After Thoughts

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

I watch Drucillia and her thugs carry my body away. I start after them then stop. It doesn't concern me anymore. Well, I was dying anyway now wasn't I?

Still I would have liked to spend more time with my Angel… Angel! He's still lying on the floor where they left him. I've never seen him look so horrified. Oh my poor boy, you never could stand to be helpless and you so hated failure. I wish I could talk to you Angel, I wish I could tell you that you didn't fail.

You didn't have to save my life Angel, just my soul. No one could have saved my life; choices I made more than four hundred years ago cost me my life. I didn't think anyone could reach my soul either, but you did.

You cared about me didn't you Angel. Maybe you didn't love me, but you cared, more than you cared about yourself. No one's ever done that before. No one has ever put my well being above anything, let alone their own life. I guess that means more than having you love me.

I wish you did though. Oh Angel, I've loved you for centuries. You may need a soul to love, but I don't. I've loved you ever since I chose you over my Master. He loved me; I was his Dear One, his Darla. I've been her for so long I can't even remember who I was before that. But I chose you, my arrogant, beautiful boy, I chose you.

And you never loved me, but you would have died for me. I wish I knew why. I was going to ask you that, but I didn't get the chance. Did you do it because it was the right thing to do? Quite frankly I don't see the logic in that, maybe you do. You're a good person Angel. I didn't believe they existed. You gave me back my faith in humanity.

You made me feel safe, protected, cared for. You took away my anger. I've been angry for so long my Angel. Angry with God, he never helped me. Angry with my family, they didn't care about me, not like they were supposed to. Angry with the men who used me, they gave me the disease that was killing me. Angry at myself…

I'm sure you understood that, my Angel. You were born in anger as well, Angelus. The world hurt us in life so we made it scream in death.

You let go of your anger, your pain. Somehow you healed from the wounds life had dealt you after you left me. And then you helped me to take the first steps toward doing the same.

You did more for me than anyone has in my entire existence, don't feel bad for what you couldn't do Angel.

I'd like to tell you that the vampire who will rise won't be me. That's what they tell the Slayers isn't it, that it's just a demon-animated corpse and not the person it was before. Even your little cheerleader doesn't understand what it is that she kills. We know though, the vampire comes from the human. The demon replaces your soul, but your mind, your body; they're still the same. Your compassion is gone, but your passions remain. You didn't exterminate the people of Galway because they were convenient did you Angelus? You did it because they hurt him, that boy who would become the Scourge of Europe. I don't remember his name, but don't feel slighted; I've forgotten the name of the girl I used to be as well. Still her life shaped me, her fears, her hopes, her loves, her disappointments, they're all a part of me, just as the vampire is a part of me, and I'll be a part of the new vampire who will soon rise.

Our memories make us who we are and those remain. When the gypsies returned your soul you didn't go back to being that boy, didn't even take his name back. May you just didn't remember it, or maybe you realized that what you'd done changed you too much for you to ever go back. Without Angelus the boy couldn't have become Angel, I understand that, but does your Slayer?

When my body rises as a vampire again she'll hold all my memories. She's born of me, all that's left of me, but you'll still have to kill her. I hope you can my Angel, because she'll hurt you and I don't want you hurt.

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