A/N: I've gotten some nice reviews so far. You might have to wait a bit
longer for the next chapter though; I know where I want to go with this,
just…not quite sure how to get there (story of my life). This is going to
be a bit longer than I originally thought, and there most likely _will_ be
a sequel; from Daisuke's perspective this time (remember what I said about
my intentions? -_-;).
This is a slightly boring, but entirely necessary chapter.
Warnings: Angst, discussion of disturbing subjects.
Trust and Kindness
Chapter 2 - Temporary Resolution
"All of my darkest fantasies were…_are_ projected onto you."
We're sitting together on his bed; we came straight here from the digital world.
"Right from the beginning, from when I captured you, I started to imagine doing things to you." Daisuke blushes at this, most likely remembering the things I said before. "It didn't matter much to me then; you were my nemesis, you were a threat to me, and I was furious with you."
"But," he interrupts "Why would you want to do…_that_ to me?"
"Rape, you mean?" He nods. "Rape doesn't have anything to do with love or lust. The word in itself means 'to seize'; it's about power, and, for me, about causing pain. You were the first I ever thought about doing that to, though." I see the fear creep back into his eyes, though he's trying not to show it. "Don't worry; just because I think about these things, doesn't mean I'll do them. I have pretty good control over myself, all things considered; usually the first act of violence against a person scares me enough to snap out of it."
"What if one day it's not?"
I can't answer that. That's the thing that scares me more than anything; loosing control permanently.
"Ken?"
"If that happens…" I start, grasping for words, for an answer. "If that happens, I'll be too far gone to come back. I would rather die than be that way! Even if I were stopped and put somewhere where I couldn't hurt anyone, I'd rather die!"
Daisuke laughs nervously. "Hey, don't ask me to kill you or anything; I don't think I could deal with that."
"No, I'll do it myself if I think it's coming to that."
"Don't talk like that!" He cried, grabbing my arms. "I don't want to hear it! I don't want you to think like that!" His grip is painful.
"But I do. Don't you understand yet? I can't stop, no matter how hard I try." I close my eyes, but I can feel his looking at me sadly. "Things like this; killing myself, killing others…I can be passing a cutlery display in a store and it will occur to me how easy it would be to pick up one of the knives and stab the person next to me."
"Just promise me one thing, okay?" he says, letting go. "Promise me that if you think it's going to come to that, you'll talk to me first."
"Alright."
"Say it. You have to _promise_." I look at him.
"I promise. I'll come to you first, if I think I'm loosing it."
"Okay." He smiles weakly.
"So anger's what makes you snap, right?" He asks.
"I internalize stress and frustration," I reply. "When it builds up too much, it only takes a little anger to set it off."
"But you weren't angry with _me_, were you?"
"I was trying to drive you away. I let some of it out on purpose; but it got away from me a little more than I intended."
"You mean when you went Kaizer on me."
"Yes."
"So you were pretty much in control right then; I wasn't really in any danger from you."
"I might have hit you or thrown something at you, but other than that I don't think so."
"Y'know, when I get mad I yell a lot; I curse and scream and say things I don't mean and get all my feelings out. It feels great, really; letting it all out like that, the only problem is, it usually gets me in trouble; so when I start to get upset I go out an practice soccer, or I just run, and I throw all of my anger into that. That doesn't mean that I don't still blow up sometimes, but it doesn't happen as much. You can join me whenever you want, or just call up and invite _me_ to join _you_."
I smile.
"I think I will.
"But, Daisuke…that doesn't change the things I think about, fantasize about…"
"I know," he says, nodding. "But it's one thing you can do."
This is a slightly boring, but entirely necessary chapter.
Warnings: Angst, discussion of disturbing subjects.
Trust and Kindness
Chapter 2 - Temporary Resolution
"All of my darkest fantasies were…_are_ projected onto you."
We're sitting together on his bed; we came straight here from the digital world.
"Right from the beginning, from when I captured you, I started to imagine doing things to you." Daisuke blushes at this, most likely remembering the things I said before. "It didn't matter much to me then; you were my nemesis, you were a threat to me, and I was furious with you."
"But," he interrupts "Why would you want to do…_that_ to me?"
"Rape, you mean?" He nods. "Rape doesn't have anything to do with love or lust. The word in itself means 'to seize'; it's about power, and, for me, about causing pain. You were the first I ever thought about doing that to, though." I see the fear creep back into his eyes, though he's trying not to show it. "Don't worry; just because I think about these things, doesn't mean I'll do them. I have pretty good control over myself, all things considered; usually the first act of violence against a person scares me enough to snap out of it."
"What if one day it's not?"
I can't answer that. That's the thing that scares me more than anything; loosing control permanently.
"Ken?"
"If that happens…" I start, grasping for words, for an answer. "If that happens, I'll be too far gone to come back. I would rather die than be that way! Even if I were stopped and put somewhere where I couldn't hurt anyone, I'd rather die!"
Daisuke laughs nervously. "Hey, don't ask me to kill you or anything; I don't think I could deal with that."
"No, I'll do it myself if I think it's coming to that."
"Don't talk like that!" He cried, grabbing my arms. "I don't want to hear it! I don't want you to think like that!" His grip is painful.
"But I do. Don't you understand yet? I can't stop, no matter how hard I try." I close my eyes, but I can feel his looking at me sadly. "Things like this; killing myself, killing others…I can be passing a cutlery display in a store and it will occur to me how easy it would be to pick up one of the knives and stab the person next to me."
"Just promise me one thing, okay?" he says, letting go. "Promise me that if you think it's going to come to that, you'll talk to me first."
"Alright."
"Say it. You have to _promise_." I look at him.
"I promise. I'll come to you first, if I think I'm loosing it."
"Okay." He smiles weakly.
"So anger's what makes you snap, right?" He asks.
"I internalize stress and frustration," I reply. "When it builds up too much, it only takes a little anger to set it off."
"But you weren't angry with _me_, were you?"
"I was trying to drive you away. I let some of it out on purpose; but it got away from me a little more than I intended."
"You mean when you went Kaizer on me."
"Yes."
"So you were pretty much in control right then; I wasn't really in any danger from you."
"I might have hit you or thrown something at you, but other than that I don't think so."
"Y'know, when I get mad I yell a lot; I curse and scream and say things I don't mean and get all my feelings out. It feels great, really; letting it all out like that, the only problem is, it usually gets me in trouble; so when I start to get upset I go out an practice soccer, or I just run, and I throw all of my anger into that. That doesn't mean that I don't still blow up sometimes, but it doesn't happen as much. You can join me whenever you want, or just call up and invite _me_ to join _you_."
I smile.
"I think I will.
"But, Daisuke…that doesn't change the things I think about, fantasize about…"
"I know," he says, nodding. "But it's one thing you can do."