-8-

Green Tentacle: I said "not bad, eh?"
Bernard: what?
Green Tentacle: I said "not bad, eh?"
Bernard: what?
Green Tentacle: I said "not bad, eh?"
Bernard: what?
Green Tentacle: I said "not bad, eh?"
Bernard: Oh! No, that it is. Well, be seeing you!

::And so, with that pointless exchange through, Bernard exits Green's room and is filled with a sudden, inexplicable urge to go into the room next door.
Bernard: Say, maybe there's something I can use next door...
::See?::
Bernard: Hello? Anyone in there?
::Without even waiting for an answer, Bernard opens the door and barges in like he owns the place. Well, he would, if the door wasn't bolted so he could only keep it half-open. Serves him right for being so rude. Still, he's in for a show, for at this very moment, a one-man melodrama was unfurling right before the eyes of the world... okay, okay, just the security camera in the corner. Geez, try to add a little drama to these things...::
Disgruntled man sitting on the bed: Reverse 3-D glasses... the exploding lollipop... itching powder gum... Happy Fun Ball... ::sigh:: it's useless. No one will ever like my designs. So i'm ending my novelty inventing career right here in this tacky motel.
Bernard: How... appropriate?
Disgruntled man sitting on the bed: Hey, that's my line! Who's the star of this show, anyway?
Bernard: ... show?
Disgruntled man sitting on the bed: That's better. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes.
::With Bernard trapped helplessly behind the door, preventing any sort of rescue, the man raises a gun to his head.::
Disgruntled man holding a gun to his own head: And thus, with a kiss, I die.
Bernard: No! Wait!
::BANG!::
::... said the flag that unfurled from the barrel of the gun. Disappointed that yet another dramatic scene has been spoiled by the cold dark hand of reality, the man lets out a sigh that measures a 6.7 on the depression scale.::
Bernard: Gee.... you must be depressed over there.
Depressed man whose name we still have yet to discover: What clued you in, brainiac?
Bernard: The whole thing with the gun was a good tip-off.
Same guy: ::sigh:: My name is Dwayne.
::It's about time he told us.::
Dwayne: I'm a novelty goods designer by trade. But nobody likes my designs. I send them all over the world, but nobody responds. Just once, i'd like to see an acceptance letter... it'd say- "You're brilliant! What a novel design! Come to Baltimore at once!" ::sigh:: If I ever got a letter like that, why, i'd just fly right out of this room, leaving anyone to just pick up and make off with whatever useful items they found lying on the floor. ::sigh:: But who am I kidding? I'll never get off this bed. Never ever. Ever ever ever ever. Ever.
::It was about this time that Bernard came to the rather obvious realization that there would be no stopping an attack on control of the world without solving the life's problems of this washout sitting alone in this negative-star motel, so he whipped up a plan, and he whipped it up quick.::
Bernard: Why, it just so happens that.. umm... I have a letter like that for you right here!
Dwayne: I know what you're trying to do, just stop.
Bernard: "You're brilliant! What a novel design! Come to Baltimore at once!"
Dwayne: You have no idea how many times people have tried to pull that old trick on me. Just get out of here, and leave me to stew in this room filled with objects that could potentially save mankind.
Bernard: Oh, fine. I'll save the world some other way.
::Bernard shuts the door::
Dwayne: Room 2B, or not 2B? That is the question...

::Upstairs, Bernard is still searching for leads that could get him closer to a diamond or something else to save the world. He comes to- what else? Another door.::
Bernard: Well, it's worth another try...
::Bernard walks through door number 3 to find himself standing face-to-forehead with a massive man-boy, a peaceful soul in search for truth, love, and valuable additions to his stamp collection, which he holds lovingly in his hands. But, this young man's healthy puke-green skin is a dead giveaway as to his identity, as Bernard has found himself in the presence of...::
Bernard: Hey, aren't you Weird Ed Edison, the paramilitary nut? What are you doing with that stamp collection?
Weird Ed: Why, yes I- say, do I know you?
Bernard: Of course you do, i'm Bernard Bernoulli! Five years ago, I broke into your house, broke into your piggy bank, turned you against your parents...
Weird Ed: No, I can't say I do... it doesn't ring a bell. But I don't remember much about that period of time anyway. My psychotherapist thinks that something happened back then that i'm blocking out.
Bernard: Does it, perchance, have anything to do with-
Bernard's brain: NO! DON'T BRING IT UP!
Bernard: an... umm... a...
Bernard's brain: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHUT YOUR MOUTH BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! THIS GUY'S GONNA PUMMEL YOU INTO HASENPFEFFER IF HE REMEMBERS WHAT YOU DID TO HIS-
Bernard: hamster?
Bernard's brain: AAH! He said it, not me!
Weird Ed: All I know is that I used to have a cute white hamster with spots... and now I have a cute brown one, with no spots. It used to worry me... and then... the nightmares would come.
Bernard: They wouldn't somehow involve a locked safe and a contract, would they?
Weird Ed: No, no... but it doesn't matter now. I don't have those.... bad thoughts... anymore.
Bernard: Bad... thoughts?
Weird Ed: I think of what happened to my old hamster... at least, I try to. But all I can recall is a flash of light... and a horrible sound.
Bernard: Horrible... sound?
Weird Ed: Yes. I believe it went something like... "ding".
Bernard: "Ding"?
Weird Ed: Oh, yes- in fact, that's why the bell in the lobby doesn't work. For years, people would ring it... and I would just go crazy... walk down the steps and grind their tiny bones into a fine powder and removing them from the inside out before shoving their bodies into a... a... well, I don't remember, but it doesn't matter now. As long as my stamps are safe and sound, i'll be sound as a pound.
Bernard: W-well.... th-that's g-g-great... I... I think i'll go! Yes, that's a good thing. Going is good. Goodbye!
Weird Ed: Peace be with you.
Bernard: That's what i'm hoping for...
::Bernard carefully steps out of the room, and shut the door very, very, gently::
Bernard: Whew, I barely made it out of there alive! I just hope I never have to go in there again...

Laverne: .... oh, just pan to the next scene already. Stupid tree...

::Moving right along, Bernard continues his trek to do something he isn't sure how to do through the next door over.::
A scary old woman in a rotating chair: Dammit, why isn't there any action going on? Stupid novelty goods salesmen- why can't we ever get the Fabio Look-alike Association to come to this stupid motel?
::Said scary old woman is busy fiddling away at the controls of the world's most complete surveillance system- every room in the mansion can be spied on from the monitors on this gargantuan thing. Far be it from me to question the necessity of such a device in a motel that rats consider uninhabitable, but the cameras seem to do nothing more than entertain the old woman at the controls- a very familiar one, at that.::
Bernard: Excuse me-
Nurse Edna: What is it, i'm very busy! I- say, aren't you Bernard Bernoulli?
Bernard: That's my name, don't wear it out!
::Bernard smiles at his little joke::
Nurse Edna: That joke's even older than I am!
::Bernard sulks::
Nurse Edna: But yeah, you broke into this mansion five years ago to save your little friend, didn't you?
Bernard: Well, technically, she's my friend... though she still hasn't returned my calls...
Nurse Edna: I figured. So what have you come for this time?
Bernard: Well, i'm trying to keep Purple Tentacle from taking over the world.
Nurse Edna: Purple Tentacle? What a guy! I betcha they're going to make him vice-president at the rate he's going!

Gary Pinhead: Purple Tentacle named new Vice-President of the United States! More at 11.

Bernard: This is quite an array of gadgetry you have here!
Nurse Edna: Yes! It's the most advanced surveillance system in the state!
::I was close.::
Bernard: Is that a Plexus 7000 VCR?
Nurse Edna: It sure is! It's got a dual-speed tape monitor with cobalt casing!
Bernard: Wow! Zenophobe crystal-matrix monitors?
Nurse Edna: You got it! They're so clear, you can see the fleas on the bedroom walls! ... well, you COULD, but then they all boycotted the place. But you get the picture.
Bernard: Astounding! Do you think that I could take the controls for a second! I absolutely must try this machine!
Nurse Edna: Is your name Patrick Swayze?
Bernard: Well, no it isn't-
Nurse Edna: Then DON'T TOUCH!
Bernard: But if I had a look at this I could-
Nurse Edna: ::swat:: No touchee!
Bernard: But please, I could save-
Nurse Edna: ::bat:: NO TOUCHEE!
Bernard: You don't understand, I need to-
Nurse Edna: What part do you not understand? The "no", the "touch", or the "ee"?
Bernard: Well, I don't quite get the "ee"...
Nurse Edna: Back off, or i'll show you how I provide for this family!
Bernard: Yes'm!
::Bernard's hands may be tied, but his eyes certainly aren't- and those eyes scan the monitors, and he's in luck! One of the cameras is pointing right at the painting in Dr. Fred's office, hinged to the wall so that the door of the wall safe is juuuuuust showing.::
Bernard's brain: You're on to something! Keep talking!
Bernard: Umm.... say, Edna, enough about your equipment...
Nurse Edna: Yes! Let's talk about YOURS! Yeeheeheeheehee!
Bernard: Um... okay... let's not... How's Dr. Fred doing?
Nurse Edna: Well, he's still upset about the family financial situation, seeing how it's his fault and all... but he's better now that he doesn't sleepwalk anymore!
Bernard: Sleepwalk?
Nurse Edna: Yes! Why, every time he passed out, he would go to his office, open the safe, scream like a cat in the oven-
Bernard: Or a hamster in a microwave?
Nurse Edna: Exactly!

Weird Ed: .... "ding"... ::twitch::

Nurse Edna: and he'd slam the thing shut! He'd just do it over and over and over again until he woke up- something about what's in that safe really scared the bejesus out of him. I wonder what it could be?
Bernard's brain: Great Gatsby! This could be it! Keep going, dum-dum!
Bernard: Well, can't you catch the combination from here?
Nurse Edna: Believe me, i've tried, but he works it so fast that I can't see a single number!
Bernard: But isn't there something on this machine that can slow down the video feed so we can catch it?
Nurse Edna: Don't ask me, i'm still afraid to press half the buttons on this thing! Apparently John Law doesn't take too well to eavesdroppers, and I don't want to press something that will give me away.
Bernard: oh... but a machine like this must be able to do something!
Nurse Edna: Tell you what, hot stuff, if you can get him to sleep somehow, then you can come back up here and we can figure something out. Heaven knows i'd like some of that royalty money myself.
Bernard: Oh, wonderful! I'm on it! I- um, how do you think I can get him to sleep?
Nurse Edna: How am I supposed to know? Listen, after you do it, could you be a dear and get me some coffee? It's broiling in the kitchen. Make sure you get the right one, too- I only drink decaf.
Bernard: ........ decaf, eh?