-7-

Bernard: We have to DO something!
Dr. Fred: What do you suggest, college-boy? No diamond for the central unit; no power for the Chron-o-johns; a monster of my own making roaming the countryside taking over the world... oh, it's a dark day for mad science! There's nothing we can do, NOTHING!
Bernard: Maybe we could just unpollute the river...
Dr. Fred: Where have you been these past four chapters? It's too late to turn off the Sludge-o-matic! Purple Tentacle has already drank the mutagen and-
Bernard: Wait, wait, wait- "Sludge-o-matic"? You mean all this machine does is produce toxic waste?
Dr. Fred: Mad scientist ettiquette, boy! Nobody can have a high-tech secret lab like this and not generate poisonous filth! It's our CODE!
Bernard: But it's stupid! It's insane! It's twisted! It's-
Dr. Fred: Mad?
Bernard: ...I see your point. Listen, Doctor, why don't we just get out there and catch Purple Tentacle? I mean, how fast can he really go?
Dr. Fred: Oh, he's long gone... probably taking over the world as we speak!

Gary Pinhead: Tentacle re-unites Van Halen! More for you at 11.

Dr. Fred: It's all over... soon we'll all be speaking... umm... well...... English, I suppose...
Bernard: Well, how about we go about fixing the time machine?
Dr. Fred: I will! But it won't work without a diamond! How do you suppose we get a rock that size, especially at this time of night?
Bernard: ... home shopping network?
Dr. Fred: You know, that could almost be considered a good idea if we had the money...
Bernard: Waaait... what about the residuals from that show they made about you and your family?
Dr. Fred: THAT load of manure? They almost made US pay THEM for airing that stinker! Ever since the meteor incident, we've had to rent our mansion out as a hotel just to make ends meet! If it weren't for Edna's exotic dancing, there wouldn't even be... wait... what DID she do with that money? ::sigh:: knowing where it's been, i'm surprised anyone took it...
Bernard: True... but didn't the computer game about you and that meteor sell millions? You should be loaded from that thing!
Dr. Fred: Yes, that was quite the lucrative affair- ::mutter::if only i'd signed that contract in time...
Bernard: Contract?
Dr. Fred: ::sigh:: I guess I should tell you... the royalty contract for the game. There it was, laid out for me in black and white... and I forgot to sign it in time. I just put it in my safe and let it rot. In fact, I think it's still there.
Bernard: We have a time machine, though...
Dr. Fred: Yes, but we can't get it to work unless we get the money for a diamond! ::sigh:: If only you were sent to the past...
::And suddenly, it hit Bernard like a sack of hamsters.::
Bernard: But.... HOAGIE'S in the past... THAT'S IT! Doctor Fred, all we have to do is get the contract out of the safe so you can sign it, then "flush" it to Hoagie and find some way for him to get it to the company on time! Then you'll have the money for the diamond, we can fix the machine, and SAVE THE WORLD!
Dr. Fred: Well, technichally, we could...
::But what goes up...::
Bernard: ::dramatic pose #44:: To the safe!
::... must come down.::
Dr. Fred: if I hadn't forgotten the combination...
Bernard: ... what?
::and it all came crashing down, like a... sack... of... umm... wet hamsters.::
Dr. Fred: ::sigh:: in my trauma, I forgot the combination to the safe.
Bernard: But that's.... that's... that's STUPID, Doctor Fred!
Dr. Fred: I know! It's given my enormous brain nightmares! Every night, I dreamed of opening the safe, finding something horrible inside, and slamming it shut again... over and over...
Bernard: What could be THAT horrible?
Dr. Fred: Most of the time it was Edna's exotic dancing...
Bernard: ::shudder:: I... see your point. ::gag:: So is that why you drink so much coffee?
Dr. Fred: I haven't slept in two years! In fact, i've almost beaten my own record!
Bernard: Well, i'm going to find some way to get us that combination!
Dr. Fred: Good luck. But this time, don't touch any keypads! There's still pieces of the mansion to clean up from the LAST time you blew up the house.
Bernard: What? That never happened!
Dr. Fred: It didn't? Are you sure?
Bernard: If I did, wouldn't we all be dead?
Dr. Fred: ... it could get better...
Bernard: ::sigh:: Well, i'm going to get to work on saving the world.
Dr. Fred: and i'll be here drinking my coffee.
Bernard: FINE.

::Searching now for a way to get to the combination of the safe, Bernard begins to search the mansion.::
Bernard: Maybe I can find a clue in Purple Tentacle's room...
::and so, he goes there. My, this is an easy job. and mother was always criticising me, saying i'd never make a living in this business. Well, guess what? I've almost made enough to move into my own apartment! How about that, mom? Huh?
Oh... back to our story.::
Bernard: Green!
Green Tentacle: Oh, hey, Bernard!
Bernard: What are you doing up here?
Green Tentacle: Well, Purple went off to take over the world, and i'm afraid of what he'll do to me if he catches me- unless Dr. Fred finds me first... um..... does that answer your question?
Bernard: Umm, yeah. Hey! Wanna help me save the world?
Green Tentacle: Are you rabid? I won't even leave this room. In fact, i'm frightened to even move from this spot! Purple scares the daylights out of me!
Bernard: What do you suppose Purple's up to now?
Green Tentacle: Well, he wants to take over the world, so I bet it's something devious.
Bernard: Conducting cryogenic experiments on small animals?
Green Tentacle: No...
Bernard: Desigining a miniturization ray?
Green Tentacle: No, I don't think so?
Bernard: Pushing old ladies down the stairs?
Green Tentacle: Well, I wouldn't doubt it, but I was thinking more along the lines of... politics!

Meanwhile, at the White House,
President Nontoonyt: AAARG! I can't BELIEVE IT!
Chief Adviser Pinto: I'm afraid it's true, Mr. President... your polls are in the toilet.
President Nontoonyt: Who? Why? HOW?
Chief Adviser Pinto: Well, it could be due to Vice-president Pond Scumley's meeting with the Taliban in that Buddhist temple while doing a line of coke and exposing himself to that intern...
President Nontoonyt: Don't we have people to cover up that sort of thing?
Cheif Adviser Pinto: We would, if he hadn't done it on live television.
President Nontoonyt: AARG!
Cheif Adviser Pinto: Did you forget your pills again?
President Nontoonyt: ... I tell you, I don't NEED those things! My heart's just- GAAACK!
Cheif Adviser Pinto: Just a second, i'll go run to the cabinet.
President Nontoonyt: You ARE the cabinet!
PR Head Cheese: ::barging in:: Mister President! Turn on the TV!
President Nontoonyt: For the last time, Mr. Cheese, I refuse to watch Dawson's Creek with you!
PR Head Cheese: No! This is what you're looking for! Watch!
::Cheese turns on the Oval Office TV::
Gary Pinhead: This just in- Purple Tentacle edges out Nelson Mandela and Jesus Christ for SLIME's Man Of The Millenium award. An unknown before tonight, Mr. Tentacle has successfully rescued the Froofroo Diamond, reunited Van Halen, solved the mystery of Stonehenge, created a super-battery that goes well with a nice clam chowder, and cured carpal tunnel syndrome all within the past few hours. The most popular man in the country, unscientific polls show that 99% of America supports Mr. Tentacle, while only 7% does not. Who knows what could be next for this incredible citizen?
President Nontoonyt: I'll tell you what's next- PINTO!
Cheif Adviser Pinto: Yes, sir?
President Nontoonyt: Bring me Purple Tentacle!

Bernard: So... how's the band doing?
Green Tentacle: Green T and the Sushi Platter? We're doing great! We've finally found our calling as a band!
Bernard: Carefully crafted melody and distinctive counterpoint?
Green Tentacle: Voulme, man, volume! We got a shot at winning a Grimey award for Loudest New Band!
Bernard: Grimey?
Green Tentacle: Yeah, it was named after some dude who electrocuted himself in a nukyaler plant.
Bernard: Nuclear.
Green Tentacle: Like I said, nukyaler.
Bernard: Did you ever find that new guitarist you were looking for?
Green Tentacle: No, but we got something even better- a guy who plays power tools! We've doubled our noise putput ever since he signed on!
Bernard: That's great!
Green Tentacle: You think so? I've got a few tracks from our new album, "Rap On The Forehead", hooked up to the stereo. Why don't you have a listen?
Bernard: Okay... ::click::
Green Tentacle: You'll like this one. It's a cover.
::Bernard walks up to the stereo speaker::
Green Tentacle: No! Not that close!
Stereo: HELLO DARKNESS MY OLD FREIND I'VE COME TO RAP WITH YOU AGAIN BECAUSE A VISION SOFTLY CREEPING F***ED ME WHILE I WAS SLEEPING AND THE VISION THAT WAS PLANTED IN MY F***ING BRAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIN!
::Ouch... it must hurt to be hurtled all the way across the room by hyperactive sound waves, as Bernard just found out...::
Green Tentacle: ... ::reaches over, turns the stereo off:: Not bad, eh?
Bernard: .... what?
Green Tentacle: I said "not bad, eh?"
Bernard: I can't hear you!
Green Tentacle: I said "not bad, eh?"
Bernard: what?
Green Tentacle: I said "not bad, eh?"
Bernard: what?
Green Tentacle: I said "not bad, eh?"
Bernard: what?