They had reached Caradhras.
"Gandalf, it seems to me we're taking the long way around!" said Gimli, brushing snow off his beard. "I'm going insane. Why not go under the mountain?"
"Why? Because it's dark, you idiot! And I'm afraid of the dark!" said Gandalf. Pippin tittered. Gandalf whirled around. The air, which was already freezing, became hard and heavy. "Do not take me for a cheap conjurer of magic tricks – I mean, conjurer of cheap magic tricks!" thundered Gandalf. He waited a minute, his arms raised dramatically over his head, then released the spell.
"Sorry," said Pippin, abashed. "I won't forget again." Suddenly, his entire face brightened. "Hey, I know what would warm us up! Would you set off some firecrackers?"
"Yeah, maybe in your soup," muttered Gandalf.
"Oooh, goodie!" exclaimed Pippin. "Let's eat!"
Aragorn saw that Gandalf was on the brink of murder. Was Gandalf capable of murder? No, he didn't think so. He had been so gentle with Arwen.
"Here, Pippin, come walk with me a while," said Aragorn, firmly dragging the hobbit off to the side.
"Aragorn, will you give me a piggy-back ride?" asked Pippin. "I'm so cold."
"Pippin, we're all cold."
"But I'm colder. And when I'm cold I'm unhappy. And when I'm unhappy, I make other people unhappy. Then I eat something to make myself happier. But I'm still cold."
"Pippin, the love of my life is dead. You want to talk about being unhappy? Though, actually," Aragorn mused, "she does look quite lovely in death, when she isn't talking. Once I got Elrond off that damn pipeweed, I convinced him to use some of his magic to… ah, preserve her. So I can go down and visit her anytime, and she'll look just the same. Only, of course, she won't be breathing." He smiled happily. "But at least she won't be talking in that annoying voice."
Pippin didn't know what to say. What do you do to the poor dude who's been forced to make out with Liv Tyler? Pippin thought a nice, friendly gesture would be to give Aragorn a pat on the back. The problem was that he was short – he was a hobbit, after all! – and he accidentally gave Aragorn a pat on the butt.
"Pippin! What was that for?" said Aragorn, stopping short and giving Pippin an intense look of scrutiny.
"Sorry! I thought it was… an Orc," said Pippin.
"An Orc," Aragorn said flatly.
"Did I say Orc? I meant Merry."
"You tapped me on the butt because you thought I was Merry?"
"No, I mean you look very merry and handsome today."
Aragorn ran away. Pippin finally realized what he had said, and blushed a deep pink.
"Pip, what did you say to Strider? Why is he rubbing his butt like that?" asked Sam, trying to come over, but instead falling neck-deep into the snow. "Help! Help! I'm stuck in the snow!" he yelled.
The taller members of the Fellowship, after a quick debate over whether or not they should leave Sam in the snow, decided to pull him out. Sam brushed himself off and stuck his chin up in the air. Frodo tried to muffle a laugh.
Gimli glared ferociously at the entire group.
"So… shall we continue?" asked Boromir, looking at his watch.
"What the hell do you think you're doing? You don't have a watch!" screamed Gimli.
"Huh – wha?" asked Boromir, backing away. Gimli advanced on him, wielding his axe.
"Gimli, what are you doing?" asked Legolas.
"Oh, you!" said Gimli irritably, turning around and shooting a death glare at the Elf. "You think you're so great, walking on top of the snow and all that! You make me feel insecure about my weight!"
Legolas gasped. "Gimli! I would never do that to you intentionally!"
"Oh, no. Gimli has Mad Dwarf Fever," said Gandalf, shaking his head gravely.
"Is there no cure?" asked Aragorn hopefully.
"Well, there is," said Gandalf. "But it's difficult to do. He must eat a hobbit finger."
"Gandalf, you idiot!" said Aragorn, punching the wizard in the chest. "You just gave away the end of the third book!"
Gandalf glowered. "Oh, please, how about you? All the stupid foreshadowing about how much you love Arwen, who's dead? In P.J.'s movie you don't find out until Helm's Deep, but nooo, you had to jump the gun, and now everyone knows already that you're a necrophiliac!" he screamed.
"What's a necrophiliac?" asked Pippin innocently.
"Gandalf, it seems to me we're taking the long way around!" said Gimli, brushing snow off his beard. "I'm going insane. Why not go under the mountain?"
"Why? Because it's dark, you idiot! And I'm afraid of the dark!" said Gandalf. Pippin tittered. Gandalf whirled around. The air, which was already freezing, became hard and heavy. "Do not take me for a cheap conjurer of magic tricks – I mean, conjurer of cheap magic tricks!" thundered Gandalf. He waited a minute, his arms raised dramatically over his head, then released the spell.
"Sorry," said Pippin, abashed. "I won't forget again." Suddenly, his entire face brightened. "Hey, I know what would warm us up! Would you set off some firecrackers?"
"Yeah, maybe in your soup," muttered Gandalf.
"Oooh, goodie!" exclaimed Pippin. "Let's eat!"
Aragorn saw that Gandalf was on the brink of murder. Was Gandalf capable of murder? No, he didn't think so. He had been so gentle with Arwen.
"Here, Pippin, come walk with me a while," said Aragorn, firmly dragging the hobbit off to the side.
"Aragorn, will you give me a piggy-back ride?" asked Pippin. "I'm so cold."
"Pippin, we're all cold."
"But I'm colder. And when I'm cold I'm unhappy. And when I'm unhappy, I make other people unhappy. Then I eat something to make myself happier. But I'm still cold."
"Pippin, the love of my life is dead. You want to talk about being unhappy? Though, actually," Aragorn mused, "she does look quite lovely in death, when she isn't talking. Once I got Elrond off that damn pipeweed, I convinced him to use some of his magic to… ah, preserve her. So I can go down and visit her anytime, and she'll look just the same. Only, of course, she won't be breathing." He smiled happily. "But at least she won't be talking in that annoying voice."
Pippin didn't know what to say. What do you do to the poor dude who's been forced to make out with Liv Tyler? Pippin thought a nice, friendly gesture would be to give Aragorn a pat on the back. The problem was that he was short – he was a hobbit, after all! – and he accidentally gave Aragorn a pat on the butt.
"Pippin! What was that for?" said Aragorn, stopping short and giving Pippin an intense look of scrutiny.
"Sorry! I thought it was… an Orc," said Pippin.
"An Orc," Aragorn said flatly.
"Did I say Orc? I meant Merry."
"You tapped me on the butt because you thought I was Merry?"
"No, I mean you look very merry and handsome today."
Aragorn ran away. Pippin finally realized what he had said, and blushed a deep pink.
"Pip, what did you say to Strider? Why is he rubbing his butt like that?" asked Sam, trying to come over, but instead falling neck-deep into the snow. "Help! Help! I'm stuck in the snow!" he yelled.
The taller members of the Fellowship, after a quick debate over whether or not they should leave Sam in the snow, decided to pull him out. Sam brushed himself off and stuck his chin up in the air. Frodo tried to muffle a laugh.
Gimli glared ferociously at the entire group.
"So… shall we continue?" asked Boromir, looking at his watch.
"What the hell do you think you're doing? You don't have a watch!" screamed Gimli.
"Huh – wha?" asked Boromir, backing away. Gimli advanced on him, wielding his axe.
"Gimli, what are you doing?" asked Legolas.
"Oh, you!" said Gimli irritably, turning around and shooting a death glare at the Elf. "You think you're so great, walking on top of the snow and all that! You make me feel insecure about my weight!"
Legolas gasped. "Gimli! I would never do that to you intentionally!"
"Oh, no. Gimli has Mad Dwarf Fever," said Gandalf, shaking his head gravely.
"Is there no cure?" asked Aragorn hopefully.
"Well, there is," said Gandalf. "But it's difficult to do. He must eat a hobbit finger."
"Gandalf, you idiot!" said Aragorn, punching the wizard in the chest. "You just gave away the end of the third book!"
Gandalf glowered. "Oh, please, how about you? All the stupid foreshadowing about how much you love Arwen, who's dead? In P.J.'s movie you don't find out until Helm's Deep, but nooo, you had to jump the gun, and now everyone knows already that you're a necrophiliac!" he screamed.
"What's a necrophiliac?" asked Pippin innocently.