Disclaimer: I don't own Balduars Gate. I don't really own much. In fact,
I don't even own enough to use a collateral for a bank loan. The damn
bitch wouldn't even give me the lowest amount. Well screw her! I can get
my own credit! I don't need this bullshit! What are you looking at?!?
**Theater beneath the Five Flagons Inn. Backstage**
Dislexic: Taking a short break from the main story, Cult of Murder, the cast of Balduars Gate have less-then-unanimously decided to put on a talent show!
Kincaid: I can't believe I let you talk me into this. In fact, I didn't, did I? I didn't get a choice in the matter.
Keldorn: Ahh, but remember. All proceeds from this show go to rebuilding Athkatla and strengthening the amnish guard.
Kincaid: ... Are you waiting for me to give a damn?
Dislexic: *Sigh* this is what I get for giving my PC my own personality. Makes me glad I'm the author, and not a person trying to convince people to cooperate.
Kincaid: That really sucks where I'm standing from.
Dislexic: I know. Now remember, you're the 'ME' in Faerun, so don't disappoint me. I'm going to continue writing.
-Dislexic goes back to his papers, scribbling things-
Kincaid: Whatever.
Realis Shai enters and claps her hands to get everyone's attention.
Realis: Okay now, we have a good crowd tonight, I know not all of you are ready yet, due to some last minute changes...
-Haer'Dalis and Aerie are curiously far apart from each other. Aerie looks angry-
Realis: But we'll just get started with what we have. First up is a duet with Haer'Dalis and ... hmm... Aerie's been scratched off. It's been replaced by... Valygar.
Valygar: Here!
Realis: Alright. you two are up first, the rest of you, get ready.
-Jon Irenicus clears his throat and prepares to practice singing. Jaheira shuffles through some parchments, looking at song titles and the others soon follow suit. Kincaid rolls his eyes and walks into the back dressing room. Viconia looks up and smiles, handing the mage several pieces of parchment.-
Viconia: I've picked out a song for us to sing. What do you think?
Kincaid's eyes widen as he reads: Viconia... we can't sing this. There'll be children in the audience!
Viconia shrugs: So? Teach them the facts of life.
Kincaid: Sorry, but we can't. Realis would never let us.
-Viconia hands him another paper-
Viconia: Well then... how about this?
Kincaid gaps: By Mystra! This ones even worse!........ hmm... I like it.
******** Balduars Gate Talent Show! Act 1********
-Realis Shai enters-
Realis: Good evening, good folk of the audience. Tonight we are proud to present the Balduars Gate Talent show. First up is our very own Haer'Dalis with Valygar Corthalla in.... It Wasn't Me.
Music begins to play in the background.
(Yo man) Yo
(Open up man) What do you want man
(Aerie just caught me)
You let her catch you?
(I don't know how I let this happen)
With who?
(The girl next door, you know?) Man...
(I don't know what to do) Say it wasn't you
(Alright)
Hear'Dalis walks on to the middle of the stage and begins to sing:
Aerie came in and she caught me red-handed creeping with the girl next door.
Picture this we were both butt-naked, banging on the bedroom floor.
How could I forget that she could teleport straight to me?
She may have been invisible but my ass was out for all to see.
Valygar walks out on stage wearing a furr jacket, a hat and holding a cane. As he begins to sing, he throws the jacket off:
Know you can't bar the woman access to your villa
Here an' there she goes just like any magic-use'a
She knows that it's you just by your hair col'a
Unfortunately too, she knows you have no Broth'a
To be a true actor you must learn how to act.
Never speak a promise, boy, never say a pact.
Keep the truth hidden like a cat in a sack.
But if it doesn't work then you'd better change your tact.
Haer'Dalis: But she caught me on the counter
(It wasn't me)
Saw me banging on the sofa
(It wasn't me)
I even had her in on the futon.
(It wasn't me)
We even did it in the dungeon!
(It wasn't me)
She saw the marks on my shoulder
(It wasn't me)
Gonna kill if I know her!
(It wasn't me)
Think I'd better run further.
(It wasn't me)
Or she might turn me to a boulder!
Aerie came in and she caught me red-handed creeping with the girl next door
Picture this we were both butt-naked banging on the bedroom floor
How could I forget I wasn't in invisibility
If she starts with her spells I just might be another dead Tiefling.
Valygar: Don't cheat on a witch man, that is known by all.
Pissed she may be, bring a deva to her call,
Or smiling at you, but if you see a fireball,
Pick you legs up and start running down the hall.
Say 'twas an illusion and say it wasn't real
Say that it was Edwin an' you he's tryin ta kill.
Ask her if she was usin' her spell True Sight.
But if the answers 'yes' then you sparrow take your flight.
Hear'Dalis: But she caught me in the high room
(It wasn't me)
I know she's gonna spell out my doom
(It wasn't me)
I even had her in the druid park
(It wasn't me)
Not to mention in the Underdark!
(It wasn't me)
Now she's memorizing polymorph
(It wasn't me)
Think she'll turn me to a gibber-dwarf
(It wasn't me)
I don't think I'll get out of this, dude
(It wasn't me)
Now it looks like I am so screwed!
Aerie came in and she caught me red-handed creeping with the girl next door
Picture this we were both butt-naked banging on the bedroom floor
How could I forget that she was gonna come home early?
I'm a sparrow in a cage with her leaving me nowhere to flee.
Gonna tell her that I'm sorry for the pain that I've caused
I've been listenin' to your reasonin' but I'm hopelessly lost
Gonna brush my hair and wash my face and get my teeth flossed
The I'll show up with some flowers and pray all hopes not lost.
-Valygar and Haer'Dalis bow and leave as the audience give their applause. Realis Shai walks on stage.-
Realis: I hope you enjoyed that. Our next performers are getting ready and should be out soon.
Dislexic: By the next chapter, no doubt.
Realis:..... what he said.
**Theater beneath the Five Flagons Inn. Backstage**
Dislexic: Taking a short break from the main story, Cult of Murder, the cast of Balduars Gate have less-then-unanimously decided to put on a talent show!
Kincaid: I can't believe I let you talk me into this. In fact, I didn't, did I? I didn't get a choice in the matter.
Keldorn: Ahh, but remember. All proceeds from this show go to rebuilding Athkatla and strengthening the amnish guard.
Kincaid: ... Are you waiting for me to give a damn?
Dislexic: *Sigh* this is what I get for giving my PC my own personality. Makes me glad I'm the author, and not a person trying to convince people to cooperate.
Kincaid: That really sucks where I'm standing from.
Dislexic: I know. Now remember, you're the 'ME' in Faerun, so don't disappoint me. I'm going to continue writing.
-Dislexic goes back to his papers, scribbling things-
Kincaid: Whatever.
Realis Shai enters and claps her hands to get everyone's attention.
Realis: Okay now, we have a good crowd tonight, I know not all of you are ready yet, due to some last minute changes...
-Haer'Dalis and Aerie are curiously far apart from each other. Aerie looks angry-
Realis: But we'll just get started with what we have. First up is a duet with Haer'Dalis and ... hmm... Aerie's been scratched off. It's been replaced by... Valygar.
Valygar: Here!
Realis: Alright. you two are up first, the rest of you, get ready.
-Jon Irenicus clears his throat and prepares to practice singing. Jaheira shuffles through some parchments, looking at song titles and the others soon follow suit. Kincaid rolls his eyes and walks into the back dressing room. Viconia looks up and smiles, handing the mage several pieces of parchment.-
Viconia: I've picked out a song for us to sing. What do you think?
Kincaid's eyes widen as he reads: Viconia... we can't sing this. There'll be children in the audience!
Viconia shrugs: So? Teach them the facts of life.
Kincaid: Sorry, but we can't. Realis would never let us.
-Viconia hands him another paper-
Viconia: Well then... how about this?
Kincaid gaps: By Mystra! This ones even worse!........ hmm... I like it.
******** Balduars Gate Talent Show! Act 1********
-Realis Shai enters-
Realis: Good evening, good folk of the audience. Tonight we are proud to present the Balduars Gate Talent show. First up is our very own Haer'Dalis with Valygar Corthalla in.... It Wasn't Me.
Music begins to play in the background.
(Yo man) Yo
(Open up man) What do you want man
(Aerie just caught me)
You let her catch you?
(I don't know how I let this happen)
With who?
(The girl next door, you know?) Man...
(I don't know what to do) Say it wasn't you
(Alright)
Hear'Dalis walks on to the middle of the stage and begins to sing:
Aerie came in and she caught me red-handed creeping with the girl next door.
Picture this we were both butt-naked, banging on the bedroom floor.
How could I forget that she could teleport straight to me?
She may have been invisible but my ass was out for all to see.
Valygar walks out on stage wearing a furr jacket, a hat and holding a cane. As he begins to sing, he throws the jacket off:
Know you can't bar the woman access to your villa
Here an' there she goes just like any magic-use'a
She knows that it's you just by your hair col'a
Unfortunately too, she knows you have no Broth'a
To be a true actor you must learn how to act.
Never speak a promise, boy, never say a pact.
Keep the truth hidden like a cat in a sack.
But if it doesn't work then you'd better change your tact.
Haer'Dalis: But she caught me on the counter
(It wasn't me)
Saw me banging on the sofa
(It wasn't me)
I even had her in on the futon.
(It wasn't me)
We even did it in the dungeon!
(It wasn't me)
She saw the marks on my shoulder
(It wasn't me)
Gonna kill if I know her!
(It wasn't me)
Think I'd better run further.
(It wasn't me)
Or she might turn me to a boulder!
Aerie came in and she caught me red-handed creeping with the girl next door
Picture this we were both butt-naked banging on the bedroom floor
How could I forget I wasn't in invisibility
If she starts with her spells I just might be another dead Tiefling.
Valygar: Don't cheat on a witch man, that is known by all.
Pissed she may be, bring a deva to her call,
Or smiling at you, but if you see a fireball,
Pick you legs up and start running down the hall.
Say 'twas an illusion and say it wasn't real
Say that it was Edwin an' you he's tryin ta kill.
Ask her if she was usin' her spell True Sight.
But if the answers 'yes' then you sparrow take your flight.
Hear'Dalis: But she caught me in the high room
(It wasn't me)
I know she's gonna spell out my doom
(It wasn't me)
I even had her in the druid park
(It wasn't me)
Not to mention in the Underdark!
(It wasn't me)
Now she's memorizing polymorph
(It wasn't me)
Think she'll turn me to a gibber-dwarf
(It wasn't me)
I don't think I'll get out of this, dude
(It wasn't me)
Now it looks like I am so screwed!
Aerie came in and she caught me red-handed creeping with the girl next door
Picture this we were both butt-naked banging on the bedroom floor
How could I forget that she was gonna come home early?
I'm a sparrow in a cage with her leaving me nowhere to flee.
Gonna tell her that I'm sorry for the pain that I've caused
I've been listenin' to your reasonin' but I'm hopelessly lost
Gonna brush my hair and wash my face and get my teeth flossed
The I'll show up with some flowers and pray all hopes not lost.
-Valygar and Haer'Dalis bow and leave as the audience give their applause. Realis Shai walks on stage.-
Realis: I hope you enjoyed that. Our next performers are getting ready and should be out soon.
Dislexic: By the next chapter, no doubt.
Realis:..... what he said.
