Title: Wounded Heart .
Author: Daisy
Email: e.large@talk21.com
Pairing: Angel/Cordelia
Rating:Kiddies beware....NC17 (some sex and swearing)
Category: Angst, sex and romance
Spoilers:I don't think so, but you can never be too
sure, maybe some speculation for season 4.
Disclaimer:All together now....All the characters belong
to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy and UPN and Fox and
anyone else that has the money to sue me. The story
title and lyrics below belong to Bonnie Raitt, Bonnie
please don't shout at me, I'm just borrowing them
because cos I love them so much! NOT MINE
Distribution:Want, take, have, but be a peach and let me
know.
Feedback: Yes please, its chocolate for the soul.
A/N: A lot of you were kinda vocal about me doing a
sequel to Secretly falling apart......so here it is! Oh,
I've made up some things that never actually happened in
Cordelia's past, you'll see what I mean when you come
across it.
"Wounded heart I cannot save you from yourself Though I wanted to be brave It never helps 'Cause your trouble's like a flood Raging through your veins And no amount of love's enough To end the pain" Wounded Heart-Bonnie Raitt.
Angel lovingly brushed Cordelia's hair from her forehead, running his thumb across her cheek and drying her tears. The seer bit her bottom lip, stifling the sob that threatened to escape.
"Shh Cordy, it's OK baby. I love you. " The vampire whispered against her swollen lips.
"I love you." Cordelia murmured back, her back arching off the bed as Angel slowly thrust in to her. He surrounded her, body, heart and soul, Cordelia wept from the sweetness of it.
"Oh god..." She moaned as the first throws of orgasm swept over her, Cordelia tightened her long legs around him, pulling him closer. She cried out loudly as she came, her head thrown back, howling to the moon. The bass beat of her heart thrummed in her chest calling to Angel. She felt the vampire nuzzling the delicate skin of her throat. Cordelia quailed as he punctured her neck with his teeth, drinking from her deeply as he released his dead seed inside her.
"Angel stop.." Cordelia whimpered when her vision became blurry, Angel's fingers dug in to her shoulders, gone was the tender touch of moments before.
"Angel, No!" She cried out in fear. Angel pulled his mouth away, he towered over her, eyes glowing amber, blood running down his chin. Cordelia shrank away from him.
"Uh uh, Cordy, Angelus. This is what you asked for, this is what you wanted." He growled and resumed feeding from her, Cordelia's sobbed until her world faded, then turned black.
Cordelia bolted upright in her bed, her heart beating wildly from the dream still raw in her mind. Over and over again she had woken like this, an ache between her thighs and a cold sweat on her back. She sighed, rubbing the tense muscles in her neck. Cordelia untangled her legs from the blanket and got out of bed, there was no way she was going to get back to sleep now, even though she was tired she found no comfort in sleep.
"Hey Dennis." Cordelia greeted her ever present invisible house mate when she felt his cold presence hovering behind her. "I'm fine." The seer told him before he got the chance to write the question down. "Everything is just fine and wonderful." Not even trying to sound convincing any more as she slumped down into a chair. Her gaze travelled around the darkened room, finally settling on a picture of herself and Angel in happier times, before everything had fallen apart. She laid her head on the table top, breathing in the musty wood scent, trying to erase everything that had happened.
"Everything is just fucking fantastic." The young woman lied to herself and her ghost, it was a lie that would help her get through the night.
***
Angel sat alone in his room, listening to the hushed voices of his friends down stairs, he knew they were worried about him, he saw the concerned looks and heard the whispered questions. He had been back from oblivion for two weeks but had barely spoken to any of them. The morning he came back, that terrible morning when nothing had seemed real, they'd all rushed to the hotel, to him.
Even with the soft voices floating to him from downstairs Angel felt desperately alone, he had lived a long and solitary life but in this moment, even with the people he loved so close at hand, Angel felt like the last man on the earth. When Cordelia had left that morning so many days ago he hadn't cared if he'd never saw her again, his pain was a bitter pill he could not swallow, as the days passed he still seethed at her betrayal and raged at her actions but a new ache was forming inside his chest.
He missed her.
***
Fred watched the people she had come to call her family milling about the lobby of the Hyperion Hotel, two weeks after the banishment of Angelus tension was still thick with in the group. Gunn was avoiding Angel, Fred was avoiding Gunn, Wesley was keeping himself to himself and Angel was avoiding everyone. Yet they were here trying to rebuild their business and relationships. All apart from Cordelia. The petite Texan knew something had happened but no one but the vampire and the seer knew what it was and they weren't willing to share.
Fred missed her friend desperately, she had been to her apartment and called numerous times but the seer always had an excuse for not talking to her, for not coming to work. The longest conversations they had were when Cordelia rang them with details of a vision, but they were few and far between and even then Cordelia only gave the basic facts that were needed. Angel wasn't much better, today was the first day he really came out of his room to spend any time with them, Fred guessed that this is what he was like when he first moved to LA, sitting alone in the dark, wearing his guilt and pain like an amour.
"Fred, did you maybe want to go get some thing to eat tonight?" Gunn asked his girlfriend tentatively. Fred knew he was trying to mend the broken bridges in their relationship and she appreciated it, but she wasn't sure if they even had a relationship to mend anymore.
"I um...I don't know Charles, maybe another night." Fred told the young black man, she watched his face drop and felt like she'd just kicked a puppy.
"Sure, whatever." Gunn mumbled from his seat opposite her. Fred sighed and returned to trying to decipher Cordelia's computer password. She had tried every word, combination of letters and numbers that she could think of but the files they needed were still buried away out of her reach. Why can't I figure this out? Fred asked herself. Then it came to her, she was thinking too much like a scientist and not enough like Cordelia. She typed in five little letters, the computer came to life.
"Angel!" Fred whooped happily, the joyous noise sounded foreign in the subdued hotel.
"Mmm?" Angel looked up from the book he was pretending to read.
"Oh, umm, no. Sorry Angel, I just, um, Cordelia's password, it was.... Angel." Fred bumbled, "I'll just get back..." She quickly turned her attention back to the computer screen, scolding herself for using the C word. Over the last two weeks it had become an unwritten rule that no one mentioned Cordelia's name in front of the vampire, they decided that after they saw Angel's eyes flicker yellow at the word. Fred hated this, she hated the tension and she hated the divides that were growing between them all.
"Ummm Gunn, I think.......dinner tonight sounds good." Fred whispered to him changing her mind, a hopeful smile gracing her lips. Gunn never got the chance to answer as the front doors crashed open loudly.
"Cordelia!" Fred jumped up and ran towards the young woman, Cordelia didn't see her though, so intent on her target that everything else faded away.
"You told Buffy!" Cordelia shouted at the vampire as she marched up to him. "Why the hell did you tell her of all people?! Did you tell her to ring me and lecture me?!"
Angel stood up, his face a mask covering his emotions. He noted her tired and drawn appearance, of course she looked as immaculate as ever, she was Cordelia Chase after all, but she looked older then her years. His seer stood with her hands on her hips, fire in her eyes, waiting for an explanation. God I miss this woman, Angel thought. He pushed his feelings down inside himself, remembering what she had done with Angelus.
"She's my friend, I'll tell Buffy whatever I want Cordelia." Angel dismissed her but she didn't back down.
"Bull shit, you and Buffy aren't friends, you were telling tales on me. What happens between us is none of the Slayers business!" Cordelia hissed at him. Wesley, Gunn and Fred stood together watching the seer and her champion tearing each other apart, Fred felt Gunn's strong hand lace through hers.
"C'mon guys.." Wesley tried to calm the angry lovers down only to be rewarded with a cold hard stare from Angel.
"Stay out of this Wesley." Angel snapped at the Englishman, Wesley recoiled slightly, moving behind Fred for protection.
"Don't talk to Wesley like that, you should be worshipping the ground that man walks on, if it weren't for him you'd still be Angelus." Cordelia stepped towards him, her heels making a deadly clack on the ground.
"And I bet that just bugs the hell out of you." Angel hissed spitefully. Cordelia blinked at Angel's vicious tone, she realised he didn't understand at all, even after everything she had told him the morning he returned to them.
"It's not...you don't..." Cordelia struggled, she felt the questioning eyes of the people she loved on her, all asking her the same thing, What did you do? "I'm not going to do this here." Cordelia said finally, she couldn't bare for her dear friends to see them like this.
"What? Don't you want them to know what you did? Are you ashamed, scared of what they might say?" Angel threatened, a scowl twisting his beautiful face.
"Angel, don't." Cordelia warned him, she felt her skin begin to flush in embarrassment, tears pricking at her eyes. Please don't please don't please don't, she repeated to herself over and over again, a prayer offered to any deity that hadn't abandoned her.
"Don't you want them to know how you made yourself Angelus' whore?" Angel snarled. Somewhere outside of herself she heard Fred's gasp of shock. Cordelia slapped Angel hard across the face, the palm of her hand stung, what little dignity she had left vanished.
Angel wiped away the blood she'd drawn from his bottom lip, instantly regretting what he'd said. He looked at the woman he loved, she was trembling with rage, her eyes fixed angrily on him, a shadow of the person she once was. Angel had done this to her and he hated himself for it. Cordelia stepped backwards uncertainly, she needed to get out of the hotel, get far away from there.
"Cordelia..." Angel stepped towards her, his hand outstretched in apology. She looked over at her friends seeing pity in their eyes. Cordelia pulled her gaze away from them, shame flooding her, making her feel nauseous.
"How long are you going to keep on punishing me for this Angel?" The seer stared at him, the pain in her eyes made Angel's heart cry out to her. The vampire took another step toward her, trying to bridge the gap between them.
"I have to...I have to go." Cordelia mumbled, walking backwards to the door. She took one last look at her friends, when they wouldn't meet her gaze Cordelia turned around and left the hotel.
***
Dennis watched his only friend running around the apartment, throwing clothes in to a bag as she went. He had never wanted to be alive more than he did at this moment. He wanted to hold Cordelia, tell he everything would be OK, soothe her demons. Dennis had watched her slowly fall apart over the last few months and there was nothing he could do. He couldn't even stop Angelus that night, something he would never forgive himself for.
Cordelia ignored the incessant knocking on the front door, she heard Fred's sweet voice drifting through the wood, begging her to open up. The seer turned up her stereo, trying to drown out the world. The door swung open and the music stopped, Cordelia cursed at her interfering ghost.
"Cordelia, what are you doing?" Fred demanded as she walked in, seeing the messy bag of belongings on the table. Cordelia carried on pretending the other woman wasn't there, she pulled her long dark hair up into a ponytail then thought better of it when she saw Angelus' mark.
"Are you leaving?" Fred said, Cordelia faltered at the smaller woman's worried tone. She took the seers silence as a yes.
"Where are you going?"
"England. I'm seeing an old friend." Cordelia told her flatly, Fred saw the half empty bottle of vodka on the table top.
"Why?"
"Because I am." She zipped up her bag and checked she had her passport.
"Cordelia can you just stop a minute and talk to me please!" Fred shouted at her, surprising Cordelia, she'd never heard the little Texan shout like that before. Cordelia put down her bag and poured her friend a small glass of vodka, she slid it across the table towards Fred and sat down. "How much of that have you had?"
"Not nearly enough." Cordelia gulped down the clear alcohol from the bottle, she didn't flinch as it burnt her throat. Fred watched her, she'd never seen Cordelia act like this before, it frightened her.
"God Cordy, what happened?" Fred asked her, her confusion and concern written all over her face. Cordelia shook her head, she couldn't bring herself to look at this sweet girl, she couldn't bare to see the disgust in her friends eyes. The seer put her head in her hands and leant on the table, the large ammount of vodka in her system suddenly kicking in, making the room spin around her.
"I missed him so much...I never meant to...." Cordelia trailed off, unsure of what she was trying to say. "Angelus wasn't...it didn't mean anything..." She looked at Fred pleadingly, "Angel gave up his soul, he just left us....he left me Fred and I hurt so bad and Angelus was...he was there. I can't stay, we'll just keep on hurting each other, I won't do that to Angel, I'm not....I don't intend on coming back. " Cordelia felt hot tears running down her cheeks, she hadn't even realised she was crying. She felt Fred's hand settle over her own, the first gentle touch of comfort she had felt in weeks. Her tears fell harder.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Fred asked her dear friend softly.
"I couldn't." Cordelia wiped her eyes roughly, trying to pull herself together.
"You should have...."
"Well I should of done a lot of things that I didn't."Cordelia snapped at Fred, her alcohol induced mood changing suddenly. The seer stood up sharply, she snatched the bottle off the table and took it with her in to the bathroom. Cordelia sat down on the side of the tub and with a shaking hand drank the vodka, she was tired of crying, it felt like all she had done of late was cry and feel sorry for herself. That wasn't the Queen C her mother raised. She heard Fred speaking quietly and guessed she was on the phone, probably telling the world Cordelia Chase is falling apart, she thought to herself. She splashed a little cold water on her face then shakily reapplied her mascara. It was time for her to go.
"My flight leaves soon." Cordelia told Fred as she walked out of the bathroom and picked up her bags.
"You can't.....Cordelia your drunk!"
"I'm fine." She pulled on her leather jacket, stumbling slightly at the movement.
"Please Cordy, just...just wait!" Fred scrambled in front of her trying to block her path. She didn't know what to do, Gunn had told her to just keep her there and he and Wesley would be there as soon as possible but Fred wasn't a very good barrier. Cordelia dodged her easily, even when highly inebriated the seer had the reflexes of a cat, she thanked the Sunnydale High-school cheer leading squad for that. She was out of the door and into the street before the little Texan could stop her.
"CORDELIA!!!" Fred shrieked.
The seer never saw the car that hit her.
***
Angel ran blindly through the crowded hospital not noticing the people that he pushed out of his way. A sea of faces swam before him, he couldn't focus on anything properly, there were too many people here, too many people in his way. He needed everything to stop, he needed to think, make sense of what had happened. That's when he saw her from across the corridor, her broken body laying still in a dim room surrounded by machines. Angel stopped, frozen in fear. She's dead, was the only thought in his brain.
The vampire barrelled towards the room, terror as sharp as ice pricking at his skin. Angel was stopped before he could enter, he spun around, ready to bite the head off of the fool that was stopping him.
"You can't go in there Sir." A slight, red-haired nurse told him in no uncertain terms, pulling him away by his arm.
"I'm her husband." Angel growled at her, easily tugging out of her grasp and entering Cordelia's room. Angel stared at the woman he loved, his heart tearing in two at the sight before him. There was an angry bruise spreading across the left side of her face and a thick bandage covering her forehead. He saw her chest rising and falling softly, he felt relief flood through him and steadied himself against the wall. She was alive.
"It looks a lot worse than it is." The nurse said from behind him. "Your wife has a few bruised ribs, a fractured wrist and a sprained ankle, she's a very lucky woman. The drip is so she doesn't get dehydrated, she has a lot of alcohol in her system Mr Chase. Your wife is going to have one hell of a hangover when she wakes up."
Angel heard the door shut as the nurse left, he sat on the plastic chair next to her bed and took Cordelia's hand in his. The vampire felt her squeeze his hand instinctively in her sleep, something Cordelia had always done when they had laid together at night, spent from passion. Angel kissed the slender fingers encased in his own, the last three and a half months of pain and misery washed over Angel, the grief of what they had lost choking him. The vampire laid his head down on to the starched white hospital bed and cried.
***
"Angel, how is she?" Wesley asked him as he came out of Cordelia's room an hour later. Angel ran his hands tiredly through his hair and sat down opposite his three friends.
"She's still sleeping. Fred, what happened?" Angel asked.
"She was leaving, Angel I tried to stop her but I couldn't, she just wouldn't listen!" Fred looked like she was about to cry.
"It's OK Fred, I know how stubborn Cordelia can be, it's not your fault." He told her honestly. "Did she say where she was going?"
"To stay with an old friend in England. I didn't know Cordy knew anyone there."
"She must have meant Giles, we should probably let him know what's happened." Wesley said but didn't make a move from his seat. He was still in a little shock from seeing Cordelia's unconscious body being wheeled in to the back of an ambulance just as he and Gunn had arrived at her apartment.
"The librarian from her High-school? Why would she go stay with him?" Fred wondered out loud.
"Because Giles use to be a lot more than just Cordelia's librarian." Angel muttered jealously.
"Huh?....Oh!" Fred's face flamed red when she figured out what he meant.
"Do you know how long she was planning on being in England?" Angel asked, trying to put everything together in his head.
"I don't think she was going to come back." Fred frowned. She felt Gunn's strong arms capture her around her waist, pulling her closer to him. Fred leant back and rested her head on his chest, she listened to the soft thud of his heart and realised how much she missed being close to him.
"I can't believe she was just going to leave like that." Angel said in disbelief.
"Well you can hardly blame her." Gunn spoke up, unable to hold his tongue any longer.
"Charles don't, now isn't the time." Fred said to her boyfriend.
"You got something to say to me Gunn?" Angel bristled.
"It's your fault Barbie's in here, if you hadn't unleashed Angelus then none of this would have happened." Gunn accused him bitterly. Wesley and Fred lowered their eyes to the floor, the physicist moved away from her boyfriend feeling a fight brewing between the men.
"I didn't have a choice, they had my son!" The vampire barked at the young man causing several people to stare at the group.
"We would have got Connor back Angel, we would have found a way. You should have come to us."
"So it makes what Cordelia did OK?" Angel shot out of his seat and bellowed incredulously.
"I'm not saying that Angel, what she did was wrong and stupid but...the woman was hurting and angry. She wasn't thinking straight!" Gunn stood up and defended his friend.
"You should have stopped her!"
"If we knew what she was doing don't you think we would have tried! You should have never given up your soul! This is your fault man!" Gunn pushed the vampire angrily, contempt scorching his dark eyes. Angel felt the features on his face ripple, his demon rattling near the surface.
"Back off Gunn before I do something you're going to regret." Angel growled in his face.
"Are you threatening me vampire?" The young man didn't back down.
"Sit down boy." The vampire snarled. The two glared at each other, neither willing to concede defeat to the other.
"If you two have quite finished your pissing contest could you both sit down and shut the hell up!" Fred shouted at them both. Wesley chuckled at the astonished expressions on the two men's faces, God bless little Fred, he said to himself. Angel and Gunn slumped down in to their chairs, sulking and shooting evil looks at each other. "This is so not the time for you two to be screaming at each other, save it for when we get home." She hissed at them, her face blushing when she realised people were looking at her. "Now, I'm going to go see Cordy, do you think you two could try not to kill each other in the five minutes that I'm gone?" She raised her eyebrows expectantly at them. "Honestly, men." Fred sighed and left shaking her head.
***
"This is the second time today I've caught you running out on us." Fred said to Cordelia when she walked in to her room, the seer was struggling out of bed, her arm cradling her side. Cordelia looked up like a deer caught in the head lights when she heard her friend come in, her head span sickly from all the movement. Fred rushed to her when the seer lost her balance and helped her back on the bed.
"I wasn't running, I was shuffling very very slowly." Cordelia winced at the pain in her head. Fred tucked Cordelia's straggly hair behind her ear, a sad smile on her face.
"How are you feeling?" Fred asked her.
"Like I've been hit by a huge vodka bottle on wheels." Cordelia shifted uncomfortably, her ribs aching painfully whenever she breathed.
"Have you spoken to the doctor?"
"Yeah, apparently I got off lightly, could have been worse, I'm not exactly sure how though. Fred...I'm really sorry, I shouldn't have dashed off like an idiot." Cordelia apologised to her friend.
"Ssh Cordy, it's OK, just never ever do it again." Fred tried to soothe her.
"I've really messed things up haven't I?" Cordelia leant against the smaller woman wearily.
"Nooo." Fred said unconvincingly.
"Liar." Cordelia chuckled holding her side, her mood soured when she felt the stabbing pain in her side. "When can I get out of here?"
"I think Angel's talking to the Doctor now."
Cordelia squinted through the blinds trying to catch sight of the vampire, she wasn't sure if she could face seeing him right now. But the decision was taken out of her hands when Angel entered the room with the doctor.
"Mrs Chase, you can go home in a little while, we're satisfied that there were no head or spine injuries, but you're going to have to take it easy for a while. And you might want to hold back on the booze." The Doctor looked at her disapprovingly.
"OK, thank you Doctor." Cordelia said to the Doctors back as he hurried out already thinking about the other ten patients he was looking after. "Mrs Chase? Did I get married and no one told me about it?" She asked Fred confused
"It was the only way I could get in to see you." Angel said from the corner he had taken up residence in. If Angel were being truthful he would have said that he hadn't even realised that he'd told the nurse he was Cordelia's husband, he'd just said it instinctively as though it were the truth.
"Oh." Was all Cordelia could think of saying. Fred shifted her gaze between the seer and the vampire, noting their discomfort. She was getting really tired of all this crap.
"Umm Fred, could you get Gunn to give me a ride home?" Cordelia asked Fred. Fred was about to answer her when Angel spoke up again.
"You're coming home with me." Angel ordered her.
"I don't think so. I can look after myself." Cordelia scooted off the bed defiantly, wincing when she tried to pick up her clothes that Fred had brought in for her. She straightened herself and tried to catch her breath, which would have been fine if her ribs were screaming at her.
"Yeah, your not struggling at all." Angel rolled his eyes at the wounded woman's stubbornness, "Don't fight me on this woman, your staying with me. I'll sort out the paper work, Fred help her change." Angel stalked out of the room in search of a nurse.
"This is a really bad idea." Cordelia grumbled as she struggled out of the flimsy hospital gown. Fred couldn't help but notice how much weight she had lost, she had always been a little jealous of Cordelia's hour glass figure and it pained her to see the seer as she was now, stick thin, bruised and battered. Fred would never forgive herself for not seeing what Cordelia was going through for all those months.
"Well Cordy honey, I don't think you have a choice." Fred helped her to slowly get dressed. And maybe that's a good thing, she silently added.
***
Angel walked ahead of the group as they entered the hotel, his shoulders were hunched and his brow was set in a near permanent scowl as he carried Cordelia's bag upstairs and to his room. Angel was angry, angrier than he had been before. He was so mad at himself, at Cordelia, Wesley, Gunn and Fred that he could spit. What the hell happened to us? He asked himself. Angel threw the small bag on to his bed then went around picking up the clothes that were strewn around the room. The place was a mess, he'd been living like a fifteen year old boy ever since his soul had been returned, what was the point of keeping a clean house when the woman he loved had betrayed him? He stopped himself when that thought entered his head. Angel knew he had to stop doing this, he had to get past what had happened, it was killing them all. The vampire realised he was part of the problem and it was time he took some responsibility for it. Angel had almost lost the most important person in his world this evening, it put the last few months in perspective. He lost her once to the powers, he refused to lose her this time because of his own bullheadedness.
"Cordelia are you hungry?" Angel asked her as he joined the group in the lobby.
"No..not really." She said so quietly even Angel had to strain to hear her.
"Well you should eat something anyway." Angel said.
"Really Angel, I'm fine. Look, I'll be OK back at my place, I have Dennis to look after me and Fred can stay with me for a while, right Fred?" Cordelia looked at her pleadingly, Fred said nothing, she was staying well out of this.
"For the last time, you're staying here." He put his foot down. The telephone ringing loudly stopped Cordelia from arguing any further. Wesley rushed to get it, desperate for the distraction.
"Angel Investigations, we are the hopeless." The English man sighed into the phone.
"Interesting slogan you've got there." Rupert Giles greeted Wesley from the other end of the phone.
"Giles, good to hear from you. I take it you got my message then?"
"Yeah....how is she?"
"I'll let her tell you." Wesley handed the phone over to the tired brunette who'd made her way to the phone when she heard Giles' name mentioned.
"Rupert?" Cordelia said, her voice cracking slightly. Fred saw Angel's back tense up at the way the seer had said the other mans name. She realised there was a lot she didn't know about Cordelia's past.
"Cordelia, how are you feeling?" Giles asked her softly.
"Like crap. I missed my flight." She heard the older man chuckling at her obvious statement. "As soon as I can tie my own shoe laces I plan on coming over, that is if I'm still welcome?" Wesley, Gunn and Fred all looked at Angel when they heard this but his back was still facing them. Wesley saw a muscle twitch in the vampires neck.
"You can come here when ever you want, you know that. Just take it easy for a while, let your friends look after you. Are you staying with Angel?" Giles asked her.
"Apparently." She muttered unhappily.
"Good. Talk to each other Cordy, get it sorted. He loves you, y'know." Giles said. They quietly said their goodbyes and ended the call. When Cordelia rejoined her friends she smiled at the way they were all pretending that they hadn't been listening to her conversation.
"Giles says hi." Cordelia told Angel.
"Angel why is your eye twitching?" Fred asked the tense vampire.
"It's not." He slapped his hand against his eye "I'll run you a bath Cordelia." Angel decided so he wouldn't have to sit and listen to Cordelia talk about her old boyfriend, he wasn't sure his eye could take it. Cordelia watched him stomp up the stairs and prayed that what Giles had told her was true, that after everything that had happened Angel did still love her.
***
Cordelia could smell roses as she entered the vampires bedroom, she saw her bag on the bed and the towels that were laid out for her and realised that Angel must intend for her to stay in his room. The floral scent became stronger when she neared the bathroom, she was greeted with one of the sweetest sights she had ever seen, Angel with his shirt sleeves rolled up his strong arms running her a bath, the steam from the hot water swirling around the room and settling on his cool skin.
"Thank you Angel." She said from behind him.
"Can you manage?" Angel asked her as he wiped his wet hands on a towel.
"I'll be fine." Cordelia smiled at him in appreciation. When Angel had left and the door was closed Cordelia sat on the toilet lid and tried to take off her shoes. "GAH!" She exclaimed when her mangled side took her breath away. "Goddamn it." She whimpered and started to cry quietly, what she had been through finally catching up with her. Angel heard her misery and went back into the bathroom. Without saying a word he knelt down in front of her and untied her shoes and slipped them off. He looked at the shattered woman in front of him, he gently brushed her tears away with his thumb, Cordelia closed her eyes and leant into his hand.
"Stand up Cordy." Angel told her quietly, his deep voice calming her. She wobbled to her feet and let the vampire remove her clothes, feeling no embarrassment at the intimate act.
"You haven't called me Cordy in a while."
"No I...I guess I haven't." Angel's brow creased in concentration as he studied the dark bruises across her chest and ribs, her skin was a landscape of black and blue, he knew that if it weren't for her demon DNA her injuries would have been much worse. He thanked the powers for that. Angel wordlessly helped her into the hot bath, making sure not to let her bandaged wrist get wet. Cordelia laid back and let out a contented sigh.
"Angel, can you...can you stay?" The seer asked him when she realised he was getting ready to leave the room. He faltered for a moment then sat down next to the tub, he could deny her nothing right now.
"So you still plan on going to England then?" Angel asked, trying not to stare at her breasts, even after everything that had happened and the poor physical shape Cordelia was in, he still wanted her, he was a manpire after all.
"I am."
"To stay with Giles." Angel said it more of a statement of fact than a question, Cordelia noticed the little flicker at the corner of his eye. She had to stop herself from laughing.
"You know Rupert and I are just friends Angel." She said, reading his mind.
"Doesn't mean I have to like it." Angel muttered like a petulant child.
"You were never bothered about me seeing Rupert before." Cordelia raised her eyebrows at him, noting the sharp pain in her forehead at the action. Is there any part of me that doesn't hurt she wondered.
"Yes I was, I just hid it better." Angel smiled at her, it was the first smile they shared in weeks. "So, how's your head?" He changed the subject.
"Sore like the rest of me. Can you help me take this ridiculous bandage off, all it needs is a band aid, I must have had an over enthusiastic nurse." Cordelia sat up, relaxing in Angel's presence. Angel carefully removed the dressing, revealing a cut about an inch and a half long, he could see that it was already starting to heal.
"Better?" He whispered, his voice husky, intoxicated by her presence.
"Mmmm." Cordelia moaned happily as Angel untied her hair and ran his fingers through it gently. She had missed this so much, the tender loved filled touches of the man she lived for. Cordelia wanted to close her eyes and keep them in this moment forever. She felt warm water trickling down her back and realised Angel was washing her hair. "Angel...you don't have to do this."
"I want to." Angel said. The only sounds heard in the small bathroom were Cordelia's shallow breathing and the splash of water. She hummed lightly when Angel shampooed her long dark hair, massaging away some of the pain of the last few months. Her eyes fluttered shut at the delicious feel of the water running down her spine. She was tired and the painkillers were starting to kick in making her feel light as a feather. Cordelia shifted her position, hissing sharply at the pain in her back, OK maybe not that light, she told herself.
"I'm sorry." Angel apologised, stopping his actions.
"It wasn't you, I just need to remember never to move." Cordelia shifted again awkwardly, finally finding a comfortable position.
"I meant about the deal I made with Lilah for my soul, I never should have...I should have spoken to you about it." Angel said as he washed the last of the soap out of her hair.
"Oh." Cordelia blinked, surprised by his apology. "Angel, you don't need to apologise."
"Yes, I do." He insisted. Cordelia laid back down into the bath and Angel knelt beside her, his hand in the bath tracing small circles on her hip. "I....I don't want you to go." He told her truthfully. Cordelia's heart lifted at his simple plea.
"I don't know if I can stay." Cordelia threaded her hand through his, rubbing her fingers over his strong callused hand. "I can't bare how much I've hurt you."
"Shh, we'll talk about it later."
"I'm so sorry Angel." Cordelia felt him squeeze her hand in understanding.
No more was said while he helped her out of the bath, carefully wrapping a towel around her naked body. His hand accidentally brushed the side of her breast, Cordelia could swear she saw the vampire blush. She snaked her arms around him tentatively, praying he wouldn't push her away, Angel didn't hesitate in returning the embrace and rested his chin on her head, a position they had both found comfort in time and time before. Angel finally pulled out of her hold realising she was half asleep in his arms. He laid her down gently on to the bed pulling the thick blanket over her.
"I missed you." Cordelia yawned just as she fell asleep.
"I missed you to." Angel kissed the sleeping woman's forehead. He pulled his leather chair over to the bed and sat down, content to watch her sleep. There were so many things they still had to talk about. They would scream and cry and curse at each other until they were insane, he didn't know if they could ever move on from this, if they could ever forgive each other for their actions. But there was one thing Angel was sure of as he sat watching Cordelia sleep. There was no way he was letting this woman go.
the end
"Wounded heart I cannot save you from yourself Though I wanted to be brave It never helps 'Cause your trouble's like a flood Raging through your veins And no amount of love's enough To end the pain" Wounded Heart-Bonnie Raitt.
Angel lovingly brushed Cordelia's hair from her forehead, running his thumb across her cheek and drying her tears. The seer bit her bottom lip, stifling the sob that threatened to escape.
"Shh Cordy, it's OK baby. I love you. " The vampire whispered against her swollen lips.
"I love you." Cordelia murmured back, her back arching off the bed as Angel slowly thrust in to her. He surrounded her, body, heart and soul, Cordelia wept from the sweetness of it.
"Oh god..." She moaned as the first throws of orgasm swept over her, Cordelia tightened her long legs around him, pulling him closer. She cried out loudly as she came, her head thrown back, howling to the moon. The bass beat of her heart thrummed in her chest calling to Angel. She felt the vampire nuzzling the delicate skin of her throat. Cordelia quailed as he punctured her neck with his teeth, drinking from her deeply as he released his dead seed inside her.
"Angel stop.." Cordelia whimpered when her vision became blurry, Angel's fingers dug in to her shoulders, gone was the tender touch of moments before.
"Angel, No!" She cried out in fear. Angel pulled his mouth away, he towered over her, eyes glowing amber, blood running down his chin. Cordelia shrank away from him.
"Uh uh, Cordy, Angelus. This is what you asked for, this is what you wanted." He growled and resumed feeding from her, Cordelia's sobbed until her world faded, then turned black.
Cordelia bolted upright in her bed, her heart beating wildly from the dream still raw in her mind. Over and over again she had woken like this, an ache between her thighs and a cold sweat on her back. She sighed, rubbing the tense muscles in her neck. Cordelia untangled her legs from the blanket and got out of bed, there was no way she was going to get back to sleep now, even though she was tired she found no comfort in sleep.
"Hey Dennis." Cordelia greeted her ever present invisible house mate when she felt his cold presence hovering behind her. "I'm fine." The seer told him before he got the chance to write the question down. "Everything is just fine and wonderful." Not even trying to sound convincing any more as she slumped down into a chair. Her gaze travelled around the darkened room, finally settling on a picture of herself and Angel in happier times, before everything had fallen apart. She laid her head on the table top, breathing in the musty wood scent, trying to erase everything that had happened.
"Everything is just fucking fantastic." The young woman lied to herself and her ghost, it was a lie that would help her get through the night.
***
Angel sat alone in his room, listening to the hushed voices of his friends down stairs, he knew they were worried about him, he saw the concerned looks and heard the whispered questions. He had been back from oblivion for two weeks but had barely spoken to any of them. The morning he came back, that terrible morning when nothing had seemed real, they'd all rushed to the hotel, to him.
Even with the soft voices floating to him from downstairs Angel felt desperately alone, he had lived a long and solitary life but in this moment, even with the people he loved so close at hand, Angel felt like the last man on the earth. When Cordelia had left that morning so many days ago he hadn't cared if he'd never saw her again, his pain was a bitter pill he could not swallow, as the days passed he still seethed at her betrayal and raged at her actions but a new ache was forming inside his chest.
He missed her.
***
Fred watched the people she had come to call her family milling about the lobby of the Hyperion Hotel, two weeks after the banishment of Angelus tension was still thick with in the group. Gunn was avoiding Angel, Fred was avoiding Gunn, Wesley was keeping himself to himself and Angel was avoiding everyone. Yet they were here trying to rebuild their business and relationships. All apart from Cordelia. The petite Texan knew something had happened but no one but the vampire and the seer knew what it was and they weren't willing to share.
Fred missed her friend desperately, she had been to her apartment and called numerous times but the seer always had an excuse for not talking to her, for not coming to work. The longest conversations they had were when Cordelia rang them with details of a vision, but they were few and far between and even then Cordelia only gave the basic facts that were needed. Angel wasn't much better, today was the first day he really came out of his room to spend any time with them, Fred guessed that this is what he was like when he first moved to LA, sitting alone in the dark, wearing his guilt and pain like an amour.
"Fred, did you maybe want to go get some thing to eat tonight?" Gunn asked his girlfriend tentatively. Fred knew he was trying to mend the broken bridges in their relationship and she appreciated it, but she wasn't sure if they even had a relationship to mend anymore.
"I um...I don't know Charles, maybe another night." Fred told the young black man, she watched his face drop and felt like she'd just kicked a puppy.
"Sure, whatever." Gunn mumbled from his seat opposite her. Fred sighed and returned to trying to decipher Cordelia's computer password. She had tried every word, combination of letters and numbers that she could think of but the files they needed were still buried away out of her reach. Why can't I figure this out? Fred asked herself. Then it came to her, she was thinking too much like a scientist and not enough like Cordelia. She typed in five little letters, the computer came to life.
"Angel!" Fred whooped happily, the joyous noise sounded foreign in the subdued hotel.
"Mmm?" Angel looked up from the book he was pretending to read.
"Oh, umm, no. Sorry Angel, I just, um, Cordelia's password, it was.... Angel." Fred bumbled, "I'll just get back..." She quickly turned her attention back to the computer screen, scolding herself for using the C word. Over the last two weeks it had become an unwritten rule that no one mentioned Cordelia's name in front of the vampire, they decided that after they saw Angel's eyes flicker yellow at the word. Fred hated this, she hated the tension and she hated the divides that were growing between them all.
"Ummm Gunn, I think.......dinner tonight sounds good." Fred whispered to him changing her mind, a hopeful smile gracing her lips. Gunn never got the chance to answer as the front doors crashed open loudly.
"Cordelia!" Fred jumped up and ran towards the young woman, Cordelia didn't see her though, so intent on her target that everything else faded away.
"You told Buffy!" Cordelia shouted at the vampire as she marched up to him. "Why the hell did you tell her of all people?! Did you tell her to ring me and lecture me?!"
Angel stood up, his face a mask covering his emotions. He noted her tired and drawn appearance, of course she looked as immaculate as ever, she was Cordelia Chase after all, but she looked older then her years. His seer stood with her hands on her hips, fire in her eyes, waiting for an explanation. God I miss this woman, Angel thought. He pushed his feelings down inside himself, remembering what she had done with Angelus.
"She's my friend, I'll tell Buffy whatever I want Cordelia." Angel dismissed her but she didn't back down.
"Bull shit, you and Buffy aren't friends, you were telling tales on me. What happens between us is none of the Slayers business!" Cordelia hissed at him. Wesley, Gunn and Fred stood together watching the seer and her champion tearing each other apart, Fred felt Gunn's strong hand lace through hers.
"C'mon guys.." Wesley tried to calm the angry lovers down only to be rewarded with a cold hard stare from Angel.
"Stay out of this Wesley." Angel snapped at the Englishman, Wesley recoiled slightly, moving behind Fred for protection.
"Don't talk to Wesley like that, you should be worshipping the ground that man walks on, if it weren't for him you'd still be Angelus." Cordelia stepped towards him, her heels making a deadly clack on the ground.
"And I bet that just bugs the hell out of you." Angel hissed spitefully. Cordelia blinked at Angel's vicious tone, she realised he didn't understand at all, even after everything she had told him the morning he returned to them.
"It's not...you don't..." Cordelia struggled, she felt the questioning eyes of the people she loved on her, all asking her the same thing, What did you do? "I'm not going to do this here." Cordelia said finally, she couldn't bare for her dear friends to see them like this.
"What? Don't you want them to know what you did? Are you ashamed, scared of what they might say?" Angel threatened, a scowl twisting his beautiful face.
"Angel, don't." Cordelia warned him, she felt her skin begin to flush in embarrassment, tears pricking at her eyes. Please don't please don't please don't, she repeated to herself over and over again, a prayer offered to any deity that hadn't abandoned her.
"Don't you want them to know how you made yourself Angelus' whore?" Angel snarled. Somewhere outside of herself she heard Fred's gasp of shock. Cordelia slapped Angel hard across the face, the palm of her hand stung, what little dignity she had left vanished.
Angel wiped away the blood she'd drawn from his bottom lip, instantly regretting what he'd said. He looked at the woman he loved, she was trembling with rage, her eyes fixed angrily on him, a shadow of the person she once was. Angel had done this to her and he hated himself for it. Cordelia stepped backwards uncertainly, she needed to get out of the hotel, get far away from there.
"Cordelia..." Angel stepped towards her, his hand outstretched in apology. She looked over at her friends seeing pity in their eyes. Cordelia pulled her gaze away from them, shame flooding her, making her feel nauseous.
"How long are you going to keep on punishing me for this Angel?" The seer stared at him, the pain in her eyes made Angel's heart cry out to her. The vampire took another step toward her, trying to bridge the gap between them.
"I have to...I have to go." Cordelia mumbled, walking backwards to the door. She took one last look at her friends, when they wouldn't meet her gaze Cordelia turned around and left the hotel.
***
Dennis watched his only friend running around the apartment, throwing clothes in to a bag as she went. He had never wanted to be alive more than he did at this moment. He wanted to hold Cordelia, tell he everything would be OK, soothe her demons. Dennis had watched her slowly fall apart over the last few months and there was nothing he could do. He couldn't even stop Angelus that night, something he would never forgive himself for.
Cordelia ignored the incessant knocking on the front door, she heard Fred's sweet voice drifting through the wood, begging her to open up. The seer turned up her stereo, trying to drown out the world. The door swung open and the music stopped, Cordelia cursed at her interfering ghost.
"Cordelia, what are you doing?" Fred demanded as she walked in, seeing the messy bag of belongings on the table. Cordelia carried on pretending the other woman wasn't there, she pulled her long dark hair up into a ponytail then thought better of it when she saw Angelus' mark.
"Are you leaving?" Fred said, Cordelia faltered at the smaller woman's worried tone. She took the seers silence as a yes.
"Where are you going?"
"England. I'm seeing an old friend." Cordelia told her flatly, Fred saw the half empty bottle of vodka on the table top.
"Why?"
"Because I am." She zipped up her bag and checked she had her passport.
"Cordelia can you just stop a minute and talk to me please!" Fred shouted at her, surprising Cordelia, she'd never heard the little Texan shout like that before. Cordelia put down her bag and poured her friend a small glass of vodka, she slid it across the table towards Fred and sat down. "How much of that have you had?"
"Not nearly enough." Cordelia gulped down the clear alcohol from the bottle, she didn't flinch as it burnt her throat. Fred watched her, she'd never seen Cordelia act like this before, it frightened her.
"God Cordy, what happened?" Fred asked her, her confusion and concern written all over her face. Cordelia shook her head, she couldn't bring herself to look at this sweet girl, she couldn't bare to see the disgust in her friends eyes. The seer put her head in her hands and leant on the table, the large ammount of vodka in her system suddenly kicking in, making the room spin around her.
"I missed him so much...I never meant to...." Cordelia trailed off, unsure of what she was trying to say. "Angelus wasn't...it didn't mean anything..." She looked at Fred pleadingly, "Angel gave up his soul, he just left us....he left me Fred and I hurt so bad and Angelus was...he was there. I can't stay, we'll just keep on hurting each other, I won't do that to Angel, I'm not....I don't intend on coming back. " Cordelia felt hot tears running down her cheeks, she hadn't even realised she was crying. She felt Fred's hand settle over her own, the first gentle touch of comfort she had felt in weeks. Her tears fell harder.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Fred asked her dear friend softly.
"I couldn't." Cordelia wiped her eyes roughly, trying to pull herself together.
"You should have...."
"Well I should of done a lot of things that I didn't."Cordelia snapped at Fred, her alcohol induced mood changing suddenly. The seer stood up sharply, she snatched the bottle off the table and took it with her in to the bathroom. Cordelia sat down on the side of the tub and with a shaking hand drank the vodka, she was tired of crying, it felt like all she had done of late was cry and feel sorry for herself. That wasn't the Queen C her mother raised. She heard Fred speaking quietly and guessed she was on the phone, probably telling the world Cordelia Chase is falling apart, she thought to herself. She splashed a little cold water on her face then shakily reapplied her mascara. It was time for her to go.
"My flight leaves soon." Cordelia told Fred as she walked out of the bathroom and picked up her bags.
"You can't.....Cordelia your drunk!"
"I'm fine." She pulled on her leather jacket, stumbling slightly at the movement.
"Please Cordy, just...just wait!" Fred scrambled in front of her trying to block her path. She didn't know what to do, Gunn had told her to just keep her there and he and Wesley would be there as soon as possible but Fred wasn't a very good barrier. Cordelia dodged her easily, even when highly inebriated the seer had the reflexes of a cat, she thanked the Sunnydale High-school cheer leading squad for that. She was out of the door and into the street before the little Texan could stop her.
"CORDELIA!!!" Fred shrieked.
The seer never saw the car that hit her.
***
Angel ran blindly through the crowded hospital not noticing the people that he pushed out of his way. A sea of faces swam before him, he couldn't focus on anything properly, there were too many people here, too many people in his way. He needed everything to stop, he needed to think, make sense of what had happened. That's when he saw her from across the corridor, her broken body laying still in a dim room surrounded by machines. Angel stopped, frozen in fear. She's dead, was the only thought in his brain.
The vampire barrelled towards the room, terror as sharp as ice pricking at his skin. Angel was stopped before he could enter, he spun around, ready to bite the head off of the fool that was stopping him.
"You can't go in there Sir." A slight, red-haired nurse told him in no uncertain terms, pulling him away by his arm.
"I'm her husband." Angel growled at her, easily tugging out of her grasp and entering Cordelia's room. Angel stared at the woman he loved, his heart tearing in two at the sight before him. There was an angry bruise spreading across the left side of her face and a thick bandage covering her forehead. He saw her chest rising and falling softly, he felt relief flood through him and steadied himself against the wall. She was alive.
"It looks a lot worse than it is." The nurse said from behind him. "Your wife has a few bruised ribs, a fractured wrist and a sprained ankle, she's a very lucky woman. The drip is so she doesn't get dehydrated, she has a lot of alcohol in her system Mr Chase. Your wife is going to have one hell of a hangover when she wakes up."
Angel heard the door shut as the nurse left, he sat on the plastic chair next to her bed and took Cordelia's hand in his. The vampire felt her squeeze his hand instinctively in her sleep, something Cordelia had always done when they had laid together at night, spent from passion. Angel kissed the slender fingers encased in his own, the last three and a half months of pain and misery washed over Angel, the grief of what they had lost choking him. The vampire laid his head down on to the starched white hospital bed and cried.
***
"Angel, how is she?" Wesley asked him as he came out of Cordelia's room an hour later. Angel ran his hands tiredly through his hair and sat down opposite his three friends.
"She's still sleeping. Fred, what happened?" Angel asked.
"She was leaving, Angel I tried to stop her but I couldn't, she just wouldn't listen!" Fred looked like she was about to cry.
"It's OK Fred, I know how stubborn Cordelia can be, it's not your fault." He told her honestly. "Did she say where she was going?"
"To stay with an old friend in England. I didn't know Cordy knew anyone there."
"She must have meant Giles, we should probably let him know what's happened." Wesley said but didn't make a move from his seat. He was still in a little shock from seeing Cordelia's unconscious body being wheeled in to the back of an ambulance just as he and Gunn had arrived at her apartment.
"The librarian from her High-school? Why would she go stay with him?" Fred wondered out loud.
"Because Giles use to be a lot more than just Cordelia's librarian." Angel muttered jealously.
"Huh?....Oh!" Fred's face flamed red when she figured out what he meant.
"Do you know how long she was planning on being in England?" Angel asked, trying to put everything together in his head.
"I don't think she was going to come back." Fred frowned. She felt Gunn's strong arms capture her around her waist, pulling her closer to him. Fred leant back and rested her head on his chest, she listened to the soft thud of his heart and realised how much she missed being close to him.
"I can't believe she was just going to leave like that." Angel said in disbelief.
"Well you can hardly blame her." Gunn spoke up, unable to hold his tongue any longer.
"Charles don't, now isn't the time." Fred said to her boyfriend.
"You got something to say to me Gunn?" Angel bristled.
"It's your fault Barbie's in here, if you hadn't unleashed Angelus then none of this would have happened." Gunn accused him bitterly. Wesley and Fred lowered their eyes to the floor, the physicist moved away from her boyfriend feeling a fight brewing between the men.
"I didn't have a choice, they had my son!" The vampire barked at the young man causing several people to stare at the group.
"We would have got Connor back Angel, we would have found a way. You should have come to us."
"So it makes what Cordelia did OK?" Angel shot out of his seat and bellowed incredulously.
"I'm not saying that Angel, what she did was wrong and stupid but...the woman was hurting and angry. She wasn't thinking straight!" Gunn stood up and defended his friend.
"You should have stopped her!"
"If we knew what she was doing don't you think we would have tried! You should have never given up your soul! This is your fault man!" Gunn pushed the vampire angrily, contempt scorching his dark eyes. Angel felt the features on his face ripple, his demon rattling near the surface.
"Back off Gunn before I do something you're going to regret." Angel growled in his face.
"Are you threatening me vampire?" The young man didn't back down.
"Sit down boy." The vampire snarled. The two glared at each other, neither willing to concede defeat to the other.
"If you two have quite finished your pissing contest could you both sit down and shut the hell up!" Fred shouted at them both. Wesley chuckled at the astonished expressions on the two men's faces, God bless little Fred, he said to himself. Angel and Gunn slumped down in to their chairs, sulking and shooting evil looks at each other. "This is so not the time for you two to be screaming at each other, save it for when we get home." She hissed at them, her face blushing when she realised people were looking at her. "Now, I'm going to go see Cordy, do you think you two could try not to kill each other in the five minutes that I'm gone?" She raised her eyebrows expectantly at them. "Honestly, men." Fred sighed and left shaking her head.
***
"This is the second time today I've caught you running out on us." Fred said to Cordelia when she walked in to her room, the seer was struggling out of bed, her arm cradling her side. Cordelia looked up like a deer caught in the head lights when she heard her friend come in, her head span sickly from all the movement. Fred rushed to her when the seer lost her balance and helped her back on the bed.
"I wasn't running, I was shuffling very very slowly." Cordelia winced at the pain in her head. Fred tucked Cordelia's straggly hair behind her ear, a sad smile on her face.
"How are you feeling?" Fred asked her.
"Like I've been hit by a huge vodka bottle on wheels." Cordelia shifted uncomfortably, her ribs aching painfully whenever she breathed.
"Have you spoken to the doctor?"
"Yeah, apparently I got off lightly, could have been worse, I'm not exactly sure how though. Fred...I'm really sorry, I shouldn't have dashed off like an idiot." Cordelia apologised to her friend.
"Ssh Cordy, it's OK, just never ever do it again." Fred tried to soothe her.
"I've really messed things up haven't I?" Cordelia leant against the smaller woman wearily.
"Nooo." Fred said unconvincingly.
"Liar." Cordelia chuckled holding her side, her mood soured when she felt the stabbing pain in her side. "When can I get out of here?"
"I think Angel's talking to the Doctor now."
Cordelia squinted through the blinds trying to catch sight of the vampire, she wasn't sure if she could face seeing him right now. But the decision was taken out of her hands when Angel entered the room with the doctor.
"Mrs Chase, you can go home in a little while, we're satisfied that there were no head or spine injuries, but you're going to have to take it easy for a while. And you might want to hold back on the booze." The Doctor looked at her disapprovingly.
"OK, thank you Doctor." Cordelia said to the Doctors back as he hurried out already thinking about the other ten patients he was looking after. "Mrs Chase? Did I get married and no one told me about it?" She asked Fred confused
"It was the only way I could get in to see you." Angel said from the corner he had taken up residence in. If Angel were being truthful he would have said that he hadn't even realised that he'd told the nurse he was Cordelia's husband, he'd just said it instinctively as though it were the truth.
"Oh." Was all Cordelia could think of saying. Fred shifted her gaze between the seer and the vampire, noting their discomfort. She was getting really tired of all this crap.
"Umm Fred, could you get Gunn to give me a ride home?" Cordelia asked Fred. Fred was about to answer her when Angel spoke up again.
"You're coming home with me." Angel ordered her.
"I don't think so. I can look after myself." Cordelia scooted off the bed defiantly, wincing when she tried to pick up her clothes that Fred had brought in for her. She straightened herself and tried to catch her breath, which would have been fine if her ribs were screaming at her.
"Yeah, your not struggling at all." Angel rolled his eyes at the wounded woman's stubbornness, "Don't fight me on this woman, your staying with me. I'll sort out the paper work, Fred help her change." Angel stalked out of the room in search of a nurse.
"This is a really bad idea." Cordelia grumbled as she struggled out of the flimsy hospital gown. Fred couldn't help but notice how much weight she had lost, she had always been a little jealous of Cordelia's hour glass figure and it pained her to see the seer as she was now, stick thin, bruised and battered. Fred would never forgive herself for not seeing what Cordelia was going through for all those months.
"Well Cordy honey, I don't think you have a choice." Fred helped her to slowly get dressed. And maybe that's a good thing, she silently added.
***
Angel walked ahead of the group as they entered the hotel, his shoulders were hunched and his brow was set in a near permanent scowl as he carried Cordelia's bag upstairs and to his room. Angel was angry, angrier than he had been before. He was so mad at himself, at Cordelia, Wesley, Gunn and Fred that he could spit. What the hell happened to us? He asked himself. Angel threw the small bag on to his bed then went around picking up the clothes that were strewn around the room. The place was a mess, he'd been living like a fifteen year old boy ever since his soul had been returned, what was the point of keeping a clean house when the woman he loved had betrayed him? He stopped himself when that thought entered his head. Angel knew he had to stop doing this, he had to get past what had happened, it was killing them all. The vampire realised he was part of the problem and it was time he took some responsibility for it. Angel had almost lost the most important person in his world this evening, it put the last few months in perspective. He lost her once to the powers, he refused to lose her this time because of his own bullheadedness.
"Cordelia are you hungry?" Angel asked her as he joined the group in the lobby.
"No..not really." She said so quietly even Angel had to strain to hear her.
"Well you should eat something anyway." Angel said.
"Really Angel, I'm fine. Look, I'll be OK back at my place, I have Dennis to look after me and Fred can stay with me for a while, right Fred?" Cordelia looked at her pleadingly, Fred said nothing, she was staying well out of this.
"For the last time, you're staying here." He put his foot down. The telephone ringing loudly stopped Cordelia from arguing any further. Wesley rushed to get it, desperate for the distraction.
"Angel Investigations, we are the hopeless." The English man sighed into the phone.
"Interesting slogan you've got there." Rupert Giles greeted Wesley from the other end of the phone.
"Giles, good to hear from you. I take it you got my message then?"
"Yeah....how is she?"
"I'll let her tell you." Wesley handed the phone over to the tired brunette who'd made her way to the phone when she heard Giles' name mentioned.
"Rupert?" Cordelia said, her voice cracking slightly. Fred saw Angel's back tense up at the way the seer had said the other mans name. She realised there was a lot she didn't know about Cordelia's past.
"Cordelia, how are you feeling?" Giles asked her softly.
"Like crap. I missed my flight." She heard the older man chuckling at her obvious statement. "As soon as I can tie my own shoe laces I plan on coming over, that is if I'm still welcome?" Wesley, Gunn and Fred all looked at Angel when they heard this but his back was still facing them. Wesley saw a muscle twitch in the vampires neck.
"You can come here when ever you want, you know that. Just take it easy for a while, let your friends look after you. Are you staying with Angel?" Giles asked her.
"Apparently." She muttered unhappily.
"Good. Talk to each other Cordy, get it sorted. He loves you, y'know." Giles said. They quietly said their goodbyes and ended the call. When Cordelia rejoined her friends she smiled at the way they were all pretending that they hadn't been listening to her conversation.
"Giles says hi." Cordelia told Angel.
"Angel why is your eye twitching?" Fred asked the tense vampire.
"It's not." He slapped his hand against his eye "I'll run you a bath Cordelia." Angel decided so he wouldn't have to sit and listen to Cordelia talk about her old boyfriend, he wasn't sure his eye could take it. Cordelia watched him stomp up the stairs and prayed that what Giles had told her was true, that after everything that had happened Angel did still love her.
***
Cordelia could smell roses as she entered the vampires bedroom, she saw her bag on the bed and the towels that were laid out for her and realised that Angel must intend for her to stay in his room. The floral scent became stronger when she neared the bathroom, she was greeted with one of the sweetest sights she had ever seen, Angel with his shirt sleeves rolled up his strong arms running her a bath, the steam from the hot water swirling around the room and settling on his cool skin.
"Thank you Angel." She said from behind him.
"Can you manage?" Angel asked her as he wiped his wet hands on a towel.
"I'll be fine." Cordelia smiled at him in appreciation. When Angel had left and the door was closed Cordelia sat on the toilet lid and tried to take off her shoes. "GAH!" She exclaimed when her mangled side took her breath away. "Goddamn it." She whimpered and started to cry quietly, what she had been through finally catching up with her. Angel heard her misery and went back into the bathroom. Without saying a word he knelt down in front of her and untied her shoes and slipped them off. He looked at the shattered woman in front of him, he gently brushed her tears away with his thumb, Cordelia closed her eyes and leant into his hand.
"Stand up Cordy." Angel told her quietly, his deep voice calming her. She wobbled to her feet and let the vampire remove her clothes, feeling no embarrassment at the intimate act.
"You haven't called me Cordy in a while."
"No I...I guess I haven't." Angel's brow creased in concentration as he studied the dark bruises across her chest and ribs, her skin was a landscape of black and blue, he knew that if it weren't for her demon DNA her injuries would have been much worse. He thanked the powers for that. Angel wordlessly helped her into the hot bath, making sure not to let her bandaged wrist get wet. Cordelia laid back and let out a contented sigh.
"Angel, can you...can you stay?" The seer asked him when she realised he was getting ready to leave the room. He faltered for a moment then sat down next to the tub, he could deny her nothing right now.
"So you still plan on going to England then?" Angel asked, trying not to stare at her breasts, even after everything that had happened and the poor physical shape Cordelia was in, he still wanted her, he was a manpire after all.
"I am."
"To stay with Giles." Angel said it more of a statement of fact than a question, Cordelia noticed the little flicker at the corner of his eye. She had to stop herself from laughing.
"You know Rupert and I are just friends Angel." She said, reading his mind.
"Doesn't mean I have to like it." Angel muttered like a petulant child.
"You were never bothered about me seeing Rupert before." Cordelia raised her eyebrows at him, noting the sharp pain in her forehead at the action. Is there any part of me that doesn't hurt she wondered.
"Yes I was, I just hid it better." Angel smiled at her, it was the first smile they shared in weeks. "So, how's your head?" He changed the subject.
"Sore like the rest of me. Can you help me take this ridiculous bandage off, all it needs is a band aid, I must have had an over enthusiastic nurse." Cordelia sat up, relaxing in Angel's presence. Angel carefully removed the dressing, revealing a cut about an inch and a half long, he could see that it was already starting to heal.
"Better?" He whispered, his voice husky, intoxicated by her presence.
"Mmmm." Cordelia moaned happily as Angel untied her hair and ran his fingers through it gently. She had missed this so much, the tender loved filled touches of the man she lived for. Cordelia wanted to close her eyes and keep them in this moment forever. She felt warm water trickling down her back and realised Angel was washing her hair. "Angel...you don't have to do this."
"I want to." Angel said. The only sounds heard in the small bathroom were Cordelia's shallow breathing and the splash of water. She hummed lightly when Angel shampooed her long dark hair, massaging away some of the pain of the last few months. Her eyes fluttered shut at the delicious feel of the water running down her spine. She was tired and the painkillers were starting to kick in making her feel light as a feather. Cordelia shifted her position, hissing sharply at the pain in her back, OK maybe not that light, she told herself.
"I'm sorry." Angel apologised, stopping his actions.
"It wasn't you, I just need to remember never to move." Cordelia shifted again awkwardly, finally finding a comfortable position.
"I meant about the deal I made with Lilah for my soul, I never should have...I should have spoken to you about it." Angel said as he washed the last of the soap out of her hair.
"Oh." Cordelia blinked, surprised by his apology. "Angel, you don't need to apologise."
"Yes, I do." He insisted. Cordelia laid back down into the bath and Angel knelt beside her, his hand in the bath tracing small circles on her hip. "I....I don't want you to go." He told her truthfully. Cordelia's heart lifted at his simple plea.
"I don't know if I can stay." Cordelia threaded her hand through his, rubbing her fingers over his strong callused hand. "I can't bare how much I've hurt you."
"Shh, we'll talk about it later."
"I'm so sorry Angel." Cordelia felt him squeeze her hand in understanding.
No more was said while he helped her out of the bath, carefully wrapping a towel around her naked body. His hand accidentally brushed the side of her breast, Cordelia could swear she saw the vampire blush. She snaked her arms around him tentatively, praying he wouldn't push her away, Angel didn't hesitate in returning the embrace and rested his chin on her head, a position they had both found comfort in time and time before. Angel finally pulled out of her hold realising she was half asleep in his arms. He laid her down gently on to the bed pulling the thick blanket over her.
"I missed you." Cordelia yawned just as she fell asleep.
"I missed you to." Angel kissed the sleeping woman's forehead. He pulled his leather chair over to the bed and sat down, content to watch her sleep. There were so many things they still had to talk about. They would scream and cry and curse at each other until they were insane, he didn't know if they could ever move on from this, if they could ever forgive each other for their actions. But there was one thing Angel was sure of as he sat watching Cordelia sleep. There was no way he was letting this woman go.
the end