A/N: Okay, here's the deal. This is an old story and I've been BEATING WHAT LITTLE BRAINS I HAVE against a wall trying to come up with something for a second chapter but guess what. I've got nothing. So I'm looking for ideas! Any ideas out there? Come on, I'm not picky! Don't be shy! I know you're out there! You'll also be happy to know I fixed poor Helga's name. A thousand apologys miss Hufflepuff! I shall be severely punished for my mistakes. Thirty lashes before I walk the plank!
Oh! I almost forgot! I own nothing. I don't even own this computer. I actually crawled down to the junk yard and found this old thrown out computer and set it up so I could power it by solar energy. Hey, would anyone really come down on me if I said I did own Harry Potter? Uh oh, they might. they probably will. I gotta get rid of that. Oh shoot! the backspace buttons gone...
Chapter 1
Many many many many many countless years ago, (well I'm sure someone's counted them) a very old and wise and rather sickly Godric Gryffindor sat at a round table with his closest friends, the three co-founders of the new up and running Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Somehow, sensing his time on this earth was running short he'd gathered them all together so he could divide up his many (and I mean MANY) worldly possessions among them. They'd all come for the free stuff.
"And finally, I leave all my books and many writings to the new library of Hogwarts so future students may look at them and read them and...learn...thingssnoorrrrrrrr". Rowena leaned over and shook him awake. "Oh! Sorry. And most importantly, I leave the school..."
Salazar Slytherin sat in his chair with his hands folded on the table tapping his foot impatiently. So far Godric had left his money to the school, his books to the school, his weaponry to the school, all those lovely antiques (or they would be considered antiques someday) to the school. He'd left his robes to Helga Hufflepuff and his pet chimpanzee 'Monkey McChimpington' to Rowena Ravenclaw. Someone feeling a little left out?
"I leave the school, my hat." He took the hat off his thin white haired head and set it on the table in front of everyone. They looked at it with wonder. What could be so very valuable about this old hat and just how bad do you think it smells under their? is pretty much what they were wondering.
I have bewitched my hat to think like I would in choosing which house a student of Hogwarts shall be placed in. It will be unbiased when it decides where a students unique qualities would best flourish and grow simply by placing it on the student's head. With this hat, I shall live on at Hogwarts for...ev..ersssssnnnooooorrrrrrrr......" Rowena reached over and shook him awake again.
Salazar jumped up.
"Wait! how do we know we can trust this old hat to divide up the students properly? How do we know it's not going to just put all the best students into Gryffindor?"
"Hush Sally!" said Helga.
"Don't call me that!"
"Here, place the hat on your head and tell us what it says." Said Godric calmly. He passed the hat to Rowena first. She placed it over her head and listened. After only a second the hat shouted "RAVENCLAW!" She smiled and pulled it off.
"It said I'm clever and ready-minded." She passed the hat over the Helga who excitedly put it on. It immediately called out "HUFFLEPUFF!" She pulled it off and proudly stated, " It said I'm patient and hard-working!" She passed it over to Salazar who lazily plopped it on his head and sighed listening. Finally it shouted "SLYTHERIN!" Without pulling it off, he saw the anxious faces waiting to hear what the hat had told him.
"It said shut the hell up about the stupid hat and get on with your life." Salazar crossed his arms and pouted while the other's snickered at him.
But you know, sometimes fate chooses odd times to have those life changing moments take place in your life. For example, you could be walking down the street on your way to buy your dog his constipations medicine when you meet the man/woman of your dreams. Or you may be looking through the trash trying to find your cousin Betsy's retainer when your struck by some inspiration to write a poem about cheese doodles which then becomes the most famous piece of writing in history. Well, fate, unfortunately chose this moment to have Salazar Slytherin spontaneously combust. Yes, as the other three laughed at the fact that the enchanted hat had insulted him, Salazar suddenly burst into flames, with the hat on. Everyone stared for a few minutes in shock at what had just happened. The pile of ashes that had just been Salazar Slytherin spilled onto the floor. Finally Godric decided to say something.
"Damn it! I really liked that hat!" Helga went to get the dust-buster and Rowena turned to Godric.
"So now what should we use to sort the students?"
"Okay, wait, I have another idea." said Godric. He pulled off his shoe and placed his sock on the table.
"A sock? That's your idea?" said Rowena.
"I don't know, I guess it just, spontaneously popped into my head!" Rowena and Godric laughed hysterically at the amusing little pun. Helga did not look so amused.
"Don't you guys care that poor Salazar just suffered a pretty horrific death?" she said as she sucked Salazar up into the hand-held-Hoover.
"Yeah yeah yeah, But seriously, a sock? Is that the best you can come up with?" said Rowena.
"It's either that or my boxers."
"Sock is good! I can work with a sock! It's a nice sock too..."
A/N: and then...............................something happens....................I just don't know what!
help!