Responsiblity

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

We're all taking turns watching Angel while Buffy hunts Faith, but why did she ask me to do this. How can she possibly trust me to do this?

I hate Angel. I voted against returning his soul. I tried to get Faith to kill him, hell; I wanted to watch Faith kill him. My lie condemned him to hundreds of years in Hell. How could they trust me to do this?

He's so sick, so weak, anyone could hurt him. I shouldn't be here. What if Faith comes back to finish what she started, or if some other vampire comes after him? I don't know if I'd even try to protect him. I don't belong here.

He's fevered, his sleep is restless. I can't imagine Angel sick. He's always so perfectly calm, centered. I hate that about him. Angel doesn't have to crack some stupid joke to hide how terrified he is. He isn't a burden on Buffy, forever needing to be protected.

Except that's why I'm here, to protect Angel. What a joke, I can't even protect myself, and if Angel needs protection from anyone here it's me.

I'm supposed to protect him, but how many times have I argued that he should be killed. Tonight I could do it myself. Just two seconds and a piece of wood and I'd never have to be jealous or afraid of him ever again.

How dare Buffy trust me like this? I don't deserve it. I know that, she knows that. I'd lay down my life to protect any of the others, but I can't even promise to protect Angel from myself, let alone anyone else.

What's worse is all my self-righteous condemnations of him are a sham. I know what it's like when a demon takes control. I know you can't fight it, that it will use you as it likes.

I was possessed once myself. While the hyena spirit was in control I tried to rape Buffy, I hurt Willow and if I hadn't been locked in a cage at the time, would have gleefully participated in the murder of Principle Flutie. All in the space of a single day.

No one holds me responsible for those things, but I hold Angel responsible for his demon's actions. No one has ever called me on that either.

I don't know what I'd say if anyone ever did bring that up. I can hardly say that on some level I feel responsible for what happened while I was possessed. I don't want to point out that the things that I did weren't exactly random.

The possessed me didn't go after just any girl, he went for the girl I'd been lusting after since the first moment I saw her. I hurt Willow, my best friend, because it was easy. Because I always knew she had feelings for me, and I was angry because it was Willow that loved me and not Buffy.

Yeah, I'm not as obilvious as everyone thinks, I always knew Willow had a crush on me, but I didn't return her feelings, not then anyway. So I pretended ignorance, I thought I could avoid hurting her that way.

Still my actions while possessed stemmed from my real feelings, and I should have been punished for them, just like Angel should be punished for what he did.

He's so helpless. Angel helpless, it's inconceivable. Buffy said he was pretty bad off when he first got back from hell too, but it just doesn't fit into my image of Angel.

Actually it makes it easier to resist the temptation to just kill him then go home for a good night's sleep.

Damn, it looks like he's waking up. He slept clean through Giles' shift, why couldn't he have done the same for me?

Buffy said be reassuring, make sure he knows he's not alone. I don't want to talk to him; I don't want to be here.

Angel's eyes search the room, but he doesn't focus on anything. "Buffy?" he asks weakly.

"She's getting your cure," I say, my voice is cold. I don't think Buffy should be risking herself for him, Angel's not worth it. He's not worth risking her life for; he's not worth killing for, not even Faith.

I'm afraid of what killing Faith will do to Buffy. When it's all said and done Faith is still a human being. Isn't killing someone what corrupted Faith? And that was an accident; Buffy went out tonight intending to commit murder. Angel's life isn't worth that stain on her soul.

"I need to talk to her," Angel whispers.

"She's not here," I snap.

"I have to tell her I'm sorry," Angel continues. "I don't mean to hurt her, but it doesn't matter what ever I decide it hurts her."

"We've all noticed," I reply.

"I tried not to let her love me. I tried to explain why she shouldn't but she'd get mad then go do stupid things that could have gotten her killed. So I gave in and did what she wanted." Angel's bitter, ugly laugh interrupts his monologue.

"I thought she was right, that maybe, I was the one who could make her happy. But I loved her too much and it broke the curse.

"When I came back I tried to encourage her to move on with her life, but it didn't make her happy, and I needed her too much. My need was dragging her into my world. I don't want her here, it's so hideous.

"So I made myself get stronger. I won't be a burden to her, I won't. Then we were back to where we started. I love her but I'm not good for her.

"Everyone knows it. I had to leave her. God, it was like tearing my heart out of my chest, but I did it. It would have been easier to die for her…" Angel's voice trails off. His hand brushes against the wound on his chest, dark lives radiate out from the wound, visible traces of the poison killing him.

"I should have waited," he whispers. "My dying doesn't hurt her less because I broke up with her. If I'd just waited I could have died having hurt her one less time. Every choice I make is wrong."

I can't help but wonder if Angel realizes who he's talking to. He can't mean to tell me this. He knows me, I will take what he's told me and hurt him with it.

Cordy and I were a great match that way, we both know how to use words as weapons. Cordy defeated Lyle Gorch with words, I did the same with Jack O'Toole.

The only thing is Cordy and I tend to hone our skill with words on the people around us. I trusted Cordy with my secrets and she used them to hurt me. Now Angel has given me the keys to truly wounding him. He shouldn't have, cause I don't want the responsibility to not use this, just like I don't want the responsibility for protecting him.

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