I am writing to you to- well, Im not exactly sure why Im writing to you. I dont know if you got my last letter- I hope it got sent. I started it and then Ella distracted me, its the evening now and I have just sat back down to finish it off but I had other things on my mind- mainly you. I didnt think it was fair to go without saying a proper goodbye. You dont deserve to be told the way everyone else in the ER is told- we have far too many memories for that.

Elizabeth is going to bed now, she has just kissed me goodnight. Ella is in her arms, asleep, and Elizabeth is smiling at me from the bedroom door. She thinks Im continuing my letter to the ER. If only she knew... If only you knew...

The truth is I dont want her to be the one going into our bed right now- I want that to be you. I know its a dream and just a fairytale to be honest but I want it to be you non-the-less, Ive always wanted it to be you...

You saved me many a time... Through Jen you were there, through everything you seemed to be there- my rock as it were. We spent so much time together over the years... just not enough.

As I sit here now pondering my regrets you are top of the list. The one thing I never had- the one thing I always wanted. And every day I curse that damn train. That damn station, damn Phoenix. I loved you and I think- I hope- you loved me too. I realise I was too late. I realise you had to go. I just dont realise why you didnt come back.

Dont get me wrong- I love you still- more than ever. That night on my couch- when you looked after me, cared for me, held me... I wished we had spent the last five years doing that.

I missed the boat- Im sorry. Carol and Doug moved on, so did you, so did carter, so did kerry... I seem to be the only one left standing- not moving anywhere... I havent moved since you left me, Susan. Life stopped... I reached out for a replacement- I never found one... I searched desperately for another you. Another Susan Lewis- I never found one.

Me and Elizabeth were a wrongfit from the start- you cant force chemistry afterall. But I had to move on- I had to go SOMEWHERE. Even if it was down the wrong path. I mean Elizabeth made me happy- just not the kind of happy I was when I was with you. I love Ella, shes the best thing that ever happened to me- bar Rachael, and I love my wife. But it is a love that has grown slowly, we were never in love- it was a companionship, two people in the right place at the right time. Wanting the same things... well, you were what I really wanted... Everyone said we were so right- so perfectly matched. So right on paper- so wrong in reality.

And once again I am back at my inital question- why am I writing you this letter? When it is most definately too late. You will never see me again and I was too much of a coward to say goodbye, but I knew how I felt and from the look we exchanged I presume you did too. This letter is setting that in stone. Confirming those thoughts you might be hoping I had. Or not. This is turning out to be so formal- when really I want it to be informal- simply made of feeling and thoughts of happiness and love. I love you. I wanted to marry you- have your children- made you happy. But I missed the boat, or the train if you look at it that way...

Goodbye Susan. Rememeber all that we shared... all the time we spent together, all those happy times...

I love you

Mark X