-13-
Ben: Oh, am I on? Good afternoon, readers! I am… the narrator! Eager and ready to be at your service. It's such an honor to be named to this project, especially since poor Sheep was laid off… but he'll get back on his feet, just as we all have. In fact, I hear General Specific's already got a new job lined up! How nice for him. Anyway, I'm not paid to chit-chat, so here we go!
::When we last left Laverne, she was in quite a pickle. Caught by one of the henchmen of the notorious Purple Tentacle, she's been locked away in a prison cell! What can she possibly do to escape? What sort of plan will this cunning co-ed have to concoct to save herself, not to mention the whole world?::
Laverne: Yoohoo, Mr. Tentacle-guy?
Guard Tentacle: What?
Laverne: Um… your… shoelace is untied?
Guard Tentacle: … you know, I'm not going to dignify that with a response.
Laverne: Drat.
Zed: I've tried that one so many times…
Laverne: Consarn it, there's gotta be a way out of here. Hmm… say, Zed…
Zed: What?
Laverne: That freak said something about a "human show"… you think that could be my ticket out of here?
Zed: Oh, you'd better just forget that degrading farce. Those slimy tentacles put humans in humiliating little costumes, do sickening things to their hair, and force them to parade their so-called "talents" in front of unqualified judges who were paid off weeks in advance!
Laverne: Didn't get in, eh?
Zed: They said macramé wasn't a talent. Pointy-headed goons.
Guard Tentacle: Hey, I heard that.
Zed: Your mama.
Laverne: Listen, Zed… alone, you and I have been made prisoners of this horrible regime, but together, we just might be able to beat those slimy bastards at their own game.
::cue "The Battle Hymn Of The Republic"::
Laverne: Together, we have what it takes to save humanity from this terrible fate. After all, you're the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson of the man who unleashed this horrible plague upon the world, and me, I'm an anatomy student… with a "C" average… but what do they know, those high-and-mighty academic types? They don't know what it's like to have 5000 years of human history, thought, and knowledge in your hands, like we do! Help me, Zed, and together we can change history, and make a better world for us, and out children, and out children's child- well, by then they'll have annihilated the planet, but what does it matter? Don't they deserve the chance to do exactly that? Don't they deserve… to be free?
Zed: Lady, you talk too much.
Laverne: Oy… I think I'm gonna be sick.
Guard Tentacle: Huh? Someone say they're going to be sick?
Laverne: Um… yeah! Yes, I'm afraid I just might puke up all over… Ooog… ::gag:: here it comes!
Guard Tentacle: Oh, no you don't, I'm not cleaning up after you. I'm taking you to Dr. Tentacle.
::the guard shuts off the forcefield and leads her to the doctor's office a few doors away, where he stupidly leaves her. You just can't find good help these days…::
Dr. Tentacle: Well, well, what do we have here?
Laverne: I feel pukey.
Dr. Tentacle: Really, now? Let's just have a look here…
Laverne: Are you going to use your scalpel?
Dr. Tentacle: Of course not!
Laverne: …darn.
::She takes a moment to think it over…::
Laverne: Would you like to use mine?
Dr. Tentacle: Absolutely not!
::Dr. Tentacle uses his trusty stethoscope to listen to Laverne's heartbeat… strange that he's pressing the business end against her liver.::
Dr. Tentacle: Hmmmm…
Laverne: What?
::Dr. Tentacle hops over to the human anatomy chart against the wall, complete with anatomically-correct stick figure::
Dr. Tentacle: Hmmmm…
Laverne: What? What?
Dr. Tentacle: It's just as I expected.
Laverne: What is it, already?
Dr. Tentacle: There's nothing wrong with you.
Laverne: Aww, what a letdown.
Dr. Tentacle: Well, I'd best be going, I'm late for the show. I'll send your keeper for you…
::Dr. Tentacle goes to leave, but stops at the foyer::
Dr. Tentacle: Oh, right, I forgot- sit. Stay. Good boy.
::Exit Dr. Tentacle. Laverne looks around the room… the lone light in the ceiling isn't enough to show off the entire place, but besides a few charts, some twitching things, and a set of Irken heads in formaldehyde, not much of note is here. Still, seeing as this is one of those adventure games, Laverne decides to take something anyway- the tentacle anatomy chart.::
Laverne: Boy, I'd like to get one of them on the dissection table… I still can't figure out how they eat through a sucker.
::Laverne heads out the door.::
Laverne: Time to see what I can do about this brave new world…
Some other tentacle: Woo-ee! You are one ugly human!
Laverne: Excuse me? ::she turns swiftly, finding another tentacle behind a small desk.::
Some other tentacle: Man, I am not kidding. You are the HOMELIEST homo sapien I've ever seen. ::he laughs at his little "joke".::
Laverne: You know, I think you're trying to tell me something. The blue-skinned slimy freak with suckers where his eyes, mouth, and god-knows-what-else should be is telling me I'm ugly.
The blue-skinned slimy freak with suckers where his eyes, mouth, and god-knows-what-else should be: You're ugly, all right- your hair alone's gonna give me nightmares. Not to mention your teeth, your clothes, your one eye that's bigger than the other.
Laverne: Gee, how much worse can I get?
The blue-skinned slimy freak etc. etc.: Not much, unless there were two of you.
Laverne: That's nice. I think I'm going to kill you.
The blue-skinned slimy… oh, forget it.
Tentacle: Now, now, you'll never get into the human show with THAT attitude. Not to mention that face…
Laverne: Human show? Why of all the-
Laverne's brain: Quiet, you fool! It's your only hope!
Laverne: ::gritting her teeth:: wonderful…. things… hot dang. I'm wetting myself at the thought. Sure, sign me up.
Tentacle: Sorry, no humans can sign themselves up, no matter how ugly they are. Go ask your owner to sign you up. Ask them to sign you up for a haircut, while you're at it.
Laverne: Hm… could I… sign another human up for the show?
Tentacle: YOU can't do ANYTHING, humam. It's a tentacle's world. Only tentacles can vote, only tentacles can own property, and only tentacles can enter humans in the human show. Where have you been these past 200 years?
Laverne: Hurtling through the time-space continuum in a cheap portable toilet, where else?
Tentacle: Well, that explains the hair… Anyway, get back to your owner. Just because he's a masochist doesn't mean the rest of us should have to suffer.
Laverne: Alright, alright. I'm off to go plot your death now.
Tentacle: As long as you're doing it somewhere else.
::So, having tired of the blue freak, Laverne enters the next door, and finds herself in the lobby, and seated on a bench nearby are the three human show contestants- one look at which makes Laverne want to reconsider the whole human-show idea. One is dressed up in admiral's gear, with a red Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut, horn-rimmed glasses, and combat boots, twiddling his thumbs mindlessly in his seat, looking like Ichabod Crane after sitting through all eighteen hours of Ken Burns' Electric Football. The next is dressed up like a model from Fredrick's of Jersey, with a 33-cent green dress, a yellow beehive, and a grin that just screams "crazy-glue". Then… there is Harold. His hair looks like a month-old Christmas tree, the green mountainous mass adorned with lights, gold stars, and a shiny moon on the top. His snooty maw is covered with glitter, and he sports a fashionable tutu- well, on a woman, it would be.::
Harold: Who dares gaze upon my perfection?
::A French accent. How predictable.::
Laverne: Um, my name's Laverne. I'm a sophomore.
Harold: My name iz Harold, I am a thoroughbred.
Laverne: … riiiight… so you're the contestants for the human show, I'm gathering.
Harold: Zat is true. Why, zinking about zinging up?
Laverne: I was going to, but now that I've met you, I'm not so sure.
Harold: Zat's right, don't even bo-zehr. My owner zays I'm going to win. I'm ze most beautiful human zere is.
Laverne: That's… um, quite a tutu you have there. Know where I can pick one up?
Harold: I wouldn't count on it, pea-zont. My owner paid quite a lot of money for it. My owner buys me anyzing in ze world I want.
Laverne: And where would that "owner" of yours be?
Harold: He iz not here right now. But he would be if it were at all pozzible. Hiz bus broke down in Pittzburgh, so he's ztuck zere with all the ozer owners.
Laverne: So you're a pretty big wheel in the human show circuit, I gather.
Harold: You got it. Actually, this one iz more practice for me- these rank amateurs beside me would do well to watch as I amaze our fair judges- and you would, too.
Laverne: Excuse me?
Harold: Well, it is not like you are much good to your owners if you are not beautiful, is it not?
Laverne: Wait, what makes you think you can say that?
Harold: Well, it'z pretty obvious, don't you zink? Your teeth, your clothez, your one eye that's bigger zhan ze other…
Laverne: Remind me when I kill that other guy to knock you off too, would you?
Harold: I get zat all ze time. Nobody's had ze guts, zough. Go now, scurry back to your owner zo zat you may continue to depress him with your mediocrity.
::Laverne stomps off in a huff, unaware she's heading right for the door.::
Bushy-bearded Tentacle: Hold it!
Laverne: Huh?
Bushy-bearded Tentacle: Humans aren't allowed to roam free here. I'm taking you back to the kennel. Come on, on your bike.
Laverne: Wait! Um… my… owner's bus broke down in Pittsburgh too! Yeah, he's um… on his way?
Bushy-bearded Tentacle: Nice try, human, but your ugliness spells "stray" all over. Let's go.
Laverne: I'm really starting to hate this place.
Guard Tentacle: It's about time you got back. I wish Dr. Tentacle would stop losing patients.
Laverne: That's nice… say, you wouldn't be interested in sponsoring a human for the show, would you?
Guard Tentacle: Gosh, that'd be sweet. I hear first prize is an evening at Club Tentacle.
Laverne: Sounds nice, hmm?
Guard Tentacle: Sure does! I could never eat there on my salary. Why, I'd just jump out of this chair and go right now if I had a shot at that.
Laverne: So you'll sponsor me?
Guard Tentacle: … oh, you meant YOU. I was thinking you could fix me up with one of those humans out there.
Laverne: And what, pray tell, is wrong with me?
Guard Tentacle and Laverne in unison: Your teeth, your clothes, your one eye that's bigger than the other.
Laverne: I know, I know.
Guard Tentacle: It'd sure be nice though. Thanks for the letdown.
Zed: Don't feel so bad. He wouldn't sponsor me, either.
Laverne: ::shudder:: (I've got to find a way out of here…) um, yoohoo, mister tentacle guy?
Guard Tentacle: What, what is it now?
Laverne: Um, I have to go to the bathroom.
Guard Tentacle: There's a laugh… imagine a human using a bathroom. Come on, I'll take you outside.
Guard Tentacle: Go ahead, do your business.
Laverne: I sure will.
::Laverne goes around the fence to the back of the house, where she finds the Chron-o-john, right where it fell when the kumquat tree was unmade. She leans down and puts her face to the hole in the bottom, where she begins her cry for help.::
Laverne: BERNARD, GET YOUR SCRAWNY BUTT OUT HERE! I KNOW YOU AND DR. FRED ARE IN THERE, BRING HIM TO! I'M GOING TO GET YOU BOTH FOR STRANDING ME HERE, SO HELP YOU GOD I WILL! I BET YOU'RE ALL COMFY IN THERE TOO, COME ON OUT! YOU GLASSES-WEARING FESTERING PILES OF PANCREATIC DISCHARGE! YOU COLON-IMPACTING PIECES OF BACKED-UP FECAL MATTER! I OUGHTTA CONNECT YOUR ADRENAL GLANDS TO YOUR GASTRO-INTESTINAL SYSTEM AND WATCH YOU CRAP YOURSELVES TO DEATH! I SWEAR, THE MOMENT I GET OUT OF HERE...
For the sake of the helpless stomachs of the audience, we're ending this chapter now.
~The Management
Ben: Oh, am I on? Good afternoon, readers! I am… the narrator! Eager and ready to be at your service. It's such an honor to be named to this project, especially since poor Sheep was laid off… but he'll get back on his feet, just as we all have. In fact, I hear General Specific's already got a new job lined up! How nice for him. Anyway, I'm not paid to chit-chat, so here we go!
::When we last left Laverne, she was in quite a pickle. Caught by one of the henchmen of the notorious Purple Tentacle, she's been locked away in a prison cell! What can she possibly do to escape? What sort of plan will this cunning co-ed have to concoct to save herself, not to mention the whole world?::
Laverne: Yoohoo, Mr. Tentacle-guy?
Guard Tentacle: What?
Laverne: Um… your… shoelace is untied?
Guard Tentacle: … you know, I'm not going to dignify that with a response.
Laverne: Drat.
Zed: I've tried that one so many times…
Laverne: Consarn it, there's gotta be a way out of here. Hmm… say, Zed…
Zed: What?
Laverne: That freak said something about a "human show"… you think that could be my ticket out of here?
Zed: Oh, you'd better just forget that degrading farce. Those slimy tentacles put humans in humiliating little costumes, do sickening things to their hair, and force them to parade their so-called "talents" in front of unqualified judges who were paid off weeks in advance!
Laverne: Didn't get in, eh?
Zed: They said macramé wasn't a talent. Pointy-headed goons.
Guard Tentacle: Hey, I heard that.
Zed: Your mama.
Laverne: Listen, Zed… alone, you and I have been made prisoners of this horrible regime, but together, we just might be able to beat those slimy bastards at their own game.
::cue "The Battle Hymn Of The Republic"::
Laverne: Together, we have what it takes to save humanity from this terrible fate. After all, you're the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson of the man who unleashed this horrible plague upon the world, and me, I'm an anatomy student… with a "C" average… but what do they know, those high-and-mighty academic types? They don't know what it's like to have 5000 years of human history, thought, and knowledge in your hands, like we do! Help me, Zed, and together we can change history, and make a better world for us, and out children, and out children's child- well, by then they'll have annihilated the planet, but what does it matter? Don't they deserve the chance to do exactly that? Don't they deserve… to be free?
Zed: Lady, you talk too much.
Laverne: Oy… I think I'm gonna be sick.
Guard Tentacle: Huh? Someone say they're going to be sick?
Laverne: Um… yeah! Yes, I'm afraid I just might puke up all over… Ooog… ::gag:: here it comes!
Guard Tentacle: Oh, no you don't, I'm not cleaning up after you. I'm taking you to Dr. Tentacle.
::the guard shuts off the forcefield and leads her to the doctor's office a few doors away, where he stupidly leaves her. You just can't find good help these days…::
Dr. Tentacle: Well, well, what do we have here?
Laverne: I feel pukey.
Dr. Tentacle: Really, now? Let's just have a look here…
Laverne: Are you going to use your scalpel?
Dr. Tentacle: Of course not!
Laverne: …darn.
::She takes a moment to think it over…::
Laverne: Would you like to use mine?
Dr. Tentacle: Absolutely not!
::Dr. Tentacle uses his trusty stethoscope to listen to Laverne's heartbeat… strange that he's pressing the business end against her liver.::
Dr. Tentacle: Hmmmm…
Laverne: What?
::Dr. Tentacle hops over to the human anatomy chart against the wall, complete with anatomically-correct stick figure::
Dr. Tentacle: Hmmmm…
Laverne: What? What?
Dr. Tentacle: It's just as I expected.
Laverne: What is it, already?
Dr. Tentacle: There's nothing wrong with you.
Laverne: Aww, what a letdown.
Dr. Tentacle: Well, I'd best be going, I'm late for the show. I'll send your keeper for you…
::Dr. Tentacle goes to leave, but stops at the foyer::
Dr. Tentacle: Oh, right, I forgot- sit. Stay. Good boy.
::Exit Dr. Tentacle. Laverne looks around the room… the lone light in the ceiling isn't enough to show off the entire place, but besides a few charts, some twitching things, and a set of Irken heads in formaldehyde, not much of note is here. Still, seeing as this is one of those adventure games, Laverne decides to take something anyway- the tentacle anatomy chart.::
Laverne: Boy, I'd like to get one of them on the dissection table… I still can't figure out how they eat through a sucker.
::Laverne heads out the door.::
Laverne: Time to see what I can do about this brave new world…
Some other tentacle: Woo-ee! You are one ugly human!
Laverne: Excuse me? ::she turns swiftly, finding another tentacle behind a small desk.::
Some other tentacle: Man, I am not kidding. You are the HOMELIEST homo sapien I've ever seen. ::he laughs at his little "joke".::
Laverne: You know, I think you're trying to tell me something. The blue-skinned slimy freak with suckers where his eyes, mouth, and god-knows-what-else should be is telling me I'm ugly.
The blue-skinned slimy freak with suckers where his eyes, mouth, and god-knows-what-else should be: You're ugly, all right- your hair alone's gonna give me nightmares. Not to mention your teeth, your clothes, your one eye that's bigger than the other.
Laverne: Gee, how much worse can I get?
The blue-skinned slimy freak etc. etc.: Not much, unless there were two of you.
Laverne: That's nice. I think I'm going to kill you.
The blue-skinned slimy… oh, forget it.
Tentacle: Now, now, you'll never get into the human show with THAT attitude. Not to mention that face…
Laverne: Human show? Why of all the-
Laverne's brain: Quiet, you fool! It's your only hope!
Laverne: ::gritting her teeth:: wonderful…. things… hot dang. I'm wetting myself at the thought. Sure, sign me up.
Tentacle: Sorry, no humans can sign themselves up, no matter how ugly they are. Go ask your owner to sign you up. Ask them to sign you up for a haircut, while you're at it.
Laverne: Hm… could I… sign another human up for the show?
Tentacle: YOU can't do ANYTHING, humam. It's a tentacle's world. Only tentacles can vote, only tentacles can own property, and only tentacles can enter humans in the human show. Where have you been these past 200 years?
Laverne: Hurtling through the time-space continuum in a cheap portable toilet, where else?
Tentacle: Well, that explains the hair… Anyway, get back to your owner. Just because he's a masochist doesn't mean the rest of us should have to suffer.
Laverne: Alright, alright. I'm off to go plot your death now.
Tentacle: As long as you're doing it somewhere else.
::So, having tired of the blue freak, Laverne enters the next door, and finds herself in the lobby, and seated on a bench nearby are the three human show contestants- one look at which makes Laverne want to reconsider the whole human-show idea. One is dressed up in admiral's gear, with a red Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut, horn-rimmed glasses, and combat boots, twiddling his thumbs mindlessly in his seat, looking like Ichabod Crane after sitting through all eighteen hours of Ken Burns' Electric Football. The next is dressed up like a model from Fredrick's of Jersey, with a 33-cent green dress, a yellow beehive, and a grin that just screams "crazy-glue". Then… there is Harold. His hair looks like a month-old Christmas tree, the green mountainous mass adorned with lights, gold stars, and a shiny moon on the top. His snooty maw is covered with glitter, and he sports a fashionable tutu- well, on a woman, it would be.::
Harold: Who dares gaze upon my perfection?
::A French accent. How predictable.::
Laverne: Um, my name's Laverne. I'm a sophomore.
Harold: My name iz Harold, I am a thoroughbred.
Laverne: … riiiight… so you're the contestants for the human show, I'm gathering.
Harold: Zat is true. Why, zinking about zinging up?
Laverne: I was going to, but now that I've met you, I'm not so sure.
Harold: Zat's right, don't even bo-zehr. My owner zays I'm going to win. I'm ze most beautiful human zere is.
Laverne: That's… um, quite a tutu you have there. Know where I can pick one up?
Harold: I wouldn't count on it, pea-zont. My owner paid quite a lot of money for it. My owner buys me anyzing in ze world I want.
Laverne: And where would that "owner" of yours be?
Harold: He iz not here right now. But he would be if it were at all pozzible. Hiz bus broke down in Pittzburgh, so he's ztuck zere with all the ozer owners.
Laverne: So you're a pretty big wheel in the human show circuit, I gather.
Harold: You got it. Actually, this one iz more practice for me- these rank amateurs beside me would do well to watch as I amaze our fair judges- and you would, too.
Laverne: Excuse me?
Harold: Well, it is not like you are much good to your owners if you are not beautiful, is it not?
Laverne: Wait, what makes you think you can say that?
Harold: Well, it'z pretty obvious, don't you zink? Your teeth, your clothez, your one eye that's bigger zhan ze other…
Laverne: Remind me when I kill that other guy to knock you off too, would you?
Harold: I get zat all ze time. Nobody's had ze guts, zough. Go now, scurry back to your owner zo zat you may continue to depress him with your mediocrity.
::Laverne stomps off in a huff, unaware she's heading right for the door.::
Bushy-bearded Tentacle: Hold it!
Laverne: Huh?
Bushy-bearded Tentacle: Humans aren't allowed to roam free here. I'm taking you back to the kennel. Come on, on your bike.
Laverne: Wait! Um… my… owner's bus broke down in Pittsburgh too! Yeah, he's um… on his way?
Bushy-bearded Tentacle: Nice try, human, but your ugliness spells "stray" all over. Let's go.
Laverne: I'm really starting to hate this place.
Guard Tentacle: It's about time you got back. I wish Dr. Tentacle would stop losing patients.
Laverne: That's nice… say, you wouldn't be interested in sponsoring a human for the show, would you?
Guard Tentacle: Gosh, that'd be sweet. I hear first prize is an evening at Club Tentacle.
Laverne: Sounds nice, hmm?
Guard Tentacle: Sure does! I could never eat there on my salary. Why, I'd just jump out of this chair and go right now if I had a shot at that.
Laverne: So you'll sponsor me?
Guard Tentacle: … oh, you meant YOU. I was thinking you could fix me up with one of those humans out there.
Laverne: And what, pray tell, is wrong with me?
Guard Tentacle and Laverne in unison: Your teeth, your clothes, your one eye that's bigger than the other.
Laverne: I know, I know.
Guard Tentacle: It'd sure be nice though. Thanks for the letdown.
Zed: Don't feel so bad. He wouldn't sponsor me, either.
Laverne: ::shudder:: (I've got to find a way out of here…) um, yoohoo, mister tentacle guy?
Guard Tentacle: What, what is it now?
Laverne: Um, I have to go to the bathroom.
Guard Tentacle: There's a laugh… imagine a human using a bathroom. Come on, I'll take you outside.
Guard Tentacle: Go ahead, do your business.
Laverne: I sure will.
::Laverne goes around the fence to the back of the house, where she finds the Chron-o-john, right where it fell when the kumquat tree was unmade. She leans down and puts her face to the hole in the bottom, where she begins her cry for help.::
Laverne: BERNARD, GET YOUR SCRAWNY BUTT OUT HERE! I KNOW YOU AND DR. FRED ARE IN THERE, BRING HIM TO! I'M GOING TO GET YOU BOTH FOR STRANDING ME HERE, SO HELP YOU GOD I WILL! I BET YOU'RE ALL COMFY IN THERE TOO, COME ON OUT! YOU GLASSES-WEARING FESTERING PILES OF PANCREATIC DISCHARGE! YOU COLON-IMPACTING PIECES OF BACKED-UP FECAL MATTER! I OUGHTTA CONNECT YOUR ADRENAL GLANDS TO YOUR GASTRO-INTESTINAL SYSTEM AND WATCH YOU CRAP YOURSELVES TO DEATH! I SWEAR, THE MOMENT I GET OUT OF HERE...
For the sake of the helpless stomachs of the audience, we're ending this chapter now.
~The Management