Rise of the Zitboy: The MUSICAL! (Act 1)

Scene I: Zim's Lab

Zim is in his lab, working on an experiment with two chickens. Two are at the bottom of tubes, which rise past the audience's field of vision. There is a window at the back of the set, and behind it is a projection of space.

An Irken Who's Worth Anything (The Testing Song)
Zim: An Irken who's worth anything
Must know the simple fact
That if an Irken wants to bring
Doom, he has to enact

Plenty of tests so that he can
Know more about the stink
That's on the planet, thus his plan
He's able to rethink.

He'll use the knowledge that he's gained
To plot much devistation.
The reason victory's attained
Is investigation!

So, in this spirit, I must work
On this ingenious test!
And I will be the pride of Irk
Once the Earth's beem posessed.

And so I shall not rest
'Til I complete this test!

It's time to use technology
Time to learn about zoology!
And this chicken
Will soon take a lickin'
With science-y methodology!

I'll shoot a chicken from this place!
I'll then study the look on his face,
Let him react
And I'll know for a fact
If chickens can live in outer space!

Zim presses the button with a flourish. As the music plays, the first chicken rises out of the audience's view. Half a second later, the projection behind the window shows the chicken flying through space and burning up.

Zim, speaking: Hmmm.... interesting.

Zim turns toward the audience in a theatrical manner.

Zim: And through this clever test
Earth's knowledge I'll digest!

I'll use knowledge to prove my worth
By using it to conquer the Earth!
And soon the whim
Of the amazing Zim
Will control this filthy pile of turf!

My brilliant scheme simply can't fail!
The planet Earth I will assail!
My awesome might
Will allow me to blight
This planet until all must hail...

The great genius of Zim!
I'll soon...

Zim's song is interrupted by the melodic beeping of an alarm. A security robot comes on.

Zim, speaking: What? What is it?

Intruder Alert
Robot: I don't mean to be miscontrued, or
Be rude, or,
Anything, but there's an intruder!

Your home base is being pursued, for
One eludes our
Security; it's an intruder!

A chorus of robots comes behind the main robot.

Intruder Alert!
Backup: Oooh, Intruder!
Robot: Don't mean to be curt,
Backup: Beep, beep! Intruder!
Robot: But you must protect the house
From this wicked spying louse!
All robots: It's an in... tru... der alert!

Robot: Intruder Alert!
Backup: Yes, Intruder!
Robot: Though this news may hurt,
Backup: In-in-intruder!
Robot: Before this song's adjourned,
We just want you to be warned!
All robots: It's an in... tru... der alert!

The music slows down, and a blinking sign with the word 'Intruder!' comes down. The robots in the chorus link arms and can-can, while the main robot takes off his leg and starts twirling it like a cane.

Robot, very hammy: It's an intruder...
Backup: Intruder...
Robot: Intru...

Zim, speaking impatiently: Yes yes, I get it! Enough already!

Abruptly, the robots stop dancing and sadly walk offstage. The sign also disappears.

Zim: Now, I must find this... intruder. He will know the terrible wrath of Zim!

As Zim begins to walk offstage, there is a blackout.

Scene II: Outside Zim's House

Dib, wearing a squirrel costume, is sneaking stealthily around Zim's yard. Throughout the song, he continues to dart around in a sprightly, choreographed way.

I'm Spying! (http://www.broadwaymidi.com/down/PP-06ImFlyingFlyingBallet.mid)
Dib: I'm spying!

Look at me, watch me spy!
Like a good Swollen Eye,
I'm spying!

I'm spying!
I can learn all about
Zim's mission, and without
Much trying!

I will collect proof of planet Irk.
Now, it's time that I got down to work!

I'm spying!

Nothing will stop me now,
I'll get Zim, that's my vow!
I'll get lots of proof,
Then they'll know the truth!
I'm spying!

I'm sly; I'll find my way to Zim's base...
I know this will end in Zim's disgrace!

I'm spying!
Over fence, over gnome...
I will get in Zim's home.
This is quite a breeze!
I'll get through with ease!
And then Zim will no longer have invading duties!
I'm spying!

I'm spying!
And now in no time flat,
I'll get past; this is sat-
-isfying!

I'm spying!
I have nothing to fear;
I will win, and I'll hear
Zim crying!

I'll stay out of sight, and I will try...
To sneak around here like a good spy!

I'm spying!
I will hide, out of sight,
And find proof of what's right.
Zim ought to beware!
I'll get in his lair!
I will break and enter largely thanks to all my dar-
-ing spying!

Zim opens the front door.

Zim, speaking: Gnomes! Capture the squirrel!

The gnomes capture Dib. Zim pulls off Dib's mask.

Zim, speaking: Nice try, squirrel-Dib! I laugh at your pitiful attempt at spying! Ha!

Dib gets free of the gnomes and stands behind the fence.

Dib, speaking: Go on, laugh! You'll be sorry!

Doing... Stuff
Dib: Beware, Zim, for I will find a way inside
Soon I'll be in your home, and you can not hide!
Your gnomes will not protect you forever!

I will breach your home base's security
And I will be sure to break in frequently!
Zim: You will never break in, Dib! No, never!

Dib: Go ahead, think you're secure!
I'll get in, though you are sure
Your defense is tough.

And then, when you least suspect
I'll break in and will inspect
I'll be doing... stuff!

You will regret you misjudged me!
You will see!
I will make it through...

I will get in, at any rate.
Just you wait!
I will get my due!

Whatever you do, it will not be enough!
I will find a way to get inside and... do... stuff!

Zim: Dib-filth, you can not deceive
Zim! It is best you leave.
Stop your foolish bluff!

How could you get inside my base?
You're really a mental case
To think of doing... stuff!

My defenses are without a flaw
So withdraw!
You don't have a chance!

You will meet your doom and defeat
Just retreat!
You'll never advance...

So leave me alone; don't give me any guff!
Don't even think of coming in and do...ing... stuff!

Zim, speaking: Uh, You haven't discovered some kind of a flaw in my security net, have you?

Dib, speaking: Let's just say your home defenses could use some tightening.

Zim's jaw drops and Dib goes offstage.

Zim, speaking: You lie! Nothing breaches my defenses, nothing! You hear me, squirrel boy? Nothing!

Nothing Gets Past My Security
Zim: Nothing can get past my great hi-tech defense
You will just waste your time if you try!
My security system is perfect, and hence,
It will capture any foolish spy!

For...
Nothing gets past my security,
No, nothing at all!
It beats all systems in the city,
And never will fall!

A pizza guy walks, unnoticed, behind Zim and approaches the door.

My system was tightly created,
By my mighty hand!
And so the system will be fated
To quickly withstand...

The threats of this planet!
If something tresspasses, security will ban it!

The pizza guy rings the doorbell. Zim turns around.

Zim, speaking: Huh?

Gir opens the door.

Pizza guy, speaking: Here's the pizza you ordered.

Gi, speakingr: Thank you.... I... I love you....

Gir takes the pizza, and the pizza guy walks offstage. Zim angrily walks over to Gir.

Zim, speaking: Gir! We fend humans away from our home, not invite them over!

Gir, speaking: I had a coupon!

Gir goes inside.

Zim, speaking: Maybe there is some kind of flaw! But what? I have to fix it before the Dib-creature can find a way inside my lair!

Zim enters the door, and there is a blackout.

Scene III: Inside Zim's House

Gir is eating pizza on the sofa. Zim is standing to the side and thinking.

Gir: Whee! This pizza sure is good!

Grease
Gir: I love pizza, it's so cheesy!
It will never make me queasy!
Why? The answer is quite easy...
I love it because it's greasy!

I love grease!
And my love will never cease!
Grease is the word, it makes things yummy,
Greasy food could never taste crummy!

Pick a food...
Add grease and it will taste... güd!
When you add grease, oil, lard, or fat...
You will have good food in no time flat!

What is in every good meal?
What thing has lots of appeal?
Grease, so good it makes me feel...
Eee! The thought just makes me squeal!

And I could eat grease all day long!
That is no lie, I am not wrong!
And so I'll show my very stong
Love of greasy food through song!

I love grease!
And my love will never cease!
Grease is the word, it makes things yummy,
Greasy food could never taste crummy!

Pick a food...
Add grease and it will taste... güd!
When you add grease, oil, lard, or fat...
You will have good food in no time flat!

Zim, exasperated, walks over to Gir.

Zim: Now stop this greasy nonsense, Gir!
I need a plan, so that that cur
Named Dib will be foiled for sure!
So, robot slave, you must defer!

Gir, speaking: Aw, someone's not feeling the love...

Gir: But, master, grease is so yummy!
Why can't you love it, just like me?
It should make you explode with glee...
I'll make you love grease, wait and see!

Gir, covered in grease, embraces Zim.

You'll love grease!
And that love will never cease!
For grease is great, it makes things yummy,
Greasy food could never taste crummy!

Pick a food...
Add grease and it will taste... güd!
When you add grease, oil, lard, or fat...
You will have good food in no time flat!

Zim, speaking: Get off! Get off! Get off!

Zim finally succeeds in getting Gir off, but he is now covered in grease.

Zim, speaking: See what you've done? I'm covered in this disgusting oil filth!

Gir, speaking: Isn't it great?

Zim screams.

Get Me Soap
Zim: Get me soap!
If there is any hope
Of getting this filth off of me,
I must have soap, Gir, and quickly!

Gir, go walk
And get me cleansing chalk!
This grease feels weird on my skin,
And I don't want it to sink in!

Gir, speakng: Okee-dokey!

Gir dances offstage, and the music gets more frantic.

Zim: Argh, blech, ack!
I need this grease off me!
Oh, alack!
I can't stand this filthy...
Slimy goo!
Oh, what am I to do?

Disgusting!
Grease is an awful thing!
The feeling...
Of this gross lard does ling-
-er in me!
I hope soap sets me free!

Gir dances back onstage with the soap in his hand as well as a mirror. Zim forcefully grabs it from his hand and scrubs furiously in time with the music .

Get it off!
This oil is a pain!
Slimy stuff!
I dont want to remain
With it on...
So, filthy grease, begone!

Zim stops scrubbing and feels his face. He is shocked when he notices that it is still greasy. He screams and looks at the soap.

Oh why...
Is there bacon in the soap?

Gir, try...
To explain this, you big dope!

Gir, speaking: I made it myself!

Zim takes the mirror from Gir, looks at himself, and screams.

Zim, speaking: Aaah! My face!

Gir, speaking: You got a pimple!

Zim, speaking: Pim-pol?

Gir, speaking: It's like on TV!

Gir gets out a stereo and puts a 'Now That's What I Call Annoying Jingles' CD inside. He starts dancing and sings the lyrics, while imitating the characters.

'Cause I've Got A Pimple (http://www.dragonriders.com/midi/tv/saved_by_the_bell.mid)
Gir, as teen: When I wake up in the mornin',
And the 'larm gives out a warnin',
I take a look at my face before school.
But then, to my great horror,
I know bad things are in store,
I have a pimple and I will never again be cool!
Nothing's right... 'cause I've got a pimple!

Now my social life's a wreck.
It has simply gone to heck,
Because of the gross blemish on my face.
My peers now reject me,
For the flaw that they see,
I wish that I could get my social status back in place!
Nothing's right... 'cause I've got a pimple!
Nothing's right... 'cause I've got a pimple!

Gir, as Acne Blast Man: Hi, my name is Acne Blast Man,
And I am certain that I can,
Restore the glory of your social life!
Just put on my facial cream,
And your status you'll redeem,
With Acne Blast, everything will soon be free from strife!
Never fear... I'll destroy your pimple!

Gir takes a tube from his head and, as the teen, puts cream on his 'pimple'. He grins.

Gir, as teen: Yay! My pimple's disappeared,
And my face has been cleared!
My popularity will now be high!
I will have lots of pals,
And be friends with cute gals,
I am so happy that I'm certain I could touch the sky!
It's alright... 'cause I have no pim...
It's alright... 'cause I have no pim...
It's alright... 'cause I have no pimple!

Zim, speaking: I must obtain Acne Blast! Gimme that!

Zim grabs the tube from Gir.

Zim, speaking: Now, to the wash room! My face will be pim-pol free once again!

Zim goes offstage as a tune plays. Gir takes the bit of cream from his face and eats it. After a few seconds, Zim emerges from the bathroom amid smoke. His pimple is now of gigantic proportions.

Zim, speaking: What is this stuff? It made the pim-pol worse!

Zim gives the tube back to Gir... it is now revealed to be 'Concentrated Lard' rather than Acne Blast. Gir eats the tube.

Zim, speaking: Gir, how could you? This is so not right! It's jeopardizing everything I've worked for!

Zim goes to the front of the stage while Gir dances in the background.

The Birth of Pustulio
Zim: What will I do? How will I get by?
How can I study the population,
With each single Earthling girl and guy,
Gazing at my ugly deformation?

Will all my espionage go to waste,
Gir: I'm dancin'...
Zim: Will I now have to let my tallest down?
Gir: Like a monkey...
Zim: Because of the pimple on my face...
Gir: I'm prancin'...
Zim: Will I now be consigned to play the clown?
Gir: Really funky...

Zim, speaking: Gir, quiet! I'm trying to think!

Gir, speaking: Aw, you look sad... I'll make it better!

Gir draws a face on the pimple.

Zim: Don't you do that! Will you go away?
Gir: Yes, I'll go... I will obey, my master.

Gir proceeds to walk away.

Zim: Gir? Follow orders? Does he obey?
Gir: What's wrong? If you'd like, I will go faster.

Zim: Gir!
Gir: Yes sir!
Zim: Do the following for me...
Roll on the floor!
Bow down to me!
And roll some more...
I want to see!

Gir: Yes, of course, whatever you say!
Yes, my master! I obey!

Gir follows Zim's orders. Zim turns away from Gir and he starts dancing again.

Zim: Well, at least I have respect from Gir...
Gir: I'm dancin'...
Zim: But this blemish still threatens my mission.
Gir: Like a monkey...
Zim: I need my features to look as they were,
Gir: I'm prancin'...
Zim: My pim-pol must undergo remission!
Gir: Really funky...

Zim, speaking: Gir, what happened to obeying your master?

Zim turns around.

Gir: Sorry, master, I will now stay
Subservient and obey!

Zim, speaking: Hmmm...

Zim starts turning towards and away from Gir, and the song changes accordingly.

Gir 1: Whoo! Monkey dance!
Gir 2: I will do my best to pay...
Gir 1: Give it a chance!
Gir 2: Attention and I'll obey...
Gir 1: Actin' crazy!
Gir 2: I will do the things you say...
Gir 1: Bein' lazy!
Gir 2: Your orders I won't betray!
Gir 1: I'll have a ton,
Gir 2: Resolutely I will stay,
Gir 1: Of monkey fun!
Gir 2: And follow orders right away!

Zim, speaking: Hmm...

Zim: It seems this gruesome pim-pol of mine,
Can control the minds of all who see it!
Now I have been granted power divine!
I can control Dib's mind! I guarantee it!

I can finally glean what he knows,
And I'll soon repair my security
Once Dib, my enemy himself, shows
My security system's flaws to me!

Now, Gir, it's time to get to work.
Gir: Get to work...
Zim: This is a task I shall not shirk!
Gir: Shall not shirk...
Zim: I'll give my blemish a disguise,
Gir: A disguise....
Zim: And then, before Dib catches wise,
Gir: Catches wise...
Zim: His information I will know!
Thanks to my pim-pol... my Pustulio!

Zim heads in the direction of the lab and the curtain falls.

INTERMISSION
On sale in the lobby: Gir Brand Cleansing Chalk! It comes in bacon, taco meat, mayonnaise, and chicken varieties, so be sure to collect them all!