I don't care if she could please ILLÚVATAR…

However, it wasn't another Mary-Sue. It was a Dwarf.

"ARG!" Thranduil jumped back. "Who let YOU in here?!"

"Legolas," the Dwarf responded gruffly. "Name's Gimli, son of Glóin, Legolas' friend. And you?…"

"I am Thranduil, son of Oropher," Thranduil responded. "Legolas is my son."

"Ah. So are you as peeved as I am?"

"About what?"

"Those girls of his!" Gimli said with obvious disdain. "Can't even get near him anymore to discuss orc killing or anything else! We used to talk about which was better: arrows or axes. Now I can't even get within ten feet of him without hearing at least twenty females: 'Eew, it's a Dwarf! Gross!' He said we were going to Fangorn! But then…those GIRLS of his started swarming around him…and well, who would YOU rather spend time with?" Gimli said, sounding hurt.

"Well…"

"And they make fun of my beard!" Gimli sounded close to tears now. "And they say I'm obviously trying to compensate for something by wielding an axe…" Gimli slid down the wall to sit on the floor next to Thranduil. "They call me 'Stumpy'! STUMPY! Can you believe it?" Then, going against all previous things Thranduil had thought about Dwarves, Gimli burst into tears.

Thranduil looked around his hallway. Okay, this wasn't awkward at all: a Dwarf was inside an Elven dwelling crying his eyes out. Nope, nothing unusual here…

Thranduil groaned and knelt down next to Gimli. "There, there…" he said, trying to console the Dwarf without actually touching him. "It's okay…they're just jealous that they don't have a Dwarf."

"*sniff* Really?"

No, not really, I just want you to shut up! "Of course really. I mean, I know Legolas is a handsome young boy, but you should have seen him when he was going through puberty! Whining everyday about how all the *other* Elves his age were getting bigger and he never seemed to grow at all! Flexing those pathetic excuses for muscles in front of every puddle he came across…" Thranduil shook his head, remembering Legolas' years of development. Years he was more than happy never to repeat.

"You don't say…"

"And just between you and me…" Thranduil looked around to make sure no one was listening, then whispered in Gimli's ear: "He never DID get any bigger."

Gimli burst out into hysterical laughter. "So THAT'S why he keeps delaying them!"

"Most likely. He doesn't want them to find out." Thranduil nodded, seating himself on the ground next to Gimli. They sat in silence for a while, staring at the walls and dissuading any Mary-Sues who walked past trying to earn a few bucks.

"So, what do you suggest we do?"

"About what?"

"About all those girls around Legolas." Gimli rolled his eyes. "I know YOU want them out so you can get your home to yourself again."

"Yes…"

"And *I* want them out so I can have my buddy back."

An evil smiled started to unfold on Thranduil's face. He couldn't be certain, but he had a suspicious that Gimli was wearing a similar expression under his thick beard. "Yes…"

"So, what do you say? Shall we work together for Legolas' sake?" Gimli offered his hand to Thranduil, who didn't hesitate for a moment before shaking it.

"My friend, you've got yourself a deal."

~*~*~

Okay! What are Thranduil and Gimli planning! I…don't know. -_-;; So this is my suggestions pitch! Give me some ideas as to what you think Thranduil and Gimli should attempt to try and drive the Mary-Sues out! No, really: I HAVE NO IDEAS. So, if you want to see the next chapter, HELP ME!

* BWAHAHAHA! She Who Gives Migraines'  theory on the Great Hair Mystery! Legolas is a DIRTY BLONDE! And NOT in the sense of that girl who as hitting on Thranduil!