The sun (or evil yellow day moon, whichever you prefer) hoisted itself over the horizon. Snape felt something tickling him on his face, something wet.

"Probably Lucius' blasted cat," he thought, "Damn the fluffy creature."

He opened his eyes, expecting to see his familiar dormitory and hear his roommates snoring away. Lucius' tabby cat, Jasper, kneading at the foot of his bed. Much to Sevvie's disappointment he came face to face not with the kitty cat as previously stated, but a stinky, Holstein cow…and it was licking his face.

"Oh God!" he spat as he scrambled to his feet. He frantically to remove the cow spit from his face. When he saw his clothes he uttered a stream of curses that would have made a sailor blush. What a filthy mouth our Sevvie has.

"It wasn't a dream! It wasn't some sick, twisted dream. Now I'm stuck here with Potter and Black and the rest of their little Gryffindor gang! I'm going to get my revenge on that— wait, look at me. I'm talking to a cow."

With this Snape stomped off to find his nemesis whit out so much as a "farewell" to the cows.

He returned to find  Peter and Remus in a heated debate on Peter's future career.

"How about Peter Pettigrew's Pointless Pub for the Perpetually Pissed? Try and top that!"

"Peter Patrick Pettigrew's  Purple Pub for Perpetually Pissed People, Pancakes , and Portly Popes."

Snape turned away, not really caring much for alliteration contests, an evil beyond anything he knew.

***

James gone off to *ahem* relieve himself and was heading back toward the wagon train. The only sound was the chirping of songbirds and James had a song in his heart.

"Ooo heaven is a place on Earth!" he sang.

"The kingdom of heaven awaits those who are pious and good."

James froze. Someone had heard him sing…someone that shouldn't have. He searched around until he found the mysterious person. It was a man, dressed in a white suit, clutching a book in one hand and a pistol in the other. With his white hair and moustache, he had a sort of Colonel Sanders look about him. Well, there were only two things that frightened James Ryan Potter. The first was mimes. It had looked a bit silly in his first Defense Against the Dark Arts Class when a mime materialized in the middle of the classroom. Somehow it didn't quite fit in with Lily's snake, Peter's Grim Reaper, or Sirius's Dementor. The other was gun-slinging bible salesmen. Okay, it wasn't, but you have to admit it was a bit of a nasty shock to see one. James would have been fine if he had just stayed put, but no, he just had to come over.

"I'm Vincent Thomas Milton Bartlet, IV from the Church of Our Lady of Perpetual Hope in Javert, Louisiana .I'm here to preach the word of the Almighty God who reigns from heaven above with wisdom, power and love! I encourage everyone I meet to head His call of service and praise! Our God is an Awesome God."

James began to back away slowly. "Umm…I'm happy with my current religion thanks. Really, the Church of England is just peachy keen."

"Now, give me a chance here—"

Now, there was only one way to rid himself of the zealot. Run. Not walk. Run! And James did just that. Unfortunately he was followed by Mr. Bartlet. He followed James back to camp, knocking things over. Snape, who had returned, much to the disdain of the others, sat in silence as the strange scene unfolded like a travel agency map.

Sirius was having his morning coffee. Nobody and no thing came between them. James was smart enough to leap over the pot of coffee that sat nests to the fire. Mr. Bartlet was not so quick and he would suffer the consequences.

"Well—I—I'm awful sorry there. Didn't mean to spill your coffee there sir." he stuttered.

Sirius was enraged. This man, this man who looked like he'd fallen out of a KFC commercial had ruined his precious elixir of life and he was "Awful sorry." Well, that didn't cut it. Little puffs of smoke were coming out of his ears.

"You filthy mortal! You have destroyed the scared beverage of Geshom-Patt, the Chosen One of Dimeloep-Suum!" Remus shouted.

"This man is speaks blasphemy against our Leader. We shall make him pay!" James yelled, raising his fist in a revolutionary gesture.

*****

Vincent Bartlet had to have the worst luck of any man on the face of God's green Earth.

He had been walking along, minding his own business, trying to convert a pioneer or two and now he was being held hostage by six angry British children. Snape, who never missed an opportunity for some Muggle torture had tied the zealot to a tree. Lily had painted his face with a mixture of natural products and lipstick. Sirius, James, Remus, and Lily had sat atop oxen. James found a small rock wedged in his shoe and threw it, aiming for the tree where Vincent was bound.

Sirius addressed him first. "You have offended Dimeloep-Suum, the most honorable god of potatoes. We, his most faithful followers and demi-gods, must punish you greatly for this insult. I speak here with His voice for I am Geshom-Patt, the god of baked goods, the arts, and loud things that go "Boom". The grease monkey over there is his prophet Sevvie-Cowluv.

Remus cleared his throat. "I am Ogenki Desker, I am the god of dairy products, physicians, and ping-pong."

"I am the god of flight, entrepreneurs, kiosks, and door-to-door sales men. All praise me, Jester McLaper." cried James.

Vincent realized that his captors were either possessed or savages. Possibly both. They were going to sacrifice him to their god. He would die a martyr in the wilderness and later, school children would learn of him in history books and watch animated films, retelling his tragic tale. Perhaps Stephen Spielberg would make an award winning film staring Daniel Day-Lewis and Robert Duval…actually, that's not a bad thing when you look at it.

No, the Gryffindors did not sacrifice him, instead they untied him and retold the tale of Dimeloep-Suum. They commanded him to preach the Retabob, the story of the Sirius religion. They watched him walk off through the forest. The others had left for dinner leaving only Sirius alone. Sirius walked off into the sunset and he ran straight into it.

"Literary devices are evil Amanda, you know that." said Sirius, pointing an accusing finger at the sky.

Day came, and night fell and thus ended the tenth chapter.