Part 14
"Why are you here Angel?"
"First, you're going to tell me what I just saw out there."
They were sitting at the kitchen island, Buffy across from Angel. William was to her right, with a paper towel pressed to his nose. Buffy glanced over to him guiltily before facing Angel. "You just interrupted us... I mean we were. I was throwing myself at him."
"That's not what it looked like."
"I know what you thought. You were wrong."
"Then why were you kissing him?"
"That's none of your business."
"You are both my business. I'm responsible..."
"For nothing!" Buffy stood up, angry. "You gave up 'responsible' a long time ago."
'Buffy..." William placed a calming hand on her arm. His face had stopped bleeding. "He does have a right to know if you're in danger. At least hear him out."
"You're defending him?" She looked at his bruised face. "Where has he been the last two years?" She shook his hand off. "Oh, I see. The two noble vampires with souls are all teamed up now to serve the higher purpose."
"Not exactly." William looked down and shook his head.
"What then?" Buffy looked from one to the other.
"What has he told you?" Angel wanted to know.
"Not much." She admitted. "I know that Cordelia picked him up in Africa and brought him to you. You were in some sort of trouble."
"That's all?" Angel asked, eyeing William warily.
"What was there to tell? The two of you spent the summer in LA brooding together, then you sent him back here because you had more important things to do"
"Did he tell you that?" Angel's eyes blazed.
"No. That's just my take."
"Buffy," William interrupted. "I asked Angel to let me come back here."
"Let you? Since when do you listen to anything he has to say?"
"It was easier to come with his blessing than fight him."
"I don't understand you two. You're fighting on the same side now. You had all summer to work this out. Why all the hostility?"
"We have over a hundred years of bad history to work through Buffy. William showing up with a new outlook on life doesn't just make that go away."
"So you two spent the last three months squabbling over who gets to be the general, and who gets to be the foot soldier?"
Angel shook his head. "I was in pretty bad shape when Cordy brought him around. It took me a while to get my strength back. I didn't find out about his soul until later. By that time..."
William smirked. "Seems that I'd invaded his turf. Thought I'd do him a good turn and keep his business going for him. I shoulda remembered his jealous streak."
"It wasn't that and you know it. You did everything you could to rub it in. You could have made things easier." Angel sneered.
"What, spend a few years wallowing in my misery, living off of rats? Not my idea of making a difference. Besides, I had to shake you out of that great blue funk you were in."
"You knew how I was betrayed..."
"Yeah, and you laying around pissing and moaning about it wasn't doing much to help the situation."
Buffy frowned. "What? You two spent the entire time at each other's throats?"
"We managed well enough once the cheerleader talked some sense into the big pouf."
"I told you not to call me that. And don't call her a cheerleader."
"Oh yeah, what exactly is it that you're calling her these days?"
"Shut up, William."
"Sod off."
Buffy smacked her hands on the counter top with a loud crack. "Stop it, both of you!"
They stopped arguing. "Sorry Buffy." Angel's voice was quiet. "He just gets under my skin."
"He seems to have that effect on a lot of people."
Rather than being insulted, William looked rather pleased with himself. "Very well then. I think I'll be off. You two have a lot to..."
"Wait just a minute." Angel growled. "I still want to know what was going on out there tonight."
William shuffled his feet uncomfortably. "Look. It was a one-time thing. We had a fight with a group of vamps and got a little worked up. It won't happen again, will it Buffy?"
"I don't understand how it happened in the first place." Angel eyed William speculatively. "Are those scratches...?"
Buffy blushed and turned her face. "Why don't you just tell us why you came here tonight."
Angel walked away to collect his thoughts, then turned to the other two. "There have been some rumblings in the Demon world that something big is going to go down here."
"Well yeah, we'd kind of sussed that out." William told him.
Buffy spent the next half-hour detailing all the recent demon and vampire encounters, with William adding in comments and observations. Angel sat quietly through the narrative, nodding thoughtfully from time to time, his silence revealing his concentration. Finally he sighed and stood to pace around the small kitchen.
"I really don't have anything new to add to what I've already told you. I'll have Fred go over some of this other information to see what she can dig up."
"Fred?" Buffy frowned. "I thought Wesley was your big research guy."
"Don't go there pet." William warned. His warning was too late, as Angel had already launched into a rant on traitors. "He does go on, doesn't he?" He whispered into her ear, before walking over to clap his hand across Angel's shoulder. "Seems to me I've played that role for you as well, Peaches, and looky at how well we're doing."
"Fu..."
"Ah, ah, ah." William wagged a finger at him. "Temper, temper." He turned to Buffy. "At that, I'll be off. Seems to me you and the dreary one have a lot to discuss, and you don't need me around bollixing things up." He walked over the refrigerator and jotted down an address on the notepad there. He tore it off the top sheet of paper and handed it to the other man. "This is my place, Angel. If you need somewhere to crash and you aren't feeling inclined to stake me after you and Blondie have your heart- to-heart, come on over. The fridge is stocked and you can help yourself. Just see that you don't wake me up with that god-awful snoring racket you make." With that, he turned and breezed out the back door.
Angel noted how Buffy watched him go. He approached her soundlessly and took her chin gently in his hand. He studied the conflicting emotions in her face. "What's going on with you two Buffy?"
She avoided his gaze. "What did he tell you?"
"He said he wanted a soul because he was in love with you. He thought it would give him a shot." A pitying look crossed his face. "He should have known you'd never feel that way toward him."
"There's something you should know." Buffy searched for the right words, hoping that Angel would somehow understand. "The last two years have been so hard for me."
"I know Buffy."
"No you don't!" Her head snapped up angrily. "You don't know because you weren't here."
"But you've told me..."
"It isn't the same." She fidgeted restlessly. "First Dawn showed up and we found out that she hadn't really ever been here, then Riley left." She looked at Angel accusingly. "I'm sure that pleased you to no end."
"I never like to see you hurting."
"He was right to go." She let out a soft breath. "He knew I didn't love him the way he needed me to. I cared about him, but it wasn't enough." She looked at Angel. "I thought I couldn't have real feelings for another man after you."
"I'm... I'm sorry Buffy."
"No." She put her hand up, as if to ward off his words. "I don't want to hear that from you. I just want you to understand."
"Understand what?"
"I need you to understand where my head was. My mother died and I was alone to take care of Dawn and the rest of the world."
"Buffy, I knew that you had Giles and your friends. And if you needed me all you had to do was call."
"What?" She looked at him in frustration. "Call you so you could come out and hold my hand and say sweet things to make me feel better, then leave before sunup?"
"I know." He acknowledged quietly.
"You weren't here, but he was." She looked at him steadily. "Spike never had to be asked to help. He was here and he did what I needed without question. He almost died twice protecting Dawn, even when everybody else thought it was hopeless."
"His motives weren't completely pure Buffy."
"I know that. I know he was trying to play nice to score some points with me."
"Then why are you telling me this?"
"Did you know that he stayed around after I died? Did you know that he still fought demons and vampires; that he still took care of my sister?"
"It was guilt..."
"He had no soul Angel. Where did he get the guilt?" Her eyes flashed angrily again. "You never seemed to have any."
Angel had no answer for her.
"Then when I was brought back, I felt alone... only half alive." She studied his face for reaction. "Except when I was with him."
"What are you trying to say Buffy? You didn't..."
"I started sleeping with him."
"No!"
"He loved me. He let me... use him." She looked down in shame.
"Oh Buffy." He shook his head. "You were weak. He took advantage of you."
"No, he didn't."
"He saw his chance to move in, and that's what he did. What happened? Did he wait until you were alone and needy, then make his move?"
"It was me. I started it."
"You wouldn't. Not with him."
"Wake up! Why would I lie to you about this?" She clenched her hands, determined to make him listen. "I went to him. I started everything. I would sleep with him, then I would tell him that he was a disgusting thing and that I would never touch him again, but I always did. Over and over and over again." She looked up at him, her face full of shame. "I even beat him and told him I could never love him. Then I went to him again."
"What did he do to you? He said he."
She thought for a moment. "Look, it wasn't the best situation, and when I finally ended it, things got... ugly." She paused. "Then he left."
"Buffy, that twisted relationship; that wasn't you."
"Oh yes, it was. Now you tell me, who was the monster?" She began to cry. "I didn't want you to find out. I never wanted you to know I had that kind of ugliness inside me." She turned away from him. "It took almost losing the world and being powerless to stop it to make me stop thinking about myself. I almost threw everything away."
"Buffy, come here." He took her hands and led her to a chair. He sat facing her. "Do you think you're the only one who's done terrible things in the last year?"
"You're good, Angel. You wouldn't use someone who loved you like that."
"Maybe it's time you found out about the ugliness inside of me."
"It can't be worse."
"I turned my back on all my friends. I tried to lose my soul."
"Why? How?"
"I was in a dark place. I wanted to stop the pain. So I slept with Darla."
Buffy's eyes grew wide. "Did you...?"
"No. Sex alone wasn't enough to break the curse. I didn't love her, so it didn't really mean anything to me."
"Oh." Buffy fiddled with a button on her shirt, surprised. "So it wasn't the. I mean, when you turned evil it wasn't just because we.?
"No. It was because of how I felt about you when I was with you."
"I see." She swallowed hard as she digested that bit of information. "So you tried to change, but it didn't take?"
"That's not the worst of it. I used Darla and Drusilla to slaughter humans."
Buffy's head shot up. Her expression was stricken.
"They were human, but they were monsters."
"Angel, it's not up to us to pass judgment on humans."
"I know. And I also know that you will probably never see me in the same light again, but I worked through that time in my life, and I've tried to make it up to the friends I hurt in LA. It's taken a lot of time to earn their trust again."
"I don't know what to say."
"That isn't all of it." He waited until she nodded, ready to hear more. "Darla had a baby. My baby."
"Oh no." The color drained from Buffy's face. "How could that happen?" she whispered in shock.
"It was a miracle, and a prophecy. Darla is dead, but now I have Connor."
"You had a child and you didn't even think to tell me?" Disbelief still colored her words. "You have a baby?"
"He's not a baby any more." Angel went on to relate how Wesley had betrayed him and how Connor had grown up without his real father, then returned to kill him. "... And that's when Cordy showed up with William."
"You called her Cordy."
"Yes."
"William said something earlier about her, and you defended her." Buffy watched his expression closely. "She was there while you went through all this."
He nodded, but remained silent.
"She used to have a wicked crush on you. Did you know that?"
"She was just a kid then."
"So was I." Understanding was dawning inside her. "You have feelings for her, don't you?"
Angel paused, then nodded again.
"Are you in love with Cordelia?" Her incredulous expression told him that she already knew the answer.
"I haven't told her yet."
"Oh Angel. What's happened to us?"
"We're just moving on with our lives."
"You are." She spat bitterly.
"And so are you... now."
"What do you mean?"
"Tell me about William."
"I already did."
"You told me that you were lost, and that you used him. But then you found yourself again." He waited for her agreement. "And now you've put your life back together and rediscovered your family and friends."
"That's right."
"Then tell me why you were kissing him tonight. Are you still using him?"
"No." She shook her head, then looked up at him in wonder. "No, I'm not."
"Why did you kiss him, Buffy?"
"Because he was there..."
"Is that why you usually kiss men?"
"No! I..."
"Tell me."
"I wanted him."
"You wanted a man?"
"No, I wanted him!" The words poured out of her in a flurry. "He makes me laugh and he's there when I need him. He makes me so mad I can't see straight, then quotes beautiful poetry. He teases my sister like an older brother would and she adores him. He fights beside me like he's an extension of me. He understands me better than I understand myself. He always has."
"Are you telling me that you love him?"
Buffy stopped. She looked down and all around the room - anywhere but at Angel. "I just don't know." She walked to the door and stood looking into the darkness outside with her arms wrapped tightly around herself. "Why was it different with him?"
Angel moved behind her and rested his hands lightly on her shoulders. "What do you mean?"
She turned to look at him. "Why could he love me when he had no soul, but you couldn't?" Her eyes were glassy with tears that threatened to spill if she blinked.
He turned her into the cool comfort of his embrace and rocked her gently back and forth as her tears broke free. "Oh Buffy, it wasn't you. Don't ever think it was because of you." He loosened his hold on her and she stepped back, wiping her eyes with her fingertips.
"Why then?"
"When Drusilla turned him he was idealistic, full of hope and romantic notions. She just caught him at a weak moment. He was able to keep that part of himself." Angel's face hardened. "I had very little humanity left in me when I met Darla. I was shallow and lazy, looking out only for my own interests. There was nothing left when the demon took over."
She nodded in understanding. "Your soul made you feel again."
He nodded. "Spike never lost that. That's probably why I always resented him so much. I used to tell him that he was soft and weak. I would use his feelings against him to try and control him." Angel smiled at the irony. "That's what finally drove him to turn on me."
"You would have destroyed the world."
"It's what I wanted."
"Then why is it so much harder for me to forgive him?"
"You're going to have to answer that one yourself, Buffy."
*****
Angel left quietly. Buffy watched him walk away, then shut off the lights and started up the stairs to her bedroom. Dawn jumped up from her place on the staircase where she had listened to most of the conversation. She ran as quietly as she could to her room and jumped under the covers to feign sleep as Buffy passed by to look in on her. After Buffy had gone, Dawn looked up and slowly a brilliant smile bloomed across her face. She bit her bottom lip in glee, then hugged her pillow before plumping it back into a puffy shape, and lying back down to dream happy dreams.
"Why are you here Angel?"
"First, you're going to tell me what I just saw out there."
They were sitting at the kitchen island, Buffy across from Angel. William was to her right, with a paper towel pressed to his nose. Buffy glanced over to him guiltily before facing Angel. "You just interrupted us... I mean we were. I was throwing myself at him."
"That's not what it looked like."
"I know what you thought. You were wrong."
"Then why were you kissing him?"
"That's none of your business."
"You are both my business. I'm responsible..."
"For nothing!" Buffy stood up, angry. "You gave up 'responsible' a long time ago."
'Buffy..." William placed a calming hand on her arm. His face had stopped bleeding. "He does have a right to know if you're in danger. At least hear him out."
"You're defending him?" She looked at his bruised face. "Where has he been the last two years?" She shook his hand off. "Oh, I see. The two noble vampires with souls are all teamed up now to serve the higher purpose."
"Not exactly." William looked down and shook his head.
"What then?" Buffy looked from one to the other.
"What has he told you?" Angel wanted to know.
"Not much." She admitted. "I know that Cordelia picked him up in Africa and brought him to you. You were in some sort of trouble."
"That's all?" Angel asked, eyeing William warily.
"What was there to tell? The two of you spent the summer in LA brooding together, then you sent him back here because you had more important things to do"
"Did he tell you that?" Angel's eyes blazed.
"No. That's just my take."
"Buffy," William interrupted. "I asked Angel to let me come back here."
"Let you? Since when do you listen to anything he has to say?"
"It was easier to come with his blessing than fight him."
"I don't understand you two. You're fighting on the same side now. You had all summer to work this out. Why all the hostility?"
"We have over a hundred years of bad history to work through Buffy. William showing up with a new outlook on life doesn't just make that go away."
"So you two spent the last three months squabbling over who gets to be the general, and who gets to be the foot soldier?"
Angel shook his head. "I was in pretty bad shape when Cordy brought him around. It took me a while to get my strength back. I didn't find out about his soul until later. By that time..."
William smirked. "Seems that I'd invaded his turf. Thought I'd do him a good turn and keep his business going for him. I shoulda remembered his jealous streak."
"It wasn't that and you know it. You did everything you could to rub it in. You could have made things easier." Angel sneered.
"What, spend a few years wallowing in my misery, living off of rats? Not my idea of making a difference. Besides, I had to shake you out of that great blue funk you were in."
"You knew how I was betrayed..."
"Yeah, and you laying around pissing and moaning about it wasn't doing much to help the situation."
Buffy frowned. "What? You two spent the entire time at each other's throats?"
"We managed well enough once the cheerleader talked some sense into the big pouf."
"I told you not to call me that. And don't call her a cheerleader."
"Oh yeah, what exactly is it that you're calling her these days?"
"Shut up, William."
"Sod off."
Buffy smacked her hands on the counter top with a loud crack. "Stop it, both of you!"
They stopped arguing. "Sorry Buffy." Angel's voice was quiet. "He just gets under my skin."
"He seems to have that effect on a lot of people."
Rather than being insulted, William looked rather pleased with himself. "Very well then. I think I'll be off. You two have a lot to..."
"Wait just a minute." Angel growled. "I still want to know what was going on out there tonight."
William shuffled his feet uncomfortably. "Look. It was a one-time thing. We had a fight with a group of vamps and got a little worked up. It won't happen again, will it Buffy?"
"I don't understand how it happened in the first place." Angel eyed William speculatively. "Are those scratches...?"
Buffy blushed and turned her face. "Why don't you just tell us why you came here tonight."
Angel walked away to collect his thoughts, then turned to the other two. "There have been some rumblings in the Demon world that something big is going to go down here."
"Well yeah, we'd kind of sussed that out." William told him.
Buffy spent the next half-hour detailing all the recent demon and vampire encounters, with William adding in comments and observations. Angel sat quietly through the narrative, nodding thoughtfully from time to time, his silence revealing his concentration. Finally he sighed and stood to pace around the small kitchen.
"I really don't have anything new to add to what I've already told you. I'll have Fred go over some of this other information to see what she can dig up."
"Fred?" Buffy frowned. "I thought Wesley was your big research guy."
"Don't go there pet." William warned. His warning was too late, as Angel had already launched into a rant on traitors. "He does go on, doesn't he?" He whispered into her ear, before walking over to clap his hand across Angel's shoulder. "Seems to me I've played that role for you as well, Peaches, and looky at how well we're doing."
"Fu..."
"Ah, ah, ah." William wagged a finger at him. "Temper, temper." He turned to Buffy. "At that, I'll be off. Seems to me you and the dreary one have a lot to discuss, and you don't need me around bollixing things up." He walked over the refrigerator and jotted down an address on the notepad there. He tore it off the top sheet of paper and handed it to the other man. "This is my place, Angel. If you need somewhere to crash and you aren't feeling inclined to stake me after you and Blondie have your heart- to-heart, come on over. The fridge is stocked and you can help yourself. Just see that you don't wake me up with that god-awful snoring racket you make." With that, he turned and breezed out the back door.
Angel noted how Buffy watched him go. He approached her soundlessly and took her chin gently in his hand. He studied the conflicting emotions in her face. "What's going on with you two Buffy?"
She avoided his gaze. "What did he tell you?"
"He said he wanted a soul because he was in love with you. He thought it would give him a shot." A pitying look crossed his face. "He should have known you'd never feel that way toward him."
"There's something you should know." Buffy searched for the right words, hoping that Angel would somehow understand. "The last two years have been so hard for me."
"I know Buffy."
"No you don't!" Her head snapped up angrily. "You don't know because you weren't here."
"But you've told me..."
"It isn't the same." She fidgeted restlessly. "First Dawn showed up and we found out that she hadn't really ever been here, then Riley left." She looked at Angel accusingly. "I'm sure that pleased you to no end."
"I never like to see you hurting."
"He was right to go." She let out a soft breath. "He knew I didn't love him the way he needed me to. I cared about him, but it wasn't enough." She looked at Angel. "I thought I couldn't have real feelings for another man after you."
"I'm... I'm sorry Buffy."
"No." She put her hand up, as if to ward off his words. "I don't want to hear that from you. I just want you to understand."
"Understand what?"
"I need you to understand where my head was. My mother died and I was alone to take care of Dawn and the rest of the world."
"Buffy, I knew that you had Giles and your friends. And if you needed me all you had to do was call."
"What?" She looked at him in frustration. "Call you so you could come out and hold my hand and say sweet things to make me feel better, then leave before sunup?"
"I know." He acknowledged quietly.
"You weren't here, but he was." She looked at him steadily. "Spike never had to be asked to help. He was here and he did what I needed without question. He almost died twice protecting Dawn, even when everybody else thought it was hopeless."
"His motives weren't completely pure Buffy."
"I know that. I know he was trying to play nice to score some points with me."
"Then why are you telling me this?"
"Did you know that he stayed around after I died? Did you know that he still fought demons and vampires; that he still took care of my sister?"
"It was guilt..."
"He had no soul Angel. Where did he get the guilt?" Her eyes flashed angrily again. "You never seemed to have any."
Angel had no answer for her.
"Then when I was brought back, I felt alone... only half alive." She studied his face for reaction. "Except when I was with him."
"What are you trying to say Buffy? You didn't..."
"I started sleeping with him."
"No!"
"He loved me. He let me... use him." She looked down in shame.
"Oh Buffy." He shook his head. "You were weak. He took advantage of you."
"No, he didn't."
"He saw his chance to move in, and that's what he did. What happened? Did he wait until you were alone and needy, then make his move?"
"It was me. I started it."
"You wouldn't. Not with him."
"Wake up! Why would I lie to you about this?" She clenched her hands, determined to make him listen. "I went to him. I started everything. I would sleep with him, then I would tell him that he was a disgusting thing and that I would never touch him again, but I always did. Over and over and over again." She looked up at him, her face full of shame. "I even beat him and told him I could never love him. Then I went to him again."
"What did he do to you? He said he."
She thought for a moment. "Look, it wasn't the best situation, and when I finally ended it, things got... ugly." She paused. "Then he left."
"Buffy, that twisted relationship; that wasn't you."
"Oh yes, it was. Now you tell me, who was the monster?" She began to cry. "I didn't want you to find out. I never wanted you to know I had that kind of ugliness inside me." She turned away from him. "It took almost losing the world and being powerless to stop it to make me stop thinking about myself. I almost threw everything away."
"Buffy, come here." He took her hands and led her to a chair. He sat facing her. "Do you think you're the only one who's done terrible things in the last year?"
"You're good, Angel. You wouldn't use someone who loved you like that."
"Maybe it's time you found out about the ugliness inside of me."
"It can't be worse."
"I turned my back on all my friends. I tried to lose my soul."
"Why? How?"
"I was in a dark place. I wanted to stop the pain. So I slept with Darla."
Buffy's eyes grew wide. "Did you...?"
"No. Sex alone wasn't enough to break the curse. I didn't love her, so it didn't really mean anything to me."
"Oh." Buffy fiddled with a button on her shirt, surprised. "So it wasn't the. I mean, when you turned evil it wasn't just because we.?
"No. It was because of how I felt about you when I was with you."
"I see." She swallowed hard as she digested that bit of information. "So you tried to change, but it didn't take?"
"That's not the worst of it. I used Darla and Drusilla to slaughter humans."
Buffy's head shot up. Her expression was stricken.
"They were human, but they were monsters."
"Angel, it's not up to us to pass judgment on humans."
"I know. And I also know that you will probably never see me in the same light again, but I worked through that time in my life, and I've tried to make it up to the friends I hurt in LA. It's taken a lot of time to earn their trust again."
"I don't know what to say."
"That isn't all of it." He waited until she nodded, ready to hear more. "Darla had a baby. My baby."
"Oh no." The color drained from Buffy's face. "How could that happen?" she whispered in shock.
"It was a miracle, and a prophecy. Darla is dead, but now I have Connor."
"You had a child and you didn't even think to tell me?" Disbelief still colored her words. "You have a baby?"
"He's not a baby any more." Angel went on to relate how Wesley had betrayed him and how Connor had grown up without his real father, then returned to kill him. "... And that's when Cordy showed up with William."
"You called her Cordy."
"Yes."
"William said something earlier about her, and you defended her." Buffy watched his expression closely. "She was there while you went through all this."
He nodded, but remained silent.
"She used to have a wicked crush on you. Did you know that?"
"She was just a kid then."
"So was I." Understanding was dawning inside her. "You have feelings for her, don't you?"
Angel paused, then nodded again.
"Are you in love with Cordelia?" Her incredulous expression told him that she already knew the answer.
"I haven't told her yet."
"Oh Angel. What's happened to us?"
"We're just moving on with our lives."
"You are." She spat bitterly.
"And so are you... now."
"What do you mean?"
"Tell me about William."
"I already did."
"You told me that you were lost, and that you used him. But then you found yourself again." He waited for her agreement. "And now you've put your life back together and rediscovered your family and friends."
"That's right."
"Then tell me why you were kissing him tonight. Are you still using him?"
"No." She shook her head, then looked up at him in wonder. "No, I'm not."
"Why did you kiss him, Buffy?"
"Because he was there..."
"Is that why you usually kiss men?"
"No! I..."
"Tell me."
"I wanted him."
"You wanted a man?"
"No, I wanted him!" The words poured out of her in a flurry. "He makes me laugh and he's there when I need him. He makes me so mad I can't see straight, then quotes beautiful poetry. He teases my sister like an older brother would and she adores him. He fights beside me like he's an extension of me. He understands me better than I understand myself. He always has."
"Are you telling me that you love him?"
Buffy stopped. She looked down and all around the room - anywhere but at Angel. "I just don't know." She walked to the door and stood looking into the darkness outside with her arms wrapped tightly around herself. "Why was it different with him?"
Angel moved behind her and rested his hands lightly on her shoulders. "What do you mean?"
She turned to look at him. "Why could he love me when he had no soul, but you couldn't?" Her eyes were glassy with tears that threatened to spill if she blinked.
He turned her into the cool comfort of his embrace and rocked her gently back and forth as her tears broke free. "Oh Buffy, it wasn't you. Don't ever think it was because of you." He loosened his hold on her and she stepped back, wiping her eyes with her fingertips.
"Why then?"
"When Drusilla turned him he was idealistic, full of hope and romantic notions. She just caught him at a weak moment. He was able to keep that part of himself." Angel's face hardened. "I had very little humanity left in me when I met Darla. I was shallow and lazy, looking out only for my own interests. There was nothing left when the demon took over."
She nodded in understanding. "Your soul made you feel again."
He nodded. "Spike never lost that. That's probably why I always resented him so much. I used to tell him that he was soft and weak. I would use his feelings against him to try and control him." Angel smiled at the irony. "That's what finally drove him to turn on me."
"You would have destroyed the world."
"It's what I wanted."
"Then why is it so much harder for me to forgive him?"
"You're going to have to answer that one yourself, Buffy."
*****
Angel left quietly. Buffy watched him walk away, then shut off the lights and started up the stairs to her bedroom. Dawn jumped up from her place on the staircase where she had listened to most of the conversation. She ran as quietly as she could to her room and jumped under the covers to feign sleep as Buffy passed by to look in on her. After Buffy had gone, Dawn looked up and slowly a brilliant smile bloomed across her face. She bit her bottom lip in glee, then hugged her pillow before plumping it back into a puffy shape, and lying back down to dream happy dreams.