He Deserves It

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

Willow was crying when she told me what happened.

Until then none of us knew the whole story. Four months ago Angel tried to end the world. Buffy was prepared to kill him to prevent that. Willow, Oz and Cordelia cast a spell to restore Angel's soul so that he wouldn't go through with destroying the world. And I told a little lie.

Afterwards we all had questions about what had happened. Since the world didn't end and Buffy didn't come home we assumed that the spell didn't work and she killed Angel to prevent the apocalypse.

We all were hurt when Buffy ran away and I was furious with Angel for that. Why not? I blamed him for everything else bad that had happened since Buffy's seventeenth birthday, and for quite a few other things before that too.

When Willow told me what really happened, that the spell worked, but too late and Buffy had to send Angel to Hell despite him having his soul back, my first thought was, "good." I thought he deserved to be punished for what he did.

Then I realized how bad Willow and Buffy felt about the whole thing, and if anything I hated him more. I mean he would have had to die in the way that would hurt my friends even worse than his actions had hurt them. I didn't know I could ever hate anyone the way I hate Angel. It was so easy to blame him everything on him.

But that night the nightmare started. At first I couldn't even remember what I was dreaming. I remembered pain, fear and hopelessness, but no specifics.

The nightmare became a nightly occurrence. After a few weeks I dreaded sleep. I would actually hang around the library hoping Giles would need my help with something after Buffy finished patrols.

I'd go through Giles' books hoping to find some prophecy or something that would require the Scooby Gang's attention, except I kept getting sidetracked by passages about the demon dimension, or in layman's terms, Hell.

The place where Angel was, where he'd be forever. It's ridiculous to say Hell is a bad place. It is the ultimate definition of a bad place.

The more I read the worse the dreams got and eventually it occurred to me that I was dreaming about what Angel might be going through.

Furthermore, it wasn't just empathy that made me have those dreams, it was guilt.

Buffy felt guilty because she'd physically sent Angel to Hell. Willow felt guilty because her spell returned his soul so it was the good version of Angel who ended up in Hell. Me, I felt guilty because I'd told a lie.

I was supposed to tell Buffy that Willow was trying to restore Angel's soul again. Instead I told her that Willow said to kick his ass.

Buffy feels guilty for saving the world. Willow feels guilty for trying to save her friend. Whatever the final outcomes of their actions, their intentions were honorable.

I can't say that. Oh I justify my actions by saying I didn't want Buffy distracted from the fight because I didn't want her to be hurt. Still even if that's true it wasn't the main reason for what I said. I could even justify myself by saying I wanted the demon to pay for his crimes, that's still not the whole truth. I hated Angel before he lost his soul. I hated him because of the way the girls all looked at him.

Even after we knew what he was Buffy still loved him, Cordelia wanted him, every girl in the Bronze noticed him. Even Willow sighed over how romantic he and Buffy were. It was disgusting!

What's so great about Angel anyway? Okay, the guy's good looking, I can admit that, but geeze, I've met rocks with more personality.

Jesse and I aren't that bad looking ourselves and we were nice fun people. Jesse practically worshipped Cordelia and she despised him. I was always there for Buffy and she sees me as "one of the girls." Gee thanks Buff.

The one time I think she's finally realized how perfect I'd be for her it turns out she was just trying to make Deadboy jealous.

Beyond the whole girls issue, Angel is a vampire. I remember Giles telling us, "When you look at a vampire you're not looking at your friend, you're looking at the thing that killed them."

Apparently Angel's the exception. Angel, not Jesse. My best friend gets turned into a vampire and I get a nice little lecture and have to kill him ten minutes later.

Buffy falls in love with a vampire and we're all sympathetic. Where was Giles' pithy little speech when Buffy asked, "Can't a vampire ever be a good person?"

Then when we find out that Angel wasn't the one that attacked Buffy's mom, we go to stop her from killing him. Why did we bother? He didn't attack Joyce, but what about the hundreds of other people he killed? Didn't he deserve to die for their deaths?

Then when Angel reverts to form and starts killing again we go looking for a spell to recurse him. We didn't do that for Jesse, we just killed him. I just killed him, my best friend for forever and I had to kill him. But when it's Angel we try to save him, cause Buffy loves him. Anyone else we just kill.

If Willow or I were turned I bet Buffy could stake us. It's just Angel that's different.

I hate Angel, that the truth. Even when he has his soul I hate him, and without it he's the most evil creature we're ever faced.

Oh the other would have killed us or ended the world, but Angel was worse. He wanted to hurt us mentally as well as physically. The others would hurt anyone that got in their way, but Angel's whole purpose was to torment us. His attacks were so personal, and what he did with Jenny's body; that was just sick. Two years of fighting vampires and other nightmares and nothing we had encountered comes close to that level of disturbed.

And this is the one monster we try to save? Does anyone else see a problem with this picture?

So why do I feel guilty about my part in sending him to Hell? I mean if anyone deserves that it's Angel, right?

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