A/N: *falls over, then gets up and clambers back into her chair* WOW! I'm really glad you like this! THANKS for all the support I've been given on this little bastard of a fic. Really: THANK YOU ALL.

Disclaimer: All LotR characters are ridiculously OOC and belong to their respective copyright holder(s). Any other non-canon characters belong to anyone that wants them (with a few exceptions). I am making no money off this blasphemy against the great J.R.R. Tolkien, and I can only pray the Professor can forgive me. Apologies stated in Chapter One hold true to this chapter as well. And no, I am still not apologizing to the Mary-Sues.

WARNING: Slight OC slash in this chapter. And I thought I'd never write LotR slash…Ai, I guess there's a first time for everything! *whimpers* I'm sorry, but it was just too perfect to resist! ^^;; Slashing is done solely for the purposes of humor.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Elf Daddy

Chapter Four: Of Spiders and Silly Original Characters

'Ai! laurië lantar lassi súrinen! Yéni únótimë ve rámar*…'

"Like, Mister Elf-guy?"

'…aldaron, yéni ve lintë…' Nuquernaannûnion clenched his fists and repeated the words in his head, trying to calm himself down, or at least prevent himself from strangling the girl with his bare hands. '…yuldar vánier mi oromardi…'

"Like, helloooooo? Mister Elf-dude? Like, where are we going?"

"For the eighty-third time, I DON'T KNOW!" Nuquernaannûnion lied. Actually, he knew exactly where they were going. After all, Thranduil had personally threatened Nuquernaannûnion and his brothers with a pain worse than death, should they be followed back to Thranduil's dwelling by the Mary-Sues. '…lisse-miruvóreva Andúnë pella Vardo telluma…'

"Mister Elf-guy? Like, when are we going to be there?"

'…nu luini yassen tintilar i eleni ómaryo airetári-lírien…'  "I don't KNOW!"

"Like, you don't have to be so mean! I was, like, only ASKING, you jerk!"

'Sí man i yulma nin enquantuva? An sí Tuntallë-oh, FORGET IT!' Nuquernaannûnion stormed ahead of the troop of Mary-Sues he was leading to talk with his brother Pergaerion.

"Wait, Mister Elf-guy! Like, where are you going?!"

'Don't kill her, don't kill her, don't kill her…'

Nuquernaannûnion strode up to his elder brother, who was looking as peeved as Nuquernaannûnion felt. Several Mary-Sues behind him were whining at him to slow down so that they could magically healed their sprained or broken ankles. However, Pergaerion would not stop for anyone. He did not even slacken his pace when Nuquernaannûnion trotted up beside him.

"Pergaerion…please tell me we're almost at the Spiders…"

"Nope."

Nuquernaannûnion looked behind him at the whining troop of girls. "Could we not simply point them in the direction of the Spiders, and tell them to go that way?"

Pergaerion arched a slender brown eyebrow and looked inquisitively at his younger brother. "Do you think that would work?"

"For the sake of my sanity, I hope so."

"Calenfânion!"

"What?!" a girl's shrill voice yelled from behind him

"No! You're Calenfânien."

"Oh. Right."

"Good Gods," Nuquernaannûnion muttered. "Enter something more original into the Name Generator."

"What?" Calenfânion slowed down and to walk beside his two younger brothers. "What is it?"

"Can we desert them yet?"

"No. Thranduil said that we had to make sure the Spiders ate them."

"But they're annoying!" Nuquernaannûnion whined.

"So are you, but we haven't fed YOU to the Spiders yet," Calenfânion replied, smirking.

"You were always SO annoying, Nu," Pergaerion agreed.

"Well, Atar always took your side!" Nuquernaannûnion accused.

"Only because Nana always protected you as if you were made of pure mithril!" Calenfânion yelled. "It was always, 'Oh, be nice to your little brother, boys! Let him hunt yrch with you! And don't lead him near the spiders! If that strange little thing—the one that was about half a Man's size—hadn't come around and killed the spiders, he might have been eaten! Those horrible, horrible goblins! How could they just tie a poor elfling to a tree and leave him to die like that?' It was ALWAYS about you!"

"YOU tied me to that tree! YOU'RE the one who…you TOLD the spiders to eat me! SLOWLY! AND you told them to poison me as many times as they felt like!"

"And—if you weren't such a dratted good shot now—I'd do it again, you little brat!" Calenfânion growled, advancing on his youngest brother. "You're the one who ruined my chances with Nimiel!"

"Brothers! Brothers, be at peace!" Pergaerion said, stepping between the brothers. "Put your past squabbles aside."

" 'Past squabbles'?" Nuquernaannûnion said in disbelief. "Pergaerion, he tried to KILL me! On several occasions!"

"Calenfânion, the point of this conversation is not to rekindle old desires for Nuquernaannûnion's death. You have not answered our question yet: Can we desert the Mary-Sues yet?"

"No," Calenfânion said, glaring at Nuquernaannûnion over Pergaerion's shoulder. "We should take them to the spiders, and make sure the beasts eat every last one."

"Like you would have done to me," Nuquernaannûnion muttered.

"Otherwise, they could come back." Calenfânion ignored his youngest brother. "And, even though King Thranduil is just, I think that he is too frustrated to judge fairly, should they return to his dwelling-place. You've…well, you've seen how he twitches nowadays."

Nuquernaannûnion and Pergaerion nodded. Yes, they had noticed an increase in the TPD (Times per Day) that Thranduil twitched.

But Pergaerion wanted to get rid of the girls NOW. "That one over there is using your brush to groom her Cute Animal Friend."

"WHAT?!"

"You know, that Ela girl? The one with the wolves? I think it's your good brush, too. You know, the one you got on the march? The one that pretty Vanyar lady gave you?"

Calenfânion turned swiftly and suppressed a scream of rage as he indeed saw the Mary-Sue Ela brushing her wolves, Tala and Draug, with HIS hairbrush. His favorite hairbrush. He gritted his teeth, and his brothers took a few steps away from his as his usually pale Elven face slowly reddened with rage. Calenfânion was very proud of his long auburn hair, and he protected it and its care supplies as if he were in a Male Pregnancy fic and they were his first born children. And his brothers knew this all-too well.

"Remember, Cal, we're not supposed to kill them. We're just supposed to desert them; we're supposed to let the Spiders eat them…C—Cal? Cal?" Pergaerion thumped his fist on his brother's back. "BREATHE, CALENFÂNION!"

Calenfânion sucked in a hissing breath as Pergaerion patted him on the back reassuringly. "Women…must…die…now…" he managed to hiss out between clenched teeth.

"Alright!" He jerked up and turned to look at the Mary-Sues, who were still trailing behind the three brothers, whining the whole time. He clapped his hands. "Listen up, Mary-Sues!"

He was ignored.

He called louder: "Girls? LISTEN UP!"

Again, he was ignored.

"LOOK!" Calenfânion said, pointing at Nuquernaannûnion. "IT'S LEGOLAS! AND HE'S NAKED!"

The chatter immediately stopped. Hundreds of multi-colored eyes were fixed on the three brothers.

"THAT'S NOT MISTER LEGOLAS!" someone yelled.

"No crap," Nuquernaannûnion muttered.

"MISTER LEGOLAS IS MUCH HOTTER THAN THAT UGLY ELF!"

Don't kill her, don't kill her, don't kill her…

"I know," Pergaerion said. "Yes, I know that he is."

"Thanks for the moral support, Per," Nuquernaannûnion growled at his brother.

"The point is that Mister Legolas has asked us to bring you here so that you may improve your skills at-"

"Say no more," a girl called Analae said, holding up a hand so slender that it was bony. "So, what do you boys like? Hand jobs? Blow jobs? Or just good ole'  fucking?"

"Though I must admit, I can't understand why Mister Legolas didn't come, if he wanted to test our skills," a Mary-Sue called Elladriel pouted.

"Yes! I wanted to give Mister Legolas a hard-on," Lómelindi Evermind said, sulking.

"Then take it away!" Melyanna squealed, clapping her pale hands with excitement. The rest of the Mary-Sues agreed noisily with her. To them, it must have sounded like the tittering of starlings. The three brothers, however, had to plug their ears to keep them from bleeding.

"I think that you boys will enjoy this anyway, though," Selene said as the Mary-Sues moved in on the three. "Hope you have the same Elvish endurance as the rest of us!"

"Even us human girls!" someone in the back called out.

"Oh, be quiet! There are only five or so of you!"

"Oh, great job, Cal," Pergaerion muttered as the girls formed a broad circle around the three Elf brothers and began moving in. "Couldn't have just pointed them in the direction; you just HAD to dance around the subject."

"It's not my fault they have one-track minds!" Calenfânion hissed at his brother.

"Guys? Let's argue later…" Nuquernaannûnion whispered. "How are we going to get out of here?"

Pergaerion swallowed loudly. "I…read this in a story once." He scooted around Calenfânion until he was looking at his elder brother. He grabbed his brother's face with both hands. "Please forgive me, brother," he said solemnly before planting a kiss on his brother's lips.

There was utter silence among the throng of girls. Nuquernaannûnion merely blinked with disbelief as Pergaerion kissed his elder brother deeply. Calenfânion seemed to be suppressing the urge to run into the woods, screaming at the top of his lungs.

Finally, the silence amid the girls was broken: "EEEEEEEEEEW! SLASH! GROSS!"

Pergaerion pulled away from his brother and hid behind Nuquernaannûnion. "Don't hurt me, brother! I swear, I did it only out of concern for our greater good!" But Calenfânion wasn't listening to his younger brother, and Nuquernaannûnion couldn't hear his elder's pleas for mercy over the raving of the girls.

"I can't believe Mister Legolas sent us out here with a bunch of gay guys!" Abigail wailed. "What's WRONG with him?!"

Had Nuquernaannûnion been thinking straight, he would have muttered 'If only you knew…'. However, he was still staring in shock at Calenfânion, who was rubbing his mouth frantically with his forearm. He was also scratching up his face pretty good with metal rivets that studded his leather arm guard, but he didn't seem to care. Nuquernaannûnion didn't blame him.

"And they're BROTHERS!" Hoshi wailed. "Incest! ARG! I'm scarred for life!"

"The only thing worse would be Elladan/Elrohir!" someone wailed.

Half the girls looked at her. "Who?"

Pergaerion cleared his throat awkwardly and moved out from behind Nuquernaannûnion, laying his hand on his brother's shoulder. Nuquernaannûnion immediately flinched and attempted to move away from his older brother.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to do…THAT…again. Not if I can help it. Look: they're leaving us alone, aren't they?"

"Yes, but…"

"Listen up, girls!" Pergaerion yelled. The girls were too busy ranting about how gross slash was to listen to Pergaerion.

The Elf sighed and yelled: "LEGOLAS IN HEAT!"

The chatter stopped. It was as easy as blowing out a candle.

"Anyway…we're going deeper into the forest. Should you see any bones, tattered garments, or blood on the trees, ignore it! Thranduil has an odd decorating sense." The girls muttered in approval. Calenfânion pushes his way through the throngs of Mary-Sues and ran into the woods.

"Just follow us, ladies," Nuquernaannûnion said, arching an eyebrow as the distinct sounds of retching were heard in the bushes that Calenfânion had run into. 'And I thought Elves didn't get sick. Well, I guess there's a first time for everything. Poor Cal.' The Mary-Sues looked sickened as well from the disgusting sounds that proved, in their opinion, that Calenfânion was most likely not gay.

"Where are we going?" a girl whined.

"Right through here," Pergaerion said, gesturing to one of the breaches in the tree line. It was quite dark beyond, and there were numerous skulls and other odd bones scattered around the vicinity of the breach.

The Mary-Sues looked skeptical. 'So they're not as stupid as they look.' Nuquernaannûnion thought. 'Drat.'

But Pergaerion wasn't daunted. He grinned slyly. "Of course, if you ladies are frightened, I will understand…"

Immediately, the face of every Mary-Sue in the throng darkened. "WHAT did you say?"

"If you ladies are frightened, I fully understand," Pergaerion repeated calmly.

"How DARE you, you Male Chauvinist PIG! We are WOMEN! Anything you MEN can do, we can do JUST as well! If not, better! THAT'S why we're MORE than worthy to join the Fellowship!" Deminica yelled.

"When did the Fellowship get dragged into this?" Nuquernaannûnion asked his brother.

"I don't know. What's the Fellowship?"

"Dunno."

"We'll show him, won't we?!" Deminica yelled, turning to her brethren.

"YES!" they all shouted. Pergaerion and Nuquernaannûnion  had to dive out of the way as the Mary-Sues stampeded through the breach, kicking the skulls out of their way like soccer balls (if soccer had been existent in Middle-earth, that is). Their cries of 'WE ARE WOMEN, HERE US ROAR!' soon faded into the lush, dark thickets of Mirkwood.

"Well, that takes care of that!" Pergaerion said, dusting off his hands. "King Thranduil will be happy."

"I'll be happier, too." Nuquernaannûnion rose to his knees and tried to rub out a grass stain on his tunic. "It's very annoying to have girls trying to offer you advice on your archery skills all day. I DO know what I'm doing, you know! I haven't trained for several thousand years for nothing!"

"Cal?" Pergaerion walked over to the undergrowth Calenfânion had taken refuge in. "Cal? Cal! Come out! They've all gone away!"

"You go away!" came Calenfânion's response. "Just try to understand, Per: I love you, but not in THAT way!"

"And I feel the same way," Pergaerion said, sighing and rolling his eyes. "It was just a ruse. I promise I'll make Nu walk between us, alright?"

"Leave me out of this."

"Be quiet, Nu."

Calenfânion slowly crept out of the bush, looking up at his younger brother in something akin to fear. "You promise? No more…propinquity?"

"Yes, yes, I promise…whatever 'propinquity' means. Come on, Cal! We have to go tell the King of our success!"

~*~*~*~

"All dead?" Thranduil said, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, sire. We're sure they are. They nanced off into the deeper parts of the forest, and we ran all the way back here. I'm sure none of them followed us." The eldest of the three brothers, Calenfânion, was speaking on behalf of his two younger brothers. Though he did look considerably paler than usual.

'If I didn't know better, I would have thought he had been sick,' Gimli thought. 'But Elves do not succumb to illness, so…'

Thranduil grinned. "T-thank you, gentlemen. You are…dismissed. Take a vacation, if you feel like it."

The youngest looked up. "Sire?"

"Well, you should we rewarded for loyal services, I think. Don't you agree? Why don't you three take a nice, three month vacation? I hear Fangorn is lovely this time of year." Thranduil was vaguely aware of Gimli muttering beside him.

The three brothers blinked in disbelief. "S-sire? Th-three months?"

"A great reward for great services to the kingdom of Mirkwood…and myself," Thranduil said, smiling.

Calenfânion smiled slowly. "Th-thank you, sire. We…we will do as you bid."

"Go!" Thranduil said, and the three brothers nanced out of the room, never to be seen in this fic again.

"Sweet. Peace," Thranduil sighed, sitting down in a chair and sighing. "Gimli, my dear Dwarf, I think we've finally accomplished our goal."

"Thank Mahal," Gimli sighed, backing into the wall and slowly sitting down. "Peace at last. Finally! My beard will be accepted! Legolas will be disappointed, though. No doubting that."
            "He's a strong boy; he'll bounce back," Thranduil shrugged, indifferent. "Besides, I'd rather I didn't loose my sanity altogether. He'll mope around for a few weeks, then he'll be back to normal. Maybe he'll even get rid of those silly glasses of his."

"We can only hope," Gimli said.

"Why don't we open a bottle in celebration?" Thranduil asked. "I've saved some for a great occasion. Bottled in the Years of the Trees! Best stuff in Middle-earth! I was going to open it when Dol Guldur fell, but this just seems so much more significant."

"Gladly!" Gimli jumped up from his position against the wall, and they walked off to find some of Thranduil's best.

"The Years of the Trees? Never opened?"

"Never!"

"I can't wait!…"

Far off, in some distant, dark part of Mirkwood…

"Like, take that, you nasty spider-things!"

"OH! Rip MY dress, will you? Like, have at you!…"


…To Be Continued…

Names:

Nuquernaannûnion is the Barrow-Downs name generator's equivalent of 'Bit character'. And, apparently, 'Bit character' was a 'Powerful Wood-Elf'. Uh-huh…

Pergaerion is the Barrow-Downs' equivalent of 'Nuquernaannûnion's Brother' (and apparently, Pergaerion was a Crying Umbarian. Huh).

Calenfânion is the Barrow-Downs' equivalent of 'The Third Elf-Guy' (and he was a Forgotten Ranger of Ithilien. You don't say).

I claim all three brothers, just so you know. MINE MINE MINE!

* Yes, I realize Nuquernaannûnion, being only a lowly Elf, would not know that song, but let's face it: I stopped paying attention to canon a long time ago.

The overly-abundant Author's Notes:

Hey! If you want to read the MST of that Mary-Sue that Nuquernaannûnion referred to (the one with the Ela Sue), just check out my site-in-construction! http://www.geocities.com/rainandfoam/ Only a few chapters are up now, but I think the MST is pretty good. ^_^ I can send more via e-mail, so give me access to your address if you want more of the MST. I can start an MST mailing list! ^o^

If you see your Mary-Sue on here and want to bitch at me that I've stolen from you…please do it in an e-mail. For convenience, I'll post my e-mail here: insanity_on_the_run@hotmail.com. I would like some new MST material. I'll do the same with reviews, if need be. On a related note, I, once again, disclaim all the Mary-Sues. Just like I am borrowing the Professor's world and characters(all hail Tolkien, genius and God of his world! *bows and worships Tolkien*), I am borrowing the Mary-Sues. So there. It's not an MST, it's not a list, it's not an actor fic, and the whole site is filled with plagiarism anyway. You people have NOTHING on me!

Also, each and every plot bunny you can give me would be appreciated and treasured as if it were my first born child…or, at least, one of Calenfânion's hair-care products.

~She~

I go!