Game Slave 2: The MUSICAL! (Act 1)
Scene I: Vampire Piggy Hunter
A black curtain is drawn in front of the stage. As a dramatic theme plays on the organ, fog slowly covers the stage. The Vampire Piggy Hunter steps out of the fog and strikes a dramatic pose.
Vampire Piggy Hunter (http://www.broadwaymidi.com/down/POTO-PhantomOfTheOpera02.mid)
VPH: From lands remote I came
And I shall not
Leave 'til I snuff the flame
Evil has wrought.
For this shall be my task
My sworn duty!
Vampire Piggy Hunter is my name...
I hunt vampire piggies!
And every porcine beast
Each hog and sow
Shall quite soon be deceased
That is my vow!
And I will hunt until
My victory!
Vampire Piggy Hunter is my name...
I hunt vampire piggies!
Ghostly Offstage Voices: It's him, Vampire Piggy Hunter!
It's him, Vampire Piggy Hunter!
Vampire piggies come through the aisles on either side of the stage and dance towards VPH.
VPH: I'll fight the piggy threat
Piggies: Oink oink!
VPH: 'Til it decays.
Piggies: Oink... oink oink!
VPH: Each pig will soon regret
Piggies: Oink oink!
VPH: His evil ways!
Piggies: Oink... oink oink!
VPH: The pigs will wish that they
Piggies: Oink...
VPH: Had not crossed me!
Piggies: Oink oink... oink!
VPH: Vampire Piggy Hunter is my name...
Piggies: Oink oink oink!
VPH: I hunt vampire piggies!
VPH and the piggies engage each other in fierce choreographed battle.
VPH: You creatures should go back
Piggies: Oink oink!
VPH: From whence you came
Piggies: Oink... oink oink!
VPH: I am sworn to attack
Piggies: Oink oink!
VPH: And I will maim
Piggies: Oink... oink oink!
VPH: Each piggy 'till I reach
Piggies: Oink...
VPH: My destiny!
Piggies: Oink oink... oink!
VPH: Vampire Piggy Hunter is my name...
Piggies: Oink oink oink!
VPH: I hunt vampire piggies!
'Tis I, Vampire Piggy Hunter!
'Tis I, Vampire Piggy Hunter!
VPH sings a series of high notes as the piggies overcome him. Above the scene, a neon sign flashes the words 'Game Over' a few times. There is a blackout.
Scene II: The Membrane Household
The curtain rises to reveal the Membrane living room. Both Dib and Gaz are on the couch in front of the TV; the audience can only see the back of the TV. Gaz is looking at her Game Slave angrily, while Dib is reading 'Crazy Spooky' magazine.
Gaz, speaking: Stupid blood pig! I almost beat that level!
She glares at Dib.
Gaz, speaking: And I probably would have if you didn't turn the TV on...
Dib, speaking: But Mysterious Mysteries is on in five minutes!
Game Slave Two
Announcer Voice: Do you like vampire piggies?
Gaz's eyes become wide and she intently watches the screen.
Gaz: Yes, I like vampire piggies!
AV: Then I have some wonderful news for you!
They're back! The game can now be played
On the best system ever made!
On the amazing, fantastic, Game Slave Two!
It's the amazing, fantastic Game Slave Two!
If you don't have one, what is wrong with you?
How can you have any fun
Making do with Game Slave One?
Go out right now and buy the Game Slave Two!
Buy the amazing, fantastic Game Slave Two!
If you're a gamer and don't own one, you are through!
You must buy one for yourself.
Go and pick one off the shelf!
You'll be glad that you bought the Game Slave Two!
There's an orchestral flourish as Gaz gets off the couch and throws her Game Slave offstage. A spotlight shines on her. Gaz is still in a somewhat trancelike state.
Gaz: I must have the great, fantastic Game Slave Two!
I'm sure I will not rest until I do.
And so, to the mall I'll run
Before selling has begun
To ensure that I get a Game Slave Two!
Nothing can stop me from buying Game Slave Two!
And so, before long, I will get my due.
By the rising of the sun
I'll be having lots of fun
Playing with my fantastic Game Slave Two!
The spotlight fades. Gaz takes a bat and starts walking offstage. Professor Membrane enters.
Prof. M, speaking: Where do you think you're going?
Gaz, speaking: To the mall. Game Slave 2 goes on sale at midnight. I need one.
Prof. M, speaking: Oh. Okay then, have fun. Just one thing. Take your brother with you.
Gaz, speaking: What?!
Go With Your Brother
Prof. M: The mall is fraught with dangers,
And children need a friend
To ward off creeps and strangers
And on whom they'll depend.
I'd come with you if I could,
But I'm too busy to.
But I'm sure your brother would
Go accompany you.
Go with him, and not with any other...
Go to the mall with Dib, your brother!
Gaz: I think I can handle it;
That's why I have the bat!
Membrane takes the bat from Gaz.
Prof. M: No! It would not benefit
You if you carried that.
Gaz, speaking: Aww...
Prof. M: There is but one thing to do.
Daughter, listen to me:
Your brother must go with you;
And that is my decree!
Go with him, and not with any other...
Go to the mall with Dib, your brother!
Gaz: Fine, then. Dib, it's time to go;
I do not want to wait!
If you're going to be slow,
I know you'll rue your fate!
If we must go together,
You had better hurry!
'Cause otherwise I'll never
Let you forget, you'll see!
So you'd better hurry up, my brother...
For otherwise you won't recover!
Dib, speaking: Don't I have any say in this? A new Mysterious Mysteries is on! She can wait to get her stupid game!
Prof. M, speaking: Stupid game? Son, don't ever say that video games are stupid!
Video Games
Prof. M: In all my years of learning,
(And that's an awful lot)
I've found myself returning
To this specific thought:
One can use video games
To achieve lots that's great!
For some of these machines' aims
One ought to contemplate...
For...
Video games, it's true, have quite a multitude of uses,
They help your coordination! Plus, if anyone confuses
A gold star for an explosive, video games will set them right!
By practicing, they'll know to pick up stars and avoid dynamite!
They'll teach you how to throw barrels at unsuspecting enemies
And that, when you can throw fire, your rival almost always flees.
When you consider all the skills that video gaming brings,
You'll know that games can help make kids into better human beings!
They also teach kids all about assorted magical spells
Kids know magic that's offensive from the type that merely dispels
They know that dinosaurs are friendly only if they're really cute
And to collect gold coins because it's always useful to have loot.
They can travel the Oregon Trail, or at leat shoot buffalo
Using video games there is no limit to what they might know!
When you consider all the skills that video gaming brings,
You'll know that games can help make kids into better human beings!
Dib, speaking: Okay... I'll go, but only after this show is over.
Membrane walks offstage, and the Mysterious Mysteries theme tune begins to play. Dib hums along.
Mysterious Mysteries
Announcer Voice and Dib: Do you wonder about what lurks beyond?
Of Bigfoot, aliens, and werewolves are you fond?
We're here to feed your curiosities!
Welcome to... Mysterious Mysteries!
We find each clue, each alien baby
And answer questions with a resounding 'maybe'.
We aren't afraid of mutant zombies,
Because we're... Mysterious Mysteries!
Some shows deny
That there can be fly-
-ing saucers around...
They just explain
Things that are mundane.
Their feet on the ground...
We're not afraid to expose the whole truth!
And we'll go from Delhi to Duluth
To examine paranormal possibilities,
Now watch... Mysterious Mysteries!
Announcer Voice, speaking: Tonight, we examine the banshees of Ireland...
Dib speaking: Ooooh...
Gaz, speaking: You stink!
Blackout.
Scene III: The Mall
There is a long line of kids leading up to the GS 2 sales counter, which is high up on a platform. Next to the platform is a rope which leads offstage.
Game Slave Two (Reprise)
Kids, reverently: We must get the fantastic Game Slave Two!
Game Slave Two!
If we can't get our own, we'll be through!
We'll be through!
Kid: I must have one for myself.
Please give me one off the shelf!
Kids: For we can't survive without the Game Slave Two!
Game Slave Two!
The tune continues to play and the kids gently hum the chorus as Gaz and Dib come onstage.
Dib, speaking: Eheh, look at all the kids...
Gaz gets very angry.
Dib, speaking: It was a... really good episode...
Gaz, speaking: Hey, Dib. I think I saw a Chupacabra or something going into that parking garage.
Gaz gets in line and Dib begins to walk offstage.
Dib, speaking: That's odd. There isn't a goat to feed on for miles...
A clerk, followed by a muscular man, appears and waves to the crowd.
Clerk: If you want to get a Game Slave Two,
You'll wait in line and I'll sell it to you.
And then you'll leave quickly
As soon as you've paid your fee!
So step up and buy your Game Slave Two!
The clerk gives a GS 2 to the first kid, who does a quick dance before the muscular man attaches him to the rope and he slides offstage. Once he is offstage, there is a loud burst of percussive music and smoke comes from the side of the stage where the kid was last seen. Iggins comes on stage and gets in line behind Gaz.
Iggins, speaking: Hey, is this the line for the GS 2?
Gaz, speaking: Yes....
Iggins, speaking: Cool! What's your name?
Gaz, speaking: Gaz...
Iggins, speaking: That's a funny name. Oh, I'm Iggins, by the way. I'll bet you've heard about me!
Gaz, speaking: Uh, no...
Iggins, speaking: You haven't?! Well...
A spotlight forms on the two. Note that the line moves throughout the song until they get to the counter at the end.
I've Just Gotta Be Iggins
Iggins: Iggins, I'm Iggins!
The best gamer 'round here!
I can beat anyone at games;
I'm gamer of the year!
I already beat the vampire piggies on my Game Slave Two,
But I must get the US version, for there's more to do...
Because a new zombie hog level has been added to the game,
And I will beat it swiftly, or Iggins is not my name...
Let me reframe:
I've just gotta be Iggins,
I've just gotta be me!
For if I were not Iggins,
Who on Earth would I be?
I will always be Iggins,
Of that fact I'm aware.
And I'm glad to be Iggins,
Gamer extraordinaire!
I am the true master of video gaming reality;
I'll find more secret bonus levels than anybody.
I complete video games quickly and with many lives to spare
I'm so much better than challengers, it's not even fair!
But I don't care!
I've just gotta be Iggins,
I've just gotta be me!
For if I were not Iggins,
Who on Earth would I be?
I will always be Iggins,
Of that fact I'm aware.
And I'm glad to be Iggins,
Gamer extraordinaire!
If people cannot win a game, I will still beat the final boss
And I'll naturally be pleased by the audience applause
But, when I win, I will nonetheless be a tiny bit queasy,
Because, you know, that final boss was just way too easy!
Know why it's breezy?
'Cause I've just gotta be Iggins,
I've just gotta be me!
For if I were not Iggins,
Who on Earth would I be?
I will always be Iggins,
Of that fact I'm aware.
And I'm glad to be Iggins,
Gamer extraordinaire!
The spotlight fades. Gaz and Iggins are right by the counter.
Clerk, speaking: Next!
Gaz, speaking: Finally.
The Last Game Slave
Clerk: Uh, none are left;
Of Game Slaves we're...
The clerk gets out a dictionary.
...bereft!
You'll have to come back in a month, young miss.
Gaz: It's just not fair!
Are you even aware...
I had to sit through Dib's dumb show for this?!
You've got to look; there must be one!
You will regret it if there's none!
For I am due to have my fun!
Please find one for me!
Clerk: Uh... look! I've found
Just one laying around.
It's been pre-ordered, but there's been no claim.
Clarence Wong must
Come soon; if not, I trust
That you will be the owner of the game.
Iggins: I'm Clarence! Give me the Game Slave!
The zombie hog level I crave!
I'll send each piggy to his grave!
I am so happy!
Iggins pays and skips down the stairs. Gaz follows him.
Gaz, speaking: You're no Clarence Wong. You stole my Game Slave. That one is rightfully mine! I'll buy it from you, but there's no way you're keeping it.
Iggins, speaking: It's mine! I saw an opening and I went for it. That's why I'm the superior gamer!
I've Just Gotta Be Iggins (Reprise)
Iggins: I made my move, and that's why I deserve to have the Game Slave Two,
And like a true gamer, I always get what I pursue.
That's how the cookie crumbles; you'll just have to wait to get your own,
Don't be so shocked that I have won. You really should have known.
Don't ask me to atone!
For I've just gotta be Iggins,
I've just gotta be me!
For if I were not Iggins,
Who on Earth would I be?
I will always be Iggins,
Of that...
Gaz, speaking: Shut up! You will regret invoking my wrath.
Iggins, speaking: You know, you need help.
Iggins skips offstage and a spotlight goes on Gaz.
I'll Have My Revenge
You stole what was mine
But I will not pine
My own course will be far more effective.
Since you've crossed the line,
Vengeance will be mine!
You messed with me, and I cannot forgive...
You've made a mockery of what is right,
So I'll reverse this awful slight,
And by the end of the night,
I'll have my revenge!
You will be sorry for what you have done,
But you cannot stop what you have begun!
Go, play my Game Slave, you can have your fun,
I'll have my revenge!
How could you cross me? How could you take it?
That Game Slave should have gone to me!
Soon, you'll be sorry, and soon you'll admit
Your wrongdoing; you'll give an apology!
For you see...
You'll learn Gaz is not one to be messed with,
You will soon learn not to take my things if
You can't handle it when I scare you stiff.
I'll... have... my... re... venge!
Curtain falls.
INTERMISSION
Please buy our Vampire Piggy Hunter brand pork chops - now on
sale in the lobby!