A/N: Wow. This is weird. I really didn't expect people to like this story. It's probably not going to be longer than three or four chapters (that's what happens when I post stories on a caprice -_-;). If I get some good ideas, it might go on longer. Hey, you never know. ^_^ I will try to make it as cynically funny as possible.

Disclaimer: All LotR characters are ridiculously OOC and belong to their respective copyright holder(s). Any other non-canon characters belong to anyone that wants them. I am making no money off this blasphemy against the great J.R.R. Tolkien, and I can only pray the Professor can forgive me. Apologies stated in Chapter One hold true to this chapter as well. And no, I am still not apologizing to the Mary-Sues.

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~*To recap: Thranduil and Gimli, having formed an alliance against the Mary-Sues who have invaded Mirkwood, are presently in Thranduil's dwelling, making plans…*~

"So, what is this thing?" Thranduil asked, holding up the smooth stone and peering into its swirling depths.

"It's a palantír," Gimli responded, taking the stone back from the Elven-king and setting it on the small table in front of them. "You know, a seeing-stone?"

"Of course I know!" Thranduil said haughtily. "But how did you get it?"

Gimli looked uncomfortable. "I bribed Halbarad to bring it back, after Aragorn looked into it. I…" He was blushing now. "I thought maybe…I would be able to see Galadriel in it. And…" He looked at the stone again. "It was so shiny…we lovesss shiny thingssss, don't we, my precioussss? Yesss…" Gimli picked up the stone again and began to whisper endearments to it.

Thranduil was suddenly very happy that Legolas hadn't brought any more Dwarves home with him.

"Alright, alright," Thranduil said, taking the stone from Gimli again and setting it on the table. "But how will this stone aid us in getting those girls out of my forest?"

Gimli smiled underneath his beard. "We're going to contact an old friend of mine. He's had his share of similar problems in the past, but he managed to overcome them. Perhaps he can give us some advice. We just look into the stone and concentrate on the location of another stone." Gimli looked into the stone; his brow furrowed as he concentrated very hard…

~*Somewhere in Gondor*~

"Sauron spies with his flaming eye…something…gray."

"Rocks?"

"You're good."

"Okay…Sauron spies with his flaming eye…something…brown."

"Dirt?"

"Yep."

In one word, the guards were bored. It was no fun guarding the palantír of Gondor. Every time they tried to look into it to spy on people, they only saw two old hands withering in flames. Badly-manicured hands to boot. Not exactly a source of entertainment. So, they passed the time by playing 'Sauron Spies'.

"Hmm…Sauron spies with his flaming eye…something…blue."

"Ooh…that's a tricky one…"

However, the guard didn't get a chance to guess what was blue. That moment, a flickering image appeared in palantír that they were guarding.

"Hey…look at that."

"It's a Dwarf!"

Indeed it was. A Dwarf with ruddy hair was staring through the palantír at them. "Good evening, gentlemen," the Dwarf said. "This is Gimli son of Glóin. I'm a friend of King Elessar's. Could you please tell him I'd like to speak with him?"

The guards looked at each other, befuddled. This was certainly different. Elessar had never told them what to do if someone actually tried to contact him over the seeing-stone.

"Are you two alright?" the Dwarf asked. "You look as though you've seen a ghost."

"No, just a…never mind. King Elessar is…erm…busy right now," one guards said.

"Not too busy to talk with an old friend, I'll wager!" the Dwarf said.

"No, he's pretty busy," the other guard said hastily.

"Nonsense," the Dwarf responded gruffly. "Let me talk to King Elessar."

"Alright," the first guards sighed, picking up the palantír. "But we warned you."

~*At Elessar's Chambers*~

The guards paused outside a set of large wooden doors, inlaid with silver and semi-precious stones. "Here you are, Master Dwarf," the first guard said.

"Thank you," the Dwarf in the stone said. "Now, would someone please get him?"

The second guard sighed and knocked three times.

"Oh…oh, by Elbereth…Estel!"

"Undómiel…Mmm!"

Gimli blushed inside the palantír. "I guess he is pretty busy."

"We told you."

"ARAGORN! AI, ARAGORN!"

"Yes, yes…ARWEN! What the…WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"

"King Elessar, there is a Dwarf on the palantír who wishes to speak with you."

"We are TRYING to produce an heir in here! Can't it wait?!" Elessar's voice sounded very strained.

"He says it cannot."

A slew of cursing issued from the chambers in a creative mix of Quenya and Sindarin.

~*Back in Mirkwood*~

Gimli turned to Thranduil. "What does that mean?"

"Umm…you don't want to know," the Elven-king responded, blushing to the roots of his golden-blonde hair.

~*Back in Gondor*~

Loud footfalls were heard in the chambers, heading towards the door. The guards wisely stepped back a few paces. A few seconds later both doors were flung open to reveal Aragorn Elessar Telcontar, the King of the Reunited Kingdoms of Gondor and Arnor…clad in nothing more than a bed sheet and looking very, very peeved.

"Good evening, Gimli," Aragorn said as he took the palantír from one of the guards and smiled a very, very strained smile at Gimli.

"Good evening, Aragorn. You look…well."

"Undoubtedly." Over Aragorn's shoulder, Gimli could see Arwen, also clad in a sheet and looking as annoyed, if not, more annoyed, than Aragorn. "How can I help you, my friend? And please, make it quick."

"We have a dilemma in Mirkwood. Legolas has surrounded himself with these girls…'Mary-Sues'. I believe you are familiar with them?"

"To some extent," Aragorn responded.

"Well, we noticed that Gondor is surprisingly Mary-Sue free. How is that?"

"Simple, my friend," Aragorn said, swiveling around and pointing the palantír in Arwen's direction.

"ESTEL!" she shrieked. "I'm not decent!"

"And there you have it," Aragorn said, pulling the palantír back in front of his face. "Tell Legolas to get married."

"I'm afraid it's not that simple, Estel." Thranduil poked his head into Aragorn's view.

"Ah! Thranduil! How nice to see you again!"

"Likewise, Estel. But, like I said, I don't think it's a simple as getting my son to marry. You see, it appears that he ENJOYS having these girls around. He's renting them out as his own courtesan service. And making quite a profit off of it, might I add."

"And besides, Aragorn," Gimli added, "you know that Legolas is gay."

"WHAT?!" Thranduil screamed.

Gimli looked at the Elven-king innocently. "What, you didn't know that?"

Thranduil didn't answer. He was staring ahead blankly and the color was rapidly draining from his face. "My…my son? Gay? But I thought…I always thought he was just feminine…"

"I see." Aragorn rubbed his unshaved face. "Yes, I had forgotten about Legolas'…'preference'. Well, that *is* a problem…Call the archers on them."

Thranduil snapped out of his shocked silence. "No, I can't kill them, Estel. I won't have MORE stories about me, saying that the Elven-king is cruel and heartless."

"Stories?" Aragorn looked confused.

"Yes, the girls keep babbling on about something called 'fanfics'. Apparently, they are stories where I am portrayed in less-than flattering manners."

"I see," Aragorn said. "Hmm…" He rubbed his unshaven chin again. "You COULD try telling them Legolas isn't interested-"

"Already tried it," Gimli said. "They didn't believe me."

" 'How can someone so gorgeous be gay?!', I believe that was the overwhelming response," Thranduil said.

Aragorn looked irritated now. "I don't know!" he barked. "Ahh…why don't you take out into Mirkwood and let the Spiders eat them?"
Thranduil's face brightened. "That's a FANTASTIC idea, Estel! I'll be rid of them, but I won't get my hands messy! Thank you!"

"My pleasure," Aragorn responded. "But, do me a favor, would you?"

"Anything!"

"Don't try to contact me after sundown anymore, alright?"

"Oh. Of course."

"ESTEL!"

"I have to go," Aragorn said, flinching under the piercing tone of Arwen's voice. He tossed the palantír back to the guards. "Coming, Undómiel!" He retreated into his chambers once again and shut the doors.

~*Back in Mirkwood*~

"Ah, this is the perfect solution!" Thranduil said, rubbing his hands together gleefully. "I always knew those spiders would be useful one day…"

Gimli just looked at the palantír. "Shiny, my preciousssss…"

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Plot Bunny Thanks go to:

Melilot Millstone: Oh yes, that will most likely be the case in the end. :) Many thanks for that idea. It will definitely show up in a later chapter.

Next chapter: The Wandering Sues. What shall befall them in Mirkwood?

*blatantly plugs products* If you like 'Elf Daddy', you should read 'The (mis)Adventures of Frodo and the Boys!', which I co-authored with my friend Echo_Starlite. Also, check out 'Just Call Me Mary-Sue' , 'An Elf Lord Has His Needs' and 'Faint'. All are hysterically funny.

Till I feel the urge to write again:

~She~