Title: Always
Chapter: #4 – I stay alive…
Author: Nevoreiel (lamort_noir@hotmail.com)
Pairing: Draco/Harry
Rating: R just to be safe, dark content, rape, non-concentual sex, coerced sex, violence, some language, and questionable behavior, but I like it that way. :)
Summary: Draco can't sleep so he decides to wander. To his surprise he finds Harry at the Astronomy Tower. A fight ensues and the consequences bring out strange emotions.
Disclaimer: The characters in no way, shape, or form ever did, are, or will belong to me. The twisted storyline belongs to me though. J.K. Rowling would not be caught dead writing such things. No money is made of this and who would want to pay for something like this?
Warning: The only warning would be that if RAPE and NON-CONCENTUAL SEX between the same genders make you faint, then DO NOT READ. This story is SLASH (male/male relationship); the R rating is for a reason.
Notes: Here we finally see the drama and of course more angst. And for the sake of the storyline that I have in my head let's say that there are stores with Muggle things located in Diagon Alley.
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The day starts off nice enough; the weather's not particularly hasty to take a turn for the coming winter. Deceitful weather.
I feel like I've never got up out of bed today, it seems like a dream, all hazy and untrue. How I wish it were untrue. I keep wrestling with myself. Should I tell and keep my promise or should I break that promise for my own sanity. For I will go mad if I do not choose soon. Even if I do not hold the promise to Potter I'll hold the promise to myself and this will be done at breakfast.
But how can that be. If I break the promise to Potter all promises are broken. And I'm broken, too… by Potter. Ah, this is not working. I cannot win the argument.
***
I sit listlessly at the Slytherin table. I can't help but glance at Potter ever so often. He does not look worse for wear, no outward signs that he is afraid or at least doubtful.
I barely eat as my throat is constricted and won't let anything but water pass through. I don't know if I'll be able to get the words out. Was it a wise decision? Should I reconsider?
No.
As Potter gets ready to leave the Hall I gather my courage and follow. Crabbe and Goyle amble alongside as usual.
"Potter," I put contempt in that name, as I should. "What would you say to a chat?"
"Depends on the topic?" I think he's daring me to say it. Does he know that which even I don't know?
"I think you'd be very interested in it and so will the rest of the school," I can't do this. I don't know what reaction this will bring. Am I endangering my own name? Daddy would have a fit; I'd be good as dead.
"Say whatever you came here to say unless you've forgotten it," Granger and Weasley snicker at this but I have no retort to them or Potter. Bloody hell, I've no idea what to say. This is fine mess I've put myself in.
"I just wanted to reassure you that we will flatten you in the Quidditch match," I smirk for good measure. Must be convincing. "Just thought you ought to know."
Potter's eyes are full of amusement, "And you, Malfoy, should also know that if we ever get flattened it won't be due to your superior Seeker skills."
I could strangle the bugger, why does he have to know a retort to everything I say? Couldn't he have been a little more meek and made my job easier? What job would that be?
Crabbe and Goyle move forward, looking menacing. I stop their advance with a wave of my hand, "He's not worth it." I start walking away at the last minute a retort finally reaches me, "And, Potter, don't be too self-confident. That'll land you in a bad gripe to be sure."
"No worse then what I have landed into recently," there is sadness in his voice and it makes me feel worse.
I've had enough of this, it's giving me a headache and so early in the morning, too. No more words. I do the only thing that I can think of: walk away stately without looking back.
***
The day has been spent in awful agony. How did I get down to this level, it's beyond me. It's very demoralizing to think of one thing and then realize that it makes no sense at all. How Potter manages to tantalize everyone and save the world innumerable times is beyond me as well. Hateful indeed.
And now it's almost midnight but Potter won't be there. He won't be there because I've gone and done stupid things, said stupid things, too. I still can't sleep.
With not much hope I reach the Astronomy Tower. My hope lies in that my thoughts may comfort me for a time and then I'll sleep.
I start as I realize that there is someone, someone sitting on the floor, someone who looks a lot like Potter! I must have gasped or let loose some other such sound because most suddenly he stands up and turns in my direction.
"You," he says, it sounds vaguely accusing and hurt.
"I guess that it wouldn't be appropriate to state that I'm not me?" what stupid things I still keep saying.
"No, it wouldn't. What are you doing here?" something glints in his hand but he quickly puts it into one of his pockets.
"I couldn't sleep," no use in telling him the reason. I've no wish to be laughed at.
"Any other reason?" mild amusement tinges his voice. My hate returns.
"None that you should care about," more malice then I intended but so is everything else that I do and say.
"Listen, you started this and I want out," Potter says, haughtily, too.
I sigh and cross to the wall. Memories coming unwanted I sit, leaning against it, "If my word's enough then I withdraw the agreement. The only thing that stands is that no one knows of this. We will not speak of it again."
Potter scowls, "It might be easy for you to forget, but I can't forget."
"What do you propose that I do? Cast a memory charm?" it always takes some sarcastic comments to warm me up.
"No, that won't help, you'll still remember," Potter fumbles in his pocket and takes out something unfamiliar. I don't like it.
He calmly walks closer to me and sits down, " What will help is either getting rid of you" he points at me with the metal contraption, "or revenge."
"Tsk, I think that both are ridiculous but if you insist then revenge will be best," I've no intention to answer to him on behalf of my actions.
Potter does not reply but kept staring at the metal thing in his hands.
"For god's sake, what is it that you're holding?" maybe it was not wise of me to speak because he looks up at me and his gaze is cold.
"This," he holds up the thing for emphasis, "is a gun."
"If I knew what you were talking about I might say something intelligent," I cross my arms across my chest arrogantly.
"It's a Muggle invention, quite useful, too," he moves it from hand to hand, testing it's weight, "Got it at a Muggle store in Diagon Alley. Never know when such a thing will become useful."
My mouth is parched, I don't like this at all, "And what exactly does it… do?" I'm afraid of the answer but the suspense is making me uneasy.
He smiles a haunting smile, "Why, it kills of course," simple words, matter-of-fact, any idiot should know this words. But I didn't and now that I do I reevaluate Potter.
Potter puts the slimmer end of it to his right temple and I shudder, "Now, would you like to get rid of me? It's very easy."
I don't know what to say, nothing seems right. Why does everything have to be so difficult? I have to stall, get the "gun" from him. Whatever it does it's not pretty, the design of it betrays it's sinister nature
"Erm… you don't have to do that at my behalf. Revenge sounds good, anything in particular that you had in mind?" my muscles are frozen; I've no idea what to do.
"Do not play with me anymore and do not mock me," oh, gods, why do I keep getting myself into these things?
"Ah… I don't mock you, I… I really mean what I said. I won't interfere do what you will as long as you leave me alone afterwards," stupid, stupid, why did I go and offer my throat to him?
Potter lowers his arm and smiles devilishly, "Are you completely sure of this?"
"Er… now that you mention it –"
I get rudely cut off when the gun levels with my face, oh, fuck. "Uh, Potter, what are you doing?"
"You did say that you would let me get my revenge," he looked calm and collected. How could you be calm pointing something lethal in my direction?
My eyes must be huge by now, "But I never gave you the permission to kill me." I'm sounding hysterical. Who wouldn't be?
"Ah, well, the world is cruel. You've no idea how you made me feel," his voice wavers at this.
"But if you kill me I'll never be able to know. Just give me this gun and we'll talk and I'll make it up to you, I promise," I hold out my hand and Potter glances at it doubtfully.
He looks troubled, "With what do you plead?" oh, he is merciless. My hand drops into my lap.
Good question but I have no answer, well, none that is useful to me, "I-I plead with my life."
Potter shakes his head, "Not good enough."
I'm about to retort but realize that the thing is still pointed at me, not a good time to piss off Potter. I'm going to have Hell trying to come up with something plausible that will get me out of this.
My head spins, "Please, don't do this. I mean, you can't be serious, I can't – "
This time it's Potter who backhands me across the face, unpleasant to say the least. I feel the tangy taste of blood in my mouth; I think I've bit my tongue.
"No, you see, I am serious," there is a click and my heart leaps up into my throat. I swallow with difficulty and realize that nothing is going to happen.
Potter smiles sadly at me and lowers that abomination; "You have no faith, now, do you?"
"Not when you look like you did, no," I still don't understand what happened.
I think Potter guesses as much from my dumbfounded expression because he decides to explain, "There were no bullets in it. They are these metal shells and the gun shoots them out. Shoots to kill."
He drops the thing into my hands and it feels cold. I pick it up carefully; my hands are shaking uncontrollably, and with disgust throw it to the side. It clatters as it hits the stones.
Potter rolls his eyes and rises, goes over to the spot where I threw the gun and stuffs it back into that wretched pocket. He walks back to where I'm sitting and stands there above me looking down on me. I feel quite insignificant.
"Get up," is all he says and I feel the obligation to do so. My muscles protest and I stiffly rise holding onto the wall for support.
Potter stares at me expectantly, "What?" is all I can manage.
He sighs theatrically, "Now's the time for the question of why did you do it in the first place and what happened to you threat?"
"I'm not sure," what a fool I must look.
Potter laughs at this, "What are you sure of?"
"Er… I am sorry for whatever pain I've caused you," the words feel heavy and rushed. I don't think Potter believes me.
"You're lying, say something that you really mean, Malfoy," it was said simply with no malice but does he know what he's asking of me? I think he does.
"I… I'm in… I think I… I can't say it," dejectedly I slump to the floor.
"Alright then," I see his feet moving away from me.
Pathetically I crawl after him, "No, don't leave me here."
He twirls around to face me, I can't look into his eyes, "But that's what you did, why shouldn't I do the same?" Where does he get all these good questions?
"I think I might be attached to you… in the emotional way…" I suck at this emotional crap.
He laughs again, "Interesting way to put it, have you been preparing this line for long?"
My eyes sting and then start blurring, oh, Hell, I'm going to cry. I still don't dare to look up but am obliged to when Potter kneels before me and pushes up my head.
"I see you're quite sincere about this," he strokes my hair lovingly. So nice. I close my eyes and compose myself.
"Has this attachment lasted long?" no incrimination in Potter's voice. I should probably stop calling him Potter, what's the use of that? Harry's a nice enough name. He's… Harry.
Because of him I stay alive. "Yes… always," the words feel easier to say.
He thoughtfully stares at the sky and repeats in a hushed voice, "Always."
I'm very disappointed when Potter… no, Harry, stops the soothing movement and stands up.
"Think about it some more," he strides away from me. I feel abject humiliation and abandonment after the close contact.
"No, Harry, please don't leave me," at hearing his name said, he pauses, but then moves on. I try crawling after him but my body does not respond.
I stretch my hand out to him and then let it fall. Tears are streaming down my face but I don't care, "Don't go," barely a whisper.
Love you… always.
To Be Continued…
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Next Installment: Harry's thoughts throughout the whole fiasco. This is to clear a few things up, could be the last part.
A/N: The chapter turned out better then I expected. All the chapters were proofread, there shouldn't be any errors left. The story might even have some romance in it, for me that's a development.
Note on chapter titles: All the chapter title except the 2nd one were taken from various lyrics on Nine Inch Nails' CD "The Downward Spiral". They are as follows: 1st chapter – "Piggy", 3rd chapter – "Heresy", and 4th chapter – "Closer".
And here are my thanks to all my reviewers (I will miss those who reviewed after I posted this chapter):
JaiyAlex: Of course it's not wrong that you enjoyed it. I'm very glad that you liked it and I hope the rest was just as enjoyable.
Oili: Eh, who cares if it's a proper review? Next I'll try my hand at some good old sarcasm. A humor fic is in order.
cloud berry: I live in angsty stuff. (my parents don't approve) :P
Penguingirl: You're not a sicko, I am. :) Thank you for such kind words. I aim to please, sort of.
Aquamarine: Thank you very much, your review is very poetic. I'll be sure to keep this in mind.
Demia: I still haven't happened upon one of those fics, oh well. I don't know if I have answer your prayers of originality, I have not read all there is to read and I was bound to repeat at least something.
BabyPufoo: Thank you, I hope you enjoyed the rest.
Cherries: There are always worse things. I agree Draco is very cool.
Silverwitch: I hope those fics were able to finally gross you out or at least came close. Maybe I'll still be able to answer your challenge, I can't resist one.
Celeste: Happy that you likes it so much. Well, you can sort of say that they do fall in love. In a weird demented way. ;)
Hannya: Harry is cute when he is being abused and also when he's the abuser. :) Sometimes the unlikely love stories do grind on my nerves.
Hatsumomo: Honoured that this little thing caught your attention after all those pages. That legendary willpower of Harry's has actually shown itself. I really tried to keep in character (haha). No hard feelings for lack of flaming. Oh, and did I surprise you?
Baby j: Glad you like it. Might even do a sequel of sorts if an idea shows itself to me.
Lilah.Morgan: Ah, I'm glad that you like the story. I was going more for the emotional impact of it all rather than the descriptions of everything else. I still suck at anything too descriptive.