First Knight - Part Ten
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Onara's heart skipped a beat at his words. She was terribly conscious of the fact they were sitting next to each other, both of them naked except for a towel on his part and a sheet on hers, in front of a warm and cozy fire. Onara quickly looked down as a rush of heat surged through her body.
"Obi-Wan, what is the Temple like?" she asked, her gaze still fixed on her lap, her cheeks burning hotly.
"What is it like? Do you mean what does it look like or what is it like living there?"
"Both," she answered, her head still down, for she was too afraid to look at him, too afraid of the feelings and sensations which were racing through her body.
"Well, the Temple itself is located in a low-rise sector of Coruscant. It was constructed to symbolize a Padawan's path to enlightenment in the Force. There are five towers which soar above the complex itself. The Temple Spire is the central tower. It is where Jedi go for quiet thought and meditation. The High Council Tower is where the members of the Jedi Council meet. The Council of First Knowledge is where we go to find answers to questions we may have about Jedi history."
"History!" Onara cried, looking over at him. "Oh, I do so love history. It's one of my favorites modules at the Cloister."
Obi-Wan smiled at her. "The knowledge we have about the Jedi goes back 25,000 years."
"Really? 25,000 years?"
Onara shook her head. The historical records regarding Ajhane at the Cloister went back only 5,000 years. It was staggering to her to know there was so much knowledge out in the galaxy.
"What are the other two towers?" she asked.
"The Council of Reconciliation is located in one tower. It was from there your father's petition to intercede in the war here on Ahjane was received. And the last tower is the Tower of Reassignment."
"Reassignment?"
Obi-Wan nodded. "It is where initiates who are not chosen to become Padawans go to be reassigned."
"So not all initiates are chosen?"
"No, they are not." A corner of Obi-Wan's mouth curled up. "When I was thirteen, I feared I was not going to be chosen and would be assigned to the Agri-Corps."
"But you were chosen by this Qui-Gon you spoke of?"
"Yes, I was very lucky. Qui-Gon had gone for years without a Padawan. The last one he had trained had been a disappointment to him."
"And when Anakin was thirteen, you chose him."
Obi-Wan didn't answer right away.
"No, I did not choose him," he finally said in a clipped voice.
"But, I don't understand. You just said---."
"Anakin is...different. He became my apprentice at the age of nine. Before that he had lived on Tatooine. As a slave with his mother. My master found him, discovered he was very strong with the Force and brought him back to Coruscant."
"He took Anakin away from his mother?"
Obi-Wan nodded. "She agreed to it. She wanted something better for him than a slave's life."
"It must have been very difficult for her."
"Yes, it was. But, from what Qui-Gon told me she was a very loving and brave woman."
"But, I don't understand, Obi-Wan. If your master found him, how did you wind up with him?"
"I made a promise to my master to train him. At first the Council did not want Anakin to be trained. At nine he was far too old. But, as was his way, Qui-Gon was determined to defy them. With his last breath he bade me train Anakin. And I promised I would."
"Oh, I see. Do you regret it?" she asked, sensing some uneasiness from him.
He turned and looked at her, his blue-gray eyes studying her face as if he were trying to determine whether she was someone he could put his trust in.
"Sometimes," he whispered. He took in and released a deep breath. "I feel guilty for having such thoughts, but sometimes I do regret having made that promise."
"Why?" she asked gently.
Obi-Wan shrugged his shoulders and glanced over at the fire. "Anakin is strong, powerful, and very gifted. But, he's also undisciplined and unpredictable. Dangerous qualities for a Jedi to have."
"Because of the power you Jedi possess?"
Obi-Wan turned back to her. "Yes, and Anakin is more powerful than any Jedi I have ever known."
"That must be a heavy burden on you," she said. "Do you bear it alone?"
Then she bit her lip for she realized her question could be interpreted as an intimate one.
"No. Although I sometimes share my concerns about Anakin with Master Yoda and Master Windu. But, primarily, I bear this particular burden alone."
"Master Windu? Is he little and old too?"
Obi-Wan threw back his head and laughed. Onara smiled. She liked the sound of his laughter. She suddenly had the feeling he didn't do it very often.
"No, hardly," he said grinning. "He's very tall. And not nearly as old as Yoda. Though don't tell him I said that," Obi-Wan added in a whisper, his eyes dancing.
"I promise to keep your secret," Onara replied smiling. "So, there's no one else you share your thoughts and feelings with?"
Obi-Wan gazed solemnly at her. "Are you asking if there is someone in my life, Onara? Someone special?"
She nodded, but said nothing, suddenly fearing his answer. She realized she couldn't bear if it there was someone else in his life.
"No, there is no one."
"Has there ever been?"
Obi-Wan's eyes darkened. He sighed and looked away from her at the fire.
"Yes, there was. Once. A long time ago."
"Did she die, too?"
"No, she did not die," he replied softly. He turned and fixed her with a penetrating gaze. "Do you know why I didn't want to go through with the blessing ceremony?"
Onara shook her head. She had thought it had something to do with some sort of prohibition from the Jedi Order regarding such things, but she wasn't sure.
"When I was sixteen, I met a girl. Her name was Silia."
"Was she a Jedi?" Onara asked.
Obi-Wan didn't answer her right away. He looked into the fire, then back at her and, once again, she felt his scrutiny as if he were deciding whether to confide in her.
"No, she wasn't," he finally said. "I used to sneak away sometimes from the Jedi Temple and roam the streets and lower levels of Coruscant. When Jedi are young we're required to spend all our time in the Temple, in study, training and meditation. When we're not on missions with our Masters, of course. But, when you're young and there's a city the size of a planet just outside your door..." and Obi-Wan smiled ruefully.
Onara nodded. She understood. She had never been to Coruscant, but had heard of its wonders. It would have been hard for her to resist the lure of the capital of the Republic.
"Anyway, I met Silia when I stopped to watch a Drodregian puppet show. She was standing in the crowd, just one of many gathered there that warm evening, but she stood out. It was as if there was this light around her. She was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. At first, I just stood there, gawking at her. Then she must have felt my eyes on her, for she turned and smiled. Soon we were talking and we talked for the rest of that evening. I had to return to the Temple, but we agreed to meet again. Before we knew it, we were inseparable."
Obi-Wan stopped and lowered his eyes. Onara touched his shoulder. He looked over at her, his eyes full of memory.
"We spent most of the time we could find to meet walking along the streets of Coruscant, exploring all its different levels, talking about our lives and....and doing other things."
Onara was surprised to see Obi-Wan's cheeks color. Then he shook his head and laughed softly.
"It was the other things I looked forward to the most, that used to haunt me when I tried to sleep in my room at the Temple."
"Were you a virgin?"
Obi-Wan nodded. "As the days went on, those other things became more heated, more intense. Just kissing and touching wasn't enough. It was like standing at the edge of the ocean with just your toes in the water, when what you really want to do is jump into the surf and swim out to the deepest part."
"What happened?"
Obi-Wan swallowed. "One night we were at the place we usually met for our trysts. It was a room we'd found in an abandoned apartment building. There were a lot of those in Coco Town."
"Coco Town?"
"It's a rather dilapidated industrial area of Coruscant." Obi-Wan smiled. "A friend of mine owns a diner there. Dexter's Diner."
"Is the food good?"
"It's filling. Dex serves these things called sliders which are actually quite tasty. But Dex is the real reason for going there. He's quite the character. Done everything, been everywhere, seen everything."
"He sounds fascinating."
"Maybe I'll take you to meet him someday," Obi-Wan said smiling.
Then his smile slid away and Onara knew he was remembering that come morning she would be leaving for Kindah Province as Edress's wife, and he would be leaving Ahjane to return to his life as Jedi. She touched his hand.
"Go on," she said softly.
He nodded. "Silia and I were at our usual meeting place in Coco Town. We had been kissing, touching, that sort of thing, but this time we'd gone farther than we'd ever had before. I remember my heart was beating so hard I thought I was going to die, and I couldn't seem to get enough air."
Obi-Wan's voice faded away. He looked at Onara, than glanced away as if embarrassed.
"What I was doing was forbidden, Onara. Padawans are not only prohibited from marrying, but from engaging in sexual activities of any kind. It is believed that such...passions will distract us from our path to enlightenment regarding the Force. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but Silia was so beautiful...and so persuasive."
He stopped and swallowed hard.
"We were close," he went on. "So close to that sweetness which I had only dreamt of in the darkness of my room at the Temple. And then, just when we were about to...to..." He stopped and shook his head. "Silia grabbed my arms and asked me if I was going to marry her."
Obi-Wan shook his head. "She knew I was a Jedi. I had never hidden that from her. She knew how important it was to me. I told her I was a Padawan and I was forbidden from marrying. She pleaded with me to give up my life in the Order. But I couldn't just throw it all away, everything I had worked so hard for. And I couldn't leave my master. I could only imagine how disappointed he would have been with me if I left the Order. I had done so once before, you see. I told Silia that. But it made her angry. She said she didn't want to see me anymore, and she pushed me away as she tried to leave."
Obi-Wan stopped and closed his eyes. "I don't know what came over me, Onara. Truly I don't. Maybe it was because I was so close to finally having her after all those nights of just touching and kissing her." He laughed bitterly. "Raging hormones and all that, you know." His voice grew soft and sad. "I suppose even we Jedi are not immune to them." He lowered his voice. "And, I guess....I thought she loved me. And, loving me, she wouldn't have asked me to choose between her and the Jedi Order."
He opened his eyes and looked at Onara. "I begged her not to leave, but she laughed at me. Called me a coward. Said that's what she got for fooling around with a Jedi for everyone knew we were just emasculated monks. And she laughed again."
Obi-Wan's eyes were now unfocused and unseeing. Onara took his hands and was shocked at how cold they were.
"I grabbed her arms and shook her," he went on "I told her to stop laughing. That it wasn't funny. But she wouldn't stop. Then, suddenly, I was angry."
Obi-Wan's voice grew distant and reflective. "I had felt anger before, of course, but this was different. This anger was fueled by love and lust. And heartache."
Obi-Wan was now squeezing Onara's hands so hard they throbbed, but she kept silent. She sensed this was something he had never revealed to anyone.
"I pushed her back on the cot. She screamed for me to stop, but it was as if this freezing, empty darkness had fallen over my soul. I was so cold I was actually trembling. She tried to get away, but I held her down." Obi- Wan's voice caught and Onara heard the horror in it.
"I...I held her down with the Force," he whispered.
He looked over at Onara, his face drawn, his eyes haunted. "She felt what I was doing to her. And the fear, Onara, the fear that was in her eyes. It was horrible to see, but at the same time I felt so powerful. Silia began to cry, squeezing my arms, pleading with me to let her go."
Onara's heart stuttered in her chest as she drew in a sharp breath. But Obi- Wan did not seem to notice. He was too lost in his memories.
"And then, just like that, it was gone. The anger, the coldness...the love. All of it. And I was empty, like a jar someone had tipped over. I released her. She lay on the cot, her hands clasped to her face, weeping. However, she did not run away. Then I realized she was afraid to. She feared I would use my Jedi powers to stop her. I told her I would not harm her and she could leave in peace. She slowly lowered her hands from her face and looked over at me."
Obi-Wan released a heavy, shuddering breath. "I will never forget the look on her face. I saw the fear, of course, but also sadness and regret. Then she ran out of the room. And from that day I vowed I would never, ever let myself lose control again."
He looked into Onara's eyes and laughed, but it was a laugh filled with bitterness.
"Do you know what the younger Padawans call me at the Temple?"
Onara shook her head.
"Oldie-Wan Kenobi. Because they think I'm such a stick-in-the-mud." He laughed again, the sound even more bitter. "And I suppose I am. I'm not that old, you know, but I act older than my age. I have to. And I know it drives Anakin crazy. But he doesn't understand. I can never let what happened with Silia happen again. I touched the dark side of the Force that night, Onara. And, for a Jedi, that is a very dangerous thing. I have to watch myself. Always."
"But Obi-Wan," Onara said. "You were just a boy. And you're also human. You're not a droid or a mindless machine. What? Are the Jedi so perfect and unflawed you don't make mistakes? Are you so much better than the rest of us?"
Obi-Wan looked at her, his forehead creased.
"I didn't say that," he said sharply.
"But you certainly implied it. You make it sound as if you Jedi can't be angry or jealous or lustful sometimes, like the rest of us common, ordinary people."
His eyes flared. "You're right, Onara. We can't."
"But, that's impossible," she cried, squeezing his hands. "Don't you see what you're doing, Obi-Wan? You're holding yourself to a standard no sane or sentient being could possibly meet. And, really, you can't continue to hold yourself accountable for something that happened when you were just a boy."
"I must hold myself accountable, Onara," Obi-Wan said firmly. "We Jedi are not like others. We possess great power. And with such power comes responsibility."
"Responsibility yes, but not constant guilt and recrimination."
Onara released his hands. She reached up and gently stroked his face, her fingers trailing over his beard and lips.
"Oh, Obi-Wan, I've know I've only known you for just this night, but I can honestly and truthfully say you are the kindest, bravest, most caring man I've ever met. Don't blame yourself for something that happened when you were young. You're not that sixteen year old boy anymore. You're a man now, a Jedi Knight. I don't understand everything about your Order, but if you were as horrible as you seem to think you are, I don't think you would have been allowed to become a Jedi Knight, much less master to an apprentice."
"How could the Council have judged me, Onara? They didn't know what had happened. I was certain Silia was going to report what I had done, but she didn't. Actually, I never saw her again after that night. I tried to find her, but...."
Obi-Wan closed his eyes and lowered his head. "I should have gone to the Council myself and confessed. But I was so ashamed. And afraid. I was afraid I would be expelled from the Jedi Order. I couldn't even tell Qui- Gon, and I usually told him everything. I was afraid he would hate me and not want me as his apprentice anymore. I had disappointed him once before and almost lost him as my master. I didn't want to risk losing him again. So, I kept what happened a secret and I vowed I would never, ever make a mistake like that again."
Onara sighed as she stroked Obi-Wan's face. She understood what he was going through for it was almost as if he had his own internal Grandmother, someone always standing by, waiting for him to make a mistake or do the wrong thing and then, to swoop down, black robes flying, wrinkled face twisted with rage, calling him horrible, terrible names. Onara nodded. Yes, she understood perfectly what he was feeling.
"Don't be so hard on yourself, Obi-Wan," she said gently. "You were just a boy."
"No," he said shaking his head. "I wasn't just a boy. I was a Jedi."
Onara sighed. "And Jedi don't make mistakes? Ever? Are all of you truly so arrogant?"
Obi-Wan's eyes widened at her words. But Onara went on.
"I know you think we here on Ahjane, because we're so close to the Outer Rim and so isolated, don't know what's going in the Republic. But, I've heard the scholars and the proctors talking at the Cloister. They talk about what's happening in the Republic; the corruption in the Senate, the greed of its representatives, the unrest in the Outer Colonies. And they talk about the Jedi Order."
"Really," Obi-Wan said crisply. He folded his arms and fixed her with a sharp look. "And what do they say exactly?"
Onara swallowed, wondering if she had got in over her head. "They say that the Jedi Order has become overconfident and out of touch with the concerns of common beings."
Obi-Wan said nothing, but Onara noted his eyes had become darker. He nodded for her to go on.
"They say the Jedi do the bidding of the Senate but turn a blind eye to what's really going on; the bribery, the corruption, the heavy taxation on the poorer systems while the wealthier Inner-Core systems pay hardly anything."
"And who are these _they_?" Obi-Wan asked, his eyes narrowing.
"Proctor Siomora for one. She teaches Interplanetary Government Relations. She says the Jedi are nothing more than an elitist group of superwarriors who enforce the will of an increasingly corrupt Galactic Senate."
Onara bit her lip, for she saw Obi-Wan's eyes had become icier. She cast her eyes downward, twisting the edge of the sheet about her fingers.
"Do you believe this, Onara? That the Jedi are nothing but elitist superwarriors?"
She raised her head and looked him in the eyes. "No, not at the time I heard Proctor Simora's lecture."
"But now?"
Onara shrugged. "I don't know. I don't deny the Jedi are powerful. I've seen what you do with the Force. But, you seem to want to set yourself above others. Make yourselves...I don't know...more righteous."
"Righteous?"
"Yes. You act as if Jedi don't have the same weaknesses and foibles as us lesser mortals. That you're better than the rest of us."
Obi-Wan shook his head. "You're exaggerating, Onara."
"Am I?" She shrugged again. "Perhaps."
She turned away from him and gazed into the fire. For a long moment, neither said nothing. Then Onara felt Obi-Wan's hand on her arm. She looked over at him and saw something shift in his eyes, as if thoughts were moving about, setting up different paradigms, establishing new patterns of understanding and awareness.
"Am I, Onara?" he asked softly. "Am I righteous?"
"Well, maybe just a little," Onara said, holding up her hand, her forefinger and thumb almost touching.
Obi-Wan smiled and, taking her hand, squeezed it gently.
Onara returned his smile, then sighed. "But, even it didn't work out for you, Obi-Wan, at least, for awhile, you had someone."
"Hasn't there been anyone for you?"
Onara sadly shook her head.
Obi-Wan stroked her hair. "I find that hard to believe, Onara. You're so beautiful. So spirited."
Onara's heart pounded as Obi-Wan continued to caress her hair. Tears stung her eyes. Why couldn't it be Obi-Wan instead of Edress she would be leaving with tomorrow? Then, she realized, her spirits sinking lower, that when she and Edress arrived in Kindah Provnice he would take her to bed as was his right as her husband. And he would be the first to have her.
She thought of her and Obi-Wan's encounter with the valkon in the forest. If Edress had been with her, she had no doubt he would have left her to die. But Obi-Wan had stayed and protected her. He had slain the valkon in her defense, just like one of those brave and handsome heroes in the stories she used to read as a child.
Onara moved away from Obi-Wan's hand. She drew her legs up to her chest, put her arms around her thighs and lowered her face between her knees. She envied Obi-Wan so much. The places he had been, the people he had known, the life he had led. What she wouldn't give to see Coruscant and his wondrous Jedi Temple. What she wouldn't give to be free.
Onara choked back a sob as she pressed her face against her knees. She hadn't wanted to get married! All she had wanted was to live her own life, but it was her duty, both to her father and to her people, to go through with this marriage to Edress. A man who saw her as nothing more than some commodity or piece of property he had purchased. Look at how eagerly he had been willing to barter her virginity to Jerule. And not only was he greedy, he was also as cold and cruel as a late winter's night. Then she felt a hand on her back.
"Onara, please, don't cry," Obi-Wan said as he gently rubbed her shoulders.
"I don't want to," she blubbered, her face still locked between her knees, chafing against the sheet which was becoming soaked with her tears. "I shouldn't be crying at all. So many died and suffered during the war. My marrying Edress has helped to end that suffering. It's selfish of me to think only of myself. I'm just the way Grandmother says I am."
"No, you're not. And it's not selfish to feel what you're feeling," Obi-Wan said soothingly. "No one should have to marry except from love."
"Love!" Onara cried as she raised her hot, wet face to him. "Love? I will never know love! Others will, but I won't."
"Onara..." Obi-Wan began as he reached over to touch her.
But she shook her head wildly, evading his hand.
"Oh, Obi-Wan, don't you see! I don't want Edress to be the first. I want it to be you!"
Obi-Wan stared back at her, but Onara saw the doubt in his eyes, the uncertainty. She sobbed and, stumbling clumsily, got up from the floor, the sheet tangling about her legs. She didn't know where she was going. She just wanted to get away from him. She staggered over to the bed. Then she felt his hands on her arms.
"Let me go," she cried.
But Obi-Wan held her, his hands gripping her. She twisted wildly in his grasp, the tears spilling down her cheeks.
"Onara, be still," Obi-Wan pleaded, but Onara continued to struggle against him, hysterical with the awareness she was destined for nothing but the empty days and lonely nights of a loveless marriage.
"Let me go," she wept. "Please, Obi-Wan, just let me go."
But he didn't let her go. He slipped his arms around her back and pressed her tight against his bare chest. Onara tried to break free, but his arms were like a vise about her. She twisted in them and, as they struggled, she felt the edge of the bed bumping against the back of her legs. Obi-Wan pulled her closer, his breath warm on her face.
"Onara, don't, love, don't," he said softly.
She looked up at him and stopped struggling, calmed by the gentleness in his voice and the understanding in his eyes. Then she stood, quiet and still in his arms, the tears hot on her flushed cheeks, as his warm hands slowly explored the small of her back, and those eyes, those extraordinarily colored eyes, those eyes of sky and sea, gazed deeply into hers.
"Love, I'm here," he whispered. "I'm here."
He lowered his head and pressed his lips against hers, then fervently covered her mouth. Onara whimpered, her heart thundering. Her first kiss, and it was the sweetest, most intoxicating thing she had ever experienced. She felt as if she were falling down a well of stars, tendrils of ecstasy spiraling through her veins. She eagerly slid her arms up and around Obi- Wan's neck and, as she did, he pressed her even tighter to him, his warm, sweet mouth burning her very soul.
Then, slowly, gently, he eased her onto the bed.
To be continued....
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Onara's heart skipped a beat at his words. She was terribly conscious of the fact they were sitting next to each other, both of them naked except for a towel on his part and a sheet on hers, in front of a warm and cozy fire. Onara quickly looked down as a rush of heat surged through her body.
"Obi-Wan, what is the Temple like?" she asked, her gaze still fixed on her lap, her cheeks burning hotly.
"What is it like? Do you mean what does it look like or what is it like living there?"
"Both," she answered, her head still down, for she was too afraid to look at him, too afraid of the feelings and sensations which were racing through her body.
"Well, the Temple itself is located in a low-rise sector of Coruscant. It was constructed to symbolize a Padawan's path to enlightenment in the Force. There are five towers which soar above the complex itself. The Temple Spire is the central tower. It is where Jedi go for quiet thought and meditation. The High Council Tower is where the members of the Jedi Council meet. The Council of First Knowledge is where we go to find answers to questions we may have about Jedi history."
"History!" Onara cried, looking over at him. "Oh, I do so love history. It's one of my favorites modules at the Cloister."
Obi-Wan smiled at her. "The knowledge we have about the Jedi goes back 25,000 years."
"Really? 25,000 years?"
Onara shook her head. The historical records regarding Ajhane at the Cloister went back only 5,000 years. It was staggering to her to know there was so much knowledge out in the galaxy.
"What are the other two towers?" she asked.
"The Council of Reconciliation is located in one tower. It was from there your father's petition to intercede in the war here on Ahjane was received. And the last tower is the Tower of Reassignment."
"Reassignment?"
Obi-Wan nodded. "It is where initiates who are not chosen to become Padawans go to be reassigned."
"So not all initiates are chosen?"
"No, they are not." A corner of Obi-Wan's mouth curled up. "When I was thirteen, I feared I was not going to be chosen and would be assigned to the Agri-Corps."
"But you were chosen by this Qui-Gon you spoke of?"
"Yes, I was very lucky. Qui-Gon had gone for years without a Padawan. The last one he had trained had been a disappointment to him."
"And when Anakin was thirteen, you chose him."
Obi-Wan didn't answer right away.
"No, I did not choose him," he finally said in a clipped voice.
"But, I don't understand. You just said---."
"Anakin is...different. He became my apprentice at the age of nine. Before that he had lived on Tatooine. As a slave with his mother. My master found him, discovered he was very strong with the Force and brought him back to Coruscant."
"He took Anakin away from his mother?"
Obi-Wan nodded. "She agreed to it. She wanted something better for him than a slave's life."
"It must have been very difficult for her."
"Yes, it was. But, from what Qui-Gon told me she was a very loving and brave woman."
"But, I don't understand, Obi-Wan. If your master found him, how did you wind up with him?"
"I made a promise to my master to train him. At first the Council did not want Anakin to be trained. At nine he was far too old. But, as was his way, Qui-Gon was determined to defy them. With his last breath he bade me train Anakin. And I promised I would."
"Oh, I see. Do you regret it?" she asked, sensing some uneasiness from him.
He turned and looked at her, his blue-gray eyes studying her face as if he were trying to determine whether she was someone he could put his trust in.
"Sometimes," he whispered. He took in and released a deep breath. "I feel guilty for having such thoughts, but sometimes I do regret having made that promise."
"Why?" she asked gently.
Obi-Wan shrugged his shoulders and glanced over at the fire. "Anakin is strong, powerful, and very gifted. But, he's also undisciplined and unpredictable. Dangerous qualities for a Jedi to have."
"Because of the power you Jedi possess?"
Obi-Wan turned back to her. "Yes, and Anakin is more powerful than any Jedi I have ever known."
"That must be a heavy burden on you," she said. "Do you bear it alone?"
Then she bit her lip for she realized her question could be interpreted as an intimate one.
"No. Although I sometimes share my concerns about Anakin with Master Yoda and Master Windu. But, primarily, I bear this particular burden alone."
"Master Windu? Is he little and old too?"
Obi-Wan threw back his head and laughed. Onara smiled. She liked the sound of his laughter. She suddenly had the feeling he didn't do it very often.
"No, hardly," he said grinning. "He's very tall. And not nearly as old as Yoda. Though don't tell him I said that," Obi-Wan added in a whisper, his eyes dancing.
"I promise to keep your secret," Onara replied smiling. "So, there's no one else you share your thoughts and feelings with?"
Obi-Wan gazed solemnly at her. "Are you asking if there is someone in my life, Onara? Someone special?"
She nodded, but said nothing, suddenly fearing his answer. She realized she couldn't bear if it there was someone else in his life.
"No, there is no one."
"Has there ever been?"
Obi-Wan's eyes darkened. He sighed and looked away from her at the fire.
"Yes, there was. Once. A long time ago."
"Did she die, too?"
"No, she did not die," he replied softly. He turned and fixed her with a penetrating gaze. "Do you know why I didn't want to go through with the blessing ceremony?"
Onara shook her head. She had thought it had something to do with some sort of prohibition from the Jedi Order regarding such things, but she wasn't sure.
"When I was sixteen, I met a girl. Her name was Silia."
"Was she a Jedi?" Onara asked.
Obi-Wan didn't answer her right away. He looked into the fire, then back at her and, once again, she felt his scrutiny as if he were deciding whether to confide in her.
"No, she wasn't," he finally said. "I used to sneak away sometimes from the Jedi Temple and roam the streets and lower levels of Coruscant. When Jedi are young we're required to spend all our time in the Temple, in study, training and meditation. When we're not on missions with our Masters, of course. But, when you're young and there's a city the size of a planet just outside your door..." and Obi-Wan smiled ruefully.
Onara nodded. She understood. She had never been to Coruscant, but had heard of its wonders. It would have been hard for her to resist the lure of the capital of the Republic.
"Anyway, I met Silia when I stopped to watch a Drodregian puppet show. She was standing in the crowd, just one of many gathered there that warm evening, but she stood out. It was as if there was this light around her. She was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. At first, I just stood there, gawking at her. Then she must have felt my eyes on her, for she turned and smiled. Soon we were talking and we talked for the rest of that evening. I had to return to the Temple, but we agreed to meet again. Before we knew it, we were inseparable."
Obi-Wan stopped and lowered his eyes. Onara touched his shoulder. He looked over at her, his eyes full of memory.
"We spent most of the time we could find to meet walking along the streets of Coruscant, exploring all its different levels, talking about our lives and....and doing other things."
Onara was surprised to see Obi-Wan's cheeks color. Then he shook his head and laughed softly.
"It was the other things I looked forward to the most, that used to haunt me when I tried to sleep in my room at the Temple."
"Were you a virgin?"
Obi-Wan nodded. "As the days went on, those other things became more heated, more intense. Just kissing and touching wasn't enough. It was like standing at the edge of the ocean with just your toes in the water, when what you really want to do is jump into the surf and swim out to the deepest part."
"What happened?"
Obi-Wan swallowed. "One night we were at the place we usually met for our trysts. It was a room we'd found in an abandoned apartment building. There were a lot of those in Coco Town."
"Coco Town?"
"It's a rather dilapidated industrial area of Coruscant." Obi-Wan smiled. "A friend of mine owns a diner there. Dexter's Diner."
"Is the food good?"
"It's filling. Dex serves these things called sliders which are actually quite tasty. But Dex is the real reason for going there. He's quite the character. Done everything, been everywhere, seen everything."
"He sounds fascinating."
"Maybe I'll take you to meet him someday," Obi-Wan said smiling.
Then his smile slid away and Onara knew he was remembering that come morning she would be leaving for Kindah Province as Edress's wife, and he would be leaving Ahjane to return to his life as Jedi. She touched his hand.
"Go on," she said softly.
He nodded. "Silia and I were at our usual meeting place in Coco Town. We had been kissing, touching, that sort of thing, but this time we'd gone farther than we'd ever had before. I remember my heart was beating so hard I thought I was going to die, and I couldn't seem to get enough air."
Obi-Wan's voice faded away. He looked at Onara, than glanced away as if embarrassed.
"What I was doing was forbidden, Onara. Padawans are not only prohibited from marrying, but from engaging in sexual activities of any kind. It is believed that such...passions will distract us from our path to enlightenment regarding the Force. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but Silia was so beautiful...and so persuasive."
He stopped and swallowed hard.
"We were close," he went on. "So close to that sweetness which I had only dreamt of in the darkness of my room at the Temple. And then, just when we were about to...to..." He stopped and shook his head. "Silia grabbed my arms and asked me if I was going to marry her."
Obi-Wan shook his head. "She knew I was a Jedi. I had never hidden that from her. She knew how important it was to me. I told her I was a Padawan and I was forbidden from marrying. She pleaded with me to give up my life in the Order. But I couldn't just throw it all away, everything I had worked so hard for. And I couldn't leave my master. I could only imagine how disappointed he would have been with me if I left the Order. I had done so once before, you see. I told Silia that. But it made her angry. She said she didn't want to see me anymore, and she pushed me away as she tried to leave."
Obi-Wan stopped and closed his eyes. "I don't know what came over me, Onara. Truly I don't. Maybe it was because I was so close to finally having her after all those nights of just touching and kissing her." He laughed bitterly. "Raging hormones and all that, you know." His voice grew soft and sad. "I suppose even we Jedi are not immune to them." He lowered his voice. "And, I guess....I thought she loved me. And, loving me, she wouldn't have asked me to choose between her and the Jedi Order."
He opened his eyes and looked at Onara. "I begged her not to leave, but she laughed at me. Called me a coward. Said that's what she got for fooling around with a Jedi for everyone knew we were just emasculated monks. And she laughed again."
Obi-Wan's eyes were now unfocused and unseeing. Onara took his hands and was shocked at how cold they were.
"I grabbed her arms and shook her," he went on "I told her to stop laughing. That it wasn't funny. But she wouldn't stop. Then, suddenly, I was angry."
Obi-Wan's voice grew distant and reflective. "I had felt anger before, of course, but this was different. This anger was fueled by love and lust. And heartache."
Obi-Wan was now squeezing Onara's hands so hard they throbbed, but she kept silent. She sensed this was something he had never revealed to anyone.
"I pushed her back on the cot. She screamed for me to stop, but it was as if this freezing, empty darkness had fallen over my soul. I was so cold I was actually trembling. She tried to get away, but I held her down." Obi- Wan's voice caught and Onara heard the horror in it.
"I...I held her down with the Force," he whispered.
He looked over at Onara, his face drawn, his eyes haunted. "She felt what I was doing to her. And the fear, Onara, the fear that was in her eyes. It was horrible to see, but at the same time I felt so powerful. Silia began to cry, squeezing my arms, pleading with me to let her go."
Onara's heart stuttered in her chest as she drew in a sharp breath. But Obi- Wan did not seem to notice. He was too lost in his memories.
"And then, just like that, it was gone. The anger, the coldness...the love. All of it. And I was empty, like a jar someone had tipped over. I released her. She lay on the cot, her hands clasped to her face, weeping. However, she did not run away. Then I realized she was afraid to. She feared I would use my Jedi powers to stop her. I told her I would not harm her and she could leave in peace. She slowly lowered her hands from her face and looked over at me."
Obi-Wan released a heavy, shuddering breath. "I will never forget the look on her face. I saw the fear, of course, but also sadness and regret. Then she ran out of the room. And from that day I vowed I would never, ever let myself lose control again."
He looked into Onara's eyes and laughed, but it was a laugh filled with bitterness.
"Do you know what the younger Padawans call me at the Temple?"
Onara shook her head.
"Oldie-Wan Kenobi. Because they think I'm such a stick-in-the-mud." He laughed again, the sound even more bitter. "And I suppose I am. I'm not that old, you know, but I act older than my age. I have to. And I know it drives Anakin crazy. But he doesn't understand. I can never let what happened with Silia happen again. I touched the dark side of the Force that night, Onara. And, for a Jedi, that is a very dangerous thing. I have to watch myself. Always."
"But Obi-Wan," Onara said. "You were just a boy. And you're also human. You're not a droid or a mindless machine. What? Are the Jedi so perfect and unflawed you don't make mistakes? Are you so much better than the rest of us?"
Obi-Wan looked at her, his forehead creased.
"I didn't say that," he said sharply.
"But you certainly implied it. You make it sound as if you Jedi can't be angry or jealous or lustful sometimes, like the rest of us common, ordinary people."
His eyes flared. "You're right, Onara. We can't."
"But, that's impossible," she cried, squeezing his hands. "Don't you see what you're doing, Obi-Wan? You're holding yourself to a standard no sane or sentient being could possibly meet. And, really, you can't continue to hold yourself accountable for something that happened when you were just a boy."
"I must hold myself accountable, Onara," Obi-Wan said firmly. "We Jedi are not like others. We possess great power. And with such power comes responsibility."
"Responsibility yes, but not constant guilt and recrimination."
Onara released his hands. She reached up and gently stroked his face, her fingers trailing over his beard and lips.
"Oh, Obi-Wan, I've know I've only known you for just this night, but I can honestly and truthfully say you are the kindest, bravest, most caring man I've ever met. Don't blame yourself for something that happened when you were young. You're not that sixteen year old boy anymore. You're a man now, a Jedi Knight. I don't understand everything about your Order, but if you were as horrible as you seem to think you are, I don't think you would have been allowed to become a Jedi Knight, much less master to an apprentice."
"How could the Council have judged me, Onara? They didn't know what had happened. I was certain Silia was going to report what I had done, but she didn't. Actually, I never saw her again after that night. I tried to find her, but...."
Obi-Wan closed his eyes and lowered his head. "I should have gone to the Council myself and confessed. But I was so ashamed. And afraid. I was afraid I would be expelled from the Jedi Order. I couldn't even tell Qui- Gon, and I usually told him everything. I was afraid he would hate me and not want me as his apprentice anymore. I had disappointed him once before and almost lost him as my master. I didn't want to risk losing him again. So, I kept what happened a secret and I vowed I would never, ever make a mistake like that again."
Onara sighed as she stroked Obi-Wan's face. She understood what he was going through for it was almost as if he had his own internal Grandmother, someone always standing by, waiting for him to make a mistake or do the wrong thing and then, to swoop down, black robes flying, wrinkled face twisted with rage, calling him horrible, terrible names. Onara nodded. Yes, she understood perfectly what he was feeling.
"Don't be so hard on yourself, Obi-Wan," she said gently. "You were just a boy."
"No," he said shaking his head. "I wasn't just a boy. I was a Jedi."
Onara sighed. "And Jedi don't make mistakes? Ever? Are all of you truly so arrogant?"
Obi-Wan's eyes widened at her words. But Onara went on.
"I know you think we here on Ahjane, because we're so close to the Outer Rim and so isolated, don't know what's going in the Republic. But, I've heard the scholars and the proctors talking at the Cloister. They talk about what's happening in the Republic; the corruption in the Senate, the greed of its representatives, the unrest in the Outer Colonies. And they talk about the Jedi Order."
"Really," Obi-Wan said crisply. He folded his arms and fixed her with a sharp look. "And what do they say exactly?"
Onara swallowed, wondering if she had got in over her head. "They say that the Jedi Order has become overconfident and out of touch with the concerns of common beings."
Obi-Wan said nothing, but Onara noted his eyes had become darker. He nodded for her to go on.
"They say the Jedi do the bidding of the Senate but turn a blind eye to what's really going on; the bribery, the corruption, the heavy taxation on the poorer systems while the wealthier Inner-Core systems pay hardly anything."
"And who are these _they_?" Obi-Wan asked, his eyes narrowing.
"Proctor Siomora for one. She teaches Interplanetary Government Relations. She says the Jedi are nothing more than an elitist group of superwarriors who enforce the will of an increasingly corrupt Galactic Senate."
Onara bit her lip, for she saw Obi-Wan's eyes had become icier. She cast her eyes downward, twisting the edge of the sheet about her fingers.
"Do you believe this, Onara? That the Jedi are nothing but elitist superwarriors?"
She raised her head and looked him in the eyes. "No, not at the time I heard Proctor Simora's lecture."
"But now?"
Onara shrugged. "I don't know. I don't deny the Jedi are powerful. I've seen what you do with the Force. But, you seem to want to set yourself above others. Make yourselves...I don't know...more righteous."
"Righteous?"
"Yes. You act as if Jedi don't have the same weaknesses and foibles as us lesser mortals. That you're better than the rest of us."
Obi-Wan shook his head. "You're exaggerating, Onara."
"Am I?" She shrugged again. "Perhaps."
She turned away from him and gazed into the fire. For a long moment, neither said nothing. Then Onara felt Obi-Wan's hand on her arm. She looked over at him and saw something shift in his eyes, as if thoughts were moving about, setting up different paradigms, establishing new patterns of understanding and awareness.
"Am I, Onara?" he asked softly. "Am I righteous?"
"Well, maybe just a little," Onara said, holding up her hand, her forefinger and thumb almost touching.
Obi-Wan smiled and, taking her hand, squeezed it gently.
Onara returned his smile, then sighed. "But, even it didn't work out for you, Obi-Wan, at least, for awhile, you had someone."
"Hasn't there been anyone for you?"
Onara sadly shook her head.
Obi-Wan stroked her hair. "I find that hard to believe, Onara. You're so beautiful. So spirited."
Onara's heart pounded as Obi-Wan continued to caress her hair. Tears stung her eyes. Why couldn't it be Obi-Wan instead of Edress she would be leaving with tomorrow? Then, she realized, her spirits sinking lower, that when she and Edress arrived in Kindah Provnice he would take her to bed as was his right as her husband. And he would be the first to have her.
She thought of her and Obi-Wan's encounter with the valkon in the forest. If Edress had been with her, she had no doubt he would have left her to die. But Obi-Wan had stayed and protected her. He had slain the valkon in her defense, just like one of those brave and handsome heroes in the stories she used to read as a child.
Onara moved away from Obi-Wan's hand. She drew her legs up to her chest, put her arms around her thighs and lowered her face between her knees. She envied Obi-Wan so much. The places he had been, the people he had known, the life he had led. What she wouldn't give to see Coruscant and his wondrous Jedi Temple. What she wouldn't give to be free.
Onara choked back a sob as she pressed her face against her knees. She hadn't wanted to get married! All she had wanted was to live her own life, but it was her duty, both to her father and to her people, to go through with this marriage to Edress. A man who saw her as nothing more than some commodity or piece of property he had purchased. Look at how eagerly he had been willing to barter her virginity to Jerule. And not only was he greedy, he was also as cold and cruel as a late winter's night. Then she felt a hand on her back.
"Onara, please, don't cry," Obi-Wan said as he gently rubbed her shoulders.
"I don't want to," she blubbered, her face still locked between her knees, chafing against the sheet which was becoming soaked with her tears. "I shouldn't be crying at all. So many died and suffered during the war. My marrying Edress has helped to end that suffering. It's selfish of me to think only of myself. I'm just the way Grandmother says I am."
"No, you're not. And it's not selfish to feel what you're feeling," Obi-Wan said soothingly. "No one should have to marry except from love."
"Love!" Onara cried as she raised her hot, wet face to him. "Love? I will never know love! Others will, but I won't."
"Onara..." Obi-Wan began as he reached over to touch her.
But she shook her head wildly, evading his hand.
"Oh, Obi-Wan, don't you see! I don't want Edress to be the first. I want it to be you!"
Obi-Wan stared back at her, but Onara saw the doubt in his eyes, the uncertainty. She sobbed and, stumbling clumsily, got up from the floor, the sheet tangling about her legs. She didn't know where she was going. She just wanted to get away from him. She staggered over to the bed. Then she felt his hands on her arms.
"Let me go," she cried.
But Obi-Wan held her, his hands gripping her. She twisted wildly in his grasp, the tears spilling down her cheeks.
"Onara, be still," Obi-Wan pleaded, but Onara continued to struggle against him, hysterical with the awareness she was destined for nothing but the empty days and lonely nights of a loveless marriage.
"Let me go," she wept. "Please, Obi-Wan, just let me go."
But he didn't let her go. He slipped his arms around her back and pressed her tight against his bare chest. Onara tried to break free, but his arms were like a vise about her. She twisted in them and, as they struggled, she felt the edge of the bed bumping against the back of her legs. Obi-Wan pulled her closer, his breath warm on her face.
"Onara, don't, love, don't," he said softly.
She looked up at him and stopped struggling, calmed by the gentleness in his voice and the understanding in his eyes. Then she stood, quiet and still in his arms, the tears hot on her flushed cheeks, as his warm hands slowly explored the small of her back, and those eyes, those extraordinarily colored eyes, those eyes of sky and sea, gazed deeply into hers.
"Love, I'm here," he whispered. "I'm here."
He lowered his head and pressed his lips against hers, then fervently covered her mouth. Onara whimpered, her heart thundering. Her first kiss, and it was the sweetest, most intoxicating thing she had ever experienced. She felt as if she were falling down a well of stars, tendrils of ecstasy spiraling through her veins. She eagerly slid her arms up and around Obi- Wan's neck and, as she did, he pressed her even tighter to him, his warm, sweet mouth burning her very soul.
Then, slowly, gently, he eased her onto the bed.
To be continued....