Unexpected

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

Buffy told me what happened, what Angel almost did. She needed to talk to someone and I was the only one who might have lent a sympathetic ear.

I wish she hadn't, cause now I need someone to talk to and there's no one left.

Xander would make some horrid comment about wishing he'd done it and once again I realize that despite the fact that Xander is my oldest and best friend there are some things about him that I dislike. He has a side that's hard, unforgiving and cruel, a side that disturbs me.

I absolutely can't go to Giles, he'd try to be understanding for my sake, but Jenny's death hurt him too deeply to ever see Angel as a friend again. I can't even blame Giles for that.

Oz would be the best, but he didn't, doesn't, know Angel except by reputation.

Buffy doesn't need any more burdens and there's no one else I'd even consider going to.

Yesterday morning Angel tried to kill himself. When Buffy first told me I was stunned, then it sank in and I was only surprised he hadn't done it earlier.

Now I feel so guilty, cause it's all of our faults. When we learned Angel was back we went on and on about how dangerous he was. No one, not even me, distinguished between Angel and the demon.

Why did I bother to restore his soul if we weren't going to be comfortable unless he was dead?

After the dust settled we all had a nice long talk about how everything would be all right as long as Buffy didn't `give him a happy', course the curse doesn't really say anything about no sex, it says no happiness. It didn't occur to any of us how awful it would be if we were deigned the right to be happy.

Worse than that, after we decided Angel was, more or less, not a danger to us. We ignored him; eventually even Buffy decided it was too difficult to be his friend. We made it utterly clear that we held him responsible for the demon's crimes and that he was unforgivable.

When an evil force singled him out to torment, we only grudgingly came to his assistance. If not for the dreams he shared with Buffy I doubt we'd even have done that. We never even bothered to tell him we had changed our minds and were going to help. Instead we left him to think he was alone, deserving of any pain that was visited upon him.

Why should it surprise me that all that, on top of several centuries in Hell, should have driven Angel to contemplate suicide?

Angel is not the demon. Angel is my friend; a friend who has saved my life more than once; a friend who has always treated me with consideration and respect, which is more than Buffy or Xander could say. I haven't been a friend to him since restoring his soul and that's going to change.

It scares me that he had to try to hurt himself to make me realize how alone he was. If not for a freak snowstorm he would have died. I don't want him to die, yet another thing I only realized this morning. Now all I have to do is make sure Angel knows that.

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