Thoughts, Hopes, Plans

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

It's funny, the things we think. We always fool ourselves that things can go back to the way they were.

Look at Buffy and Angel for example, when he came back from Hell they thought things could be like they were back when they were pussy-footing around the word love. Like they was when I first saw 'em here in Sunnyhell.

They couldn't, even without the whole soul loss thing they still couldn't of turned things back. "I love you," can't be unsaid, it changes a relationship forever.

"Just friends," who did they think they were kidden, other than themselves o' course.

But I'm not really one to talk. I've fooled meself as well. Told meself things I'd be like the old days after Angel lost his soul. They weren't. I was stuck in that blasted chair and he and Dru were all over each other. On top of that Angelus was going way overboard to prove he hadn't gone soft.

Back afore the curse Angel hadn't been the type to destroy the world anymore than I am. Back then, even without his soul he'd been sane.

I mean we vampires are right up at the top of the food chain. Why the Hell would we want to change that?

Bring back the old ones; we end up their servants, at best. At worst they'll think like the Scourge and we'll be the ones hunted. I don't fancy that. Kill off all the mortals, what would we eat then?

In the old day Angelus knew things like that. Back then we truly were the family that Dru called us. I think being held down by Angel's soul for all those years drove the demon round the bend in a serious way.

But the truth was Angel weren't the only one in our little family to change. For almost a century it had been just Dru and me, and we'd grown up. Or at least I did. Angel was our sire, means he created us, he controlled and protected us as well. When Angel disappeared neither Dru nor I were ready to be on our own. It had never even occurred to either of us to challenge him. We were slow to mature; Angel liked us that way. He fixed Dru so she'd never be able to stand on her own.

Me, I was a century old and still following him around like a puppy. Angel challenged Darla after only forty years; he did it by turning me. See in a coven new vampires are only brought across by the group's master, or with his or her permission.

When Angel brought me home, Darla was going to destroy me as a punishment for Angel since he hadn't asked. Angel told her no, they fought, Angel won. After that Darla wasn't the dominant one in their relationship any more.

Angel and Darla are real different about their children, I've seen that. Darla makes 'em on impulse, a pretty face catches her attention and she turns them ten minutes later, then gets bored with them in a decade or so. If they don't get broken first that is. Darla considered her children to be her toys, and she wasn't real good about taking care of those toys. Beyond that she'd never take a risk for them, they just weren't worth it to her. That's why Dru and me didn't go to her after Angel vanished.

Angel on the other hand was a damned possessive bastard, and real choosy as well. He played with Dru for years, making her just what he wanted before turning her. He did the same with me, only he was a lot younger when I was made, I was his first childe. When he found me, I actually was a child, he couldn't keep me with him then, he wasn't ready for Darla to know about me yet. But he found people to take care of me for him. He'd usually get mad at them and kill em every time he came to see how I was. Then he'd have to find someone new. That made him the only stable figure in my life, the only one I could depend on to always come back, I think, sometimes, that he killed them for just that reason.

Dru and I were the ones he took the most pains with, but I never knew him to take someone as a childe unless he knew them a mortal for at least a few months. Once Angel choose someone to be one of his children he didn't ever let them go, and he didn't allow anyone else to come near us.

I've seen Angel get himself pretty bashed up on account of some more powerful vampire or other demon taking a fancy to one of his, but Angel never gave any of us up. He never lost either. Shear determination was the only explanation I have for that. That and the fact he doesn't believe in fighting fair.

Cause of that we were loyal to him. Angel could risk getting broke up cause me and Dru and the other, we'd take care of him. See that he'd be protected while he healed. Most vamps wouldn't, most would kill anyone that showed weakness. Not us, Angel taught us we were stronger as a team.

He told us we didn't have to worry about demons or other vamps or even the Slayer, cause they were all alone and we weren't. Cause even when other vamps worked together they feared and mistrusted one another, and that made them weaker.

He remembered that when he went after Buffy. He took her friends from her before going for the kill, but he forgot that loyalty is earned, not given. So in the end she was alone, but then so was he.

I betrayed Angel, broke our family. But he betrayed me first. Dru was mine; she'd always been mine. Even before the curse she'd been mine. Not mine alone, but still mine. Before the curse I handed minded sharing her affection with him, because I was his too.

Then I was his first and favorite childe. His second in command, not just the butt of his stupid little jokes! Yes when he came back my spine was crushed and I was stuck in that damnable chair, but I'd been doing what he taught!

I made Dru better. I went up against Soul-boy and the Slayer and their friends all to protect one of my own, Dru, the love of my unlife. And I got hurt doing it, so what? There's no shame in getting hurt.

No one made fun when Angel was blind for almost two years after getting in a fight with a bunch of Katvean Demons what were trying to burn our lair around us.

But when Angel came back to us he'd changed. It's the way of the world, everything, everyone changes and you can't go back.

I thought I could go back by getting rid of the new and deproved version of Angelus. But to do that I had to team up with the Slayer, and Dru couldn't forgive that. I'd betrayed her. I tried everything I knew to undo that, even torture, but the past can't be changed, it just has to be lived with.

Which is not to say I realized that straight off. After I gave up on Dru I tried to go back to how it had been before I fell in love with her. It dint' work any better. I'm not the demon I was back them. I'm not even the demon I was yesterday.

I'm… we're all, forever, changing and trying to go back will only bring grief. I'm not what I was. I'm not a mortal boy waiting patiently for his hero's return. I'm not Angel's lieutenant. I'm not Dru's lover. I'm not the Slayer's mortal enemy. I'm not the "Big Bad." I'm not even a killer anymore, thanks to the thrice-damned Initiative. Tonight I learned I can still fight demons. I won't be a nothing. I can't be the bad guy. I guess I'll give being the good guy a go.

The world moves forward, I've no choice but to do the same.

Maybe I'll ask Angel for pointers on being a good vampire. Maybe I'll ask the little Witch to adapt the restoration spell and do it to Dru. Course she'll have to get rid of that ridiculous happiness clause, cause I intend to make Dru very, very happy.

We couldn't go back to what we had been, but maybe, it we all change enough we could come back together as something new and better.

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