Death of Dreams

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel".

Xander did it with Faith. He had sex with Faith.

It's wrong. Your first time should be special. It should be with someone you love, someone who loves you. Not because you were there and it was convenient.

Like Buffy said the boys Faith "connects" with are a joke to her. Xander deserves better. Faith will hurt him, if she hasn't already.

Xander thought it meant something to her. Guys are supposed to be the only ones just doing it for the sex. Xander believed that garbage; Guys give love to get sex, girls give sex to get love, what a load of crap. Some guys are way better than that and then there's Faith who proves a girl can be every bit shallow as any guy you want to name. She didn't want Xander, just a body to take out her urges on.

He's going to go talk to her, to try to get through to her. He has to do it, as much as to prove Buffy wrong as to try to help Faith… Why do we want to help Faith anyway? She's nothing but trouble… I know Xander; I know he didn't believe Buffy when she told him what Faith is. He can't accept it, not like that. Buffy was trying to be kind, to give him the pieces and let him put them together, but Xander is purposefully dense when it comes to rejection. He doesn't believe they meant it unless it hurts, well Faith will make it hurt.

Buffy tried to set him down easy, Faith won't bother. She doesn't have it in her to be kind. "Take, want, have," that's Faith's motto. Her worldview doesn't include anybody but her. Why would she be gentle, Xander's feelings don't matter to her, just like Xander doesn't matter to her.

He's going to get hurt, emotionally at the very least. I'm scared to think how else she may have hurt him, but chastity isn't exactly Faith's middle name and who know what she might have.

As always, I hurt for Xander, I worry for him. I've loved Xander since kindergarten and that just doesn't go away.

But I'm hiding in the bathroom crying for me, for the death of dreams of a little girl who doesn't exist anymore. Somehow I never even noticed it, but I'm not who I was before. Not innocent, ignorant, sweet little Willow. It took me years to figure out that Divinyl's song meant, it took quite a while even given the context Buffy brought it up in, but that was a very, very long time ago, or was it only a little more than a year ago? It feels so much longer than that. But today, I was the first one to realized what Xander had done with Faith, well before Buffy and Giles started saying "Oh," in that I'm-not-going-to-say-it way that we get when s-e-x comes up.

I wonder if Giles can do that significant stammering thing on paper, if not the journal entry about how Angel lost his soul is bound to be confusing.

I always thought that Xander and I were meant to be together. Even seeing him and Cordelia kissing didn't change that; even dating Oz didn't change it. I adapted it, we'd date other people, who were wonderful in their own way (well at least Oz was, I didn't think Cordelia was too great) then those relationships would painlessly disappear and we'd realize that it was supposed to be the two of us. We'd have the perfect wedding. My parents would be in town and not busy with work for once. Xander's parents would be sober and not fighting. It was going to be perfect, and then we'd live happily ever after, just like all the stories say.

"They married and lived happily ever after," isn't that how all the Fairytales end? You always find your true love and they always love you back and everything is sweet and nice and simple.

You don't pine for years while the prince chases every other princess in existence. You don't think maybe he wasn't the one after all, then end up hurting people when you finally get together. Sex only happens discreetly after the happily ever after and it's always the right couple.

Breaking curses is always a good thing, and all it takes is a kiss. But that's neither here nor there. Xander and I aren't Buffy and Angel. There aren't any demons or curses or deaths standing in the way of our love… there just isn't that kind of love. We're friends, I had a crush on him forever that he didn't return and once it was too late we had a fling that even we can't explain which only resulted in pain.

And now? I don't know. When I hurt Oz, I thought I'd die of the guilt. Xander and I were together, but it wasn't right or good or any of the things it was supposed to be. I love Oz, he's so sweet and considerate and he loves me. He noticed me when no one ever noticed me. And afterwards, I choose Oz, so why does this hurt? Why does the thought of Xander having sex make me feel like I'm being ripped apart? Why does Xander having sex with Faith make me feel like my little kid dreams are in ashes when my choosing Oz or his kissing Cordy didn't? Why am I feeling this now?

I'm with Oz and Xander's looking… for what I'm not exactly sure. Not when I consider where he's looking. What did he expect to find with Faith. I mean Cordy's prettier than me and she's popular, all the girls wanted to be her friend and all the guys wanted her. It's been that way for so long. But Faith? Well, everybody's had her.

Maybe it's because Faith is a Slayer. Like Buffy, the girl Xander always wanted but couldn't have. As if Faith is anything like Buffy.

I know Faith had a hard life and that why she acts like she does. I should make allowances for her, because she doesn't know any better. It would be the nice thing to do and I'm a nice girl.

Well look at what being nice gets me! Faith's exciting, all edges and nifty slang and danger. She fascinates them, like moths dancing around a flame. Both Buffy and Xander were drawn to that fire, to the freedom of doing whatever without a thought to right or wrong. Then, when Buffy got burned she came back to good old Willow, Xander will too. I'm the fall back girl, isn't that neat. The one they can count on, whose feelings never have to be consider, because hey she'll always be there.

Well just once I want to be exciting, dangerous. I want to be everyone's first choice instead of everyone's doormat...

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