Carter woke up from his nightmare to face reality. Only to find that
the nightmare was reality. He'd fallen asleep in the ICU. He still hadn't
slept properly and it was beginning to take its toll. It didn't matter
anymore if he was awake or asleep; he still kept seeing it happen. Over and
over again. In his nightmares though it was always worse, he always lost
her for good. Then again when he was awake, he'd always think of a way he
could have stopped it from happening.
Sitting up, he took hold of Abby's hand. As he had done so many times in the past few days, he tried to think of something else but he just couldn't. Like when he had been stabbed, the moment was always there, never leaving him. He doubted it ever would.
Then:
"Why am I getting a feeling of déjà vu?" Carter said as he stepped onto the roof. When Susan had told him that Abby was on her break, he had known exactly where she'd be. Susan also admitted that she had told Abby that he knew about her drinking. Abby turned to face him for a second, then went back to looking at the view of Chicago. She took a long drag of her cigarette, exhaling slowly. "I didn't think you were on till tonight?"
"I'm not. I was looking for you."
"It's been crazy down there today. I can't wait for this shift to end."
Carter stood beside her now but still she wouldn't look at him. He sighed. "We need to talk about last night!"
"Do we have to? We could just pretend it never happened!"
"I'd love to but." He paused, "then what do we do next time?"
"What if there isn't a next time?" she asked.
"Can you promise that?"
Abby shrugged. "I don't know, Carter. I just don't know!"
"Then we need to talk about this!" he insisted.
"What do you want me to say?"
"This isn't about what I want you to say. It's about what you want to say. Just don't shut me out."
"I'm not trying to."
"We have something great, Abby. And I don't want that to end cause of something like this."
She looked up at him now, studying him for a while. "That would be your decision, wouldn't it?" She took another drag from the cigarette before tossing it away.
Carter leant against the wall. "No. It wouldn't. You're the one with the control here. I couldn't end it."
"Why not?"
Carter gently took hold of her hand. "Cause I'm desperately in love with you and can't live a moment without you."
She smiled now. "You know how we've talked bout you saying all these lame lines? You're doing it again."
Carter grinned. "Those are actually Susan's words, not mine."
"So now you're stealing lame lines?"
He nodded. "Anything for you."
Abby turned serious again. "I don't deserve you. You dealt with your own addiction and now I'm making you deal with mine."
"That's what happens when you let someone into your life. You take the good stuff along with the bad. And there's them clichés again, right?"
Abby laughed. "At least you're learning."
"So there's hope for me yet?" He pulled her into a hug and just held her for a moment. "So where do we go from here?" he asked.
"Well, if my shift was over, I'd say back to my place."
"Who says that I'd want to?" he teased.
"Me. Because you can't resist me!"
"That right?"
"And I've also been told that I have the control in this relationship."
"That might be true, but you have to work then I have to work." Carter paused. "Then there's the fact that we haven't sorted out what we were meant to be sorting out."
Abby groaned. "I know. But not now, John."
"Rough shift?"
"Yeah, this patient." Carter waited for her to continue. "I was treating him with Luka. But when I was alone with him.he was different. He told me his name was Tony, then told Luka it was Alex. His whole personality seemed to change."
"Did Luka call psych?"
"No. I think he thought I was the insane one." She sighed. "Or drunk!"
"Luka wouldn't think that."
"Wouldn't he? Anyway, this guy, Holdsworth, he began flirting with me. Then when I tried to leave the room, he grabbed my arm."
"You ok? Did he threaten you? What did Luka say?"
"I'm fine. It just scared me a bit, I guess. Luka doesn't think that there's anything wrong with him."
"But you do?"
"I don't know. I can't explain it. It's just a feeling." Abby glanced at her watch. "I'd better get back. I've been gone awhile."
"It's a good job that Weaver isn't in. And if anyone asks, just say it was my fault."
"Don't worry, I plan to." she laughed.
They started back towards the ER; Carter always hated this journey. It always reminded him of when he was stabbed. A conversation with Abby on the roof, walking back down the stairs, the party and then.
"What are you doing up here?"
Carter shook the thought from his mind at the sound of Abby's voice. He was surprised that they were already halfway down the stairs. He was equally surprised that they were no longer alone.
"Waiting for you. You left me. When you didn't come back, I went looking for you and followed you up here."
Carter placed a hand on Abby's back. She turned to him. "This is Tony."
"So this is your boyfriend?" Holdsworth took a step towards them. "You left me, to whore about with him?"
Carter moved closer to Abby. "Hey. How about we all go back down to the ER and."
"If you want to go, then go. But I need to talk to my nurse!"
"I'm not going anywhere. Not without her."
"Carter, go!" Abby pleaded.
"No!"
"Just get out of here."
For a second, Carter considered going to get help, but he knew that he couldn't leave her. "No, I'm staying. He can talk to you with me here."
"I can, but I don't want to!"
Suddenly, he lunged at Carter, grabbing him by the shirt and slamming him against the wall.
"Leave him. Please!" Abby begged.
Holdsworth threw him against the wall again. Carter recovered and threw a punch at Holdsworth. With the pain in his back though and him still being in shock by the sudden attack, there was no real power behind it. Holdsworth just laughed. "My turn!"
That was when time had slowed down for Carter. It must have only taken seconds but then, and now as it played over in his head, it took forever. He remembers Holdsworth pulling back his fist ready to strike. Then Abby trying to stop him. Holdsworth pushing her away, her losing her balance and slipping, falling. And then he hears her cry out. That small moment haunts him. All the time. He couldn't stop it from happening. He could only watch. Watch as she fell; watch as Holdsworth escaped; and now whenever he closed his eyes, he could only watch it happen again and again.
Sitting up, he took hold of Abby's hand. As he had done so many times in the past few days, he tried to think of something else but he just couldn't. Like when he had been stabbed, the moment was always there, never leaving him. He doubted it ever would.
Then:
"Why am I getting a feeling of déjà vu?" Carter said as he stepped onto the roof. When Susan had told him that Abby was on her break, he had known exactly where she'd be. Susan also admitted that she had told Abby that he knew about her drinking. Abby turned to face him for a second, then went back to looking at the view of Chicago. She took a long drag of her cigarette, exhaling slowly. "I didn't think you were on till tonight?"
"I'm not. I was looking for you."
"It's been crazy down there today. I can't wait for this shift to end."
Carter stood beside her now but still she wouldn't look at him. He sighed. "We need to talk about last night!"
"Do we have to? We could just pretend it never happened!"
"I'd love to but." He paused, "then what do we do next time?"
"What if there isn't a next time?" she asked.
"Can you promise that?"
Abby shrugged. "I don't know, Carter. I just don't know!"
"Then we need to talk about this!" he insisted.
"What do you want me to say?"
"This isn't about what I want you to say. It's about what you want to say. Just don't shut me out."
"I'm not trying to."
"We have something great, Abby. And I don't want that to end cause of something like this."
She looked up at him now, studying him for a while. "That would be your decision, wouldn't it?" She took another drag from the cigarette before tossing it away.
Carter leant against the wall. "No. It wouldn't. You're the one with the control here. I couldn't end it."
"Why not?"
Carter gently took hold of her hand. "Cause I'm desperately in love with you and can't live a moment without you."
She smiled now. "You know how we've talked bout you saying all these lame lines? You're doing it again."
Carter grinned. "Those are actually Susan's words, not mine."
"So now you're stealing lame lines?"
He nodded. "Anything for you."
Abby turned serious again. "I don't deserve you. You dealt with your own addiction and now I'm making you deal with mine."
"That's what happens when you let someone into your life. You take the good stuff along with the bad. And there's them clichés again, right?"
Abby laughed. "At least you're learning."
"So there's hope for me yet?" He pulled her into a hug and just held her for a moment. "So where do we go from here?" he asked.
"Well, if my shift was over, I'd say back to my place."
"Who says that I'd want to?" he teased.
"Me. Because you can't resist me!"
"That right?"
"And I've also been told that I have the control in this relationship."
"That might be true, but you have to work then I have to work." Carter paused. "Then there's the fact that we haven't sorted out what we were meant to be sorting out."
Abby groaned. "I know. But not now, John."
"Rough shift?"
"Yeah, this patient." Carter waited for her to continue. "I was treating him with Luka. But when I was alone with him.he was different. He told me his name was Tony, then told Luka it was Alex. His whole personality seemed to change."
"Did Luka call psych?"
"No. I think he thought I was the insane one." She sighed. "Or drunk!"
"Luka wouldn't think that."
"Wouldn't he? Anyway, this guy, Holdsworth, he began flirting with me. Then when I tried to leave the room, he grabbed my arm."
"You ok? Did he threaten you? What did Luka say?"
"I'm fine. It just scared me a bit, I guess. Luka doesn't think that there's anything wrong with him."
"But you do?"
"I don't know. I can't explain it. It's just a feeling." Abby glanced at her watch. "I'd better get back. I've been gone awhile."
"It's a good job that Weaver isn't in. And if anyone asks, just say it was my fault."
"Don't worry, I plan to." she laughed.
They started back towards the ER; Carter always hated this journey. It always reminded him of when he was stabbed. A conversation with Abby on the roof, walking back down the stairs, the party and then.
"What are you doing up here?"
Carter shook the thought from his mind at the sound of Abby's voice. He was surprised that they were already halfway down the stairs. He was equally surprised that they were no longer alone.
"Waiting for you. You left me. When you didn't come back, I went looking for you and followed you up here."
Carter placed a hand on Abby's back. She turned to him. "This is Tony."
"So this is your boyfriend?" Holdsworth took a step towards them. "You left me, to whore about with him?"
Carter moved closer to Abby. "Hey. How about we all go back down to the ER and."
"If you want to go, then go. But I need to talk to my nurse!"
"I'm not going anywhere. Not without her."
"Carter, go!" Abby pleaded.
"No!"
"Just get out of here."
For a second, Carter considered going to get help, but he knew that he couldn't leave her. "No, I'm staying. He can talk to you with me here."
"I can, but I don't want to!"
Suddenly, he lunged at Carter, grabbing him by the shirt and slamming him against the wall.
"Leave him. Please!" Abby begged.
Holdsworth threw him against the wall again. Carter recovered and threw a punch at Holdsworth. With the pain in his back though and him still being in shock by the sudden attack, there was no real power behind it. Holdsworth just laughed. "My turn!"
That was when time had slowed down for Carter. It must have only taken seconds but then, and now as it played over in his head, it took forever. He remembers Holdsworth pulling back his fist ready to strike. Then Abby trying to stop him. Holdsworth pushing her away, her losing her balance and slipping, falling. And then he hears her cry out. That small moment haunts him. All the time. He couldn't stop it from happening. He could only watch. Watch as she fell; watch as Holdsworth escaped; and now whenever he closed his eyes, he could only watch it happen again and again.