Title: Reflections Author: Mel Rating: G Teaser: Nick and Nat's thoughts about each other Spoilers: Only the Lonely, minors for various Feedback: Feed me, feed me, I'm thirsty! Disclaimer: I don't own 'em, I just love 'em. I take them out of the toybox, play with 'em for a while, then return them unharmed for someone else. Nor do I make any claims on the song, "Now that I've found you" which belongs to Michael Bolton.

Notes: This is part of a pair of companion fics. They're a couple of short pieces from the POV of Nick and Natalie. Please be nice to me as I haven't seen all of the episodes yet. I'm aware of Nick's promise in Last Knight, (er..Last Night? Which is it?) but am setting this sometime early third season.

I can still remember

when all I had was time

A time when I had nothing

But this empty heart of mine When I needed inspiration When the night was all I knew You were the light shining into my life The reason for all the love I'm feeling -Now that I've found you, Michael Bolton

The relationship that Nat and I share is a very special and unique one. It might be called once-in-a-lifetime, but I think it's even rarer than that. I've been to a lot of places in my 800 years and known-and fallen in love with- quite a few mortal women, but none of them had the rare combination of qualities that Natalie does. Nor has any other mortal had such a deep impact on my life and my heart-or at least, what's left of it.

I've never fully understood what makes her different, but she's not like other mortals. Instead of fearing me, she seeks to understand who and what I am and to try and help this evil, 800-year-old supernatural being become human again. She's willing to like me, even love me, for who I am She doesn't see the blood-hungry monster, she sees the man trapped underneath it. She looks past my fearsome exterior to what's inside.

She shows no fear of me even in times like that 12-step program, when the beast inside me took over and I could easily have hurt or killed her. I know that at least some fear is there, which is natural, but she simply refuses to let it control her actions. She's not afraid to face the savage monster and try to reason with it, to bring it back to rational thinking before anyone gets hurt. I'm always amazed that she's willing to so completely trust someone like me who, if he wanted to, could take her very life, but she knows she has no reason to fear me.

Natalie's a very complex person. She's assertive and self-confident, never letting anyone push her around and always ready to defend her point of view. I'll never forget the look of defiance in her eyes when she stood up to me at the Raven that night I came so close to re-vamping myself, or when she refused to be pushed around by that district attorney and the dishonest regional M.E. when her niece was killed.

She has an insatiable curiosity, which is what compelled her to try and help me even though she wouldn't get anything out of it for herself. And despite all our failures, she's determined to keep going, to keep searching. Once she's decided to do something, she rarely backs down, and changing her mind can be nearly impossible at times.

She often doesn't make a big deal of being really feminine or ladylike, and isn't the type of woman who wants to be coddled and babied, but she does have a softer, more romantic side. She tends to keep it hidden most of the time, and I see it surface in small ways rather than big, obvious ones: The way I catch her looking at me once in a while, when I turn my head to look at her just in time to see her look away and act as though she weren't watching me, the small gifts, like that pillbox, that she sometimes gives me, the occasional touches and kisses we share, and the way she acts when were sitting at my loft, watching a movie or just enjoying the fireplace. She sits close, leaning her body against mine and lightly resting her face against mine or laying her head on my shoulder. We sit quietly, simply enjoying being together. It only lasts a few minutes, but to me it seems like hours.

I told LaCroix that I didn't love her, but deep inside, I know that's not true. I've never told her, and she's never asked, but I do love her and think that she senses it. I like to think that she feels the same way. Still, we can't act on it. I can't bear the thought of losing myself and taking her, or of LaCroix taking her to fulfill that promise. The easy answer would be to bring her across, but I will not deprive her of the life she loves so much and condemn her to a life of darkness because of some selfish desire to have her for myself.

I didn't realize how much I cared for her until she was almost taken from me by that Jamison creep. I had a feeling that something wasn't right about him, but didn't know what it was, much less how to tell her. Call it gut feeling, heightened vampire instincts, one of what Schenke calls may 'famous hunches'.I sensed something, but she wouldn't have believed me if I'd told her.

But that doesn't entirely explain my actions. I shouldn't have gotten jealous the way I did. I had no right to think I could make an exclusive claim to her affections, and I shouldn't have let it get me so angry. I tried to control myself, but seeing him kiss her like that made me snap. I felt terrible about it afterward, and tried to apologize, but only made her angrier. She blinded herself to my worrying about her, dismissing it as jealousy. I can't help wondering if what happened still would have taken place had I not made her so angry. He would still have probably attacked her eventually, but perhaps I could have stopped him sooner than I did.

I'm just glad I was able to get there as soon as I did. For once, being a vampire was a very fortunate thing. Had I not been able to fly and crash through that window unharmed, I would never have gotten to her in time. I wanted to let the animal inside of me loose and simply tear him apart, and it took everything I had to keep from doing it. I've never seen Nat so frightened and so shaken before. It made me realize just how fragile, how vulnerable, how mortal she was. The backups took a few minutes to arrive, and I held her the entire time, rocking her, talking to her, and doing everything I could to soothe and comfort her.

There have only been two other times that I've seen her so vulnerable and frightened. One was when her brother died and the other was when her niece was murdered. It still amazes me that she was able to find the strength to keep going through things like this that probably would have broken a lesser person. I did what I could to help her through, even if it was just being a caring, sympathetic listener. She's told me that she doesn't think she'd have come through those times as well as she did had I not been there. In the same way, I don't think I could have made it through the extremely rough time after Schenke's death in that plane crash. It was Nat who brought me back to my senses and made me realize what a mistake moving on would be.

I often wonder what our future holds. Nothing would make me happier than to find my mortality again and to make a life with her. I want more than anything to be able to love her and let her love me without fear. The thought is always there in my mind that if I don't become mortal, I will have to move on, but the thought of leaving her is one I don't want to entertain. I care for her too much to taint her with the evil that taints me, and to sentence her to eternal darkness by bringing her over. If it must be, I will content myself with spending as much time as possible with her and letting her go when the time comes. But I hope with all my heart that I will not have to let her go, that we will somehow find the way to bring light back into my world. Whatever happens, I will always be grateful for the light she herself has already brought into my life.

I could have searched forever

And never realized The treasure of a lifetime Was the love inside your eyes When I reach for inspiration In your touch, it's always there Giving me faith every step of the way Giving me all I've ever needed

Now that I've found you I don't know how I lived without you I don't know how I survived without your love Now that I've found you, I only know I'd be lost without you I found the love That I'll never find again 'Cause all I've ever needed And all I ever wanted Has come true I found it all now that I've found you



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