Tak, the Hideous New Girl: The MUSICAL! (Act 1)


Scene I: Ms. Bitters' Classroom - Valentine's Day

Ms. Bitters is not in the classroom yet; however, the kids are inside. The desk is near the back of the stage. On the left, there is a large window which shows the yard outside (a projection). There is a door on the right.

The Fourteenth of February
Group 1: Birds tweet...
Group 2: So sweet...
All: Buds bloom!

Group 1: Hearts beat...
Group 2: Too fleet...
All: No gloom!

With all this joy before us, it's easy to assume...
Trio: To assume...

All: It can't be Christmas Day, for there's no snow upon the ground.
It can't be Easter either; there are no eggs to be found!
We'd say that it was April Fools, but no one's played a trick.
It can't be finals week, because nobody's called in sick!
And so, without a doubt, we must say...
It's the fourteenth of February: Valentine's Day!

It isn't Passover, Flag Day, or St. Patrick's Day yet.
We know it can't be summer; it's too cold to break a sweat!
No president was born today, or we would have to squeeze
Into a room so we could watch dopey assemblies!
And so, without a doubt, we must say...
It's the fourteenth of February: Valentine's Day!

July Fourth, New Years, Halloween play their parts
But one day has a special place in our hearts...

And that's Valentine's
Vale-vale-valentine's Day!
That's what we say!
So, hooray
For this Valentine's Day!

Ms. Bitters enters the room looking angry. She faces towards an unseen figure on the other side of the door.

This Is The Meaning
Bitters: No!
Offstage Voice: Yes!
Bitters: No!
OV: Yes!
Bitters: No, no, no, no, NO!
OV: ...Yes.

Bitters, speaking: You'll pay for this one!

Ms. Bitters slams the door and goes towards her desk.

Bitters: Listen up, for I have an announcement to make.
Despite my own objections and outrage,
The principal's letting you foolish children partake
In holiday 'tradition'. You'll engage

In mindless celebration of pathetic 'love'.
Go ahead, children, go pass out your treats!
It's 'traditon', so I really have no chance of
Preventing you from passing out your meats.

Kids, shouting: Yay!

Kids: This is the meaning
Of St.Valentine's!
Sharing our food and
Stuffing our faces!

This room is teaming
With steak and pork rinds!
Plus some that's canned
In heart-shaped cases!

Let us celebrate this day with lots of tasty meat,
For it's only with this food that this day's complete!

We are giving out lamb chops to our closest friends!
Pork, beef, and chicken simply can't be beat!
And for the vegetarian, one merely sends
Tofu in the place of actual meat!

Aki approaches Zim with her meat.

Zim: I can't accept this, for... I've forgotten my meat!
Sorry, but it slipped my mind completely.
Now please get that... filthy food... away from my seat!
Eek! Get it off! Get it away from me!

Zim has tossed the meat all over the place. Aki shrugs and walks away.

Kids: This is the meaning
Of St.Valentine's!
Sharing our food and
Stuffing our faces!

This room is teaming
With steak and pork rinds!
Plus some that's canned
In heart-shaped cases!

Let us celebrate this day with lots of tasty meat,
For it's only with this food that this day's complete!

Gretchen begins piling Valentine's meat on Dib's desk.

Gretchen: Here's some chopped surloin, hamburger, and a rump roast,
Plus some chicken tenders and a prime rib.
All of the meats that the palate savors most,
I am now giving as a gift to Dib!

Dib: Ms. Bitters, I read that chocolate boxes, cards and sweets
Were Valentine's tradition long ago.
So, why on Earth have we replaced these gifts with meats?
Bitters: Dib, trust me, you really don't want to know.

Bitters, speaking: I had a Valentine once...

As Ms. Bitters steps forward, the music becomes more somber and heartfelt. A spotlight goes on her, and she begins to sing.

I Once Had A Valentine
Bitters: I once had romance.
I once had a Valentine...
I once had the chance!
But...

The song is interrupted by a beeping noise as well as by a red light flashing in the back of the room. The spotlight abruptly changes back to normal lighting. Ms. Bitters, appearing disgruntled, looks back at the flashing light.

Bitters, speaking: Another one?

She clears her throat and begins speaking to the class.

Bitters, speaking: To celebrate overcrowding in skool, a new student will be joining the class. Since the student will need a place to sit, I'll be transferring...

She forcefully points to Rob.

Bitters, speaking: YOU to the... underground classroom!

There is a cloud of smoke where Rob is sitting; when it clears, he has disappeared. Ms. Bitters points at Brian.

Bitters, speaking: And I'm just tired of you.

There is another cloud of smoke, and Brian disappears. Outside the window, Tak's jet lands (a projection), and nearly all the kids watch it in awe. Mimi briefly walks by the window, but quickly disappears. A second later, Tak walks through the doorway, with a box in her arms.

Tak, speaking: Hi, my name's Tak! I'm new here.

Kids, speaking in a hypnotized manner: Hello, Tak...

Wieners For Everyone
Tak: There's a fact that you should know
As I join the classroom crew.
And I think it apropos
To tell of my life and give a clue.

I'll explain my past, or try.
I am quite unlike you, which
I can eas'ly justify
With the fact that I am filthy rich!

For my dad is the head...
Kids: Yes, her dad is the head...
Tak: Of the Dee-Lishus Weenie Corporation!
The company that's led...
Kids: Yes, we know that it's led...
Tak: All the other fast food chains in the nation!

And to show that it's the truth,
I thought it would be great fun
To present, as final proof
Valentine's wieners for everyone!

A group of kids starts to approach Tak.

Come, my friends, come and partake
In my nice dee-lishus feast!
Come and eat, please, for my sake!
Or just take a small nibble at least!

For my dad is the head...
Kids: Yes, her dad is the head...
Tak: Of the Dee-Lishus Weenie Corporation!
The company that's led...
Kids: Yes, we know that it's led...
Tak: All the other fast food chains in the nation!

Kids: This is quite a pleasant shock!
These wieners are great, it's true.
Thank you, Tak!
Smolga: These wieners rock!
Tak: Now everyone should eat... except you!

Tak is pointing towards Zim.

Zim, speaking: Weenies, shmeenies! Zim needs no meat!

Tak, speaking: I have prepared something special for you...

Sara, speaking: Oooh... Zim has a girlfriend!

Tak, speaking: It's not nice to embarrass people! You should apologize and... eat your eraser!

Sara, speaking: Yes Tak! I'm sorry Zim!

Sara eats her eraser, and Tak clears her throat.

Birds Sing, And You're Gonna Pay
Tak: For longer than I can remember,
I've been looking for someone like you.
Someone with a head like yours,
And a torso, too.

For too long, a fierce, burning ember
Has remained in the depths of my soul.
It has plotted out my course;
It's taken control!

Birds sing, and you're gonna pay!
Hear the swallow and the jay!
Doves and sparrows warble on
'Til the coming of the dawn.
Still, they couldn't understand
The great future I have planned!
You're gonna pay!

It seems like I've crossed the universe
Just to gaze upon your special face.
Now I've finally met you
In this very place.

In my mind, I constantly rehearse
What I'd say if I saw you one day.
Here's what I'll say, now that it's come true:
Zim, you're gonna pay!

Birds sing, and you're gonna pay!
They all tweet their lives away!
Go ahead, let them twitter
For I have planned a bitter-
Sweet moment just for us two!
And that moment I'll pursue!
You're gonna pay!

Yes, it is true!
That fine moment I'll pursue!
I will show you!
And our meeting you will rue!
You're gonna pay!

Tak, speaking: The end! Here's some meat covered in barbecue sauce!

Tak grabs meat from behind Ms. Bitters' desk and throws it at Zim, who screams.

Bitters, speaking: Thanks, Tak. That was horrible. Now take your seat!

Tak takes Rob's seat (behind Dib) and pats Dib on the shoulder.

Dib, speaking: Huh?

Tak, speaking: Is it just me, or is that Zim kid kinda weird?

Dib, speaking: Um... Well, you probably won't believe me, but that 'kid' is actually an alien!

Tak, speaking: Really? How interesting!

Dib, speaking: It all started when...

Blackout.


Scene II: Playground

In the background, Dib and Tak are sitting on the wall, chatting. Zim pacing around is on one side of the foreground, while Gretchen is sobbing on a bench on the other side. At the beginning, Tak and Dib are lit up, while the foreground is in darkness.

You Don't Say
Dib: From my extensive study
I've learned that Zim is from planet Irk!
Tak: You don't say!

Dib: Irk lives for conquest bloody
And to take Earth is Zim's line of work!
Tak: You don't say!

Dib: Though Zim doesn't seem very wise
Because of his quite flawed disguise,
He's still a threat, and he could rise
To steal the ultimate prize
Any day!
Tak: You don't say...

Dib: Zim and his robot flunky
Constantly engineer Earth's demise!
Tak: You don't say!

Dib: But he'll stay in a funk; see,
I'll counter any plan he'll devise!
Tak: You don't say!

Dib: Zim should be more concerned, because
Each little imperfection draws
My attention; I know his flaws
And I'll exploit them to applause!
Tak: You don't say!
Dib: By the way...

Though you may not believe me
His home is really a secret base!
Tak: You don't say!

Dib pulls out a map; Tak is clearly interested and is reaching for the map.

Dib: I really don't decieve; see
I've copied the layout just in case
There's a way...

To thwart Zim's conquering mission
Through my planning and my vision!
Though I'm faced with some derision,
Facing this task's my decision!
I won't stray!

Tak rolls her eyes.

Tak: You don't say...

Tak, speaking: Hey, can I look at that?

Dib, speaking: What?

Tak, speaking: I'll understand if you don't want to share it with me...

Dib, speaking: No, of course not! It's... it's just I'm not used to people being interested in my paranormal studies. You can take a look. On the back there's a list of potential security flaws, and...

Tak grabs the map. The lighting changes, so now the foreground is lit up.

Zim, speaking: I can't understand it! This... Tak is acting even more irrational than the other children.Why does she like causing such pain to Zim? I must know!

So, What Does This Tak Human Want With Me? (http://www.broadwaymidi.com/down/CrazyForYou-TheyCantTakeThatAwayFromMe.mid)
Zim: The way she threw her meat...
And wouldn't let me be...
The way she took her seat...
So, what does this Tak human want with me?

The way she looked my way...
And laughed maniac'ly...
The way she said I'd pay...
So, what does this Tak human want with me?

We had never, never, met before in that filthy skool classroom.
Still, she always, always, speaks about my doom...

The way she talked of strife...
And made a vengeful plea...
That she would wreck my life...
So, what does this Tak human want with me?
What does this Tak human want with me?

Love Hurts
Gretchen: Love hurts!
It's more painful than itchy shirts
Or not getting desserts
Or mildewy yogurts
Or secrets someone blurts!

Gretchen sobs loudly and pathetically.

Love hurts!

Zim, speaking: Huh?

He turns around and starts paying attention to Gretchen.

Gretchen: I can't stand the torture of my love!
I can't face the dire cruelty of... of...

Love's pain!
It messes with a poor girl's brain
And really is the bane
Of life; I can explain...
It's driving me insane!
Love's pain!

There is no better way to say "l'amour"...
Pain's the same as love, there's nothing more... for...

Cupid
Is as cruel as he is stupid!
He's a terrible kid
To play the games he did!
Happiness he'll forbid!
Cupid!

This pain, this torture, all is part
Of true love from a truer heart!
And once the seeds of love do start
They rip a poor person apart!

I guess I really should have known...
Are these simply my just desserts
For not remaining on my own?
It's cruel punishment, for love hurts!

Gretchen, sobbing, walks offstage. The focus is once again on Zim.

Zim, speaking: So, this love-thingy is pain-based? That can only mean one thing... Tak has fallen madly in love with me!

So, What Does This Tak Human Want With Me? (Reprise)
Zim: We had never, never, met before, yet she yearned to push and shove!
Still, I'll always, always, know it means true love!

How she'd make high-pitched screams...
And vowed I'd pay a fee...
And said she'd haunt my dreams...
Oh, now I know she's showing love for me!

The way she'd punch my face...
The way she'd laugh with glee...
At my pain and disgrace...
Oh, now I know she's showing love for me!

We had never, never, never met before, yet she yearned to push and shove!
Still, I'll always, always, know it means true love!

The way she said I'd fail...
The way she'd guarantee...
That I'd soon cry and wail...
Oh, now I know she's showing love for me!
Oh, I know she's showing love...
I know she's showing love...
Now I know she's showing love for me!

The whole stage is now lit up. Tak returns the map to Dib, who puts it away. Zim approaches the group.

Zim, speaking: Tak! I have come to accept your feelings for me, I congratulate you for acknowledging my superiority in choosing me as your love pig. Feel honored!

Dib, speaking: Okay...

Tak squirts Zim with barbecue sauce and cackles.

Tak, speaking: Maybe you really are an alien like Dib says. A horribly disguised, disgusting, horrible one.

Zim, speaking: Nonsense!

Zim hits Dib, who screams and falls offstage behind the wall.

Zim, speaking: Now prepare your brain, filthy beast of meat and hair, for your magical love adventure begins now!

Magical Love Adventure
Zim: I see you've been ensnared by my suave manners and my grace!
Now come with me, for we are destined for a fond embrace!
Prepare yourself, for everything is finally in place...

I'm gonna take you on a magical love adventure!
Sickeningly lovey-dovey stuff is my intent! You're
Gonna feel the joy of
Zim's amazing love!
On a magical love adventure!

You'll soon have presents
From your own special beau!
It's magic!

You'll feel a great sense
Of love when I bestow...

Tak takes a piece of meat from the garbage and throws it at Zim, who screams.

Tak, 'innocently': How tragic...

Tak: Give up, Zim! I don't know where in your bloody little mind
You came up with this foolish notion, but leave it behind!
Zim: Ha! You know that it's for the amazing Zim that you've pined!

So I'll take you on a magcial love journey-thing!
Your heart will skip a beat, and then my praises you will sing!
Soon, with my perfect charm,
Your heart I'll disarm!
Come and take the love I'm bearing!

Now come with me, Tak!
You'll see magic on our
Adventure!

Tak looks annoyed.

Hey, cut me some slack!
My love will take us far!
I am sure!

Tak takes the trash can and throws it over Zim's head.

Tak: You think I love you?
If that's what you assume,
Your mind's gone!

Listen Zim; we're through!
Now let me be, you bloom-.
-in' moron!

Tak goes offstage. Zim finally manages to get the trash can off of his head.

Zim, speaking: Whoo! She must really like me! Soon I will use Tak's painfully obvious feelings of love to further my mission!

Zim: I'm gonna take you on a magical love adventure!
I'll learn about human love, then, if it is my bent, you're
Gonna be destroyed by
My lasers and die!
After this little love adventure!

Blackout.


Scene III: Inside Zim's House

Gir is watching TV when Zim enters, looking charred and covered in cole slaw.

Gir, speaking: You're on fire!

Zim, speaking: Am I?

I Have Learned My Lesson
Zim: I've had enough
Of this love stuff!
Tak has outlived her use!

Love really stinks
And these hijinks
Are dumber than a moose!

I must now halt Tak's mad assault; her love I will refuse!

I can't stand what Tak's love has done to Zim,
So with love I'll not be messin'!
And I'll no longer follow a romantic whim,
Because I have learned my lesson!
Gir: Master has now learned his lesson!

Zim: I left Tak free
To attack me,
Though it was sometimes rough!

But the cole slaw
Was the last straw!
And Zim has had enough!

I'll put an end to Tak, my 'friend', and cease this romance stuff!

I can't handle being pelted with food,
So with love I'll not be messin'!
And I'll break up with Tak, although it might be rude,
Because I have learned my lesson!
Gir: Master has now learned his lesson!

Zim: She's done a lot
To wreck my plot!
Tak has caused me alarm!

And the child
Has caused wild
Beasts to do me much harm!

She'll rue the day I walk away; she'll miss my roguish charm!

I don't want to be chased by rabid squirrels,
So with love I'll not be messin'!
And I'll no longer pretend to love foolish girls,
Because I have learned my lesson!
Gir: Master has now learned his lesson!

He can't deal with a human girl.
She is way too tough for him!
So my brave master will soon unfurl
A plan to get her from Zim!

Zim must destroy the little girl threat!
Otherwise, he'll be helpless!
Tak has...

Zim, speaking: Quiet, Gir! The next time I see her, I will tell this Tak that things are over between us! The shock of being rejected by Zim will surely cause her such pain that she will explode! Yes!

The doorbell rings, and Gir peeks outside through the shades.

Gir, speaking: It's your girlfriend! Hurray!

Gir puts on his costume, and Zim answers the door. Tak and Mimi step forward.

Zim, speaking: Ah, Tak. I'm glad you stopped by, it gives me a chance to end our hideous relationship... and enjoy your shrill cry in having been rejected by Zim! Now cry! Cry like you've never cried... before.

Tak begins laughing maniacally. A cloud of smoke forms in front of Tak and Mimi; when it clears, they are now in their Irken forms.

Zim, speaking: Wha...? You're Irken?

You Ruined My Life
Tak: You're a bigger fool
Than I'd ever imagine!
Stand aside; I'll rule!
You will fail, and I'll win!

I will take the Earth;
So, please stop what you're doin'...
Watch me prove my worth
As your whole life I ruin!

Zim, speaking: Eh?

Tak, speaking: You're confused. Let me explain...

Tak: I was on planet Devastis,
The Irken training planet, as you know...
There was a test I couldn't miss,
And it took place there fifty years ago!

But something went wrong, do you know what?
Some mystery Irken left me in a rut!
Some foolish idiot stuck a knife
In my ambitions as he ruined my life!

For, as I was busy training,
This Irken simply had to get a snack!
Finally, without restraining,
The snack machine he began to attack!

And do you know what the result was?
I was unable to take the test because
This fierce attack trapped me and shorted
Out half the planet; my test was aborted!

Zim, speaking: So? Why are you telling me your life story, anyway?

Tak, speaking: Don't you get it?

Tak: You ruined my life!
You ruined my life!
I could have joined the elite,
But you ruined my life!

You ruined my life!
You filled it with strife!
My life became far from sweet
When you ruined my life!

I pleaded, but to no avail,
For seventy long years I'd have to wait!
'Til then I'd need a garbage pail,
For cleaning planet Dirt was now my fate!

But one thought consumed my angry mind.
I knew that I would stop at nothing to find
That one Irken; then I could savor
His sad cry once I had returned the favor!

Now, I will take what should be mine!
I'm ten times the invader you could be!
And, with my ingenious design,
I'll ensure that planet Earth will go to me!

Sit back and watch as I take the Earth!
I'll use this planet to fin'lly prove myself!
While you are left without any turf,
I'll please my Tallest with incredible stealth!

I'll ruin your life!
I'll ruin your life!
You'll regret your past action
When I ruin your life!

I'll ruin your life!
Say 'bye' to your life!
I'll laugh with satisfaction
As I ruin your life!

Tak, speaking: Now watch me, and see what a real invader can do!

Steps to Conquest
Tak: Step one!
This will be fun...
Before Earth's conquest has begun,
I will destroy your base
So you can do nothing
As I conquer this place!
Zim: Ha! I know you're bluffing!
Tak: Do you think that's the case?

Tak, speaking: Mimi! Begin to target all of the weak points in Zim's so-called base!

Mimi runs offstage to sabotage the base.

Zim, speaking: Ha! There's no way your pitiful robot could find any weaknesses before getting caught by secu...

Sparks fly out from the walls; Zim soon realizes that the base has been destroyed.

Zim, speaking: No! How?

Tak, speaking: A real invader knows how to outwit her enemy. Now, moving on...

Tak: Step two!
Before I'm through,
I will...

Zim: No, my base!
My beautiful, beautiful base!
We've been through a lot;
Through each brilliant plot
To take the human race!

Why, oh why,
Did my perfect base have to die?
I needed it so!
Oh, why must it go?
Must I now say good-bye?

Tak clears her throat.

Tak: Step two!
Before I'm thr...

Zim: Oh, pity!
My fortunes have fallen quickly!
Because, thanks to Tak,
I can't get Earth back!
Tak's stolen it from me!

What a day!
My mission was stolen away!
I'll have no more joy,
Since I can't destroy!
There's nothing left to say...

Tak: Step two!
Before...

Zim: I'm distraught!
I never will plunder or plot...

Tak, speaking: Forget it. Mimi, let's go!

Mimi comes back onstage. The two begin to walk out the front door.

Zim, speaking: But what about your scheme?

Tak, speaking: If you won't let me finish my verse, you're not hearing it! Goodbye, Zim.

Tak, followed by Mimi, goes offstage.

Gir, speaking: Whee! That was fun!

Zim, speaking: This is serious, Gir! She's going to destroy the Earth before me! And I can't do anything until the base has sufficiently repaired itself...

What Am I To Do? (http://diamond.boisestate.edu/gas/pirates/p09.mid and http://diamond.boisestate.edu/gas/pirates/p10.mid)
Zim: What am I to do?
Now I have no base!
Until it has been fixed,
I cannot give chase.

But I will soon be through
If I can't really fight.
Passivity's nixed...
So I must set things right!

Without a working lab
I cannot do a thing...
I need lab access
If vengeance I'll bring!

Now, it would be fab
If I could just borrow one!
I could then success-
-fully finish Tak's fun!

Gir: Yes, yes! Then Zim could finish Tak's fun!

Zim: My quandry is as follows, then:
This girl expects me to surren-
-der since I cannot use my base
In time to put Tak in her place.

I need the right technology
To defeat my new enemy!
But what on Earth's advanced enough
To counter Tak's own Irken stuff?

But what on Earth's advanced enough
To counter Tak's own Irken stuff?
But what on Earth's advanced enough
To counter Tak's own Irken stuff?
To counter Tak's own Irken stuff...

Gir: Did master think about asking the boy with the giant head?
'Cause he has a lab, I think, or maybe a kitchen instead...
If master would just ask Dib, then we could have neat science-y things...
Or, if Dib can't help with that, he might serve us some onion rings!
Yummy, yummy! We will get to eat onion rings!

Zim: Gir, that idea's just all wrong!
Dib and I cannot get along!
But what if it's the only way
To ensure that Tak goes away?

If I and my greatest rival
Could make a pact for survival,
We might just both be able to
Make sure that wannabe is through!

We might just both be able to
Make sure that wannabe is through!
We might just both be able to
Make sure that wannabe is through!
Make sure that wannabe is through...

Gir: He'll feed us tacos and chips, and then Dib will serve us some steak!
If we're lucky, we might even get to eat ice cream and cake!

Zim: There really are no options here!
If I do value my career
And truly do want to get rid
Of Tak, I must join with that kid!
If I truly want to get rid
Of Tak, I must join with that kid...

Zim and Gir: If we truly want to get rid
Of Tak, we must join with that kid...
That kid... that kid!

Zim: Wait here, Gir! I must talk to Dib, and quickly!

Zim runs out, and the curtain falls.


INTERMISSION
For tonight's performance, a sack of potatoes will be replacing Professor Membrane in the role of 'Professor Membrane', as the professor had other work to attend to. We apologize for the inconvenience.