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Laverne: This is all YOUR fault, Bernard.
Dr. Fred: Children- I give you… the CHRON-O-JOHN!
::Bernard, Laverne and Hoagie all peek out of the windows of their respective port-a-potty portals.::
Dr. Fred: Isn't it beautiful? My greatest invention… the academy called me crazy! They called me insane! They called me COLLECT! "Save a buck or two" my little green-
Bernard: Doctor Fred, why are we in these portable toilets again?
Dr. Fred: Don't you understand, boy? The three of you must travel back in time to turn off the machine before that pesky tentacle can drink that toxic sludge and take over the world!
Hoagie: Never thought I'd have to hear someone say THAT again.
Laverne: Can't we just send Bernard? I mean, he IS responsible for the imminent destruction of mankind…
Hoagie: Never thought I'd have to hear someone say THAT again.
Dr. Fred: Excellent point, young lady, but you must all go- to increase the chances that one of you will make it there alive!
Hoagie: Well, why don't YOU go? It IS your funky-looking pet.
Dr. Fred: Nonsense! I'm the only one here with the awesome brainpower required to operate the time machine!
Laverne: Doctor Fred, it's just a stripped Buick with a diamond and a lever attached.
Dr. Fred: That's what they all said… but it's actually very complicated, and I'dexplainitsoperationtoyouiftherewasanyhopeofyourtinyunevolvedmindsofeverunderstandingitnowlet'sGOalready!
::Dr. Fred prepares to throw the switch…::
Bernard: Wait!
Dr. Fred: OH, WHAT IS IT?
Bernard: Umm… have any people ever been… hurt in this thing?
Dr. Fred: Of course not!
::Bernard, Laverne, and Hoagie breathe a collective sigh of relief::
Dr. Fred: This is the first time I've ever tried it on people!
Laverne and Hoagie: WHAT?
::SWITCH!::

Hoagie: Bernard, float over here so I can punch you.
::After the shock of being folded up, crumpled, and ripped apart like a telephone book in the hands of Janet Reno by the circuits of time, the three unfortunate undergrads had stumbled to the windows of their johns to take a look at the strange goings-on outside them…::
Bernard: Where are we?
::The three toilets seem to hover ethereally as they zip through the hypnotic portals of time- a lovely blue-and-black circular décor, rife with floating eyeballs, mathematical equations, and other strange floating objects.::
Laverne: This must be that Woodstock place Mom and Dad were always talking about.
::A cat with a white stripe painted down its back flies past for no apparent reason, followed by a ticking watch::
Hoagie: What could it all mean? I've had acid trips more coherent than this.
Bernard: I don't know…
::An old lady in a rotating chair flies past::
Old Lady In A Rotating Chair: TEEheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee!
Bernard: I don't WANT to know…
Laverne: Thanks a lot, Bernard. We're probably not going to live to see yesterday.
::a Purple-Tentacle-looking-thing with a long white beard wielding a ray gun floats by::
Purple-Tentacle-looking-thing with a long white beard wielding a ray gun: Ha ha ha… die, DIE!
Laverne: See?
Bernard: Now, now… I'm sure Dr. Fred wouldn't have done this if it weren't safe. I mean, after all, he IS a doctor…

Dr. Fred: IT WORKED! I can't BELIEVE IT! Those fools said imitation diamond wasn't good enough… but who's crazy NOW? Who's MAD NOW!?
::He is. The "diamond" at the heart of the machine decides to take this rather inappropriate moment to shatter in its hold, thus ensuring that we have enough of a plotline to justify our budget.::
Dr. Fred: Uh-oh…
::SWITCH::
Dr. Fred: Ooh, those lawsuits are going to be nasty… where's that meteor when you need it?

::With the power source gone, the Chron-o-Johns go haywire within the circuits of time! Our heroes are careening through the fifth dimension at Ludicrous Speed! Hurtling towards their certain doom!! Exclamation points cannot do justice to the situation our heroes are in, but we're using them anyway!!! Look at them!!!! Accept them before they destrooooyyy you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!-::

(The writers responsible for the excessive exclamation points have been sacked. We apologize for any heart attacks caused by the worldwide panic sure to be caused by such a display of shock and punctuation horror. We now return you to your regularly scheduled disaster.
~The Management)

::Okay. Johns. Haywire. Careening. Doom. Action!::
Bernard: WAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!
Laverne: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!
Hoagie: GNARLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
::The tunnel splits in three, each john ever-so-conveniently going down one of them.::
Bernard: Oh, Einstein, what should I do?
Laverne: I can't believe I won't even outlive HOAGIE…
Hoagie: Mauna Loa, eat your heart out! WOOOOOHOO!
::Oh, but where will these hapless half-wits end up? Find out after this short break!::

Gary Pinhead: This just in- the Froofroo Diamond has been stolen- I repeat, the famous Froofroo Diamond, the less famous cousin of the Hopeless Diamond and the Klopman Diamond, has been stolen. Reports from the scene indicate that the priceless artifact has been stolen by a giant squid, as evidenced by the suction marks left by the culprit. We'll have a composite sketch for you later, but for now, the LAPD has ordered the closing of all seafood restaurants until the diamond is found. We'll have more for you at 11:00.