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KKC
by:
Kile Terro
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Kile is asleep on the couch
Kuja is sleeping on the kitchen table
Cloud is nowhere to be seen
A-Ko is returning from her job
A-Ko: YOU STILL AREN'T AWAKE????!!!! LAZY BASTARDS!!!!
This woke them up
A-Ko: WHY AREN'T YOU AT WORK????!!!!
Kuja: Huh? *Yawn* I don't work 'til night.
A-Ko: What about YOU Kile?
Kile: Uh...I am not at liberty to divulge information on my job.
A-Ko: No job...just as I thought.
Kile: I have a job! I just can't...tell you...what it is.
Kuja: What's so bad about hosting a talk show?
Kile: I have a PAYING job.
A-Ko: At least Cloud is more reliable. He's already gone to work. Messy, messy, messy.
Kuja: She sounds like you!
A-Ko opens the dishwasher to put in some dirty dishes and Cloud falls out
Kile: So THAT'S his job...checking dishes!
A-Ko picks up Cloud and tosses him out a window
A blood-curdling scream is heard followed by a thud
Kile: .....Whoa.....
Footsteps running up the stairs are heard
The door opens
Cloud: I want a rematch!
Kile: Tomorrow. I wanna sell tickets.
Kuja: Is THAT your day job?
Kile: No. But, I DO need to get to the set. See you!
Kile leaves
A-Ko: Where is he going?
animemaster crashes through the wall
animemaster: ME WANT FOOOOOOOOOOOOD--Oh, hey, a girl!
animemaster grabs A-Ko, lets his dragon wings out and the dragon monkey boy flies off
Cloud: We must save her!
Kuja: Uh...
Cloud: To the batmobile!
Kuja: It's in the shop.
Cloud: Then....To the eggplantmobile!
Kuja: Sorry, Mr. Magoo.
Cloud: .....To the--
Kuja: In the shop.
Cloud: Then what isn't???
Kuja: The Kilemobile!
They suddenly appear in a cavern where a red car sits with a monkey tail like structure on the back, and a white skull and crossbones on the black top
Cloud: THIS is the Kilemobile?!
Kuja: Of course.
They get in
Cloud: ....Which way do we go?
Kuja: Well.....That-a-way!
Kuja points everywhere
Kuja: Over here, over there, over here, over there, over here, over there, No! Over here!
Cloud hits him
Cloud: Shaddap.
The Kilemobile starts up and crashes through a wall
The speed at which it travels causes the skin on Kuja and Cloud's faces to flap
Kuja's tongue leaves his mouth and his hanging out his mouth flying in the wind
Kuja: Ah!
The Kilemobile suddenly stops
Kuja and Cloud's heads bang against the dashboard
Cloud: .......Ow...
Kuja: I agree...Ow!
The get out of the Kilemobile
Kuja: Oh, shit!
Cloud: AW, MAN!!!
Kuja: How far did we GO???!!!
They are in the middle of a desert
Cloud: How the hell should I know???
Kuja goes back to the Kilemobile as does Cloud
They enter
Cloud: Let's just get out of here.
It won't start
He tries again...and again...and again
Kuja: Well...we're screwed.
Cloud: You can say that again.
Kuja: Well...we're screwed.
Cloud: That was a figure of speech.
Kuja: ........Oh.
Cloud: We must now trek!
Kuja: Why?
Cloud: Plot purposes.
Kuja: Cool.
They walk for hours
Kuja: ..........Y'know?
Cloud: Do I know what?
Kuja: Where we are?
Cloud: NO!! I already told you! All's--
Kuja: "All's???"
Cloud: Yes, "All's." All's I know is the Spirit World is a blue barren landscape with the exception of the buildings, Kile's Refuge, Bullet Train, the mountains, and the one forest up north. I don't ever remember anything about a desert.
Kuja: Ya do now!
Cloud: I sure hope we don't see Shai-Hulud.
Rumbling is felt
Cloud: WORMSIGN!!!!
They both run
Ripples appear in the sand following Kuja and Cloud
Kuja: SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIIIIT!!!
Cloud: STOP!!!
They stop
Cloud takes a sake bottle out
Kuja: Where'd you get that?
Cloud: Never look a gift horse in the foot.
Cloud throws it in the other direction
With a thunk it lands and the ripple goes toward it
Cloud: I wish I could have drank it though........
The worm appears under it
The sake bottle goes under the sand
Cloud: HUH????
Kuja: ....?
Cloud: They're supposed to appear and devour anything and everything!!!
The sake bottle emerges empty
A belch is heard
Kuja: ....Kuja Kuja think Shai-Hulud is drunk of his ass.
Cloud: WRONG FIC!!!
Cloud hits Kuja....but this caused a vibration causing the sandworm to come toward them
Kuja: Nice going, Dumbass!
Cloud: If you weren't so retarded I wouldn't have had to hit you!
The sandworm emerges...only it isn't a sandworm, it's Dexter Holland
Cloud: Dex! What're you doing here? I thought you were with Arisa the Succubus!
Dexter: Taxes came and....she couldn't afford to feed two people. As a slave I couldn't be paid anything...So, I'm FREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kuja: What was with the sandworm bit?
Dexter: I wanted booze.
Cloud: Dexter, would you help us again?
Dexter: What is it?
Kuja: A-Ko has been kidnapped!
Dexter thinks hard which IS hard
Dexter: ..........
Cloud and Kuja: ....................
Dexter: ..................
Cloud: It's been 3 1/2 hours! Are you going to decide?
Dexter: Huh? Decide what?
Cloud clenches his teeth
Cloud: Whether or not you will help us save A-Ko!
Dexter: Oh, sure! ......As long as I get paid...
Kuja: Well, what'd'ya want?
Dexter: Sex.
Kuja: Can't help you there. I'm a dude.
Dexter: Porn, then.
Kuja: That, I CAN help you with.
Dexter: Got any....under 18?
Kuja: Of course not! Don't be such a perverted assho--come over here...
They walk off
Cloud: ???
They return and Dexter has a big smile on his face
Cloud: ???????????????????
Dexter: Let's GOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah-heh!!!!!
They continue their trek
Dexter: Where is Kile?
Cloud: At his talk show. Which should end soon.
Kuja: ...WAAAAAAAAAIT!!!!!!!! animemaster works there, right?
Cloud: Yeah...YEAH!
Kuja: That's where he should be!
Cloud: Then that's where we'll go!
Kuja: .......If we knew where we were.
Cloud: Yeah.
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AT THE SPIRIT SHOW
Kile is sitting next to a moniter showing the heroes
Kile: This is a lark.
ragnarock: "Lark?"
Kile: Yes, "lark."
Tenchey: Has anyone seen animemaster?
Kile: Oh, sure! Plenty of times!
ragnarock: He means recently...
Kile: Oh. No.
Kile's face is overcome by shadows and his voice becomes raspy, like Grey
Kile: animemaster has vanished. The Bene Tleilax are behind it. And I will not stop until I....
Kile becomes cheerful again
Kile: Until I can get an orange soda!
All but Kile fall over anime style
Tenchey: Or is it "Tenchey Stlye?"
Kile: Ah, so now you advertise on my time! No Card Captor Sakura hentai for a week!
Tenchey: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tenchey explodes
All is silent
Tenchey comes in through the door
Tenchey: 'Sup?
ragnarock: Uhhhhhhhh.........Let's just watch the morons.
Everyone looks at Kile
Kile: HEY!!! He said it in plural so he meant Dex, Cloud, and Kuja!
ALL: Ooooohhhhhh..........
They all look at the moniter
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
WITH DEX, CLOUD, AND KUJA
Kuja: I think my ass exploded.
Cloud: Why the hell did you just say that?
Kuja: I thought I'd lighten the mood.
Dexter: Look! Up ahead!
An elevator is up ahead
They run over to it
Cloud: What is an elevator doing in a desert?
Kuja: Never look a--
Kuja and Cloud: ---gift horse in the foot.
Cloud: I know. I know.
They enter the elevator
Kuja: Press a button.
There are 5 buttons, 4 are Down and 1 is Up, but it was forcibly removed
Cloud presses down
They appear in an inferno
Dexter: What the hell?
The Devil wearing a fleece jacket jumps out of nowhere
Satan: That's right! Let me see....Kuja Tribal...
Satan looks in a book
Satan: According to this you've murdered countless and are pure evil.
Kuja: I do my best.
Satan: You're staying in the Underworld. Cloud......This says you are a perverted bastard. You're staying in the Underworld.
Satan flips through the book
Satan: Dexter Holland......you can go.
Cloud: WHAT??????????
The three leave
Cloud: That was weird
Kuja: I'm not taking THAT elevator anymore.
Dexter: Why don't we try this?
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
AT THE SET
Kile: Try what?
Kuja, Cloud, and Dexter climb out of the moniter
Kile: Bloody Hells?
Kuja: I don't know why that worked.
Dexter: Never look a gift hors--Oh, well, you know..........
Cloud: Where is animemaster?
Kile: That's what I wanna know. He told us that frequency for the monitor then left....with the porn! I'll get him for taking my Love Hina hentai!
Crappy Final Fantays II message box: Kile joins the party!
They leave the set
Cloud: Where to?
A space craft falls down and Grey jumps out of it
Grey: DAMN!!!!!!! Kile?
Kile: Hey, Grey!
Grey: Dude? WASSUP?????!!!!
Kile: WASSUP?????!!!!!!
Grey: WWWWAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUUPP???????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Scary Movie killer comes out of nowhere
Killer: WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP??????????????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He leaves
Grey: Dude--
animemaster: Dude.
Kile: Will you help us find anime.....mast...er?
animemaster leaves just as mysteriously as he came
Grey: Dude! There he went!
They board the "Kile Terro" (Don't know what that is? Read Dead End Stars!)
They fly off
ragnarock: I thought you were a serious character, Grey?
Grey: We are all just marionettes...
Kile: Then where's Lime, Cherry, and Bloodberry?
Grey: Marionettes...not Sabre Marionettes.
Tenchey: Coming soon! Sabre Marionettes X!
Grey: Shut up or I will stab you all with my stick.
ragnarock: We're dudes.
Grey: I mean my Kendo Stick, asslicker!
ragnarock: What a grouch.
Grey: F*** off.
ALL: .......................
They reach a big castle on a dark mountain
Kile: animemaster's Keep....
ragnarock: Home of the mad kidnapper....
Tenchey: He made off with A-Ko! That's all! ONCE!!! He did it ONCE!!!
Kile: Don't listen to him!! He's still under the cactus's powers!
Tenchey: What ARE you talking about?! What cactus??!!
Kile: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kile tackles Tenchey
ragnarock: Kile? He...he has a good point....what cactus?
Kile stops beating up Tenchey
Kile: Whoops....wrong story....I was wondering why none of you were calling me Gene.
Kile puts his hand on Grey's shoulder
Kile: Let's go, Melphena.
Grey: Call me that again and I will remove your larynx.
Kile: Please don't! I need that to go to the bathroom!
Grey: Stupid.....Your larynx is what allows you to speak....
Kile: I know!
Grey: ??????????????????????
They land in front of the castle
Kile: Kiros, Ward, let's move out!
Kile gets out and falls over screaming and flailing making explosion sounds
Kile: BUBBA!!!! Dey gots m' legs!! Dey goots me leeeeegs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Grey: Stupid....
Kile drags himself over to Grey and grabs hold of him
Kile: Tell yer girlfrien' I won't be comin' aftah dark no mo'...
Grey: THAT WAS YOU????!!!!
Kile: *Cough* *Cough* You shoulda seen that mouse I hit. *Cough* *Cough*
Kile passes (?) out
Grey: It was "Moose" not "mouse."
Kile jumps up and moonwalks into the castle doing the Michael Jackson yells
Cloud: Kile gets weirder everyday.......
Grey: Ack, Kile germs....
Grey dusts off his grey jacket and follows Kile
Everyone follows
They enter
Kile: Now this looks a job for me so everyobody just follow me, 'cause we need a little Kile Terro, see? 'Cause if feels so empty without KT!
Grey: Shut up, perv.
Kile: Did you know 16 year old porn is legal in Holland.
Noone listens to Kile and they all pass him
Kile follows, lagging behind
They traverse down the dark, dingy corridors
Light music is heard
Cloud: Shh! Do you hear that?
Kile: Egads! It sounds like--!!!!
Kile hops up and down happily
They near the origin of the music and they hear someone singing...
???: I don't know.....if I care...I'm the jerk. LIFE'S NOT FAIR!!! Fighting all the time...this is out of line...SHE LOVES ME NOT!!! LOVES ME NOT!!!!!!
Kile: It's Jacoby Shaddix! AKA Coby Dick!
Kuja: Who?
Kile: From Papa Roach! One of the best rock bands ever! They just recently released their second album. Their last was from 2000.
Kile begins to sound like an announcer
Kile: Now available....INFEST and lovehatetragedy. Located wherever decent music is sold...
Kile goes back to normal
Kile: "Walking Thru Barbed Wire" is cool...
Kuja: Kile? Do you mind?
Jacoby: What are you doing here?
Kuja: Looking for animemaster.
Jacoby: No, I mean "What are you doing here?"
Jacoby points at Tenchey who is groping Videl
ALL: ............
Videl picks Tenchey up, spins him over her head, and tosses him out of a convenietly placed window
Kile looks out of the window
Kile: YO, TENCH!
Sasami transforms into Pretty Sammy and flies to Tenchey's rescue
She puts him back inside, in front of the group
She reverts back to Sasami
Sasami: I earned a night of fun, Kile!
Sasami clutches Kile
Kile: Why me???
Sasami: I like monkey people!
Kile: Then take Tenchey!
Sasami: He's not a monkey person!
Kile: Yes, he is!
Kile pants Tenchey
Sasami sees Tenchey's tail
Sasami: He's a monkey!
Sasami dives onto the pantsless Tenchey
They fall out that conveniently placed window
Kile jumps out the window
Jacoby: What does this have to do anything?
Cloud sits down against the wall and smokes
Cloud: Jes' killin' time..........
4 hours, 39 minutes, and 25 seconds later
Kile comes crawling in through the window
Tenchey and Sasami are already inside
Tenchey: Why the heck did you jump out the window 7349 times?
Kile: Seemed like a--
Kile and Cloud: --good idea at the time...
Cloud: We know. We know.....
Jacoby: ...Are you going to continue your search?
Kile: ......
Grey appears out of nowhere with shaggy hair, covering his Ears and part of his eyes and a beige shirt
Kile: Grey? Where've you been?
Beige: I'm not Grey. I'm Beige.
ALL: ...........Riiiiiiight..............
They press onward, with two new recruits: Sasami and Jacoby
Beige walks alongside Jacoby, then after a moment, Sasami, then Dexter
Beige walks ahead of everyone
Jacoby puts his hand is his pocket
Jacoby: !!! My wallet's gone!
Sasami checks her clothes
Sasami: My Kile pic is gone!
Kile: Your what????
Dexter searches himself
Dexter: He took the bling-bling!
Kile: The bling-bling?
Dexter: Da bling-bling, foo'.
Kile: Damn pickpocket!
They run the way Beige did
They find their stuff on the floor
Beige comes from an adjacent corridor with longer hair and a tan shirt
Kile: Damn you, Beige!
Tan: I'm not Beige! I'm Tan!
ALL: ...........
Jacoby: I'm startin' to get tired of this Mofo.
They continue
Tan marches happily
He falls through a trap door
Dexter: What's with this guy? Damn, it's been a while since I had a line.
They continue forth without going back for him
Kile: The poor little bugger
Mini-Me comes out of nowhere and punches Kile, then runs away
Jacoby: What the hell?
Smoke envelopes Kile quickly
It clears, showing Kile to be much shorter and super distorted
Dexter: Weird...
Chibi Kile: !!! Damn you, Mini-Me!
They continue their trek, with Kile STILL Chibi
Tan comes out of nowhere again with even longer hair and a Green shirt
Chibi Kile: Green? I presume?
Green: Yeah. How'd you know?
Green: After calculating the perimeter of this castle, I've located the room animemaster is in.
ALL: HALLELUJAH!!!
Chibi Kile jumps up happily
Chibi Kile: Little Mofo!
They walk through the door right next to them
animemaster is in the middle of the room, passed out
Green: He dead?
Dexter checks
Dexter: No, just had the hell beaten outta him.
animemaster stands
animemaster yells and a yellow aura surrounds him and his black Heero Yuy hair spikes up blonde
SSJ animemaster: You'll pay!
Chibi Kile: The bastard isn't even a Saiya-jinn!
SSJ animemaster punches Chibi Kile through a wall
Green glows grey
The room is filled with a blinding grey light
When it clears, Grey is standing there with Radditz-like red hair, machines attached to his grey jacket, and mechanical wings
Grey launches an all out offensive
Jacoby and Dexter provide the vocals while Kuja plays drums, Cloud plays bass, and ragnarock plays guitar
Sasami is checking on Chibi Kile
Kalabora is dancing in his own mosh pit with Tenchey
Tenchey: Stop hitting me!
Kalabora hands him a dictionary
Tenchey reads the definition of a mosh pit
Tenchey: MOSH PIT: A dropoff infront of a stage where white guys beat the *sheet* outta each other to rock music and call it dancing.
Jacoby: Biological, spiritual, electrical, digital....S.I.D.!!!!!
Dexter: Kile, Sasami really wants to Fffffffff************* YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Grey continues attacking SSJ animemaster but nothing works
SSJ animemaster fires at him with a "Garlic Gun"
Grey falls to the ground
Chibi Kile steps forward
Chibi Kile: I will fight.
Tenchey: But you're so.....tiny.
Sasami looks at Chibi Kile
Sasami: Did....."it" shrink?
Chibi Kile slaps his head and smoke surrounds him again
He's normal Kile
Kile: Hey, it worked.
Kile gets a serious expression
Kile glows white and strong winds surround him
Tenchey: CORIOLIS WINDS????????????
When the glow disappears, Kile is wearing a long tunic like body clothes, a metal armor that guards his shoulder, it has a large tuft of cloth around the neck hole the keep it from cutting the neck, he has a Cloud like waist guard, keeping his tunic together, his hair is as long as Sephiroth, but still in the thick spikes
Kile steps forward, his shoulders squared, and with his back in a slight backward arch
Kile: My day job....Enigma.....The Savior of the Karan!!!!!!!!
Kile unleashes his own energy attack, the Red Flare
All is red
The red disappears and animemaster is gone and Kile is normal Kile
He turns around, his face stony and hateful
Kile: I......
He becomes cheerful
Kile: --Gotta get some orange soda!
Everyone falls over anime style
Tenchey: Or is it "Tenchey Style?"
They, for no damn good reason are all back at Kile's appartment, cutting Grey Phoenix's hair
Grey Phoenix: I gotta have a good fight!
The hair is cut to Green's length
Green: No! I have experiments!
The hair is cut to Tan's length
Tan: Ah, I'm gonna go play a video game, instead.
The hair is cut to Beige's length
Beige: Why not steal one?
The hair is cut to Grey's length
Kile: Look, Grey, you're all pretty again!
Kile laughs his head off
Grey growls, then rips out Kile's larynx
Kile grows wide eyed, looks at his empty orange soda can, and hops up and down with his legs crossed
Grey: What's with him?
Kile writes something quick and gives it to him
Grey: It says "I need my larynx to go to the bathroom! The door is hooked up with VOICE RECOGNITION!!!!!"
Kile is hopping around the apartment and sits down on the couch and let's out a barely audible sigh
Grey: .......................Do I need to get a cow?
ALL: ?????
animemaster enters wearing a cow costume
He does the monkey dance (Like Jonny Bravo)
animemaster: Do the cow dance, c'mon!
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
TO BE CONTINUED (A HINT)
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
PS- Three hours later, Kile's larynx was put back by Dr. Cobalt.
KKC
by:
Kile Terro
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
Kile is asleep on the couch
Kuja is sleeping on the kitchen table
Cloud is nowhere to be seen
A-Ko is returning from her job
A-Ko: YOU STILL AREN'T AWAKE????!!!! LAZY BASTARDS!!!!
This woke them up
A-Ko: WHY AREN'T YOU AT WORK????!!!!
Kuja: Huh? *Yawn* I don't work 'til night.
A-Ko: What about YOU Kile?
Kile: Uh...I am not at liberty to divulge information on my job.
A-Ko: No job...just as I thought.
Kile: I have a job! I just can't...tell you...what it is.
Kuja: What's so bad about hosting a talk show?
Kile: I have a PAYING job.
A-Ko: At least Cloud is more reliable. He's already gone to work. Messy, messy, messy.
Kuja: She sounds like you!
A-Ko opens the dishwasher to put in some dirty dishes and Cloud falls out
Kile: So THAT'S his job...checking dishes!
A-Ko picks up Cloud and tosses him out a window
A blood-curdling scream is heard followed by a thud
Kile: .....Whoa.....
Footsteps running up the stairs are heard
The door opens
Cloud: I want a rematch!
Kile: Tomorrow. I wanna sell tickets.
Kuja: Is THAT your day job?
Kile: No. But, I DO need to get to the set. See you!
Kile leaves
A-Ko: Where is he going?
animemaster crashes through the wall
animemaster: ME WANT FOOOOOOOOOOOOD--Oh, hey, a girl!
animemaster grabs A-Ko, lets his dragon wings out and the dragon monkey boy flies off
Cloud: We must save her!
Kuja: Uh...
Cloud: To the batmobile!
Kuja: It's in the shop.
Cloud: Then....To the eggplantmobile!
Kuja: Sorry, Mr. Magoo.
Cloud: .....To the--
Kuja: In the shop.
Cloud: Then what isn't???
Kuja: The Kilemobile!
They suddenly appear in a cavern where a red car sits with a monkey tail like structure on the back, and a white skull and crossbones on the black top
Cloud: THIS is the Kilemobile?!
Kuja: Of course.
They get in
Cloud: ....Which way do we go?
Kuja: Well.....That-a-way!
Kuja points everywhere
Kuja: Over here, over there, over here, over there, over here, over there, No! Over here!
Cloud hits him
Cloud: Shaddap.
The Kilemobile starts up and crashes through a wall
The speed at which it travels causes the skin on Kuja and Cloud's faces to flap
Kuja's tongue leaves his mouth and his hanging out his mouth flying in the wind
Kuja: Ah!
The Kilemobile suddenly stops
Kuja and Cloud's heads bang against the dashboard
Cloud: .......Ow...
Kuja: I agree...Ow!
The get out of the Kilemobile
Kuja: Oh, shit!
Cloud: AW, MAN!!!
Kuja: How far did we GO???!!!
They are in the middle of a desert
Cloud: How the hell should I know???
Kuja goes back to the Kilemobile as does Cloud
They enter
Cloud: Let's just get out of here.
It won't start
He tries again...and again...and again
Kuja: Well...we're screwed.
Cloud: You can say that again.
Kuja: Well...we're screwed.
Cloud: That was a figure of speech.
Kuja: ........Oh.
Cloud: We must now trek!
Kuja: Why?
Cloud: Plot purposes.
Kuja: Cool.
They walk for hours
Kuja: ..........Y'know?
Cloud: Do I know what?
Kuja: Where we are?
Cloud: NO!! I already told you! All's--
Kuja: "All's???"
Cloud: Yes, "All's." All's I know is the Spirit World is a blue barren landscape with the exception of the buildings, Kile's Refuge, Bullet Train, the mountains, and the one forest up north. I don't ever remember anything about a desert.
Kuja: Ya do now!
Cloud: I sure hope we don't see Shai-Hulud.
Rumbling is felt
Cloud: WORMSIGN!!!!
They both run
Ripples appear in the sand following Kuja and Cloud
Kuja: SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIIIIT!!!
Cloud: STOP!!!
They stop
Cloud takes a sake bottle out
Kuja: Where'd you get that?
Cloud: Never look a gift horse in the foot.
Cloud throws it in the other direction
With a thunk it lands and the ripple goes toward it
Cloud: I wish I could have drank it though........
The worm appears under it
The sake bottle goes under the sand
Cloud: HUH????
Kuja: ....?
Cloud: They're supposed to appear and devour anything and everything!!!
The sake bottle emerges empty
A belch is heard
Kuja: ....Kuja Kuja think Shai-Hulud is drunk of his ass.
Cloud: WRONG FIC!!!
Cloud hits Kuja....but this caused a vibration causing the sandworm to come toward them
Kuja: Nice going, Dumbass!
Cloud: If you weren't so retarded I wouldn't have had to hit you!
The sandworm emerges...only it isn't a sandworm, it's Dexter Holland
Cloud: Dex! What're you doing here? I thought you were with Arisa the Succubus!
Dexter: Taxes came and....she couldn't afford to feed two people. As a slave I couldn't be paid anything...So, I'm FREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kuja: What was with the sandworm bit?
Dexter: I wanted booze.
Cloud: Dexter, would you help us again?
Dexter: What is it?
Kuja: A-Ko has been kidnapped!
Dexter thinks hard which IS hard
Dexter: ..........
Cloud and Kuja: ....................
Dexter: ..................
Cloud: It's been 3 1/2 hours! Are you going to decide?
Dexter: Huh? Decide what?
Cloud clenches his teeth
Cloud: Whether or not you will help us save A-Ko!
Dexter: Oh, sure! ......As long as I get paid...
Kuja: Well, what'd'ya want?
Dexter: Sex.
Kuja: Can't help you there. I'm a dude.
Dexter: Porn, then.
Kuja: That, I CAN help you with.
Dexter: Got any....under 18?
Kuja: Of course not! Don't be such a perverted assho--come over here...
They walk off
Cloud: ???
They return and Dexter has a big smile on his face
Cloud: ???????????????????
Dexter: Let's GOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah-heh!!!!!
They continue their trek
Dexter: Where is Kile?
Cloud: At his talk show. Which should end soon.
Kuja: ...WAAAAAAAAAIT!!!!!!!! animemaster works there, right?
Cloud: Yeah...YEAH!
Kuja: That's where he should be!
Cloud: Then that's where we'll go!
Kuja: .......If we knew where we were.
Cloud: Yeah.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
AT THE SPIRIT SHOW
Kile is sitting next to a moniter showing the heroes
Kile: This is a lark.
ragnarock: "Lark?"
Kile: Yes, "lark."
Tenchey: Has anyone seen animemaster?
Kile: Oh, sure! Plenty of times!
ragnarock: He means recently...
Kile: Oh. No.
Kile's face is overcome by shadows and his voice becomes raspy, like Grey
Kile: animemaster has vanished. The Bene Tleilax are behind it. And I will not stop until I....
Kile becomes cheerful again
Kile: Until I can get an orange soda!
All but Kile fall over anime style
Tenchey: Or is it "Tenchey Stlye?"
Kile: Ah, so now you advertise on my time! No Card Captor Sakura hentai for a week!
Tenchey: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tenchey explodes
All is silent
Tenchey comes in through the door
Tenchey: 'Sup?
ragnarock: Uhhhhhhhh.........Let's just watch the morons.
Everyone looks at Kile
Kile: HEY!!! He said it in plural so he meant Dex, Cloud, and Kuja!
ALL: Ooooohhhhhh..........
They all look at the moniter
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
WITH DEX, CLOUD, AND KUJA
Kuja: I think my ass exploded.
Cloud: Why the hell did you just say that?
Kuja: I thought I'd lighten the mood.
Dexter: Look! Up ahead!
An elevator is up ahead
They run over to it
Cloud: What is an elevator doing in a desert?
Kuja: Never look a--
Kuja and Cloud: ---gift horse in the foot.
Cloud: I know. I know.
They enter the elevator
Kuja: Press a button.
There are 5 buttons, 4 are Down and 1 is Up, but it was forcibly removed
Cloud presses down
They appear in an inferno
Dexter: What the hell?
The Devil wearing a fleece jacket jumps out of nowhere
Satan: That's right! Let me see....Kuja Tribal...
Satan looks in a book
Satan: According to this you've murdered countless and are pure evil.
Kuja: I do my best.
Satan: You're staying in the Underworld. Cloud......This says you are a perverted bastard. You're staying in the Underworld.
Satan flips through the book
Satan: Dexter Holland......you can go.
Cloud: WHAT??????????
The three leave
Cloud: That was weird
Kuja: I'm not taking THAT elevator anymore.
Dexter: Why don't we try this?
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
AT THE SET
Kile: Try what?
Kuja, Cloud, and Dexter climb out of the moniter
Kile: Bloody Hells?
Kuja: I don't know why that worked.
Dexter: Never look a gift hors--Oh, well, you know..........
Cloud: Where is animemaster?
Kile: That's what I wanna know. He told us that frequency for the monitor then left....with the porn! I'll get him for taking my Love Hina hentai!
Crappy Final Fantays II message box: Kile joins the party!
They leave the set
Cloud: Where to?
A space craft falls down and Grey jumps out of it
Grey: DAMN!!!!!!! Kile?
Kile: Hey, Grey!
Grey: Dude? WASSUP?????!!!!
Kile: WASSUP?????!!!!!!
Grey: WWWWAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUUPP???????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Scary Movie killer comes out of nowhere
Killer: WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP??????????????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He leaves
Grey: Dude--
animemaster: Dude.
Kile: Will you help us find anime.....mast...er?
animemaster leaves just as mysteriously as he came
Grey: Dude! There he went!
They board the "Kile Terro" (Don't know what that is? Read Dead End Stars!)
They fly off
ragnarock: I thought you were a serious character, Grey?
Grey: We are all just marionettes...
Kile: Then where's Lime, Cherry, and Bloodberry?
Grey: Marionettes...not Sabre Marionettes.
Tenchey: Coming soon! Sabre Marionettes X!
Grey: Shut up or I will stab you all with my stick.
ragnarock: We're dudes.
Grey: I mean my Kendo Stick, asslicker!
ragnarock: What a grouch.
Grey: F*** off.
ALL: .......................
They reach a big castle on a dark mountain
Kile: animemaster's Keep....
ragnarock: Home of the mad kidnapper....
Tenchey: He made off with A-Ko! That's all! ONCE!!! He did it ONCE!!!
Kile: Don't listen to him!! He's still under the cactus's powers!
Tenchey: What ARE you talking about?! What cactus??!!
Kile: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kile tackles Tenchey
ragnarock: Kile? He...he has a good point....what cactus?
Kile stops beating up Tenchey
Kile: Whoops....wrong story....I was wondering why none of you were calling me Gene.
Kile puts his hand on Grey's shoulder
Kile: Let's go, Melphena.
Grey: Call me that again and I will remove your larynx.
Kile: Please don't! I need that to go to the bathroom!
Grey: Stupid.....Your larynx is what allows you to speak....
Kile: I know!
Grey: ??????????????????????
They land in front of the castle
Kile: Kiros, Ward, let's move out!
Kile gets out and falls over screaming and flailing making explosion sounds
Kile: BUBBA!!!! Dey gots m' legs!! Dey goots me leeeeegs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Grey: Stupid....
Kile drags himself over to Grey and grabs hold of him
Kile: Tell yer girlfrien' I won't be comin' aftah dark no mo'...
Grey: THAT WAS YOU????!!!!
Kile: *Cough* *Cough* You shoulda seen that mouse I hit. *Cough* *Cough*
Kile passes (?) out
Grey: It was "Moose" not "mouse."
Kile jumps up and moonwalks into the castle doing the Michael Jackson yells
Cloud: Kile gets weirder everyday.......
Grey: Ack, Kile germs....
Grey dusts off his grey jacket and follows Kile
Everyone follows
They enter
Kile: Now this looks a job for me so everyobody just follow me, 'cause we need a little Kile Terro, see? 'Cause if feels so empty without KT!
Grey: Shut up, perv.
Kile: Did you know 16 year old porn is legal in Holland.
Noone listens to Kile and they all pass him
Kile follows, lagging behind
They traverse down the dark, dingy corridors
Light music is heard
Cloud: Shh! Do you hear that?
Kile: Egads! It sounds like--!!!!
Kile hops up and down happily
They near the origin of the music and they hear someone singing...
???: I don't know.....if I care...I'm the jerk. LIFE'S NOT FAIR!!! Fighting all the time...this is out of line...SHE LOVES ME NOT!!! LOVES ME NOT!!!!!!
Kile: It's Jacoby Shaddix! AKA Coby Dick!
Kuja: Who?
Kile: From Papa Roach! One of the best rock bands ever! They just recently released their second album. Their last was from 2000.
Kile begins to sound like an announcer
Kile: Now available....INFEST and lovehatetragedy. Located wherever decent music is sold...
Kile goes back to normal
Kile: "Walking Thru Barbed Wire" is cool...
Kuja: Kile? Do you mind?
Jacoby: What are you doing here?
Kuja: Looking for animemaster.
Jacoby: No, I mean "What are you doing here?"
Jacoby points at Tenchey who is groping Videl
ALL: ............
Videl picks Tenchey up, spins him over her head, and tosses him out of a convenietly placed window
Kile looks out of the window
Kile: YO, TENCH!
Sasami transforms into Pretty Sammy and flies to Tenchey's rescue
She puts him back inside, in front of the group
She reverts back to Sasami
Sasami: I earned a night of fun, Kile!
Sasami clutches Kile
Kile: Why me???
Sasami: I like monkey people!
Kile: Then take Tenchey!
Sasami: He's not a monkey person!
Kile: Yes, he is!
Kile pants Tenchey
Sasami sees Tenchey's tail
Sasami: He's a monkey!
Sasami dives onto the pantsless Tenchey
They fall out that conveniently placed window
Kile jumps out the window
Jacoby: What does this have to do anything?
Cloud sits down against the wall and smokes
Cloud: Jes' killin' time..........
4 hours, 39 minutes, and 25 seconds later
Kile comes crawling in through the window
Tenchey and Sasami are already inside
Tenchey: Why the heck did you jump out the window 7349 times?
Kile: Seemed like a--
Kile and Cloud: --good idea at the time...
Cloud: We know. We know.....
Jacoby: ...Are you going to continue your search?
Kile: ......
Grey appears out of nowhere with shaggy hair, covering his Ears and part of his eyes and a beige shirt
Kile: Grey? Where've you been?
Beige: I'm not Grey. I'm Beige.
ALL: ...........Riiiiiiight..............
They press onward, with two new recruits: Sasami and Jacoby
Beige walks alongside Jacoby, then after a moment, Sasami, then Dexter
Beige walks ahead of everyone
Jacoby puts his hand is his pocket
Jacoby: !!! My wallet's gone!
Sasami checks her clothes
Sasami: My Kile pic is gone!
Kile: Your what????
Dexter searches himself
Dexter: He took the bling-bling!
Kile: The bling-bling?
Dexter: Da bling-bling, foo'.
Kile: Damn pickpocket!
They run the way Beige did
They find their stuff on the floor
Beige comes from an adjacent corridor with longer hair and a tan shirt
Kile: Damn you, Beige!
Tan: I'm not Beige! I'm Tan!
ALL: ...........
Jacoby: I'm startin' to get tired of this Mofo.
They continue
Tan marches happily
He falls through a trap door
Dexter: What's with this guy? Damn, it's been a while since I had a line.
They continue forth without going back for him
Kile: The poor little bugger
Mini-Me comes out of nowhere and punches Kile, then runs away
Jacoby: What the hell?
Smoke envelopes Kile quickly
It clears, showing Kile to be much shorter and super distorted
Dexter: Weird...
Chibi Kile: !!! Damn you, Mini-Me!
They continue their trek, with Kile STILL Chibi
Tan comes out of nowhere again with even longer hair and a Green shirt
Chibi Kile: Green? I presume?
Green: Yeah. How'd you know?
Green: After calculating the perimeter of this castle, I've located the room animemaster is in.
ALL: HALLELUJAH!!!
Chibi Kile jumps up happily
Chibi Kile: Little Mofo!
They walk through the door right next to them
animemaster is in the middle of the room, passed out
Green: He dead?
Dexter checks
Dexter: No, just had the hell beaten outta him.
animemaster stands
animemaster yells and a yellow aura surrounds him and his black Heero Yuy hair spikes up blonde
SSJ animemaster: You'll pay!
Chibi Kile: The bastard isn't even a Saiya-jinn!
SSJ animemaster punches Chibi Kile through a wall
Green glows grey
The room is filled with a blinding grey light
When it clears, Grey is standing there with Radditz-like red hair, machines attached to his grey jacket, and mechanical wings
Grey launches an all out offensive
Jacoby and Dexter provide the vocals while Kuja plays drums, Cloud plays bass, and ragnarock plays guitar
Sasami is checking on Chibi Kile
Kalabora is dancing in his own mosh pit with Tenchey
Tenchey: Stop hitting me!
Kalabora hands him a dictionary
Tenchey reads the definition of a mosh pit
Tenchey: MOSH PIT: A dropoff infront of a stage where white guys beat the *sheet* outta each other to rock music and call it dancing.
Jacoby: Biological, spiritual, electrical, digital....S.I.D.!!!!!
Dexter: Kile, Sasami really wants to Fffffffff************* YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Grey continues attacking SSJ animemaster but nothing works
SSJ animemaster fires at him with a "Garlic Gun"
Grey falls to the ground
Chibi Kile steps forward
Chibi Kile: I will fight.
Tenchey: But you're so.....tiny.
Sasami looks at Chibi Kile
Sasami: Did....."it" shrink?
Chibi Kile slaps his head and smoke surrounds him again
He's normal Kile
Kile: Hey, it worked.
Kile gets a serious expression
Kile glows white and strong winds surround him
Tenchey: CORIOLIS WINDS????????????
When the glow disappears, Kile is wearing a long tunic like body clothes, a metal armor that guards his shoulder, it has a large tuft of cloth around the neck hole the keep it from cutting the neck, he has a Cloud like waist guard, keeping his tunic together, his hair is as long as Sephiroth, but still in the thick spikes
Kile steps forward, his shoulders squared, and with his back in a slight backward arch
Kile: My day job....Enigma.....The Savior of the Karan!!!!!!!!
Kile unleashes his own energy attack, the Red Flare
All is red
The red disappears and animemaster is gone and Kile is normal Kile
He turns around, his face stony and hateful
Kile: I......
He becomes cheerful
Kile: --Gotta get some orange soda!
Everyone falls over anime style
Tenchey: Or is it "Tenchey Style?"
They, for no damn good reason are all back at Kile's appartment, cutting Grey Phoenix's hair
Grey Phoenix: I gotta have a good fight!
The hair is cut to Green's length
Green: No! I have experiments!
The hair is cut to Tan's length
Tan: Ah, I'm gonna go play a video game, instead.
The hair is cut to Beige's length
Beige: Why not steal one?
The hair is cut to Grey's length
Kile: Look, Grey, you're all pretty again!
Kile laughs his head off
Grey growls, then rips out Kile's larynx
Kile grows wide eyed, looks at his empty orange soda can, and hops up and down with his legs crossed
Grey: What's with him?
Kile writes something quick and gives it to him
Grey: It says "I need my larynx to go to the bathroom! The door is hooked up with VOICE RECOGNITION!!!!!"
Kile is hopping around the apartment and sits down on the couch and let's out a barely audible sigh
Grey: .......................Do I need to get a cow?
ALL: ?????
animemaster enters wearing a cow costume
He does the monkey dance (Like Jonny Bravo)
animemaster: Do the cow dance, c'mon!
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
TO BE CONTINUED (A HINT)
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
PS- Three hours later, Kile's larynx was put back by Dr. Cobalt.