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Ok, now for this. I can't believe my friends making me write this…

I DO NOT OWN CCS OR CC CLAMP DOES!!!

That was so hard!!!!!!!! Anyway, on with the fic…

Sakura's life is tangled and broken. The Ghost returns to her every night and she can't escape his clutches.

Along comes a stranger, handsome, cool, he is Sakura's only way out. While Sakura chases the Shadows of her Past, Syaoran Li is determined to chase her.

A Father. A daughter. A stranger. And unspoken secrets.

That last night happened so quickly, that it took me a while to become accustomed to it. Everything had started off the same, the darkness, the feet, the sheets. But the Ghost had brought with it one deadly weapon. Friends. The horrors of the Ghost were tripled twice over, repeatedly causing me pain through the night. They made so much noise that I wondered why no one was coming to see what the problem was. But I knew they never would. My room was in the basement, so far from everyone else that I sometimes felt to be in a completely different world. No one could hear in, and no one could hear out. Something the ghost had made sure of. As the first signs of dawn crept over the horizon, I quickly got dressed and slipped out of the house. Why did everyone always say the last time was easier? For me, it was harder. As I walked away, I never looked back. That life was over now and it was the start of a bright new day. The snow had melted but it was still icy and I had to take care as I followed the tracks through the woods and into the fields. I had the feeling that someone was following me. Quickening when I quickened, stopping when I stopped. But every time I turned, no one was there. Closing my eyes, I let out the breath I had been holding. I had been afraid that it was the Ghost, come to take me home and start all over again. But that wasn't going to happen. Not ever again. I would finally be able to live in peace. Soundlessly, I walked to my favourite spot. It was in the middle of a green field, though now the green was highlighted by ice, at the brim of a hill, where an old oak tree stump sat, overlooking other fields. It brought me into a mood of peace and calm whenever I sat there watching life buzz around me in the fields while I seemed to be suspended in time. I settled on the stump and sighed, shooting a startled glance to my right when I heard the snap of a twig. But no one had followed, I had made sure of that. Everyone was asleep at this early hour. No one was crazy enough to be awake at this time. Apart from me of course. Reassuring myself that no one was there, I turned back to the view and silently pulled out a blade.

Seven-year-old Sakura sat on her bed, hugging her knees as the Ghost silently crept away.

I felt tears sting my eyes and I rubbed them with the back of my hand. I didn't want tears right now. I didn't want memories.

Young Sakura sat by Julian, shaking her head fearfully as he asked her if anyone came in to her room at night.

Why didn't I tell him? I'm sure he was suspicious; he had been cold to Father all that week. If only I wasn't such an idiot.

Ten-year-old Sakura glowered at her smiling Father as he stroked her arm. The Ghost was real.

The blade in my hand was trembling as I cut the small marks on my arms over the other scars. This pain was welcome. This was the physical pain I wanted. I never asked for the emotional one that seemed to battle in my mind.

Twelve-year-old Sakura shut her eyes tightly as the door creaked open and light footsteps entered her room. Screaming was not an option any more.

But I could have. What could he have done to me? Hitting me would just prove that he was abusing me. But finally this could all end. I raised the blade over my wrist.

Fourteen-year-old Sakura looked away from the girls in her class. They were expecting an answer, an answer she couldn't give.

"Well?" Rika demanded. "Have you ever had sex or not?"

Sakura squirmed and tried to keep the haunting images from her mind. The other girls were sniggering and nudging each other. Sakura glared at them but didn't answer. She didn't know what to say. Rika smirked.

"I'll take that as a yes and no then." But she winked at the other girls and they sneered. Sakura held her head in her hands.

That wasn't very long ago. I never did tell them, but they must have seen the look on my face. The word got round to Tomoyo, through gossiping Meilin, and it worried her. Especially since I never did answer her questions. Never denying it, but never actually saying that I had willingly. I could have told her then when she asked if I had been raped. Could have shouted 'Yes! Yes! I have! So many times that it makes me sick!' but my words never did leave me, never came out in the open, and so she soon left it at that and continued her daily life. But now I can finish it. I placed the blade on my wrist and pressed hard.

I can end the pain, forever.

I watched as he placed a bandage over the cut. Watched as the blood stained it and covered it. I was filling a little dizzy, but it was nothing serious. He had interrupted my plans…again.

Syaoran must have had the fright of his life, watching me try to kill myself. He had followed me to the field and watched as I cut myself, but taking my own life was way beyond anything he could bare. He had raced out of the woods, crying out in horror as I made the first deep cut in my wrist. He had snatched the blade from my hand and thrown it away from reach before I could cut any deeper that would sufficiently gain me freedom. Now he was crouching in front of me, reaching out to wipe my tears. I stared at him, terrified, and then fell off the stump as I tried to get away. He frowned and then came a little closer. I knew he wouldn't hurt me, but still his nearness sent chills running through my body. No body had ever been that close but the Ghost. His features softened into a look of sorrow and concern. He pointed to my cuts.

"Tell me." he whispered. "Please Sakura, I want to understand why. Why would you try to take your own life?"

"You'd never understand." I replied, keeping of much of the sadness from my voice as I could. But Syaoran was sensitive, he knew me better than I knew myself and heard the despair in my statement. He stared into my eyes. Intense amber on crystal green.

"Try me. I want to understand. I want to help. But I can't help if you don't let me in, don't explain what all this is about." I didn't answer, too afraid of what I would say. I yearned for someone to be able to share my pain, be able to understand, and I wondered if he was the one I could finally lay to rest my secrets on. "Sakura!" he cried exasperatedly, running a hand through that dark unruly hair. "You have money, a wonderful home, a large family so you can't be lonely."

"But I am lonely." I said under my breath, hoping he wouldn't hear. He did, but took no notice of it. For now. When I still didn't answer he began to get angry. The old Syaoran that I remembered showing through.

"Dammit Sakura, its just what I thought. You're a spoiled little brat. I thought you were different from all the others, but obviously not. You have all you could ever need, but you've chosen to ignore it. You have a home, a loving family and a father that is devoted to you…"

I was shocked. A spoiled brat? How could he even think that! A loving home? I didn't even know what any of those things were! He carried on. Ranting about how ungrateful I was. I was loved, adored by a father who was always there, he said. That got me. In an instant I was up, glaring down on him with such anger, such betrayal that he fell silent and stared at me.

"I thought you were different!" I screamed. "I thought you'd understand! I thought you'd be able to see through it all! I am alone! I am lonely! You said I was unique, different from the rest. Well I am, but in a completely different way to what you think! You said Father was devoted to me, always around me! You'll never know how right you are!!!!!!" I was crying, screaming, trembling, but I was in a rage. Before I could stop them, my story was pouring out onto the unsuspecting Syaoran, who still sat beneath me in silent shock. His face slowly began to turn into horror as I spoke. Except that would be too weak a word. I was shrieking. All the pain, anger and hurt over the past fifteen years of my life had finally rolled into one and broke through my barriers.

"I never knew how much they hurt! Never knew how much my birth hurt them! I killed mom. If I hadn't been born then she'd be alive to look after them all! He punished me for it. The Ghost. He was giving me what I deserved!!!!"

Syaoran was staring at me. I saw it in his eyes. He knew, but he didn't believe it. He had to hear it from me.

"You want to know why I was so scared of ghosts when I was younger? All right then, I'll tell you. It stared when I was six. Footsteps outside my door, pacing back and forth for minutes on end. Then one night, the footsteps changed and opened the door. I thought it was a ghost. It came into my room and…and…" I choked on a sob, my barriers trying to rebuild themselves, but they weren't strong enough. I went on. "It pulled back the covers and got in beside me. It had icy, dribbling fingers than ran across my body. It had cold lips that searched me. I was terrified, stiff with horror. Every night it happened, and I never spoke up, terrified of what would happen. I knew it was punishment for killing mom and I didn't want to upset the balance of things. Until one night, when it finally spoke. It spoke with a voice I knew well, held dear to my heart. But now it sends shivers down my spine just thinking about it. I told the Ghost that I'd tell, tell anyone who would listen. But he said that if I did he had penalties to give me. He said that he'd show me some time, and so I'd never tell anyone. I was so young, so vulnerable that I took heed of his word and never told anyone. For all this time I never cried out, my childhood fears weighing on me heavily. I hate myself. I'm dirty. I've got bad blood." I showed him my arms, covered in cuts and scars. Syaoran shivered when he saw them and looked away. "I try to get rid of it. I try to drain it away, but it never works. I always get dirtied up again." tears were streaming down my cheeks but I made no effort to stop them or wipe them away. Now that I'd started, I'd never stop until everything was out in the open. Syaoran looked so pale that I thought all the blood had been drained from him. He was drinking every word with such horror, but he couldn't stop himself. I took a shaking breath before I continued. "I found out who he was when I was ten. He knew that I'd found out, but it never stopped him. Every night the torment returned, but I never resisted, never defied him. It was so obvious, but it had taken me all that time to work out that it wasn't a ghost." My voice was a mere whisper now and when I told him who the Ghost was, he uttered an astonished gasp and grabbed my wrist tightly. He was shaking as much as I was. "The Ghost was Father."

I felt better than I had in ages, but the realisation of what I had done was weighing heavily on my shoulders and I slumped to the ground, drawing my knees up to my chest for comfort. Syaoran looked like he'd seen a ghost. Which in some way, he had. He'd seen my Ghost. And he'd caught my shadow of the past. I continued to explain how I'd felt when I was younger and my descriptions were so life like, so acute to every detail, that I saw tears come to Syaoran's eyes. I was retelling it more for my benefit than his. I had to face my past, not run from it. Syaoran's grip on my wrist tightened painfully as I finished on the last night when the Ghost had brought friends. I waited for him to tell me that I was lying. Mr Avalon would never do things like that! But he didn't. He just watched me quietly.

"I'm sorry Sakura." He whispered. "It was so clear, but I didn't see it. You being afraid of ghosts and then dark. The bruises, why you cut yourself, being terrified of your father, never wanting to go home at night. God, I could have helped you! Everyone would! You just had to say something and it would have all been over long ago." 

"Do you really believe that people would have believed me? The perfect professor, the perfect father, the perfect husband? He's loved everywhere. Why would anyone believe me? The black sheep. The wretched daughter who always does things wrong. The daughter who is so strange? I don't even know why I've told you." I was beginning to realise what I'd done, and I was deeply regretting it. Syaoran let go of my wrist and shuffled a little closer, and I allowed him, though I glanced at him uneasily.

"I believe you. You need to tell your Father that you've had enough." I shook my head furiously but he took my hand gently and kissed it. Funnily enough, I didn't mind it coming form him. He was different.

"Please Sakura, I…care about you." he said this was extreme amount of blushing. "More than you know. Once you get this over with I'll take you away. You'll live with me, finish school and then we'll get married." He suddenly blushed an even deeper red, dropping my hand and rubbing the back of his neck hesitantly. "Uhh…well…that's if-if you want to of course." He glanced at me. And for the first time in years, I smiled. And if I'd known what he was thinking about me then, I might have run as far away as possible. Or I might have jumped into his arms and said, take me away. I've been waiting for you all my life.

I don't know how he'd got me to do it, but I was stood outside Father's study, opening the door to go in. Syaoran was by the window in the garden, watching in case anything went wrong. I stood in front of him, my fear lingering but something overcoming it. Love. Love for Syaoran and I would do anything to go with him, and this was the only way. Time to face the shadows. I spoke, I repeated and I held my head high. Father listened, slight amusement on his face. I didn't like his look. It made me feel small, like a bug he could squash easily if he wanted to. After a moments silence, he replied.

"You can't escape Sakura."

I felt myself shrinking under his gaze, but fought to stay in control.

"I'll tell."

He laughed then, a strange, insane laugh that reminded me of the Ghost and chilled me to the bone.

"I'm sure I've heard that before," he said, fake thought on his face. Suddenly, he broke into a wide grin as if he'd just remembered. "Ah yes, you were seven I believe, just when the 'ghost' started coming. You said that then and got an answer. Why do you think if you say it now the answer will be any different?"

Breathe Sakura. In. out. In. out. You can do this. I glared at him, courage I had always wanted suddenly found.

"This time threats won't work. I'm not a child any more, I know the differences between right and wrong!" I was getting hysterical again, and from the look on Father's face, he was building up to it.

"And I suppose it was right for you to kill your mother?!" he hollered, bearing down on me. But I didn't flinch. He couldn't do this to me now, not when I'd just escaped the clutches of doom; I wasn't falling into them again.

"No, it wasn't! But isn't that torture enough? Just knowing?! You've always singled me out, though it was never that obvious to anyone around us! You killed my spirit and then my self-respect and then my heart. But that can be repaired. Why can't you understand? It wasn't my fault! I never meant to be born! I couldn't help it!"

Father's face was going from red to purple, and I could see him struggling to            control something inside of him. An excuse maybe. But I wanted to hear it. Wanted to hear it all, and so I took a final leap. I should have known that it would be into a black hole.

"You wanted a child, you got one, but this time it came at a cost!"

"But you were unwanted! You were a mistake!!!!!!!!!!!" he thundered. Then everything was silent. Anger evaporated. Fear replaced it. I felt my throat catch and my heart stop.

"No…" I murmured. "M…mistake?"

Jeez, life for Sakura just keeps getting worse and worse! Poor girl…

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Sakura_Free_Spirit