"I'm in a state of confusion
I hope things aren't what they seem
If this is really happening
Just let me go back to dream
You're home.
Tell me I was dreaming
That you didn't leave me here to cry.
Tell me you didn't say good-bye"
(Travis Tritt "Tell Me I Was Dreaming)
I am saddened to say that things got progressively worse for Raphael over the next few years. I did what I could to channel his anger and self- loathing. But nothing helped him. My lectures made him sullen, my discipline made him resentful. Raphael's life became a roller coaster ride with extreme highs and extreme lows. I never forgave myself for throwing it in my son's face just how different he was. It was something that we all realized, but Raphael seemed driven to prove it wasn't true. He wanted to prove it to himself, but most of all I think he wanted to prove it to me. When I look back to that day, I think it would have been less traumatic for my son if I had beaten him bloody.
Before I continue, I want to make it clear that I alone take blame for the events that transpired ten years ago. I set the rage burning in Raphael's heart and then I could do nothing to extinguish it. I never wanted my shame to be known, but as I am nearing the end of my life it may give my remaining sons comfort to know that I too was fallible. My son! My beloved son! This is difficult for me, but I will tell you the tragic tale that ended in death of my son.
Ironically it began with love. The first love any of my sons have felt. At the age of eighteen, crushes on humans they happened to see was not a rarity. But this was real and genuine love. I knew it before he did. Raphael fell in love with the first human woman to offer them kindness. April O'Neil.
April accepted my sons and I as we were and asked for nothing but our friendship in return. She was a mother figure from the time we first met when they were only fifteen. They never knew, but I could hear them discussing her while they thought I was sleeping. Some of the things they said were a bit disconcerting considering the role she played in their lives. But then I realized Oedipus had a mother as well. It was only inevitable as they matured that one or all of them would develop some deeper feelings for April. She was a stunningly beautiful woman with a kind heart and a hard spirit. She was stubborn yet understanding and so it did not surprise me that it was Raphael who fell for her the hardest.
His crush was not a secret and he often took a great deal of abuse from his brothers over it. To make matters worse, Raphael held, for some unknown reason, a special place in April's heart as well. Perhaps she understood him better or perhaps she saw he was more in need of a woman's love than the others. Whatever the reason, they grew closer.
The introduction of Casey Jones into our lives did nothing to deter Raphael. It seemed as though Casey was a little friendly competition. Raphael wanted to prove in April's eyes that he was just as good as Casey and so he began to spend more time with him; taking out his anger and aggression on the slime of Manhattan. This was perhaps the most tranquil of times for Raphael. But that all changed.
Raphael was home for the evening. Leonardo and Donatello were about elsewhere in the lair and Michaelangelo had gone to visit April for the evening. I was spending rare alone time with my troubled son, watching a television program. The door slammed drawing our attention from the television. We turned to see Michaelangelo hanging up his coat looking a bit dejected. He shook his head trying to get rid of the excess water from the hard rain outside.
"You're home early, Mike," Raphael remarked. "April kick you out already?"
Michaelangelo sighed and sat next to Raphael on the couch.
"What is troubling you, Michaelangelo?" I asked worriedly.
Michaelangelo sighed again. "Nothing really, Master. Just that April and Casey are fighting again. And April gets really depressed. I couldn't do anything to cheer her up." He shrugged. "She said she just wanted to be alone."
Raphael leaned forward. "What are they fighting about?"
Michaelangelo shook his head. "I dunno. She just gets so upset and I hate that I can't make it better for her. Hey, where are you going?"
Raphael had stood up quickly and crossed the room to pull on his hat and coat. "Out," he said although it was obvious where he was headed "out" to. He opened the door.
"She said she wanted to be alone, Raph!" Mike called after him. But he was already gone. Michaelangelo looked at me worriedly. "Maybe I should go after him. I mean, I don't want him and Casey getting into it."
That concerned me a little. "Casey is never violent with April is he, My Son?"
"Oh no, Master," Michaelangelo said quickly. "He just raises his voice sometimes and I don't think Raph would be to thrilled with that."
By Raphael's account, Casey was not even there when he arrived. He climbed to her window using the fire escape, careful to avoid slipping in the rain. But he found April in tears in her bedroom.
He opened her window carefully. "April?"
April looked up and hastily wiped the tears from her eyes. "Raphael. What are you doing here?"
Raphael came into the window. "Mike told me you and Casey were fighting. Just wanted to make sure you were ok."
She sat up and smiled a little. "Yeah, I'm ok. You know how Casey is."
"Yeah," Raphael snorted. "He's an asshole."
"But that's part of his charm," April chuckled. She stood. "Can I get you anything? Soda? Beer?"
"Beer would be good." He followed April to the kitchen shedding his coat and hanging it on a chair. "What were you fighting about?"
April opened the refrigerator and pulled out a can of beer. "Nothing really. Just some girls insist on calling him and it gets on my nerves. Of course, he doesn't understand that." She leads him into the living room where they sit down on the couch.
Raphael took a swig of the beer and looked at her sharply. "He cheatin on you?"
"No, no I don't think so." She looked down at the couch and pulled at a loose string. "He says they're just people he works with."
"If it bugs you, he should tell them to stop calling, " Raphael said.
April looked up and laughed. "That would be the logical thing, but men, especially Casey, are never logical. No offense."
Raphael slammed his can on a table and stood up. "He's a stupid jerk then! Fuckin' idiot doesn't realize how good he has it."
April looked a little scared. "It's partially my fault too, Raph. I guess I shouldn't be so jealous."
Raphael shook his head. "It's not your fault, April. How can you even think that? That guy's such a loser he should kiss your feet every day just for having him."
"Raphael, I thought he was your friend."
Raphael spun to face her. "He is, but.he doesn't deserve you, April. You'd be better off with." He trails off and says almost silently. ".me."
"Oh, Raphael," April whispered.
Raphael's eyes widened in panic when he realized she had heard him. "I.I." He turned away from her, but jumped a little as April put her hands on his shoulders.
"Raphael," April said softly. "Don't be embarrassed. Please."
Raphael turned his eyes aimed at the floor. "I don't have to pretend with you, April. You've always let me be me." He looked up at her. "I..I love you."
April gasped, her face going white. "Raphael.I don't know.what to say."
Raphael gripped her wrists. "Just tell me that you care about me."
"I do, Raphael. I do care about you, but."
His face hardened and he tightened his grip.. "But what?"
"I.You're a good friend, Raphael. I just don't.I can't.." She winced as the pressure on her wrists was starting to hurt.
"Can't what? Can't love a mutant? A freak?"
April shook her head, tears welling up in her eyes. "No, Raphael. That's not what I meant You guys are like.like my brothers..like.."
"A brother?" Raphael spat. "You mean the ugly, deformed brother you keep locked in a room somewhere, right?"
"Of course not."
"You're no different than the rest of the fucking humans," Raphael growled.
April whimpered, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Raphael, you're hurting me."
Raphael looked down and saw that he was holding onto her so hard, her fingers were starting to turn blue. He dropped her hands and ran out the door colliding with Michaelangelo.
"What the hell.?" Michaelangelo began.
Crying, April said, "Go after him, Mike. Oh, God, I'm so sorry."
Raphael had made it to the streets and noticed Casey's truck parked along the side. He got in and located the spare set of keys under the dashboard. Michaelangelo jumped in the passenger's seat right after him.
"What are you doing?" Michaelangelo demanded.
Raphael ignored him and started the truck. He sped down the road.
"Raphael, what happened?" Mike asked clutching the seat as Raphael made a sharp turn.
Raphael slammed his hand into the steering wheel. "It's so fucking useless, Mike." He hit the breaks and took a corner fast. "We're never gonna be more than just freaks. Never! We're alone and we'll always be alone."
"Raphael, you don't know.watch out!!"
From the little Raphael could remember at the next corner, he did not slow down and went sharply around it. The rain made the roads quite slippery and the truck went into a skid. Michaelangelo grabbed the wheel as they spun out of control, but they hit a telephone pole head on. We will probably never know why Raphael survived and Michaelangelo did not, but bruised and bleeding, Raphael brought home the body of his dead brother.
We cremated my son and took his ashes to a small park where he played with his brothers when they were young. It had always been Michaelangelo's favorite place to write or to relax. Raphael did not leave that park for three days. If a human came close enough, he would hide, but I do not think it mattered much to him if he was discovered. He hid to protect the rest of us.
At the end of the third day, Raphael finally came home. He spoke very little and slept for most of the day. We all reassured him that he was not to blame, that it was an accident, but he did not care if we blamed him. He blamed himself. It took many years for Raphael to come to terms with Michaelangelo's death and the events changed him forever.
Despite the hurt Michaelangelo's death caused, we moved on. Slowly and painfully. I made so many mistakes and one cost Michaelangelo his life. I hope he will forgive me.
And now, here I am and I know I am not far away from joining my son in the afterlife. But I am proud of my sons. And I love them all.
The three turtles entered their master's room quietly and respectfully. The tears welled in their eyes as they knelt by his still form. They all bowed, their heads touching the floor.
"Good-bye, Father," Leonardo whispered raising his head.
Donatello looked up. "Thank you for everything, Master."
Raphael kept his head to the floor, a small blue journal clutched in his hands. He had found it the night before when they had first realized Splinter was dead. He had read the whole thing cover to cover all night long. Raphael finally looked up with tears sparkling in his eyes. "We love you too."
I am saddened to say that things got progressively worse for Raphael over the next few years. I did what I could to channel his anger and self- loathing. But nothing helped him. My lectures made him sullen, my discipline made him resentful. Raphael's life became a roller coaster ride with extreme highs and extreme lows. I never forgave myself for throwing it in my son's face just how different he was. It was something that we all realized, but Raphael seemed driven to prove it wasn't true. He wanted to prove it to himself, but most of all I think he wanted to prove it to me. When I look back to that day, I think it would have been less traumatic for my son if I had beaten him bloody.
Before I continue, I want to make it clear that I alone take blame for the events that transpired ten years ago. I set the rage burning in Raphael's heart and then I could do nothing to extinguish it. I never wanted my shame to be known, but as I am nearing the end of my life it may give my remaining sons comfort to know that I too was fallible. My son! My beloved son! This is difficult for me, but I will tell you the tragic tale that ended in death of my son.
Ironically it began with love. The first love any of my sons have felt. At the age of eighteen, crushes on humans they happened to see was not a rarity. But this was real and genuine love. I knew it before he did. Raphael fell in love with the first human woman to offer them kindness. April O'Neil.
April accepted my sons and I as we were and asked for nothing but our friendship in return. She was a mother figure from the time we first met when they were only fifteen. They never knew, but I could hear them discussing her while they thought I was sleeping. Some of the things they said were a bit disconcerting considering the role she played in their lives. But then I realized Oedipus had a mother as well. It was only inevitable as they matured that one or all of them would develop some deeper feelings for April. She was a stunningly beautiful woman with a kind heart and a hard spirit. She was stubborn yet understanding and so it did not surprise me that it was Raphael who fell for her the hardest.
His crush was not a secret and he often took a great deal of abuse from his brothers over it. To make matters worse, Raphael held, for some unknown reason, a special place in April's heart as well. Perhaps she understood him better or perhaps she saw he was more in need of a woman's love than the others. Whatever the reason, they grew closer.
The introduction of Casey Jones into our lives did nothing to deter Raphael. It seemed as though Casey was a little friendly competition. Raphael wanted to prove in April's eyes that he was just as good as Casey and so he began to spend more time with him; taking out his anger and aggression on the slime of Manhattan. This was perhaps the most tranquil of times for Raphael. But that all changed.
Raphael was home for the evening. Leonardo and Donatello were about elsewhere in the lair and Michaelangelo had gone to visit April for the evening. I was spending rare alone time with my troubled son, watching a television program. The door slammed drawing our attention from the television. We turned to see Michaelangelo hanging up his coat looking a bit dejected. He shook his head trying to get rid of the excess water from the hard rain outside.
"You're home early, Mike," Raphael remarked. "April kick you out already?"
Michaelangelo sighed and sat next to Raphael on the couch.
"What is troubling you, Michaelangelo?" I asked worriedly.
Michaelangelo sighed again. "Nothing really, Master. Just that April and Casey are fighting again. And April gets really depressed. I couldn't do anything to cheer her up." He shrugged. "She said she just wanted to be alone."
Raphael leaned forward. "What are they fighting about?"
Michaelangelo shook his head. "I dunno. She just gets so upset and I hate that I can't make it better for her. Hey, where are you going?"
Raphael had stood up quickly and crossed the room to pull on his hat and coat. "Out," he said although it was obvious where he was headed "out" to. He opened the door.
"She said she wanted to be alone, Raph!" Mike called after him. But he was already gone. Michaelangelo looked at me worriedly. "Maybe I should go after him. I mean, I don't want him and Casey getting into it."
That concerned me a little. "Casey is never violent with April is he, My Son?"
"Oh no, Master," Michaelangelo said quickly. "He just raises his voice sometimes and I don't think Raph would be to thrilled with that."
By Raphael's account, Casey was not even there when he arrived. He climbed to her window using the fire escape, careful to avoid slipping in the rain. But he found April in tears in her bedroom.
He opened her window carefully. "April?"
April looked up and hastily wiped the tears from her eyes. "Raphael. What are you doing here?"
Raphael came into the window. "Mike told me you and Casey were fighting. Just wanted to make sure you were ok."
She sat up and smiled a little. "Yeah, I'm ok. You know how Casey is."
"Yeah," Raphael snorted. "He's an asshole."
"But that's part of his charm," April chuckled. She stood. "Can I get you anything? Soda? Beer?"
"Beer would be good." He followed April to the kitchen shedding his coat and hanging it on a chair. "What were you fighting about?"
April opened the refrigerator and pulled out a can of beer. "Nothing really. Just some girls insist on calling him and it gets on my nerves. Of course, he doesn't understand that." She leads him into the living room where they sit down on the couch.
Raphael took a swig of the beer and looked at her sharply. "He cheatin on you?"
"No, no I don't think so." She looked down at the couch and pulled at a loose string. "He says they're just people he works with."
"If it bugs you, he should tell them to stop calling, " Raphael said.
April looked up and laughed. "That would be the logical thing, but men, especially Casey, are never logical. No offense."
Raphael slammed his can on a table and stood up. "He's a stupid jerk then! Fuckin' idiot doesn't realize how good he has it."
April looked a little scared. "It's partially my fault too, Raph. I guess I shouldn't be so jealous."
Raphael shook his head. "It's not your fault, April. How can you even think that? That guy's such a loser he should kiss your feet every day just for having him."
"Raphael, I thought he was your friend."
Raphael spun to face her. "He is, but.he doesn't deserve you, April. You'd be better off with." He trails off and says almost silently. ".me."
"Oh, Raphael," April whispered.
Raphael's eyes widened in panic when he realized she had heard him. "I.I." He turned away from her, but jumped a little as April put her hands on his shoulders.
"Raphael," April said softly. "Don't be embarrassed. Please."
Raphael turned his eyes aimed at the floor. "I don't have to pretend with you, April. You've always let me be me." He looked up at her. "I..I love you."
April gasped, her face going white. "Raphael.I don't know.what to say."
Raphael gripped her wrists. "Just tell me that you care about me."
"I do, Raphael. I do care about you, but."
His face hardened and he tightened his grip.. "But what?"
"I.You're a good friend, Raphael. I just don't.I can't.." She winced as the pressure on her wrists was starting to hurt.
"Can't what? Can't love a mutant? A freak?"
April shook her head, tears welling up in her eyes. "No, Raphael. That's not what I meant You guys are like.like my brothers..like.."
"A brother?" Raphael spat. "You mean the ugly, deformed brother you keep locked in a room somewhere, right?"
"Of course not."
"You're no different than the rest of the fucking humans," Raphael growled.
April whimpered, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Raphael, you're hurting me."
Raphael looked down and saw that he was holding onto her so hard, her fingers were starting to turn blue. He dropped her hands and ran out the door colliding with Michaelangelo.
"What the hell.?" Michaelangelo began.
Crying, April said, "Go after him, Mike. Oh, God, I'm so sorry."
Raphael had made it to the streets and noticed Casey's truck parked along the side. He got in and located the spare set of keys under the dashboard. Michaelangelo jumped in the passenger's seat right after him.
"What are you doing?" Michaelangelo demanded.
Raphael ignored him and started the truck. He sped down the road.
"Raphael, what happened?" Mike asked clutching the seat as Raphael made a sharp turn.
Raphael slammed his hand into the steering wheel. "It's so fucking useless, Mike." He hit the breaks and took a corner fast. "We're never gonna be more than just freaks. Never! We're alone and we'll always be alone."
"Raphael, you don't know.watch out!!"
From the little Raphael could remember at the next corner, he did not slow down and went sharply around it. The rain made the roads quite slippery and the truck went into a skid. Michaelangelo grabbed the wheel as they spun out of control, but they hit a telephone pole head on. We will probably never know why Raphael survived and Michaelangelo did not, but bruised and bleeding, Raphael brought home the body of his dead brother.
We cremated my son and took his ashes to a small park where he played with his brothers when they were young. It had always been Michaelangelo's favorite place to write or to relax. Raphael did not leave that park for three days. If a human came close enough, he would hide, but I do not think it mattered much to him if he was discovered. He hid to protect the rest of us.
At the end of the third day, Raphael finally came home. He spoke very little and slept for most of the day. We all reassured him that he was not to blame, that it was an accident, but he did not care if we blamed him. He blamed himself. It took many years for Raphael to come to terms with Michaelangelo's death and the events changed him forever.
Despite the hurt Michaelangelo's death caused, we moved on. Slowly and painfully. I made so many mistakes and one cost Michaelangelo his life. I hope he will forgive me.
And now, here I am and I know I am not far away from joining my son in the afterlife. But I am proud of my sons. And I love them all.
The three turtles entered their master's room quietly and respectfully. The tears welled in their eyes as they knelt by his still form. They all bowed, their heads touching the floor.
"Good-bye, Father," Leonardo whispered raising his head.
Donatello looked up. "Thank you for everything, Master."
Raphael kept his head to the floor, a small blue journal clutched in his hands. He had found it the night before when they had first realized Splinter was dead. He had read the whole thing cover to cover all night long. Raphael finally looked up with tears sparkling in his eyes. "We love you too."