A line of leggy, busty valley
girls with dyed hair and crammed into low-cut minidresses and heels stood
waiting in line, occasionally checking their makeup or fluffing their hair
in front of little handheld mirrors. At that moment, one Tabitha Smith
rounded the corner, dragging Rogue with her as she pushed and shoved her
way to the front of the line.
"Out of my way, sister...Yeah,
I mean you...Hey, cool dress, gotta tell me where'd ya get that later,
hon...C'mon, shoo, two hot mamas coming through..." she chattered, happily
ignoring the indignant cries from the bottled blonde bimbos as she blatantly
cut in line. She finally settled at three places from the front of the
line, and cracked her knuckles, letting out a satisfied sigh.
"Hah, dumb blondes! Oh,
no, wait, I'm a blonde, too! Oops," Tabitha chirped, speaking more
to herself considering how Rogue was busying herself nervously glancing
around at the competition and paying zero attention to the blonde who had
just called her own kind dumb.
"I don't know about this,
Tabby...all those other girls stand a way better chance of getting picked
for hosting a teenybopper crapfest than I do," Rogue murmured warily, absently
tucking a snowy-white strand of hair behind her ears. Tabitha stopped gloating
about how dumb those other blondes were, tapping her index finger against
her chin as she pondered over this dilemma.
"Hmm...you do have
a point there..." Her voice trailed off, before she suddenly seemed to
get an idea, and snapped her fingers. "I've got it--let's get out of here!"
And before Rogue could protest, the bubbly blonde had yanked her out of
the very line they'd just cut into, and toward the backstage area.
"Uh...Tabitha, the auditions
are being held in the opposite direction," Rogue pointed out grouchily.
Tabitha waved her hands back and forth, ignoring the gothic belle's protests
as she scanned around. Spotting a lone assistant producer in her early
twenties leaning in a corner and sipping lukewarm coffee from a white Styrofoam
cup, Tabitha snapped her fingers, zooming in on her unsuspecting victim.
"Ah hah! That's the one!"
Turning to Rogue, she spoke nonchalantly, "Here, go ahead and zap her,
and take her clothes." Had it been a Roadrunner cartoon, Rogue's
eyes would have bugged out of her head, with her jaw dropping literally
down to her knees.
"What?!" she exploded, half-shrieking
and half-hissing the single word as she whirled around to face the blonde
bombshell so fast, she nearly tripped and fell over her heeled black boots.
Tabitha, meanwhile, was ignoring the look of outrage on Rogue's face as
she chattered on breezily, "Well, it's easy, see: you want to eliminate
the competition, all you have to do is pose as the person in charge and
send them scramming, leaving you as the sole person auditioning to fill
Mary Sue's position!" Rogue hesitated.
"Well, the Institute could
really use the money this job will pull in; I mean, God knows Scott's not
making much as Der Wienerschnitzel, and--Hey, wait a minute! I'm one of
the X-Men! I can't be running around zapping people for fun!" she suddenly
screeched. Tabitha clucked her tongue impatiently.
"It's not for fun, hon--hey,
cool, I rhymed!" Tabitha paused to gloat, but at Rogue's impatient glare,
quickly cleared her throat and plowed on. "Anyway, you're not just running
around zapping people for fun--although I really don't see why not--you're
doing this for charity. Namely, the poor little X-Men, abandoned by their
supposed legal guardians and left penniless and nearly on the streets to
fend for themselves, while their supposed leader runs off to the mall from
five-to-nine everyday to dance around as a human cheeseburger, and--!"
"Listen, Tabitha, you may
have pulled me into some harebrained schemes before--namely, this whole
Mary Sue teenybopper crap--but there is no freakin' way you are going to
ever
convince me to zap a poor, innocent human being just so I could land a
job at some little TV station!" Rogue fumed.
Five minutes later, Tabitha dragged a woozy Rogue back to the room where the auditions were to be held, wearing the assistant producer's business suit and name tag and ignoring her gothic green-clad friend's mutterings about how no brainless teenyboppers looking for a place to make out better stumble across that janitor's closet.
"I still don't see how posing
as Assistant Producer No. 43 is going to help, Tabitha," Rogue hissed grumpily,
glancing around at all the bleached blonde teenyboppers crowding the audition
room.
"Hey, the name's--" Tabitha
paused to glance down at her name tag, "--the name's Crystallina now...Ew,
what kind of name is Crystallina?!" Her nose wrinkled in distaste,
before she quickly went on. "Anyway, you'll see. Just stay here, and let
me do all the dirty work, 'kay?!"
"But--" Before Rogue had
a chance to sputter out a protest, Tabitha/Crystallina had once again happily
shoved her way to the front of the line, before finally scaling a metal
folding chair and cupping her hands around her mouth to amplify her voice.
"All right, people, quiet!
C'mon, shut up already, I'm trying to convey very important information
here!" she hollered. After the teenybopper Mary Sue wannabes had finally
quieted down, Tabitha cleared her throat dramatically, before launching
into her improvised speech that she'd come up with while Rogue was busy
zapping the real Crystallina.
"Okay, on behalf of the
producers of Pop! Goes The Music Video, we would like to thank you
all for showing up to audition today; it is always nice to see what an
enthusiastic and devoted fanbase we have," she began authoritatively, sounding
surprisingly professional, even Rogue had to admit. "Now, unfortunately,
before the actual auditions will take place, I'm afraid we're going to
have to ask all of you a few questions. Nothing too hard, you won't burn
up a single one of those six brain cells in your little bottled blonde
heads...Oops, did I just say that last part out loud?" Fortunately for
Tabitha, the Mary Sue wannabes were busy screaming madly as though Justin
Timberlake's face had just popped up on Tabitha's head, and didn't seem
to understand that they'd just been insulted.
"Now, let's get these questions
underway. Just raise your hand if this applies to you, okay?" Tabitha paused
for effect, before continuing. "First question: How many of you can't read?"
Tabitha counted all the hands that had shot up, before nodding and saying,
"Mmm hmm...All right, you're dismissed. You see, we need someone who can
actually read the teleprompter. Ta ta, ladies, better luck next time!"
Harrumphing, she went on in all her assistant producer glory, "Okay, second
question: How many of you can name all four members of 98°? Wait, are
there even four members in that group...?" Taking notice of the majority
of the remaining hands that had gone up, Tabitha finally spoke, "Whoops,
sorry, can't take you gals either. Too obsessive and teenyboppery, even
for our tastes, if you actually know the names of all four of those
temperature fruits...All right, final question!" Tabitha's eyes narrowed,
as she noticed that there were still two more girls, in addition to Rogue,
who had remained. Great--two teenyboppers who can read, and who're
not overly obsessed with boy bands! I never thought I'd have to go this
far...Now what do I do? Tabitha frowned, biting down on her
lower lip. Well, she could always ask Rogue to just zap them...
Seeing a familiar face wandering
dazedly down the halls like he'd made a wrong turn while going to the local
bar--which he'd probably had--Tabitha felt a nasty little smirk beginning
to tug at her lips. She knew just what to do with at least one of the remaining
teenyboppers. Nah, actually, she was feeling evil enough to sic two of
those on him; he deserved it, especially for the way he'd acted when she'd
stumbled down into the breakfast room that one morning...She didn't look
that
hideous when she'd just gotten out of bed! Turning to the two remaining
Mary Sue wannabes, one a busty bottled blonde, the other an over lipsticked
fake redhead, Tabitha spoke, jerking her thumb toward her poor, unsuspecting
victim as she did so, "Hey, you see that man over there? Muscular built,
scruffy unshaved face, owlish blue-black hair, looks like he's always pissed
off at the world and wants to punch someone's face in? Yeah, that
guy in the black shirt and blue jeans...Well, he just happens to be in
charge of who gets to replace Miss Mary Sue as the new co-hostess of Pop!
Goes The Music Video, so I suggest you go over there and, ahem, acquaint
yourselves with him."
"Oh, okay," the teenyboppers
trilled cluelessly, before bouncing off after the "guy in charge of who
gets to replace Mary Sue", while Tabitha called out after them, "Don't
forget to show off your knowledge of pop music by singing "I'm A Slave
4 U" as much as possible!"
At that moment, a tall, toned,
and tanned young man in his early twenties appeared in the room, dressed
in an outfit so preppy that it would have made even Scott puke and with
his glossy jet-black hair carefully arranged so that one lock fell precisely
into his dark green eyes.
"Hi, my name is Reese Clayton,
and as you should know, I'm the hunky male co-host of Pop! Goes The
Music Video," he introduced himself. Rogue's auburn eyebrows nearly
flew off her forehead upon hearing his words. She must have misunderstood
him...Surely no guy would actually introduce himself as the "hunky" anything,
would he? But then again, seeing how he spent his days screaming and jumping
around like a little valley girl amidst a throng of teenyboppers...Rogue
decided to brush off her astonishment, and instead concentrated on forcing
a great big phony smile on her face.
"I'm, er, Rogue, and this
is my friend Tabitha." She turned around to motion to the slender blonde,
and a weird expression settled into her features upon seeing the ogly,
starry-eyed look her energetic friend was sporting. "Um, Tabby...?"
"So, I guess then that you're
the only one who bothered to show up to audition for Mary Sue's part. Darn
it, I had been hoping for more members of our Teenybopper Army to have
the dedication that you do," Reese sighed dramatically. Rogue scowled.
"Yeah, whatever, so tell
me again how much money will I be earning?" she wanted to know. Reese paused,
running a hand through his jet-black hair.
"Well, as my new co-hostess
by default, I guess you will be making--" he started to say, when Tabitha
seemed to snap herself out of her trance and abruptly spoke up for the
first time since Reese entered the room.
"Ah, but you see, she is
not the new co-hostess of the gorgeous Reese Clayton by default." Tabitha
then dropped the bomb. "For you see, I am the only other member of the
Teenybopper Army who had the dedication to Reese Clayton to show up and
audition to be his co-hostess." Rogue's olive-green eyes widened in shock.
"Tabitha! I can't believe
you!" she sputtered. Tabitha turned around, before saying airily, "Well,
you know the old saying, all's fair in love and war!" Rogue didn't know
whether to laugh into Tabitha's face or faint in shock...or shake some
sense into her blonde friend...or turn around and slap the living daylights
out of Reese Clayton, because...well, quite frankly because it had been
a long, teenypop-saturated day that had put her into a bitchy mode, and
his somehow capturing the heart of Tabitha wasn't exactly going to shorten
it, so she had to take out her anger on somebody! Reese, meanwhile,
was smirking proudly.
"Well, I can't say I'm surprised,
after all, the ladies love Reese Clayton, because he's Reese Clayton, the
super-hunky co-host of Pop! Goes The Music Video, not to mention
the fact that Reese Clayton also has an impeccable sense of style, as well
as the fact that Reese Clayton--" he started to babble. Rogue felt an incoming
headache.
"Grr--Reese, stop referring
to yourself in the third person, and Tabitha, if it's a war you want, then
a war you'll get, you double-crossing little bottled blonde teenybopper
from Barbie Hell!" she hissed, before furiously stalking out of the Pop!
Goes The Music Video studios to hatch an evil scheme.
Scott and Evan gave identical
stony glares, before replying in unison between clenched teeth, "NO!" Rogue
groaned, looking like she wanted to tear her hair out in frustration.
"Please? Listen, I really
need to win this beauty/talent contest that they're holding, it's the only
way I'll get the job, and Lord knows we desperately need the money!" she
begged. Scott seethed, "For the last time, Rogue, we are not about to beat
up two judges and take their places just to tip the vote in your favor!
It's unethical, it totally lacks integrity, it completely disregards the
X-Men code of honor, and besides--"
"Besides, I've got a date
with Graciela, the hot foreign exchange student who literally doesn't know
how to say no, on the same day this pageant is being staged," Evan chipped
in. Rogue's face contorted with desperation.
"But I just know
that Tabitha will somehow manage to sucker in her boys to help her cheat
to win, and you'll just be evening the odds. Listen, I really, really,
really
need this job; I mean, honestly, I'm the only one who stands a chance of
earning any money out of all of us: Scott, you're parading around singing
jingles dressed as a fat hamburger, Evan, the only job interview you and
Kurt ever managed to get was with a dysfunctional heavy metal band, and
you actually managed to lose that gig to the Brotherhood boys, and so far,
Jean and Kitty aren't exactly being paid for rehearsals, now are they?!"
Rogue argued. Seeing the two boys beginning to relent, the gothic belle
pressed on.
"Besides," she added with
a smirk, "you all don't want to be sucking on the thawed out meat-like
patties that Scott brings home from "work" for the next several months,
now do you? Believe it or not, this teenybopper crapfest can afford to
pay some pretty good money...enough to treat us all to a steak dinner."
"All right, all right!"
Evan was the first one to give in, ignoring the incredulous look that Scott
shot him. "We'll do it! So, where are the judges dressing rooms again?"
"I can't believe we're really
doing this," Scott grumbled, shifting uncomfortably in his seat behind
the judges' table. Settled comfortably on a folding chair beside him, Evan
grinned, before clapping the older boy on the back and saying nonchalantly,
"Aw, don't worry, man, it'll be a cinch! All we do is vote for Rogue, land
her this gig, and one week from today, we can all be feasting on steak
dinners! Sounds like a good plan to me." Scott let out a grudging sigh.
"Yes, but--" he started
to protest.
At that moment, Reese Clayton walked into the room, basking in the glow of being screamed at from the teenybopper audience as he chirped, "Hey, there, kids, Reese Clayton here, and with me are the two potential replacements for our dear departed Mary Sue--and I mean that literally, because Mary Sue has departed to play the secret fifth member of the Fantastic Four who just happens to be multi-billionaire Bruce Wayne's long-lost daughter and is also set to capture the heart of Spiderman who's just conveniently broken up with his girlfriend because she turned into a bitch for no reason at all--and anyways, here are her potential replacements, Rogue and Tabitha!" He waited while the teenyboppers screeched themselves hoarse, before going on, "Now, throughout the course of this pageant, our lovely contestants will face off in a beauty and talent competition, but first let us introduce the five judges who will be voting on who gets the honor of sitting in my lap as my new co-hostess for Pop! Goes The Music Video!" The cameras swung to the five judges, seated behind their table, as Reese began reading off from little 3x5 cards.
"Judge No. 1, why don't you
stand up so we can introduce you to our fans?" he chirped brightly, as
behind the table, Evan elbowed Scott and hissed out of the corner of his
mouth, "That's you!" Scott hastily got up, cringing slightly under the
assault of the screaming and wildly cheering teenyboppers, as Reese read
off his card, "All rightey, let's see: Ah hah! Judge Número Uno
is a former Playboy bunny and exotic dancer named Chantal Diamond, a.k.a.
the Diamond Doll!" Scott's mouth dropped wide open, while Reese glanced
over uncertainly at the rather masculine "Diamond Doll", before clearing
his throat awkwardly and harrumphing, "Eh heh...I see she's gone ahead
and had some, um, cosmetic surgery since her, um, Playboy days...Moving
on!" Looking slightly flushed as a horrified and humiliated Scott sunk
back into his seat and glared over at the guilty-looking Rogue, Reese hurriedly
read on as Evan/Judge No. 2 proudly got up from his seat. Tripping over
his words, Reese introduced Evan as, "Judge No. 2 hails all the way from
Tokyo, Japan, as the manager of that awesome girl group Watashi Ai Strawberry!
Please help me give a great big Pop! Goes The Music Video welcome
to Judge No. 2, Takao Yoshihiro Sakamoto Fukunaga!" All eyes turned to
gawk at the so very Japanese Evan, as his eyes bugged out in dismay and
he muttered uncertainly, "Um...sayonara?" before quickly snapping back
down into his seat. As Reese introduced the third judge without incident,
a former Miss Southern California named Gwen Stratigias, Scott hissed at
Evan, "Sayonara means good-bye in Japanese! You should have said konnichi-wa!"
Evan glared back at him, before grumbling sourly, "Oh, whatever!" Thankfully
for the two X-Men, the teenyboppers in the audience had failed to notice
their little scuffle, and were all watching intently as Reese introduced
the fourth judge.
"All right, on to our fourth
judge," he began, as a rather familiar lanky, unkempt, greasy-haired
teenage boy stood up awkwardly. Scott and Evan both snapped up in unison,
as they glared across from Gwen Stratigias and hollered, "Toad!", who simply
smirked. Reese ignored the outburst from, um, Diamond Doll and Takao Yoshihiro
Sakamoto Fukunaga, as he chattered happily, "Our fourth judge is the heir
apparent of the Americana Brand Porcelain Dolls...and proud organizer of
the Annual Bayville Gay And Lesbian Festival! Please welcome Chachi Dahl!"
The smug smirk disappeared from Todd's face, as his mouth dropped open
in horror and he let out an indignant yelp of, "What?! I'm gay?! Tabby,
you promised Wanda's watching my TV debut, yo! She can't think I'm gay!"
A second, even more dismayingly familiar boy, this one sporting an unmistakable
mane of platinum-colored hair, coolly reached up and seated the still sputtering
Todd back into his seat, muttering, "Cool it, Chachi," as Reese continued
to introduce the judges.
"All right, our fifth and
final judge is a, um, okay, let me get this right." Reese cleared his throat
as Pietro proudly stood up and posed for the screaming teenyboppers.
"Okay, here we go: Judge
No. 5, he be a homie from da hood, Lil' Dawg, yo!" Reese spoke in horrific
ebonics, as Pietro leaned back, stunned, before lamely coming up with the
excuse of, "Um, you see...I be black...but I also be Michael Jackson's
bleach specialist, ya dig? Eh heh."
"Oh, well that explains
why you look like a snotty, arrogant white boy with bleached hair," Reese
murmured, satisfied, while Pietro's eyebrows shot up and he sulked, insulted,
"For the last frickin' time, I have naturally silver hair! Us Maximoffs--um,
I mean, us Dawgs--do not bleach, because we are already perfect, and another
thing, Reed--"
"Um, that's Reese," the
youthful host broke in. Pietro brushed him off.
"Whatever, Weed, as I was
saying--" he resumed ranting, before Reese finally cut him off.
"As I was saying," he broke
in hastily, "now that the judges have been introduced, let's get this pageant
underway!"
*Okay, okay, so I know I'm not updating as frequently as I used to, but hey, one chapter per week is still pretty good, if you ask me! ^_^ Anyway, I had been hoping to cram the pageant into this chapter and just get the whole auditioning process over with so we could start with the actual Pop! show and introduce the teen idols next chapter, but since I couldn't do that without making this part go on forever, it now looks like Unlucky Chapter Thirteen (~_^) will feature the actual pageant, as well as probably Rogue getting that teenybopper makeover she mentioned during her cameo in Lance and Pietro's section.
