Choosing Ones' Battles

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

I got started down this path because of the most selfish of reasons: self-preservation. At first I help when I was in danger. Then I realized that if the world was in danger so was I. Next I found that I cared about the people I fought beside, that I would hurt if they hurt.

That was scary. Even after Xander and Willow betrayed me I still cared. Thanks to Anya, the former vengeance demon, and the love of Xander's life, I know about the other timeline. The one where Buffy never came to Sunnydale and the Master rose. I know why I wished Buffy out of my life, it's simple really. I wanted to go back to caring only about myself, life was easier then.

I went to LA to become an actress for about the same reason, to escape from caring about others. More importantly to escape from those people I already cared too much about.

But LA was lonely and dangerous. I'd been lonely before joining Buffy's little club of evil fighters. I'd dealt with it then, I thought I could do it again, but it hurts more when you know what you're missing. I wonder if it's the same for Angel.

Yeah Angel. Back in High School I never care what anyone else felt, and when it came to Angel I was in perfect agreement with Xander: Stake him now, before he could do any more damage. Why would I want to save him anyway? It wasn't to my advantage.

Yes I admit he rescued me quite a few times but he also endangered me, and he like Buffy better than me. I really hated that. The way he could look at Buffy and I standing side by side, her straight from patrolling and me dressed to the nines and he'd only see her. Even Buffy knew I looked better, but not Angel. When he looked at Buffy he saw something that transcended any physical beauty, something that I apparently lacked. That hurt.

But when I saw him that night in LA he was the answer to my prayers. He eased the loneliness because he was a link to Sunnydale, he was an awesome protector, and he was safe. I mean I had known the guy for three years and could still suggest staking him without batting an eye, I didn't think it likely that I'd start caring about him then.

And helping him in his quest for redemption, that was just temporary. A way to pay the rent until my career took off.

I guess things started changing when I thought it was cute, if embarrassing, that he acted like my dad or at least a protective older brother every time I went out on a date.

To make matters worse I figured out that I couldn't be happy with an empty, loveless relationship, even if the guy was really rich. So I gave in and fell for Doyle, started caring about one of the save the world types again. Only to have Doyle die, and in dying he left me a legacy, his visions.

For a while I kept my pretense that Angel Investigations was just a stepping-stone for me. I kept going to auditions and trying to meet the right people. The truth was that the Powers That Be had me as securely as they had any of us.

I couldn't ignore the visions, my conscious wouldn't let the people I saw in them come to harm without trying to help.

In addition the grief Angel and I shared over Doyle's death shattered the distance I'd maintained from him. Oh I didn't fall for him or anything stupid and pointless like that. We became friends, family even, closer than family really. Well closer than the families I was used to. I wonder if that's another side effect of the Hellmouth, cause I've heard of families that are everything the storybooks say a family should be, but I didn't see many of those in Sunnydale, CA. The closest to that ideal was Buffy's family, sure her dad was the invisible man, but her mom loved her and tried to be part of her life. That was better than the rest of us. My dad was completely involved in being a crooked businessman, while mom was always preoccupied with her malady of the week. Willow's parents were both very dedicated career people, they never saw her unless she was hurt or in trouble, and by hurt I mean hospitalized. I don't know what was with Oz's parents but I do know that he didn't even bother to hide it when he stayed out all night. He could go whole weeks without ever setting foot in his home. And I'd still rather have any of our parents rather than Xander's. Xander's parents liked to act like everything was good with them, but an unbiased person would think that they hated one another. Put any two members of Xander's family in the same room for more than five minutes and the screaming would start. They just couldn't seem to stand the sight of one another, and they were always ready to let each other know what they thought of one another.

In retrospect that makes my relationship with Xander sort of scary. We fought, we cut each other's egos to shreds then we made out as a way of making up. Way too close to the relationship his parents shared for my comfort.

Even Angel, Giles, Wesley and Spike weren't on good terms with their families, even if their families weren't with them when we met. Giles had his whole icky teen-rebellion thing with that awful Ethan Raynes person, because his parents tried to force him into a life he didn't want. Then he ends up doing exactly what they wanted because of what he saw when he was dabbling with the dark side. Still that didn't lead to any great reconciliation or anything with his family. Wesley's father was abusive plain and simple.

Angel killed his family, but that was the demon, the no-soul version of Angel, so that doesn't really count. One the other hand he was a complete looser when he was human, much worse than Xander even, and his family just did they're best not to be associated with him. I don't know the whole story, cause it happened back in the dark ages, but from some of the things I've heard Angel say his drawing was some part of the problem. Which is kind of sad, I've seen some of his pictures, he could have been a really good artist. Or maybe not, he has had two and a half centuries to practice after all.

Spike didn't even have a family, not that he could remember any way. Angelus found him when he was just a little kid, and he had a long succession of people raise Spike, all of whom he killed for one reason or another. When Spike was old enough Angel turned him into a vampire. Both Spike and Angel say child vampires like the Anointed One end up real unstable after a few decades. I can see that, I mean who would want to be a little kid forever? But Spike and Angel say it's asking for problems to turn anyone less than twenty because their minds aren't fully developed.

Well I had to point out that Angel turned Theresa when he lost his soul and Spike turned Billy Fordham who were both teenagers. But it turns out in both cases they know Buffy would stake those two before they could do anything. At the time I resented the implication that teenagers were less than totally mature. Now I have to admit that they were right.

I'm not the person I was back then. I'm not so self-centered; I can't help but feel for others. I know that I'll never be able to ignore the darkness that exists in this world. I'm one of the white-hats, I don't fight that anymore.

It's just, sometimes, when things aren't too hectic, I get to thinking. I don't like the things I think. I think about how the Powers That Be, both for good and for evil don't really give a damn about us.

We're just the pieces in the game that they play. Some pieces, like Spike and Angel get traded; others like Doyle and Jenny Calendar get destroyed.

They acquire us any way that they can; for Buffy it was destiny, for Giles heritage, Angel guilt, Spike a computer chip implanted in his brain and the rest of us just sort of fell into it from a misguided, okay, not so misguided, sense of duty.

The bad guys have they're own recruiting techniques. Either way the Power That Be pull us in then they use us up. They don't let any one go.

Buffy's the older slayer in recorded history, she's twenty-four. Angel risks himself endlessly in a search for a redemption which he'll never receive. He's had chances to escape this life but he turned them down, his guilt won't let him ever step aside.

We've all given up so much of our lives and innocence for these Higher Power's amusement and what do we get in return? Misery, lost friends and allies, early graves, that's all.

The struggle may bring out the best in us. It has forged friendships closer than I'd ever imagined possible. But it only ends with our deaths.

I wish I'd gotten embroiled in a battle which could be won.

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