"Dear Penthouse" by Scarlett Hauser

WARNING: THIS INSTALLMENT IS MORE EVIL AND MAY BE OFFENSIVE!



************************

September 25, 2002

Dear Penthouse,

I am the leader of a villainous Arms selling cabal. It would be cliché for me to mention that I have always believed the letters in your fine publication to be works of fiction, but lets just say that after my most recent encounter I no longer hold this belief. I recently bought my mistress, let's call her "Countess", a new Hermes riding crop for her birthday to add to her fine saddlery collection since she had broken her last crop - but, er, that is of no consequence to the story at hand. Little did I know that such fine equestrian gear were not limited to the use of horses. I shall elaborate.

Eager to expand my horizons and find a release for the pressures of being such a villainous leader, Countess insisted that I help her break in the new riding crop. She said, "This fucking crop isn't good enough for my horse! It must be broken in first so get on all fours, bitch!" Naturally I obliged. As she proceeded to slam the new crop on my flank, the painfully delightful sting made tears well up in my eyes. She said, "Aw, is Countess's little girl going to cry? Well we're not having it!" I said, "No Countess, we're not!" Countess made me apologize by licking her boot. After an eternity of magnificent torture Countess finally deemed that the crop was broken in enough to use on her horse and allowed me to be pleasured. Not before chaining me up of course.

So needless to say, this opportunity to "blow off steam" is exactly what the doctor, or should I say Countess, ordered if you know what I mean. Meanwhile as I tend to my flesh wounds I can go back to my everyday life of weapons development with a clearer head.

I swear I'm not making this story up!

"Dirty D"

address withheld

*******************

Dear Cosmo,

My darling but very powerful boyfriend was recently having troubles in the bedroom. He was under tremendous stress and was about to blow a gasket, which was affecting his ability to perform. Naturally, such poor performance is unacceptable to me so I decided to take matters into my own hands. Using my new riding crop, I took the position of power and made him my bitch. I was every bit the ruthless leader he was and then some, and he enjoyed experiencing what it was like to suffer at the receiving end of that wrath. Finally able to release himself from his high-pressure position, he was able to perform up to par in the bedroom again. The best part is that since I am the only one who knows where his "pressure valve" is, I own that man now!

"Countess"

**********************