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KKC (Kile, Kuja, and Cloud)
by:
Kile Terro and animemaster
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animemaster wears a black Saija-jin fusion vest, blue jeans, has black Heero Yuy like hair, dragon wings under the vest, and a monkey tail and at the end of it it branches out to create two ends
Kile is sitting upon the stairs in his apartment building
Kile: I can't believe Kid's been evicted....over a little noise...
animemaster walks up behind him
animemaster: "Oh, God, Kile, yeaaah!!" isn't really a LITTLE noise...especially at 2:00 AM.
Kile: ONCE! THAT HAPPENED ONCE!!!! ........The rest were at 3:00....
animemaster: AM or PM?
Kile: Both...and FM and XM.
animemaster: ....
Kile: And on top of all this--
animemaster: What?
Kile: Let me finish, you twin tailed, mutated, monkey sniffing, winged pack of cow dung!
animemaster: ....Touche.
Kile: I'M gonna have to move out...
animemaster: Why the hell why?
Kile: I can't pay the bills!! *Cries*
animemaster: SNAP OUT OF IT, MAN!!!!!
animemaster hits him
Kile: ...I needed that....I'll kill you later...
animemaster: ....Yeah, yeah, yeah....I know....I know.
Kile: Maybe we should have, um, interviews for new roomates for me!
animemaster: We are NOT gonna start a new interviews fic for just this.
Kile: No, in this story! I'll put it in the paper--
animemaster: What? "Local idiot seeks concubine?"
Kile: Look, I've tried that before, and all I got was a transvestite hooker knocking on my front door. Took me half a dozen cannonball blasts to get rid of him...her? It?
animemaster: ...
SO IT BEGINS
Kile: Name?
Rei: ..............................Rei.
Kile: ....Why do you want to live here?
Rei: ........................................................................................................................................................................................................It's close to the strip club.
Kile: Hmm....Heheh..
Kile begins "sizing her up"
Rei: I'm a cook there, you pervert!
Kile: Ohh........Next, please.
NEXT
Kile: Name?
Quatre: Quatre!
Kile: No-no-no-no!!! No yaois!
Quatre cries and leaves
animemaster: You're no fun, you could've hung out with your own kind.
Kile: I can't when selecting good roomates--and did you just call me gay???!!!
animemaster: Took you this long to figure that out?!
Kile: Grr....
Someone walks in
???: Is this where you get interviewed for the roomate thing--KILE!!!
Kile: Huh? Oh, hey, man, what's up?
He sits down
Kuja: Nothing.
Kile: Why do you want to live here?
Kuja: ....It's....uh...(C'mon think!!!!)...uh...close to the bar?
Kile: BINGO!!! You're hired or whatever it is I should say!
animemaster: He has SUCH a wide vocabulary...
Kile: We still need ONE more....
animemaster: NEXT!!!!
Kenny walks in
Kile: YOU'RE IN!!!!
Kenny: MPH MPH!!!
Kile is outside
Kile: We have decided my roomates!
animemaster: God help us all.
Kile: Kuja!
Kuja: YEAH!
Kile: And......KENNY!!!
Kenny jumps out from behind Kile and does a victory dance
Kile: Go, Kenny, Go!!
Kenny does a backflip down a cliff at the end of his victory dance and hits numerous jagged, flesh searing rocks, at the bottom a giant condor swoops down and drives it's talons in Kenny's skull, picks him up and flies off into the sunset, Kenny hits SEVERAL telephone poles and then is dropped several miles away and at his drop point a mushroom cloud is seen and a large shock wave is felt
Eminem appears
Eminem: Mushroom cloud?
Eminem disappears
animemaster: That was new...
Kile: I wonder if I should have put that atomic bomb in Kenny's back pocket? Oh, well, at the least the Feds didn't find it. It may be a month or two longer before I get to live my greatest dream.
animemaster/Kuja: What?
Kile: Holdin' up a strip bar!
Kuja falls over anime style and animemaster strangles Kile like Homer Simpson
Kuja: Shouldn't you be dead already?
Kile: I'm...already dead! This doesn't even really hurt...
animemaster: Let's see if THIS hurts!
animemaster, while strangling him, kicks him in the balls
Kuja appears under a spotlight wearing a very comfortable announcer jacket and announcer shirt and holding a sportcasters microphone
Kuja: I don't care whether you're alive or dead; THAT HURTS!!! Isn't that right Jim? Jim? JIM, WHERE ARE YOU????
Kile gets out of animemaster's strangling grasp and lightly hits Kuja...although that is a knockout blow, and then goes back into animemaster's grasp
Kuja wakes up
Kuja: Looks like we need a new roomate.
The abuse ends
Kile reaches inside the apartment building and pulls Cloud out
Kile: Not now! Since Cloud's around!
animemaster: idontknowjack2000 is SO gonna have our asses for breakfast....Augh, look, I know you need to settle in, so....I'm gonna get as far away from here as I can.
The three go inside
Kuja: Kile?
Kile: Yeah?
Kuja: Why is there a white sticky mucus all over the walls and floor....and ceiling????
Kile: My girlfriend moved out and we wanted to at make our last experience enjoyable.
Cloud: So you f%^$ed on the walls, floor, and ceiling?
Kile (Half in tears): Yeah.
HALF AN HOUR LATER
Kuja is bringing in boxes
Kile: Just what are in these boxes?
Kuja: Porn. Lots and lots of porn.
Kile: .....Cool.
Cloud: CAN I SEE??????
Kuja: NO! ....Augh....And I'm a guy...
Cloud: .......Oh.
Cloud fixes his pants to where his masculinity won't show he's enticed
Kile: ...Uhhh........
They finish settling in
Kile: Now...down to business.
Kile flips the television onto the Sci-Fi Channel, lies down on the couch and falls asleep
Cloud: What's he doing?
Kuja: Kuja-Kuja thinks he's taking a nap.
Cloud hits Kuja
Cloud: WRONG FIC!!!!
Kuja: Ah.....Ohhhh.............
Kuja looks at the television
Kuja: I think I see something!
Cloud: It's called a T.V., they give images of all sorts of things...children's programming, anime, porn, anime porn.....
Kuja: I know what a T.V. is! But look!
Cloud: Whoa....SWEET!!!
A beautiful young girl is half seen in the screen
Kuja: Sexy girl not part of program.
The girl signals for Kuja to follow her
Kuja starts to walk over to the television then Cloud stops him
Cloud: No, man! What if it's a succubus?
Kuja doensn't hesitate and jumps into the television disappearing into it
Cloud: .....Maybe I shouldn't have said that.
Kile wakes up
Kile: *Yawn* What did I miss?
Cloud: Kuja was just taken by a succubus!
Kile: Lucky S.O.B..
Cloud: We gotta save him! He jumped inside the T.V.!
Kile: Screw it! He's dispensable.
Cloud: Uh...Uh....He took the porn with him......?
Kile: SWEET MERCIFUL GOD, NOT THE PORN!!!!
Kile jumps up and runs into another room
Cloud (Sarcastic): ....Hahh...Great.....Kuja's been abducted by a sex demoness and Kile's committing suicide probably....
Kile emerges in a thin purple turtleneck, purple pants, NO bandanna, and his anime glasses
Cloud: What the HELL'S with you?!
Kile: I must be prepared for espionage!
Cloud: ...Let's just go, "Plasma Snake."
Kile and Cloud enter the television
They emerge in the Sci-Fi Channel main database
Kile: DAMN!!! NO!!! My enemies!!! They've tricked me!!
Cloud: You mean Sci-Fi? I thought they were your friends.
Kile: They stropped showing the anime. Now I'm pissed!!!
Kile slices at everything with the Rakitora which he pulled out of nowhere
All goes black after Kile slices everything away
All that can be seen is their eyes
Cloud: Nice going, dumbass!
Kile: What?
Cloud: You've gotten us all killed!
Kile: Sure you don't mean "You've gotten us all Kiled?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
Cloud: Screw you!
Kile: I hold the key to your demise!
Cloud: The hell you do!
Kile: I'll prove it!
Kile jingles keys
Kile: Front door, back door--
Cloud: You don't have a back door!
Kile: My room, your room, Kuja's room, porn stash--Ah-Hah! Cloud's Demise!
Kile chases Cloud with the key
Cloud: You crazy BASTARD!!!
The light comes back on and they're in space...not on a ship but in space
Kile: SHIT!!!
Cloud: Look! I'm swimming!
Cloud is swimming in space
Kile: How're you breathing?
Cloud: You are.
Kile breathes in
Kile: You're right!
A ship flies by and causes them to spin around and fly offcourse
Kile: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cloud: .....What should I say? Oh. SHAI-HULUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A giant sandworm appears and devours Cloud
Kile stops flying away
Kile: Whuh-oh.
The sandworm swims in space singing its mating song
Sandworm: LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!! LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!! LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOOOOOOOOO-AAAHHHHRRRRR!!
Kile: Drowing Pool has taken over the un/iverse! Great Scott!! Whoever he is.
Kile flies toward the sadworm
Kile: Throw up my friend!!! He hasn't paid his part of the biiiillllsss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sandworm: Oh! Good day! Have you perchance seen a young lady around here?
Kile: ...A fruity sandworm.
Sandworm: Cherry!
Kile: Can I have my friend back?
Sandworm: Give me a minute.
Kile: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SMELL??????!!!!!!
Sandworm: You said you wanted him back. You didn't say how.
Cloud: You don't feel real low until you've been shat by a sandworm.
Kile: Shat? Shitted? Why are we discussing the pronounciation of a curse's past tense form?
Cloud: Feelings! Whoa-oh-oh feelings!
Kile: Come, Shifty Shat.
Cloud: Stinking like a...well...I don't know what.
Kile: Godzilla?
Sandworm: Yeeeeesssss?
Kile: Doko Arigato.
Sandworm: WHAT ABOUT MY MOTHER???!!!!
Kile: ARGH!
Cloud: Son of a--
Sandworm: MEESA SO PIIISSSEEEDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kile: Let's just get the hell outta here!
Cloud: Where is the hell?
Kile grabs Cloud's arm
Kile: Damn, you stink.
Cloud: I bet you say that to all the boys....
Kile: -_-' Screw you.
Cloud: Shai-Hulud did a good job of that!
Sandworm: Twas a bonny time!
Kile: Wait. I thought you were trying to kill us?
Sandworm: Oh, yeah! ROAR!!!
Cloud: You just HAD to get him started.
Kile and Cloud fly off
Kile: The things I do for porn!
They crash down on a barren desert planet
Kile: We're on Arrakis!
Cloud: Arrakis?
A sandworm appears and eats Kile
Kile (Inside its belly): SSHHIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cloud: No, Shai-Hulud!
Cloud slaps the sandworm on the head and it coughs up Kile
Kile: ....
People with deep blue within light blue eyes appear
Guy 1: He attacks Gods.
Guy 2: And wins.
They carry off Cloud
Kile: Son of a--
Kile follows
They enter a cavern
Kile: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! Death by stalactites!
Cloud: Will you calm down?
Kile: How can I calm down when monkeys have taken Japan and raised the price of sushi???!!!
Cloud: Shut up!
Kile looks at the natives
Kile: FREMEN!!! Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee--
2 hours later
Kile: --eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!!!!
Cloud: Congrats, Kile, you've officially made an ass of yourself to fifth world people.
Kile: Colin Powell gonna bomb-a his home.
Fremen 1: Feelings...nothing more than feelings.
Cloud: What do you plan on doing with me.
Fremen 2: We plan on making you the Naib, having you die in a meaningless battle, then drain the last drop of moisture from your body, then publishing a book about it!
Kile: Lucky...
The current Naib runs in
Naib: The Canadians are coming!! The Canadians are coming!!
A Fremen kills him
Fremen 3: Now you are Naib, Cloud.
Cloud: No, thanks, I'm full.
The dead Naib ressurects himself
Naib: Alright, bye.
Naib leaves
Kile: GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDFFFFFFFFFFAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cloud: Why did you scream "Grandfather?"
Kile: Why do you wear purple?
Cloud: It makes me all warm and squishy inside....
All is dark and all that can be seen is Kile and Cloud's eyes
Kile: I'm scared!
Cloud: LET GO OF ME!!!
Kile: ...That's...not me...
Cloud: Huh???
BOTH: *GULP*
The lights come back on and they are in the girl's bath in the Masaki Household with Sasami clutching Cloud
All the girls rush to Cloud
Kile: ..... -_-
Ryo-Ohki lies down on Kile's head
Kile: RYO-OHKI!!! ^_^
Ryo-Ohki: MYAO! MYAO!
Cloud: ....Who's hands are in my pants?
Kile: Uh..
Kile looks over at Cloud
Kile: The better question would be "Who's hands AREN'T in your pants?"
Cloud: SASAMI!!! Stop that!!!
The lights go out again
Kile: Feelings...nothing more than fee--
Cloud: WILL YOU SHUT UP?????!!!!!
The lights come on
Kile: Bloody hell are we?
They are on The Enterprise
Kirk: We-are-being-in-vaded. Mr.-Sulu?
Sulu: Sir?
Kirk: Get-my-speech-teach-er-in-here. QUICK-LY!!!
Sulu: yessir.
Kile: Well.....
Cloud: Why the hell are we here.
Kile: Uh....Fee--
Cloud: DON'T SAY IT!!!!
Kile: ......
Kirk: KLING-ONS!!!!
Kile: Should've wiped better, Kirky.
Kirk: Set-phasers-to-KILL.
Kile: Sure you don't mean "Set phasers to KILE?" HAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They fire at Kile and an explosion is seen
Kile: Am I alive?
Cloud: No.
Kile: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cloud: You weren't to begin with.
Kile: Oh, yeah....Bye, James Tiberius Kirk!
Kirk: ....MO-THER!!!!!!!
The lights go out
Cloud: I think I'm starting to understand this...You've gotten us sent into everything that Sci-fi's ever shown!
Kile: ....Sleepy Kile......ZzZzZzZzZzZzZz..........
The lights go on and they are in space AGAIN
Kile: Huh? *Yawn*
A train hits them
Conducter: Spacekill. Tetsuro? I think we just hit machine people.
Tetsuro: MAETEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tetsuro runs away crying
The Offspring appear
Dexter Holland: My friend's got a boyfriend, man, she hates that d***.
Kile: Dexter Holland????
Kile jumps up into the engine room
Kile: Can you sign this, Mr. Holland?
Kile holds out the Rakitora
Dexter: I'm not even sure if I can pick it up!
Kile: 500 tons'll do that to you.
Dexter: 500 TONS???
Kile: My vest alone weighs 2000.
Dexter: Uh...
Dexter signs the sword
Kile: Now--wait where's Cloud?
Cloud is still clinging to the front of the train
Cloud: .......Tifa......help.....
Kile: Feelings...nothing more than feelings.
Dexter Holland and the rest of The Offspring join in
Dexter: Imagine--
Dexter hits Kile in the head
Dexter: Beating on YOUR face--
Kile: Trying to forget my feelings of raaaaaape.
Dexter: The line is "Trying to forget my feelings of hate."
Kile: ...It was until I met Love Hina's Naru!
Cloud enters
Cloud: Hahh.....hahh.......whew....
Kile: Where've YOU been?
Cloud: Hell.
Kile: How was the family?
Cloud: Fine. Heat is getting to them.
Kile: Dexter?
Dexter: Yes?
Kile: Join us in our search!
Dexter: No, thanks--
Kile: We're searching for a succubus--
Dexter: On second thought, sure.
The lights go out and all that can be seen are the heroes' eyes...like every other time
Dexter: Where does this succubus live?
Kile: Hell if I know.
Cloud: It took our friend Kuja.
Kile: AND HE TOOK THE PORN WITH HIM!!!!!!!!
The lights come on and their in the middle of a street
All is quiet
Kile: Hm...
Cloud: Something's weird.
Dexter: I sure hope noone thinks I'm the Dexter from Dexter's Lab.
Cloud: Noone's THAT dumb.
Kile walks over to the sidewalk
Cloud: What're you doing???
Kile points to the right (His left)
The is a large puff of dust in the distance which closes in quickly
It runs over Cloud and Dexter
Kile chases after the speed demon
After breaking the speed barrier a few times over
Kile: What IS that thing???
Kile slowly catches up
Kile: ???
A girl with red hair
She looks at him
Girl: EEEEEEEKKKKKKK!!!!!!
She hits him over the head with the blonde girl she had in tow
Kile: SON OF A--
Kile falls down
Cloud and Dexter appear
Cloud: Kile?
Dexter: You okay? What WAS that???
Kile: Eiko, A-Ko. Whatever you wish to call her....We are in the Project A-Ko! To Graviton High!
Cloud: Why?
Kile: Plot purposes.
The reach Graviton High
Kile enters the vent
Cloud: What school has a vent on the outside?
Dexter and Kile (From in the vent): Don't look a gift horse in the foot.
Cloud: -_-;
Kile continues inside the vent
Kile (Singing in a deep voice): Old Man River--Ooh!
Kile looks down from the opening that allows air to enter rooms
It's the girl's locker room
The girls are in towels
Kile's nose starts bleeding
The blood falls to the floor in the locker room
Girl: IT'S A PERVERT!!!
All the girls scream
For quite a while huge amounts of a sticky white substance falls from the vent
Then stops as Kile leaves
Kile comes out of the vent on the outside
Kile: Guys, if you decide to watch girls in the locker rooms NEVER carry gallons of sour milk.
Cloud: ???
Kile: Don't ask. Huh? Where's Dex?
Cloud: He's talking with that girl over there.
A-Ko: He has red hair and--
Dexter points over at Kile
Kile: Sell out.
A-Ko walks over to Kile
Kile puts white bandanna over his eyes and a cigarette in his mouth
Cloud hums funeral march
Kile lifts the bandanna
A-Ko flashes him
Kile: O___O (OH, HAPPY DAY!!!)
Cloud: Why the hell--
Kile: Don't look a gift horse in the foot.
A-Ko: In other words, I wish to join your party.
Kile: Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe--
5 hours later
Kile: --heheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheh.
Kile picks up A-Ko and begins to walk off
A-Ko: WHAT THE HELL'RE YOU DOING???
A-Ko punches Kile and he goes flying into the distance
3 hours later
Kile comes in flying from the other way and falls in front of the heroes
Kile: Ah.......
A-Ko: Serves the perv right.
Dexter: Wasn't it YOU who flashed him?
A-Ko punches Dexter...and the same thing happens with him as it did with Kile
After a fews hours of this, the lights go out and the heroes' eyes are all that's seen
A-Ko: What is goin' on???
Kile: We didn't pay the electric bill is my guess.
Cloud: Damn Entergy.
Dexter: I gotta go to the bathroom!
Kile: Will you be quiet?
The lights come on
Kile: Look!
They are in a rocky landscape, no grass or anything, but there IS a castle there
Kile: I bet that's where the succubus lives!
Dexter: What makes you say that?
Kile: That's what it says right there.
Kile points to a sign that says "This castle is property of the succubus'
Cloud (Sarcastically): Well....that was sure discreet.
Kile: Wasn't it, though?
They walk up to the castle and hear screams
Kuja: DON'T!!!!!!!!! STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They all rush inside
Kuja is hanging from ropes in the main hall of the castle being seduced by the succubus
Kile: We're hear to save you!
Kuja: Don't stop, Arisa!!!!!
Kile: So...he was yelling "Don't stop???"
Dexter: That's...what it seems.
Kuja: What are YOU people doing here???
Kile: We're here to save you!
Kuja: Over my dead body! I'm not leaving!
Kile: Over my living body!
Kuja: That can be arranged--wait, that makes no sense.
Cloud: Kuja! What is going on in here?
Kuja: I'm am the sex slave of a succubus! My life's dream!
A-Ko: ....WHY are you saving this guy Kile?
Kile: He took the porn with him.
Kuja: I took no porn!
Kile: Cloud!!!
Cloud: Uh-oh.
Kile: You lied!
Cloud: .................
Arisa (The Succubus): Kuja is MINE!!!!
Kile: What is your fascination with Kuja?
Arisa: ...Uh....Dunno. I get lonely!
Dexter: I will sacrifice myself.
Kile: Huh?
Dexter: Take Kuja with you...I will stay with the young, blonde succubus...
Arisa: ............................................................................Alright!
Arisa releases Kuja and he dresses
They all leave with the sounds of whips and screams of pleasure behind them
They return home
They are sitting at the kitchen table
Kile: We have returned unscathed
Kuja is crying on the table
Cloud: It's alright, Kuja...
Kuja: .....I miss Arisa!
A-Ko: Why am I here?
Cloud: I wonder how Dex is doing?
Dex appears in the television
Dexter: Thank you!
Kuja: DEXTER!!!!!!!!!
Kuja lunges at Dexter
Kile: He couldn't POSSIBLY enter the T.V. again!
Kuja enters the television and begins choking Dexter Holland
Kile: Of course...I could be wrong....Cloud? Get the tazer.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
END
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
HOW IT ALL FITS TOGETHER
The Fremen and the sandworms (Including Shai-Hulud) were part of "Dune" which was shown on the Sci-fi channel.
"Tenchi in Love" was shown on the Sci-fi channel.
The Conducter and Tetsuro were on "Galaxy Express 999" and "Adieu Galaxy Express 999" which was shown on the Sci-fi channel.
Dexter Holland of The Offspring was in the movie "Idle Hands" which was shown of the Sci-fi channel.
and
A-Ko was on "The Project A-Ko" which was shown on the Sci-fi channel.
KKC (Kile, Kuja, and Cloud)
by:
Kile Terro and animemaster
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
animemaster wears a black Saija-jin fusion vest, blue jeans, has black Heero Yuy like hair, dragon wings under the vest, and a monkey tail and at the end of it it branches out to create two ends
Kile is sitting upon the stairs in his apartment building
Kile: I can't believe Kid's been evicted....over a little noise...
animemaster walks up behind him
animemaster: "Oh, God, Kile, yeaaah!!" isn't really a LITTLE noise...especially at 2:00 AM.
Kile: ONCE! THAT HAPPENED ONCE!!!! ........The rest were at 3:00....
animemaster: AM or PM?
Kile: Both...and FM and XM.
animemaster: ....
Kile: And on top of all this--
animemaster: What?
Kile: Let me finish, you twin tailed, mutated, monkey sniffing, winged pack of cow dung!
animemaster: ....Touche.
Kile: I'M gonna have to move out...
animemaster: Why the hell why?
Kile: I can't pay the bills!! *Cries*
animemaster: SNAP OUT OF IT, MAN!!!!!
animemaster hits him
Kile: ...I needed that....I'll kill you later...
animemaster: ....Yeah, yeah, yeah....I know....I know.
Kile: Maybe we should have, um, interviews for new roomates for me!
animemaster: We are NOT gonna start a new interviews fic for just this.
Kile: No, in this story! I'll put it in the paper--
animemaster: What? "Local idiot seeks concubine?"
Kile: Look, I've tried that before, and all I got was a transvestite hooker knocking on my front door. Took me half a dozen cannonball blasts to get rid of him...her? It?
animemaster: ...
SO IT BEGINS
Kile: Name?
Rei: ..............................Rei.
Kile: ....Why do you want to live here?
Rei: ........................................................................................................................................................................................................It's close to the strip club.
Kile: Hmm....Heheh..
Kile begins "sizing her up"
Rei: I'm a cook there, you pervert!
Kile: Ohh........Next, please.
NEXT
Kile: Name?
Quatre: Quatre!
Kile: No-no-no-no!!! No yaois!
Quatre cries and leaves
animemaster: You're no fun, you could've hung out with your own kind.
Kile: I can't when selecting good roomates--and did you just call me gay???!!!
animemaster: Took you this long to figure that out?!
Kile: Grr....
Someone walks in
???: Is this where you get interviewed for the roomate thing--KILE!!!
Kile: Huh? Oh, hey, man, what's up?
He sits down
Kuja: Nothing.
Kile: Why do you want to live here?
Kuja: ....It's....uh...(C'mon think!!!!)...uh...close to the bar?
Kile: BINGO!!! You're hired or whatever it is I should say!
animemaster: He has SUCH a wide vocabulary...
Kile: We still need ONE more....
animemaster: NEXT!!!!
Kenny walks in
Kile: YOU'RE IN!!!!
Kenny: MPH MPH!!!
Kile is outside
Kile: We have decided my roomates!
animemaster: God help us all.
Kile: Kuja!
Kuja: YEAH!
Kile: And......KENNY!!!
Kenny jumps out from behind Kile and does a victory dance
Kile: Go, Kenny, Go!!
Kenny does a backflip down a cliff at the end of his victory dance and hits numerous jagged, flesh searing rocks, at the bottom a giant condor swoops down and drives it's talons in Kenny's skull, picks him up and flies off into the sunset, Kenny hits SEVERAL telephone poles and then is dropped several miles away and at his drop point a mushroom cloud is seen and a large shock wave is felt
Eminem appears
Eminem: Mushroom cloud?
Eminem disappears
animemaster: That was new...
Kile: I wonder if I should have put that atomic bomb in Kenny's back pocket? Oh, well, at the least the Feds didn't find it. It may be a month or two longer before I get to live my greatest dream.
animemaster/Kuja: What?
Kile: Holdin' up a strip bar!
Kuja falls over anime style and animemaster strangles Kile like Homer Simpson
Kuja: Shouldn't you be dead already?
Kile: I'm...already dead! This doesn't even really hurt...
animemaster: Let's see if THIS hurts!
animemaster, while strangling him, kicks him in the balls
Kuja appears under a spotlight wearing a very comfortable announcer jacket and announcer shirt and holding a sportcasters microphone
Kuja: I don't care whether you're alive or dead; THAT HURTS!!! Isn't that right Jim? Jim? JIM, WHERE ARE YOU????
Kile gets out of animemaster's strangling grasp and lightly hits Kuja...although that is a knockout blow, and then goes back into animemaster's grasp
Kuja wakes up
Kuja: Looks like we need a new roomate.
The abuse ends
Kile reaches inside the apartment building and pulls Cloud out
Kile: Not now! Since Cloud's around!
animemaster: idontknowjack2000 is SO gonna have our asses for breakfast....Augh, look, I know you need to settle in, so....I'm gonna get as far away from here as I can.
The three go inside
Kuja: Kile?
Kile: Yeah?
Kuja: Why is there a white sticky mucus all over the walls and floor....and ceiling????
Kile: My girlfriend moved out and we wanted to at make our last experience enjoyable.
Cloud: So you f%^$ed on the walls, floor, and ceiling?
Kile (Half in tears): Yeah.
HALF AN HOUR LATER
Kuja is bringing in boxes
Kile: Just what are in these boxes?
Kuja: Porn. Lots and lots of porn.
Kile: .....Cool.
Cloud: CAN I SEE??????
Kuja: NO! ....Augh....And I'm a guy...
Cloud: .......Oh.
Cloud fixes his pants to where his masculinity won't show he's enticed
Kile: ...Uhhh........
They finish settling in
Kile: Now...down to business.
Kile flips the television onto the Sci-Fi Channel, lies down on the couch and falls asleep
Cloud: What's he doing?
Kuja: Kuja-Kuja thinks he's taking a nap.
Cloud hits Kuja
Cloud: WRONG FIC!!!!
Kuja: Ah.....Ohhhh.............
Kuja looks at the television
Kuja: I think I see something!
Cloud: It's called a T.V., they give images of all sorts of things...children's programming, anime, porn, anime porn.....
Kuja: I know what a T.V. is! But look!
Cloud: Whoa....SWEET!!!
A beautiful young girl is half seen in the screen
Kuja: Sexy girl not part of program.
The girl signals for Kuja to follow her
Kuja starts to walk over to the television then Cloud stops him
Cloud: No, man! What if it's a succubus?
Kuja doensn't hesitate and jumps into the television disappearing into it
Cloud: .....Maybe I shouldn't have said that.
Kile wakes up
Kile: *Yawn* What did I miss?
Cloud: Kuja was just taken by a succubus!
Kile: Lucky S.O.B..
Cloud: We gotta save him! He jumped inside the T.V.!
Kile: Screw it! He's dispensable.
Cloud: Uh...Uh....He took the porn with him......?
Kile: SWEET MERCIFUL GOD, NOT THE PORN!!!!
Kile jumps up and runs into another room
Cloud (Sarcastic): ....Hahh...Great.....Kuja's been abducted by a sex demoness and Kile's committing suicide probably....
Kile emerges in a thin purple turtleneck, purple pants, NO bandanna, and his anime glasses
Cloud: What the HELL'S with you?!
Kile: I must be prepared for espionage!
Cloud: ...Let's just go, "Plasma Snake."
Kile and Cloud enter the television
They emerge in the Sci-Fi Channel main database
Kile: DAMN!!! NO!!! My enemies!!! They've tricked me!!
Cloud: You mean Sci-Fi? I thought they were your friends.
Kile: They stropped showing the anime. Now I'm pissed!!!
Kile slices at everything with the Rakitora which he pulled out of nowhere
All goes black after Kile slices everything away
All that can be seen is their eyes
Cloud: Nice going, dumbass!
Kile: What?
Cloud: You've gotten us all killed!
Kile: Sure you don't mean "You've gotten us all Kiled?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
Cloud: Screw you!
Kile: I hold the key to your demise!
Cloud: The hell you do!
Kile: I'll prove it!
Kile jingles keys
Kile: Front door, back door--
Cloud: You don't have a back door!
Kile: My room, your room, Kuja's room, porn stash--Ah-Hah! Cloud's Demise!
Kile chases Cloud with the key
Cloud: You crazy BASTARD!!!
The light comes back on and they're in space...not on a ship but in space
Kile: SHIT!!!
Cloud: Look! I'm swimming!
Cloud is swimming in space
Kile: How're you breathing?
Cloud: You are.
Kile breathes in
Kile: You're right!
A ship flies by and causes them to spin around and fly offcourse
Kile: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cloud: .....What should I say? Oh. SHAI-HULUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A giant sandworm appears and devours Cloud
Kile stops flying away
Kile: Whuh-oh.
The sandworm swims in space singing its mating song
Sandworm: LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!! LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!! LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOOOOOOOOO-AAAHHHHRRRRR!!
Kile: Drowing Pool has taken over the un/iverse! Great Scott!! Whoever he is.
Kile flies toward the sadworm
Kile: Throw up my friend!!! He hasn't paid his part of the biiiillllsss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sandworm: Oh! Good day! Have you perchance seen a young lady around here?
Kile: ...A fruity sandworm.
Sandworm: Cherry!
Kile: Can I have my friend back?
Sandworm: Give me a minute.
Kile: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SMELL??????!!!!!!
Sandworm: You said you wanted him back. You didn't say how.
Cloud: You don't feel real low until you've been shat by a sandworm.
Kile: Shat? Shitted? Why are we discussing the pronounciation of a curse's past tense form?
Cloud: Feelings! Whoa-oh-oh feelings!
Kile: Come, Shifty Shat.
Cloud: Stinking like a...well...I don't know what.
Kile: Godzilla?
Sandworm: Yeeeeesssss?
Kile: Doko Arigato.
Sandworm: WHAT ABOUT MY MOTHER???!!!!
Kile: ARGH!
Cloud: Son of a--
Sandworm: MEESA SO PIIISSSEEEDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kile: Let's just get the hell outta here!
Cloud: Where is the hell?
Kile grabs Cloud's arm
Kile: Damn, you stink.
Cloud: I bet you say that to all the boys....
Kile: -_-' Screw you.
Cloud: Shai-Hulud did a good job of that!
Sandworm: Twas a bonny time!
Kile: Wait. I thought you were trying to kill us?
Sandworm: Oh, yeah! ROAR!!!
Cloud: You just HAD to get him started.
Kile and Cloud fly off
Kile: The things I do for porn!
They crash down on a barren desert planet
Kile: We're on Arrakis!
Cloud: Arrakis?
A sandworm appears and eats Kile
Kile (Inside its belly): SSHHIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cloud: No, Shai-Hulud!
Cloud slaps the sandworm on the head and it coughs up Kile
Kile: ....
People with deep blue within light blue eyes appear
Guy 1: He attacks Gods.
Guy 2: And wins.
They carry off Cloud
Kile: Son of a--
Kile follows
They enter a cavern
Kile: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! Death by stalactites!
Cloud: Will you calm down?
Kile: How can I calm down when monkeys have taken Japan and raised the price of sushi???!!!
Cloud: Shut up!
Kile looks at the natives
Kile: FREMEN!!! Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee--
2 hours later
Kile: --eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!!!!
Cloud: Congrats, Kile, you've officially made an ass of yourself to fifth world people.
Kile: Colin Powell gonna bomb-a his home.
Fremen 1: Feelings...nothing more than feelings.
Cloud: What do you plan on doing with me.
Fremen 2: We plan on making you the Naib, having you die in a meaningless battle, then drain the last drop of moisture from your body, then publishing a book about it!
Kile: Lucky...
The current Naib runs in
Naib: The Canadians are coming!! The Canadians are coming!!
A Fremen kills him
Fremen 3: Now you are Naib, Cloud.
Cloud: No, thanks, I'm full.
The dead Naib ressurects himself
Naib: Alright, bye.
Naib leaves
Kile: GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDFFFFFFFFFFAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cloud: Why did you scream "Grandfather?"
Kile: Why do you wear purple?
Cloud: It makes me all warm and squishy inside....
All is dark and all that can be seen is Kile and Cloud's eyes
Kile: I'm scared!
Cloud: LET GO OF ME!!!
Kile: ...That's...not me...
Cloud: Huh???
BOTH: *GULP*
The lights come back on and they are in the girl's bath in the Masaki Household with Sasami clutching Cloud
All the girls rush to Cloud
Kile: ..... -_-
Ryo-Ohki lies down on Kile's head
Kile: RYO-OHKI!!! ^_^
Ryo-Ohki: MYAO! MYAO!
Cloud: ....Who's hands are in my pants?
Kile: Uh..
Kile looks over at Cloud
Kile: The better question would be "Who's hands AREN'T in your pants?"
Cloud: SASAMI!!! Stop that!!!
The lights go out again
Kile: Feelings...nothing more than fee--
Cloud: WILL YOU SHUT UP?????!!!!!
The lights come on
Kile: Bloody hell are we?
They are on The Enterprise
Kirk: We-are-being-in-vaded. Mr.-Sulu?
Sulu: Sir?
Kirk: Get-my-speech-teach-er-in-here. QUICK-LY!!!
Sulu: yessir.
Kile: Well.....
Cloud: Why the hell are we here.
Kile: Uh....Fee--
Cloud: DON'T SAY IT!!!!
Kile: ......
Kirk: KLING-ONS!!!!
Kile: Should've wiped better, Kirky.
Kirk: Set-phasers-to-KILL.
Kile: Sure you don't mean "Set phasers to KILE?" HAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They fire at Kile and an explosion is seen
Kile: Am I alive?
Cloud: No.
Kile: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cloud: You weren't to begin with.
Kile: Oh, yeah....Bye, James Tiberius Kirk!
Kirk: ....MO-THER!!!!!!!
The lights go out
Cloud: I think I'm starting to understand this...You've gotten us sent into everything that Sci-fi's ever shown!
Kile: ....Sleepy Kile......ZzZzZzZzZzZzZz..........
The lights go on and they are in space AGAIN
Kile: Huh? *Yawn*
A train hits them
Conducter: Spacekill. Tetsuro? I think we just hit machine people.
Tetsuro: MAETEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tetsuro runs away crying
The Offspring appear
Dexter Holland: My friend's got a boyfriend, man, she hates that d***.
Kile: Dexter Holland????
Kile jumps up into the engine room
Kile: Can you sign this, Mr. Holland?
Kile holds out the Rakitora
Dexter: I'm not even sure if I can pick it up!
Kile: 500 tons'll do that to you.
Dexter: 500 TONS???
Kile: My vest alone weighs 2000.
Dexter: Uh...
Dexter signs the sword
Kile: Now--wait where's Cloud?
Cloud is still clinging to the front of the train
Cloud: .......Tifa......help.....
Kile: Feelings...nothing more than feelings.
Dexter Holland and the rest of The Offspring join in
Dexter: Imagine--
Dexter hits Kile in the head
Dexter: Beating on YOUR face--
Kile: Trying to forget my feelings of raaaaaape.
Dexter: The line is "Trying to forget my feelings of hate."
Kile: ...It was until I met Love Hina's Naru!
Cloud enters
Cloud: Hahh.....hahh.......whew....
Kile: Where've YOU been?
Cloud: Hell.
Kile: How was the family?
Cloud: Fine. Heat is getting to them.
Kile: Dexter?
Dexter: Yes?
Kile: Join us in our search!
Dexter: No, thanks--
Kile: We're searching for a succubus--
Dexter: On second thought, sure.
The lights go out and all that can be seen are the heroes' eyes...like every other time
Dexter: Where does this succubus live?
Kile: Hell if I know.
Cloud: It took our friend Kuja.
Kile: AND HE TOOK THE PORN WITH HIM!!!!!!!!
The lights come on and their in the middle of a street
All is quiet
Kile: Hm...
Cloud: Something's weird.
Dexter: I sure hope noone thinks I'm the Dexter from Dexter's Lab.
Cloud: Noone's THAT dumb.
Kile walks over to the sidewalk
Cloud: What're you doing???
Kile points to the right (His left)
The is a large puff of dust in the distance which closes in quickly
It runs over Cloud and Dexter
Kile chases after the speed demon
After breaking the speed barrier a few times over
Kile: What IS that thing???
Kile slowly catches up
Kile: ???
A girl with red hair
She looks at him
Girl: EEEEEEEKKKKKKK!!!!!!
She hits him over the head with the blonde girl she had in tow
Kile: SON OF A--
Kile falls down
Cloud and Dexter appear
Cloud: Kile?
Dexter: You okay? What WAS that???
Kile: Eiko, A-Ko. Whatever you wish to call her....We are in the Project A-Ko! To Graviton High!
Cloud: Why?
Kile: Plot purposes.
The reach Graviton High
Kile enters the vent
Cloud: What school has a vent on the outside?
Dexter and Kile (From in the vent): Don't look a gift horse in the foot.
Cloud: -_-;
Kile continues inside the vent
Kile (Singing in a deep voice): Old Man River--Ooh!
Kile looks down from the opening that allows air to enter rooms
It's the girl's locker room
The girls are in towels
Kile's nose starts bleeding
The blood falls to the floor in the locker room
Girl: IT'S A PERVERT!!!
All the girls scream
For quite a while huge amounts of a sticky white substance falls from the vent
Then stops as Kile leaves
Kile comes out of the vent on the outside
Kile: Guys, if you decide to watch girls in the locker rooms NEVER carry gallons of sour milk.
Cloud: ???
Kile: Don't ask. Huh? Where's Dex?
Cloud: He's talking with that girl over there.
A-Ko: He has red hair and--
Dexter points over at Kile
Kile: Sell out.
A-Ko walks over to Kile
Kile puts white bandanna over his eyes and a cigarette in his mouth
Cloud hums funeral march
Kile lifts the bandanna
A-Ko flashes him
Kile: O___O (OH, HAPPY DAY!!!)
Cloud: Why the hell--
Kile: Don't look a gift horse in the foot.
A-Ko: In other words, I wish to join your party.
Kile: Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe--
5 hours later
Kile: --heheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheh.
Kile picks up A-Ko and begins to walk off
A-Ko: WHAT THE HELL'RE YOU DOING???
A-Ko punches Kile and he goes flying into the distance
3 hours later
Kile comes in flying from the other way and falls in front of the heroes
Kile: Ah.......
A-Ko: Serves the perv right.
Dexter: Wasn't it YOU who flashed him?
A-Ko punches Dexter...and the same thing happens with him as it did with Kile
After a fews hours of this, the lights go out and the heroes' eyes are all that's seen
A-Ko: What is goin' on???
Kile: We didn't pay the electric bill is my guess.
Cloud: Damn Entergy.
Dexter: I gotta go to the bathroom!
Kile: Will you be quiet?
The lights come on
Kile: Look!
They are in a rocky landscape, no grass or anything, but there IS a castle there
Kile: I bet that's where the succubus lives!
Dexter: What makes you say that?
Kile: That's what it says right there.
Kile points to a sign that says "This castle is property of the succubus'
Cloud (Sarcastically): Well....that was sure discreet.
Kile: Wasn't it, though?
They walk up to the castle and hear screams
Kuja: DON'T!!!!!!!!! STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They all rush inside
Kuja is hanging from ropes in the main hall of the castle being seduced by the succubus
Kile: We're hear to save you!
Kuja: Don't stop, Arisa!!!!!
Kile: So...he was yelling "Don't stop???"
Dexter: That's...what it seems.
Kuja: What are YOU people doing here???
Kile: We're here to save you!
Kuja: Over my dead body! I'm not leaving!
Kile: Over my living body!
Kuja: That can be arranged--wait, that makes no sense.
Cloud: Kuja! What is going on in here?
Kuja: I'm am the sex slave of a succubus! My life's dream!
A-Ko: ....WHY are you saving this guy Kile?
Kile: He took the porn with him.
Kuja: I took no porn!
Kile: Cloud!!!
Cloud: Uh-oh.
Kile: You lied!
Cloud: .................
Arisa (The Succubus): Kuja is MINE!!!!
Kile: What is your fascination with Kuja?
Arisa: ...Uh....Dunno. I get lonely!
Dexter: I will sacrifice myself.
Kile: Huh?
Dexter: Take Kuja with you...I will stay with the young, blonde succubus...
Arisa: ............................................................................Alright!
Arisa releases Kuja and he dresses
They all leave with the sounds of whips and screams of pleasure behind them
They return home
They are sitting at the kitchen table
Kile: We have returned unscathed
Kuja is crying on the table
Cloud: It's alright, Kuja...
Kuja: .....I miss Arisa!
A-Ko: Why am I here?
Cloud: I wonder how Dex is doing?
Dex appears in the television
Dexter: Thank you!
Kuja: DEXTER!!!!!!!!!
Kuja lunges at Dexter
Kile: He couldn't POSSIBLY enter the T.V. again!
Kuja enters the television and begins choking Dexter Holland
Kile: Of course...I could be wrong....Cloud? Get the tazer.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
END
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
HOW IT ALL FITS TOGETHER
The Fremen and the sandworms (Including Shai-Hulud) were part of "Dune" which was shown on the Sci-fi channel.
"Tenchi in Love" was shown on the Sci-fi channel.
The Conducter and Tetsuro were on "Galaxy Express 999" and "Adieu Galaxy Express 999" which was shown on the Sci-fi channel.
Dexter Holland of The Offspring was in the movie "Idle Hands" which was shown of the Sci-fi channel.
and
A-Ko was on "The Project A-Ko" which was shown on the Sci-fi channel.