So, now you are aware of how deep my guilt must run. I alone began
Raphael on the road to self-hatred. So many times over the years, I tried
to redirect him, to soothe his anger, but to no avail. What made matters
worse was, that in his anger he became reckless and unthinking when faced
with a difficult situation. I would often be forced to punish him for his
recklessness and this served only to push him further away. In
desperation, I directed Leonardo to take a hand in keeping Raphael out of
trouble; to be my eyes and ears while I was not with them and to be my
voice of reason. But this only created a wall between them. So, I have
that on my conscience as well. I alone began Raphael on this destructive
road. But I was not alone in fueling the fire.
Michaelangelo would tell me a story of an.outing he and Raphael took unbeknownst to me when they were in their early teens. Something Raphael had said to him afterwards struck him as odd, but he never mentioned it to me for fear of reprimand. It would only be years later that I would hear the tale.
Raphael had come to Michaelangelo one late night after everyone had gone to bed telling him of an extravagant party in the city that he saw on television. Raphael smiled. "Wanna go?"
Intrigued, Michaelangelo sat up in his bed. "How? I mean, it's after curfew. And what if someone sees us?"
"Splinter's asleep. We'll just have to be real quiet and sneak out." He lowered his voice. "And who cares if someone sees us. We'll wear disguises." He rummaged quietly in a trunk in the corner and started tossing clothing to Michaelangelo. Reluctantly (so he says) Michaelangelo started to dress. A thick wool hat on his head and a large shirt that came up to his chin. Over the years we had found these things and saved them for when my sons ventured above. With an overgrown pair of pants that just barely fit and a coat and gloves, they were both ready to go.
"Our faces our green," Michaelangelo said studying himself in a mirror.
Raphael shrugged. "Not much we can do about that. It'll be dark, but if anyone asks we'll just tell them we were sick."
"If we get caught I'm gonna kill you," Michaelangelo warned as Raphael checked out the bedroom door to make sure no one was there.
"If we get caught, you'll have to stand in line behind Splinter. Come on. Let's go."
So while I slept unaware, my sons ducked out of our lair and headed for the surface.
"Where are we gong?" Michaelangelo asked once they reached the streets.
Raphael pulled the collar of his jacket up a little. "To a hotel on Broadway."
Michaelangelo stopped. "Wait a second. A hotel isn't gonna be too dark, Raph. We'll get spotted for sure."
"It's a high school party, Mike," Raphael said with a sigh. "You've seen the kids who go to high school. They dress worse than this and look a whole lot weirder. We'll fit right in."
But Michaelangelo hesitated. "I dunno, Raph."
"Then go home. I don't give a shit. Be a freak all your life, but I'm taking my one chance to be normal." He stormed off and after only a moment, Michaelangelo followed.
However, when they got to the hotel, the party was not what they expected. There were teenagers, but they did not look odd. In fact, they were dressed in ball gowns and tuxedoes. My sons watched from an alley way as they arrived in fancy cars and some even in carriages.
Michaelangelo sighed. "Nah, Raph, we should fit right in. Dumb ass. We can't go in there!"
Raphael didn't say anything for a minute. He just watched the couples walk arm and arm into the hotel.
"Hello," Michaelangelo said. "Earth to Raphael." He waved a hand in front of his brother's face. They ducked back quickly as a carriage past them with two couples in it.
"That skylight should be so romantic, " one of the girls sighed and squeezed her companion.
Raphael grinned.
Twenty minutes later, the two of them were settled in on the roof of the hotel gazing into a ballroom through a skylight.
"Look at that one," Michaelangelo pointed. "The slit in her dress goes all the way to her neck."
Raphael laughed. "Don't know why she bothered to wear anything. Look over there. Is that her skin or a dress?"
"Green skin? Maybe she's one of us huh?"
Raphael gave him an odd look. "Yeah."
There was tense quiet for a minute. Uneasy, Michaelangelo said, "Wonder what's holding it on. Super glue, maybe?"
"Her boyfriend's hands it looks like," Raphael muttered.
They both grew silent as the lights dimmed and the girls leaned in to their partners. Most put their heads on the boys' shoulders. They all looked to be sharing some private, wonderful moment.
Michaelangelo told me he realized that they were witnessing something special that they would probably never experience. And from the look on Raphael's face, he realized the same thing. Instead of feeling normal, watching the party only reminded them just how not normal they really were.
"Let's go, Mike," Raphael said gruffly.
They turned to go when the door to the roof opened and a young man and his date for the evening walked out. Too stunned by what they had witnessed, neither of them moved.
"What the hell?" the young man said spying them. "What are you, some kind of perverts? Spying on people?"
Raphael gripped Michaelangelo's coat sleeve. "We were just leaving," he muttered pulling on his brother. They wanted to just get out there with as little a scene as possible. They walked past the young couple giving them as wide a berth as possible. But the angered boy reached out and grabbed the hat from Mike's head.
The girl screamed. "Oh my God! Scott, what is it?"
The boy tossed the hat to the ground as if it were going to bite him. "Some kind of fuckin' experiment gone wrong. Some kind of freaks."
The boy never saw it coming. Raphael kicked him in the stomach and when he bent over, punched him in the jaw. "Don't call me a freak!"
The girl screamed again as her date struggled to get to his feet.
Michaelangelo grabbed his brother and pulled him out the door. The whole while, they heard the girl screaming. "Someone help! Some horrible freaks just attacked my boyfriend!"
Neither of them said much on the way home. Once they were in front of the lair Raphael finally spoke. "I'm sorry, Mike."
Michaelangelo laughed quietly. "Tell me that if Splinter is up waiting for us."
Raphael looked away for a second. "I'm serious. I just thought---I just wanted to be something more for one night. More than something to be dissected and studied. " He sighed and pulled open the door. Michaelangelo followed him in.
It was fairly quiet for the rest of the night after they went to bed. Michaelangelo said he never knew if Raphael was awake. He never knew if Raphael could hear him crying for an hour afterwards.
Michaelangelo would tell me a story of an.outing he and Raphael took unbeknownst to me when they were in their early teens. Something Raphael had said to him afterwards struck him as odd, but he never mentioned it to me for fear of reprimand. It would only be years later that I would hear the tale.
Raphael had come to Michaelangelo one late night after everyone had gone to bed telling him of an extravagant party in the city that he saw on television. Raphael smiled. "Wanna go?"
Intrigued, Michaelangelo sat up in his bed. "How? I mean, it's after curfew. And what if someone sees us?"
"Splinter's asleep. We'll just have to be real quiet and sneak out." He lowered his voice. "And who cares if someone sees us. We'll wear disguises." He rummaged quietly in a trunk in the corner and started tossing clothing to Michaelangelo. Reluctantly (so he says) Michaelangelo started to dress. A thick wool hat on his head and a large shirt that came up to his chin. Over the years we had found these things and saved them for when my sons ventured above. With an overgrown pair of pants that just barely fit and a coat and gloves, they were both ready to go.
"Our faces our green," Michaelangelo said studying himself in a mirror.
Raphael shrugged. "Not much we can do about that. It'll be dark, but if anyone asks we'll just tell them we were sick."
"If we get caught I'm gonna kill you," Michaelangelo warned as Raphael checked out the bedroom door to make sure no one was there.
"If we get caught, you'll have to stand in line behind Splinter. Come on. Let's go."
So while I slept unaware, my sons ducked out of our lair and headed for the surface.
"Where are we gong?" Michaelangelo asked once they reached the streets.
Raphael pulled the collar of his jacket up a little. "To a hotel on Broadway."
Michaelangelo stopped. "Wait a second. A hotel isn't gonna be too dark, Raph. We'll get spotted for sure."
"It's a high school party, Mike," Raphael said with a sigh. "You've seen the kids who go to high school. They dress worse than this and look a whole lot weirder. We'll fit right in."
But Michaelangelo hesitated. "I dunno, Raph."
"Then go home. I don't give a shit. Be a freak all your life, but I'm taking my one chance to be normal." He stormed off and after only a moment, Michaelangelo followed.
However, when they got to the hotel, the party was not what they expected. There were teenagers, but they did not look odd. In fact, they were dressed in ball gowns and tuxedoes. My sons watched from an alley way as they arrived in fancy cars and some even in carriages.
Michaelangelo sighed. "Nah, Raph, we should fit right in. Dumb ass. We can't go in there!"
Raphael didn't say anything for a minute. He just watched the couples walk arm and arm into the hotel.
"Hello," Michaelangelo said. "Earth to Raphael." He waved a hand in front of his brother's face. They ducked back quickly as a carriage past them with two couples in it.
"That skylight should be so romantic, " one of the girls sighed and squeezed her companion.
Raphael grinned.
Twenty minutes later, the two of them were settled in on the roof of the hotel gazing into a ballroom through a skylight.
"Look at that one," Michaelangelo pointed. "The slit in her dress goes all the way to her neck."
Raphael laughed. "Don't know why she bothered to wear anything. Look over there. Is that her skin or a dress?"
"Green skin? Maybe she's one of us huh?"
Raphael gave him an odd look. "Yeah."
There was tense quiet for a minute. Uneasy, Michaelangelo said, "Wonder what's holding it on. Super glue, maybe?"
"Her boyfriend's hands it looks like," Raphael muttered.
They both grew silent as the lights dimmed and the girls leaned in to their partners. Most put their heads on the boys' shoulders. They all looked to be sharing some private, wonderful moment.
Michaelangelo told me he realized that they were witnessing something special that they would probably never experience. And from the look on Raphael's face, he realized the same thing. Instead of feeling normal, watching the party only reminded them just how not normal they really were.
"Let's go, Mike," Raphael said gruffly.
They turned to go when the door to the roof opened and a young man and his date for the evening walked out. Too stunned by what they had witnessed, neither of them moved.
"What the hell?" the young man said spying them. "What are you, some kind of perverts? Spying on people?"
Raphael gripped Michaelangelo's coat sleeve. "We were just leaving," he muttered pulling on his brother. They wanted to just get out there with as little a scene as possible. They walked past the young couple giving them as wide a berth as possible. But the angered boy reached out and grabbed the hat from Mike's head.
The girl screamed. "Oh my God! Scott, what is it?"
The boy tossed the hat to the ground as if it were going to bite him. "Some kind of fuckin' experiment gone wrong. Some kind of freaks."
The boy never saw it coming. Raphael kicked him in the stomach and when he bent over, punched him in the jaw. "Don't call me a freak!"
The girl screamed again as her date struggled to get to his feet.
Michaelangelo grabbed his brother and pulled him out the door. The whole while, they heard the girl screaming. "Someone help! Some horrible freaks just attacked my boyfriend!"
Neither of them said much on the way home. Once they were in front of the lair Raphael finally spoke. "I'm sorry, Mike."
Michaelangelo laughed quietly. "Tell me that if Splinter is up waiting for us."
Raphael looked away for a second. "I'm serious. I just thought---I just wanted to be something more for one night. More than something to be dissected and studied. " He sighed and pulled open the door. Michaelangelo followed him in.
It was fairly quiet for the rest of the night after they went to bed. Michaelangelo said he never knew if Raphael was awake. He never knew if Raphael could hear him crying for an hour afterwards.