Attention readers

-6-

Attention readers: Due to unauthorized interference with the plotline, our original narrator has been sacked. Now, his replacement.
Joe Leahy: Hello, viewers! I have work again. Isn't that grand?
Okay, Joe. Let's pick up from where Mitch left off.

Joe Leahy: With plans firmly in hand, our hero, Hoagie, goes off in search of Red Edison to-
Wait, wait. You're doing it wrong, Joe.
Joe Leahy: What? What do you mean?
You're not a character in the story, you don't use your name. You need to use brackets. ::Like this.::
::Like this?::
Yes, that's fine. Okay, let's take it from the top.

::With plans firmly in hand, our hero, Hoagie, goes off in search of Red Edison to create a super-battery that would go good with a nice clam chowder and send him back to the present.::
Hoagie: ::wondering to himself:: Why did I have to go to the past, anyway? Laverne's probably having herself a grand old time in the future, with ray guns and flying cars and everyone dressing the same shiny outfits... ::sigh::

Laverne: Don't mind me, people. I'll just be hanging around in this kumquat tree until someone decides to put me back in the story.
::Aww, poor Laverne. Maybe someone should give her a hand.::
We're watching you, Joe.
~The Management
::... right. Anyway, back to Hoagie...::

Hoagie: Okay... ::regrouping:: tentacles are taking over the world, i'm stuck in colonial times, and I need to find this Red Edison guy to get back home. Sounds like a rapidly thickening plot...
::With that, he enters ye olde mansion- where he is greeted by, of all things, a mummy. But this is no ordinary mummy, no sir... we are in the presence of the legendary Dead Cousin Ted, whose mummified form has influenced history in ways you couldn't imagine. Why, I myself owe my life to this truly wonderful man, and i'd repay the favor if he wasn't... well, dead. But that's another story.::
Hoagie: Cool, the room clerk's a mummy.
::Taking a look around, he reaches over to grab Ted.::
Hoagie: This would be cool for the band- maybe I could put him on the drums
Ted: ....
Hoagie: Aw, never mind. That wouldn't be respectful.
::How nice of him.::
Hoagie: Besides, he'd probably steal all the groupies. Wouldn't you, man?
Ted: ....
Hoagie: Not gonna say anything, huh? Vow of silence or whatever?
Ted: ...
Hoagie: That's cool. Say, mummy-dude, i'm looking for Red Edison.
Ted: ....
Hoagie: You wouldn't happen to be him, would you?
Ted: ....
Hoagie: I didn't think so. You know, that's a great hat. Totally dig the three-corner idea. Kinda piratey, y'know? All that thing needs is a skull-and-crossbones and you could rule the high seas with the best of 'em. Say, ever see that movie, "The Secret Of Monkey Island"? That Guybrush dude was a real wimpazoid, don't you think? Probably because they got that Di-crappio dude to play him. Totally heinous. You know, I know some dudes in a band who'd eat roaches for a hat like that... of course, they'd probably eat roaches anyway. Maybe with a little chocolate sauce. Anyway, they're called "Insensitive Spitoon". Ever heard of them? They're heavily inspired by the works of Moon Wolf Rocket Limbo and Limpid Harmonica. Yeah, they're a driving force in the funk punk folk polka house grunge rock scene. You hear about their drummer? You know, Hans Brickface? He doesn't have any arms, so he has to drum with his teeth. It's wicked, man. Say, know where I could get a couple of them hats, extra big? There's probably a store somewhere where you can buy them in all sots of colors- maybe they have something in a paisley... Say, how do you decide which end is the front, anyway? Or are there competing fashions of tri-corner wear, or something? That one you have on is pretty cool- you wouldn't consider parting with it, would you?
Ted: shut up...
Hoagie: What?
Ted: .......
Hoagie: No dice, eh? Well, that's cool. Let me know if you change your mind. Later, dude!
::Hoagie shrugs, and proceeds past the clock containing the path to the secret lab and up the stairs. See? I didn't clue him in like some substandard narrators do. That's why i'm such a hot commodity in the narrating field. I'm like the Kenny Loggins of the narrating world- you won't see me going and sticking my nose where it doesn't belong. It's about time I started getting paid more, too. I mean, if i'm-
Ted: shut up...
::... What was that?::
Ted: ....
::Ookay. Anyway, let's rejoin Hoagie upstairs, where he's just barged in on an important point in American history...
Betsy Ross: Grr! I told you already, i'll get to the flag NEXT! I've got to finish these tea cozies for Queen Beatrix by tonight! ::sigh:: Damn that Earlameyer... what kind of pirate steals tea cozies? ::sigh:: If I ever see that pink hat of his, i'll-
Hoagie: Whoa there, take your time.
Betsy Ross: DON'T YOU DARE tell me you've got another design change for the flag.
Hoagie: .... i've got another design change for the flag.
Betsy Ross: ARRGH! What is it THIS TIME?
Hoagie: Hmm...
::A chance to personally design the country's flag? Would Hoagie truly be that irresponsible, changing history to suit his own immature desires?::
Hoagie: It should have a babe in a leather bikini, swinging a broadaxe.
::You got it, sister.::
Betsy Ross: You men... ::sigh:: At this point i'll do anything just to get it over with. Just put whatever idea you've got on the table and i'll get right to it.
Hoagie: Ooh! It'd be cool if it had a mummy on it, with a pirate hat on.
Betsy Ross: Just put it on the table.
Hoagie: Sweet.

::Hoagie waddles back down the stairs, past Ted,::
Hoagie: 'ey, Ted.
Ted:...
::and into the room behind the double-doors. Sitting at a nearby table are two rather regal-looking men. One looks like he's freezing to death, the other... looks quite familiar...::
Hoagie: If I had a nickel for every time i've seen that face...
::He walks over::
Hoagie: Hey there, tall-dark-and-spiffy, my name's Hoagie.
Thomas Jefferson: "Hoagie"? How quaint. I am, of course, Thomas Jefferson- noted scholar, musician, horseman, student of the sciences, member of the bar...
Hoagie: Weren't you on the two-dollar bill?
Thomas Jefferson: Oh, for the last time, Adams said he'd put it on his tab! No wonder why he's so obnoxious and disliked...
Hoagie: Say... has anyone ever told you you're a very snappy dresser?
Thomas Jefferson: It's my forte. I studied at Virginia Coat and Technical, where I majored in collar theory. I was even captain of the varsity cravat team!
Hoagie: I loved your work in the Declaration of Independence.
Thomas Jefferson: Really? What was your favorite part?
Hoagie: The whole thing about Prudence, actually.
Thomas Jefferson: "Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should-"
Hoagie: Yeah, that's it... but one thing, though.
Thomas Jefferson: What?
Hoagie: Who's Prudence?
Thomas Jefferson: ::sigh:: Forget it.
Hoagie: What's in the can there, Tommy?
Thomas Jefferson: It's Thomas, and this here is a time capsule. I'm going to fill it with remembrances of this time and bury it outside tonight, where nobody will see it for 400 years.
Hoagie: What's gonna be in it?
Thomas Jefferson: Well, all we have now is this log...
John Hancock: Seriously, Thomas, what are future generations g-g-g-g-going to do with a log?
Thomas Jefferson: Oh, stop your whining.
Hoagie: Hey, is that THE Constitution you have there?
Thomas Jefferson: ::sigh:: it's just A Constitution right now... we ran out of ideas already, so we've put up a suggestion box.
Hoagie: Cool. Say, what's with the guy next to you? Poor circulation or something?
John Hancock: Can't anyone tell how c-c-c-c-cold it is in here?
Hoagie: Why don't you put that log on the fire for 'im?
Thomas Jefferson: What? And ruin it for posterity?
John Hancock: MY posterity f-f-f-feels like it's made of ice!
Thomas Jefferson: There you go, always thinking about YOURSELF again...
John Hancock: ::sigh:: I b-b-bet if George "I-spent-the-winter-in-Valley-Forge" Washington were cold, we'd g-g-g-get some heat here...
Hoagie: That's an awesome blanket you got there.
John Hancock: Th-thank you- it was given to me by my dear colorblind Aunt Hattie. ::sigh::
Hoagie: Say, you wouldn't know anything about a Red Edison, would you?
John Hancock: A r-r-r-red edison? Sounds like a sandwich.
Hoagie: No, it's this guy i'm looking for.
John Hancock: N-n-nonsense. Imagine someone named after a s-s-sandwich....
Hoagie: ::sigh:: well, gotta motor.
John Hancock: You got a what?
::A frustrated Hoagie waddles his way back to the lobby::
Hoagie: Great. That Red Edison guy doesn't even live here. ::shrug:: Well, at least it's another two hundred years before that tentacle takes over the world.... It's not like this is such a bad place, either... Maybe i'll just stay here with this mummy-dude...
Ted: ... inside... clock... moron....
Hoagie: What?
Ted: .....
Voice from inside the clock: YEOWCH!
Hoagie: ... or I could go in there.

Red Edison: A left-handed hammer, what was I THINKING? ::sigh:: Now i'm going to need to invent something to stop this painful swelling... ::sigh:: I've got to figure out SOMETHING to whip up for the boys at the convention....
Hoagie: What about this?
::Coming from out of nowhere, Hoagie decides to skip the introductions and give the plans to a guy who is probably Red Edison.::
Red Edison: Oh, thank you. Now, back to your cage, monkey, before you contract something. Hmm... a super-battery, eh? Brilliant design! Sometimes I amaze myself...
::Hoagie starts to leave.::
Red Edison: Hold on there... if you could be a good boy, I still need three things for my super-battery- oil, vinegar, and some gold.
Hoagie: If I got some gold, why wouldn't I just keep it for myself?
Red Edison: Because i'll give you a reward or something for giving it to me. Now go!
Hoagie: But I want something now.
Red Edison: Ooooooh! Just- take this! ::he chucks a wooden hammer at Hoagie. It hits him square on the head, with no noticeable effect:: It's a left-handed hammer. I invented it for my ungrateful left-handed slob of a son... but looking at you, i'm sure you'll have some use for it- just don't break anything VALUABLE.
Hoagie: Umm, thanks, I guess.
::Now armed with a hammer, Hoagie sets off once again to save the world by collecting random, obscure items in an 18th century mansion. Say, that sounds like quite an idea for a game show....::

Gary Pinhead: This just in- the Froofroo Diamond has been RESCUED by a small, slimy creature identifying itself as "Purple Tentacle". Polls are already soaring in favor of Mr. Tentacle, despite some claims that a walking, talking disembodied tentacle is scientifically impossible. We'll have more for you later.

John Hancock: Ooh, I got it! Maybe we should add a rule that you can't dump sludge into the water supply!
Thomas Jefferson: Nonsense. What sort of fool would do that in the first place?
John Hancock: ::sigh:: You're right...