-9-

Hoagie: Okay, let's see what we got here.
::200 years ago today, Hoagie completed his first run of the mansion, having collected (okay, okay, stolen) whatever random objects he could get his hands on throughout his journey and brought them outside to the Chron-o-John. Let's see what he came up with.::
Hoagie: One bottle of wine (Chateau De Cheapaux, 1775- gnarly!); a little bottle of salad oil; old-fashioned lye in a new, more convenient size; my trusty can opener; raw spaghetti, a moldy old scrub brush, and the hammer that Red guy gave me.... i'm supposed to save the world with this junk?
::Hoagie packs up his things and prepares to venture back into the mansion::
Hoagie: Well, I might as well get going- those drums aren't going to test themselves.
::Hoagie ventures back inside the mansion and back into the Hall Of Presidents, only to take notice of the regal-looking figure standing in front of the picture window, puffing a cigar::
Hoagie: How'd I miss that guy before?
John Hancock: Maybe b-b-b-because your eyes are f-frozen shut from the b-b-b-bitter cold in here?
Thomas Jefferson: Nice try, Frosty.
::So, petty squabbling aside, Hoagie approaches said figure, who turns out to be none other than-::
Hoagie: WHOA! You're like- George Washington!
George Washington: Very much like him, according to my wife, Mrs. Washington.
Hoagie: Hey, can I get your autograph?
George Washington: What, that old thing outside? If you can wash it, it's yours.
Hoagie: No, no, I mean, like, your signature. I'd love to have the calling card of the dude who iced the British.
John Hancock: PLEASE don't say "iced"! It's so c-c-cold...
George Washington: Cold, sir? Why, you don't know the meaning of the word.
John Hancock: Oh, here we g-go...
George Washington: I spent a winter at Valley Forge, now THAT's cold. Why, my spit would freeze over before it hit the ground!
Hoagie: That sounds cool.
George Washington: Yes, extremely.
Thomas Jefferson: He should know about cold- he's married to Martha!
Hoagie: Ooh, that WAS cold. Hey, Georgie, you gonna let him get away with saying that?
George Washington: Sir, i'm a much bigger man than that. Not as big as you, pray tell, but big enough to leave such pithy comments to only those worthy of them.
Thomas Jefferson: ::sigh:: Here we go...
Goerge Washington: As the conqueror of the British and the leader of the United States, (and of course, the future president), I, George Washington make it a point to defend my honor, my dignity, and- let's face it- my inherent superiority as the father of our country by-
Hoagie: Chopping down cherry trees?
George Washington: Well, actually, I was quite the adept tree-cutter in my day. Why, men still regale tales of my youthful prowess to this day.
Thomas Jefferson: Yes, but he's lost it now. I dare say, he hasn't cut down a tree since the Treaty of Paris. Why, half the country is filled with trees that he hasn't gotten around to chopping down yet!
Hoagie: It sounds like he has a point there, George.
George Washington: Why, you incorrigible- i'd show you a thing or two if there were a cherry tree nearby! But as you can see, there isn't.
Hoagie: A tree's a tree, dude.
George Washington: No, no, no, my rotund associate- I only cut down cherry trees. Family tradition, you know. There's nothing out there but cedar and kumquats. So, you'd best be running along now.
Hoagie: Sure thing, dude. Thanks for nothing.
George Washington: Why, you're welcome.

::And so, a dejected Hoagie leaves the Hall, and heads up the stairs, muttering to himself as he wanders the mansion.::
Hoagie: Stupid Washington... thinks he's so hot just because he saved the colonies... Mr. high and mighty cherry tree... Hey there, Ted.... still gotta save the world... i'd show him if I could find a cherry tree... i'm going to-
::and then, in the spot where Weird Ed's room will be in 200 years, he runs into a horse. Yes, there's a horse in this house, and i'm not going to tell you why.::
Hoagie: umm.... hi, horsey.
Horse: Hi yourself.
Hoagie: You wouldn't happen to know where I could find a cherry tree, would you?
Horse: Nope. Sorry.
Hoagie: Dang. I need to find one to show up the father of our country.
Horse: Good luck, then.
Hoagie: Those are some teeth you got there.
Horse: Thanks. I paid a lot for 'em.
Hoagie: What are you doing here, anyway?
Horse: I live here, smart guy. What are YOU doing here?
Hoagie: Well, i'm stranded here until I can build a super-battery and get back to the future.
Horse: Future, eh? Here I was thinking that Franklin guy was off his nut...
Hoagie: I need to get some oil, vinegar, and gold to do it, though.
Horse: Hm... what does showing up Washington have to do with it?
Hoagie: Oh, he just cheeses me off.
Horse: Yeah he does that. Why, just the other day, he was smarting off to me about how his teeth looked better than mine. Tell you what- oil and vinegar should be easy enough to find, but if you can find some way to settle Washington's hash, I can tell you how to get that gold you need.
Hoagie: No foolin'?
Horse: Easier than trying to think of a way yourself.
Hoagie: Good call.
Horse: Well, off with you then. I've got beauty sleep to catch up on.
::and with that, the horse puts his false teeth in a nearby glass of water, and falls promptly to sleep.::
Hoagie: That was surreal.
::Tell it. Anyway, Hoagie makes his next stop the one behind the door across from the horse.::
Hoagie: Say, I haven't been in here yet.
::Hoagie walks in, and finds two bafflingly dapper identical twins, one very busy creating a similarly dapper stone sculpture of the other with a neat-looking hat on. So, of course, he makes the obvious comment.::
Hoagie: Question is, which one's stuffed, and which one's the real McCoy?
::But, as their notoriously green skin gives away, they're-::
Ned or Jed Edison: I assure you that we are both real, but we are neither one of us McCoys. We are Edisons, Ned and Jed.
::I was gonna say that.::
Hoagie: Which one is which?
Ned or Jed Edison: Does it really matter? ::sigh:: even our dear father can't tell us apart.
Hoagie: Well, what's the difference, anyway?
Ned or Jed Edison: The only difference is that one of us is left-handed, while the other is right.
Ned or Jed Edison: That's right.
Ned or Jed Edison: Hold still, Jed! How can I get your mouth crooked just right if you keep opening it all the time?
::with a sigh, the Edison which must be logically concluded as being Ned turns back to Hoagie::
the Edison which must be logically concluded as being Ned: So... i'm almost too frightened to ask... are you a marble deliveryman, or my... ::shudder:: new model?
Hoagie: I think i'll be the model, can I take my clothes off now?
Horse: No!
Dr. Fred: No!
Bernard: No!
John Hancock: N-no!
Weird Ed: ::twitch::
Dwayne: Nay!
Laverne: No!
Red Edison: No!
Purple Tentacle: No!
Nurse Edna: Yes!
Sandy: No!
Branson, Missouri: No!
the Edison which must be logically concluded as being Ned: No! No... you most definitely should not.
The world: ::whew::
the Edison which must be logically- aw, nuts to this, just Ned: I couldn't get your body shape right anyway, unless we cemented two slabs of marble together... but then your statue would have a big seam in it.
Hoagie: That's okay, it would have one anyway.
Ned: Look- don't call us, we'll call you.
Hoagie: Dang. Well, I was just kidding.
Ned: Good.
Hoagie: I'm the deliveryman. Okay if I unload in here?
Ned: Actually, we are well-supplied with medium, so thank you, no.
Hoagie: Oh, this ain't medium, this is the extra-large stuff.
Ned: Please go away now. Us artists are very sensitive towards your kind of people.
Hoagie: What kind of people?
Ned: Big, dumb people.
Hoagie: By any chance, do you know George Washington?
Ned: Know him? Why, he's our idol!
Hoagie: Figures. Okay, so i'm not the delivery guy either, but rock is my life.
::Hoagie laughs at his little joke::
Ned: I'm... sure that's terribly amusing... where you're from. Say, where exactly DID you come from?
Hoagie: The future. Kinda spooky-sounding, ain't it? Ooooooooh, the future! I'm from the future, look out!
Ned: Gosh, it would be so nice if you weren't here anymore.
Hoagie: Okay, okay, for real this time- I have something for you.
Ned: I can hardly wait.
::Hoagie pulls out the left-handed hammer given to him by Red Edison::
Hoagie: Here you go. Some red guy told me to give this to you.
Ned: I'm sure. Well, give it here- i've been meaning to get a new one for some time now.
::Ned grabs the hammer from Hoagie's hand::
Ned: There. Now, off with you.
Hoagie: Sorry. Hope I haven't jostled you.
Ned: Too late.
::and with that, Hoagie leaves- but just a little too soon.::
Ned: ::tossing his old hammer into the trash:: Now, let's see what this baby can do!
::Ned places his chisel on the half-finished statue and swings- and misses::
Ned: What?
::Whoosh! He misses again!::
Ned: What is this?
::Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh!::
Ned: Oh... oh NO! I've... i've lost it!
::Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh!::
Ned: O, where hath gone the must that once guided my hand with such care? Must inspiration be so transitory? Must art be so cruel?
::Whoosh! Whoosh!::
Ned: Just let me hit my chisel once!
::CHUNK::
::Well, he asked for it, and he got it, as that errant strike hits the statue at just the right angle to cause it to crumble into a million pieces. Oh, like he wasn't asking for it.::
Ned: Oh, curse this accursed curse of curses! Damn this tool forged in the very depths of Hades, which has taken from me my livelihood! Damn damn damn you to the pits of brimstone!
Jed: ::jumping off from his statuesque position:: Don't say that, Ned! The hammer did not do a thing to you, you're probably just still disturbed from that... ::wince:: "visitor" of ours. We must be strong, dear brother, in these times of creative adversity. I'll clean up this rubble and start over. You should relax for now- here, have a cappuccino.
::Some time later::
Jed: I'm glad we switched places. You're coming out quite well. See? It wasn't the hammer at all.
Ned: But it was!
Jed: Hold still, now.

::CHUNG::
Bernard: Say, wasn't that statue holding its sword in its other hand just a second ago?

Hoagie: Well, that whole trip was pointless. But what to do now?
::He looks at the stairs::
Hoagie: Well, only one way to go now.
::and so, Hoagie heads up the stairs. Say, let's just save some time and move on up to a few minutes later.::

::A few minutes later, Hoagie is standing on the roof of the mansion::
Hoagie: Great. I've been all over this place, and I haven't found anything to help me besides this red paint. I wonder if i'll ever get out of this place alive? I mean, I can't get the gold until I cheese off George, I can't make a battery until I get the gold, and I can't go home until I get the battery. ::sigh:: I think i'm just going to sit here on the roof awhile.

::Oh, crap, it looks like he means it. Well, I WOULD help him, but seeing as certain people ruined it for us, it looks like-::
Hoagie: Hey, what's that open- WHOOOOOOOOoooooooaaaaa ::THUD::
::What's going on here? What was that Hoagie just fell through?
Plot hole.
~The Management
::What? What did you do that for?::
Someone needed to un-stick this thing. If we wanted to hold up the story while someone desperately tries to figure out what to do next, we'd be actually playing the game.
~The Management
::Oh.... I... see.::
Pan to the next scene, already.
~The Management
::Um, okay.::

::We re-join Hoagie right back where he started, outside the mansion::
Hoagie: Owwww! Oh, great, now my red paint's been splattered all over these.... kumquats?
::Saay... that thing really worked! Those kumquats now look a lot like-::
Hoagie: Cherries?
::Hoagie takes one look up- and there it is, a tiny sapling, peppered with kumquats...::


Laverne: ... why did these little fruits turn red all of a sudden?


Hoagie: So, George...
George Washington: So?
Hoagie: I found a cherry tree outside.
George Washington: Nonsense. If there were a cherry tree outside, i'd be able to see it right through this- well what do you know? There IS a cherry tree out there. Well, let's go chop the sucker down.
Thomas Jefferson: Veto power says you can't!
George Washington: You're on!
::With that, George takes Hoagie outside, pulls out his trusty axe, and with one mighty swing, fells the sapling.::
Thomas Jefferson: Drat.
George Washington: And there you have it. Find a challenge for me next time, boy.
::Washington walks off to gloat to Jefferson some more::
Hoagie: What a hero.

::Meanwhile, 400 years later...::
A Purple-Tentacle-looking thing with a safari hat, a net, a bushy mustache, and a British accent: I said come down from there AT ONCE!
Laverne: Try to understand. I'm stuck in this kumquat-
::CHUNG::
Laverne: tree?
::As its counterpart from 400 years ago is offed, so the mammoth kumquat tree disappears from existence, the branch formerly suspending Laverne in the air going with it. With nothing left to hold her or the Chron-o-john up, both of them fall to the pavement below, each with it's own sickening CRUNCH::.
Same Tentacle: Aha! I have you now! You're coming with me, human!
::Shock! Horror! What other frightening nouns could await Laverne? Oh, I can hardly wait to find out!::