All previous disclaimers apply

It Means

Chapter 4

By Cai


"Show me what it's for
Make me understand it

I've been crawling in the dark
looking for the answer
Is there something more
than what I've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark
looking for the answer..."

-Hoobastank, Crawling In The Dark

 ~~~


Days have passed.
The time has, by turns, dragged and flown.
Classes bore me...
Unless he's there...
And then I sink into day-dreams and miss entire lessons...
Then there is Quidditch...
We played Hufflepuff two days ago...
I kept looking for him in the stands...
I almost missed the Snitch...
I almost lost the game...
Angelina saw it first.
She was motioning frantically as their Seeker dove for it...
Only my faster broom saved us.
Just barely.
And we play Slytherin on Saturday...
I don't know how I'll make it through the game...
Seeing *him*...
On a broom...
Leaning over...
My dirty, dirty mind will take flight...
As it has now...
And I will be unable to do anything other than *drool*...
"*Mr.* Potter!"
I start.
"Uh...yes, Professor Flitwick?"
"I ask you again, what *is* the answer?"
"I...um...I...that is..."
I sigh.
I shake my head.
"Sorry, Professor. What was the question?"
He sighs and shakes *his* head now.
"Never mind, Mr. Potter. You haven't been paying attention all class period, anyway. You wouldn't know the answer..." Professor Flitwick's eyes glide over the rest of the class...
And land...
Exactly...
Where mine have been for the majority of the class period...
On one Draco Malfoy...
"*Mr.* Malfoy!"
He starts.
There are some rather poorly suppressed sniggers from *both* sides of the room...
I suppose it *is* comical...
"Yes, Professor?"
"I ask you, Sir, what is the answer?"
"I...well...you see, Professor..."
He glances in my direction...
"Um...what was the question?"
"Aha!"
The class jumps.
"You wouldn't know the answer, either, Mr. Malfoy! Now, will you and Mr.
Potter please stop *oggling* each other and pay attention to my class!?!"
Malicious little man!
Draco's eyes widen...
My mouth drops open...
"What are you---" I begin.
"Why you little---" Draco starts.
"Talking about?"
"Runt!!!"
We finish in unison...
Which, I suppose, could be a good thing, because *my* words drowned out Draco's...
Which probably saved him from several detentions...
We glare at one another for a few more moments before resolutely turning in opposite directions.
Hermione looks from Draco to me...
Then back again.
I can see her mind ticking away.
Little points.
Minute specks of information...
Only she could ever put them together...
But her eyes are glinting.
And I can see that she thinks she's found out what's going on...
I sigh.
I hope she's come to some *other* conclusion.
I don't feel like defending myself...
Defending my ideals and hopes...
Dreams...
I try to pay more attention.
But the class is almost over.
And there's nothing else to really *do*...
So I fall to glancing at Draco every now and then...
Again...
Right before the bell rings our eyes meet.
I can hear Professor Flitwick snort and then draw breath to say something...
But the class ends before he can.
I almost sigh in relief.
Gathering my books I trudge along behind Ron and Hermione.
Draco has left the room by the time I look away from my shoes.
"Harry!"
"Huh?"

"Weren't you listening?"
"To what?"
"To *us*!"
"Uh, no."
She sighs.
"Oh well. Listen now."
"Right."
"Are you listening?"
"Vaguely."
"*Harry*!"
"What???"
"Pay *real* attention!"
"Why?"
"Well...because..."

"Because, dufus, if you don't you'll never hear the plan we've come up with!"
Ron's exasperated interjection catches my interest.
"Plan?"
"Yes. Plan. Now listen to Herm."
"Fine."
She starts talking.
"Okay, we've decided something is wrong."
I nod.
Rarely is something *not* wrong.
"With you."
"Huh???"
"Yes. Something is wrong with you."
"You two, would you just---"
"Hear us out!"
"Gah!"
"I'll take that as a yes."
"So would I," Ron grins as we walk down the hall, "You won't get much else out of him.
"Harry," Hermione continues, motioning Ron to be quiet, "I've noticed some rather...interesting habits you've developed over the last
few...weeks..."
"You mean months, Herm. Months," Ron interrupts.
"What*ever* Ron. Let me finish! Anyway, I've noticed these things, *we've* noticed them," she corrects quickly as Ron scowls and opens his mouth. "And we've decided to help you out."
My eyes get rather wide.
They know and it doesn't bother them???
"You know?"
"Well, yes. It's rather hard not to..."
"And it doesn't bother you?"
Hermione scrunches up her nose and Ron makes an awful face at me.
"We're not saying we think it's the *best* match ever made, but if it's what you want..." Herm begins.
"We'll help set you up with Pansy," Ron finishes.
I gape at them.
I know I look like a fish.
My eyes have widened...
They are in danger of popping from my sockets.
The think I want to date *Pansy*???
"Um, guys..."
They're both smiling...
They're *beaming*, in fact...
I'm getting queasy...
Because I've realized that...
Pansy *always* sits near Draco.
And that my friends don't know I'm not interested in girls...
"Harry, are you alright? You've gone this strange kinda greenish yellow color..."
"Harry?"
"Oh...yeah...I'm fine..."
"No, you're not," Hermione says.
"You're not going to fall over, are you?" Ron asks.
Ever practical, Ron...
I almost can't keep the comment to myself...
"Uh...no..."
"Are you sure? Cause you're kind of...weaving..."
"I'm quite positive I am not going to fall over."
"Harry--" Hermione begins.
"Right, well...I think I'm going to...go...to the bathroom now..."
And I whirl around to head back to the bathroom on this corridor.
"Ron! Follow him! He did *not* look okay!"
Damn.
This is the only problem with having best friends of both sexes.
When the girl wants to follow and can't she sends the guy.
I try to hurry my pace without drawing any more attention than I already have...
I get past the door of the bathroom with enough time to run into a stall before Ron can get through after me.
I shut the door as quietly and quickly as possible and then stand on the toilet.
Only to have my back hitting something rather soft...
And pliable...
And my thighs are bumping the something soft as well...
The hairs at the nape of my neck stand on end...
I stiffen.
No.
It's not possible.
It's just not even possible.
There is no way...
I slowly turn around.
And there stands Draco Malfoy...
The cover of the ventilation shaft over this stall is in his hands...
His eyes are quite round...
And his mouth is falling open...
He shakes himself slightly and opens his mouth.
I know I'll regret it.
I can feel it in my bones...
But I put my hand over his mouth and shake my head.

Glancing over my shoulder I make sure the stall is locked.
Just then, I hear Ron bumbling in.
"Hey Harry, where are you?"
Draco raises an eye brow.
I shake my head again.
He rolls his eyes.
I shrug.
Then we hear Ron trying to open the stall.
I look desperately at Draco.
He narrows his eyes at me and just *glares*.
"Please," I mouth, hoping he will help me.
It's all his fault this is happening, anyway...
I can almost hear his teeth grinding before he opens his mouth.
In fact, I can feel them...
And I jerk my hand away before the fact that I am touching his mouth can fully register with my cock...
By this time, Ron has decided that I have taken up residence in the stall and has begun pulling at the door while speaking.
"Harry, come *on*! We are going to help you! You'll see. Pansy will like you. We know she will!"
I sincerely doubt this, seeing as Pansy has a particularly sweet spot for Ron's younger sister, but I *definitely* am not telling *him* that...
Draco had drawn breath to speak, but on hearing Pansy's name he'd frozen.
He's just staring at me now.
I motion toward the door, praying he isn't thinking what I think he's thinking...
Because that would just be horrible all the way around.
He makes this noise in the back of his throat, like he's going to choke...
"Harry! What are you doing? Come *out*! Damn it all, Hermione's going to kill me. Harry--"
"Weasley, your prattle is getting annoying. Please leave me to shit and piss in peace."
I can just imagine the look on Ron's face as he hears Draco's words...

And as he imagines that he's just let my biggest secret out to my worst enemy...
Oh, how little he knows...
"Uh..."
"Now, Weasley."
And we listen as his footsteps leave the bathroom and the door shuts behind him.
Realizing I am still standing on a toilet seat with Draco Malfoy, I start and jump down...
He's still holding the grating to the ventilation...
"What are you doing, Potter?"
"I was running away from Ron...and Hermione..."
"Why?"
"They decided they were going to try to set me up with Pansy..."
Damn.
Why did I just tell him that?
"And why, exactly, did they decide that?"

"Um...because...I've sort of been looking in her general direction a lot lately?"
Draco just looks at me.
"And...Hermione thought she had it all figured out...only she's *way* off base."
Oh shit.

Don't take that opening...
Don't...
Just don't.
It could be a *very* bad thing for me...
Please, please, please, don't take the *huge* opening I just gave you...
"So," he says, looking me up and down, "Where, exactly, is the *right* base?"
Oh fuck.
Fuck.
This is *not* good...
"Uh..."
"Yes?"
Damn.
Don't act so freaking encouraging, you dolt.
"Not Pansy."
"Well, yes. You've told me *that* already..."
Suddenly, something in his face changes...
And I realize we've actually been being civil to each other for more than five minutes...
And I think he's just realizing it himself...
Because his face kind of closes off...
But I don't want it to...
I don't want him to become cold again...
"I...don't...like...girls..."
I think I'm going to die.
I can't believe I just said that.
And the mask he was settling into place cracks.
"Girls like Pansy, or girls period?"
Oh no...
You're not supposed to ask *questions*!
"Girls in general..."
Oh *why* am I still talking???
What am I doing???
Draco's eyes narrow again...
And he purses his lips...
And I can't help but look at them...
I can't help but imagine...
And then he smiles...
Just a small twitching of his lips...
But he smiles...
And I can see he knows what I was thinking.
I blush scarlet.
I clutch my school bag more closely to my chest and say, "Well, then...now that we have thoroughly embarrassed me, I'll just be *going*..."
But he steps down from his perch on the toilet seat and, still holding the grating, backs me into the stall door...
Not that there's far to be backed, mind you...
Stalls aren't *that* large...
And, grating and book bag between us, he kisses me.
Lightly, at first...
Then he deepens it...
And his tongue brushes my lips...
And I can't think of anything...
I've lost all the blood that should be in my head...
It's gone rather farther *south*...
Just when things begin to get interesting, he pulls away...
Almost violently...
And his eyes are wide...
And he's looking at me in horror...
My intelligence, so completely lost moments ago, reasserts itself with a harshness that gives me a headache.
Shit.
This is *not* good.
It's alright to admire him from afar.
It's okay for me to fantasize.
It might even be mildly acceptable for me to stare at him during classes.
But kissing.
I can dream of it...
I can think about it...
Hell, I'm a seventeen year old boy, I'd be abnormal if I *didn't* think about kissing...
But it just complicates things beyond comprehension to actually follow through...
And I can see all these thoughts flickering across his face...
But...
He backs away from me...
I'm so flustered...
My mind is telling me one thing...
//This is wrong. Turn and run. Run fast and you might be able to catch up to Ron and Hermione...//
And my heart...my body...is telling me something else entirely...
//Stay...you want him...he wants you...it's been a while since you had any...come on, he'll be good, don't worry about the consequences...don't bother with the thinking...just do what feels right...//
And all I can think to say is, "What the hell are you doing taking the grating off the wall?"