Harry's Revenge
Disclaimer: This is my rather embarrassing attempt to write a parody based on the books by J.K. Rowling.
Summary: This is a parody of the Harry Potter books. One night, I was extremely bored, and in the mood to write. The rest is history.
A/N: Here's the continuation of the saga that is 'Harry's Revenge.' I'm writing a quick prologue (I know it's horrible that I didn't think to write it before I posted most of the story) and it should hopefully be up by the end of the weekend. Also, thanks to crayon, Shinigami, memmas, DarkAngelChick, BeatleFan, AtieJen, and babyphatcat13 for leaving reviews! They really motivate me to keep writing *hint, hint*…
Harry's Revenge
Chapter 6
The next morning, Harry woke abruptly to find an annoyingly superior-looking Ginny hovering over him. "Why the hell are you in here?" he asked tersely.
"Just seeing if you were awake," she answered vaguely, taking a sidelong glance at Harry and smiling smugly.
Why is she so haughty? Harry asked himself as he slid out of his curtained bed to follow Ginny to the common room, which was still empty as few students were awake so early.
"So… Have you spoken with Professor Sanabubo lately?" she asked nonchalantly, as she sat with the arrogance of a queen in one of the moth-eaten scarlet armchairs. "Or, perhaps I should say Doctor Sanabubo?"
Harry's glare suddenly turned into an open-mouthed stare. "Huh?" Harry replied craftily. Yeah, that's it, he thought, I'll play it cool.
"Oh," she exclaimed, feigning shock, "Weren't you there? Or was it one of your other personalities?"
Blushing scarlet, Harry decided to give her a dose of her own medicine. "Oh yeah? Up yours!" With that, he ran with as much dignity he could muster through the portrait hole and down the corridor.
"What do you think you're doing?!" Harry heard. Upon wheeling around, he discovered the corridor to be empty. Damn it all. Someone had stolen his invisibility cloak again. "Freaking first years," he muttered, scowling.
A cackle of laughter led him to an odd theory. Harry kept thinking he was hearing someone talk, but it was really Ginny. A wave of fury rushed through Harry's veins as he clumsily smashed through the corridor trying to catch the invisible culprit.
Ten minutes and twelve demolished suits of armor later, Harry slumped, panting, to the floor. Why is she picking on me? It's not like I can steal Draco back since she's had her way with him. He glowered at the thought. Who knew what she had done to that sweet, innocent Draco? Oh well. Harry figured he'd better make the most of his situation (which was starting to suck pretty badly, he had to admit). Sure some of the school—okay, well, most of it—felt Harry was a few Gobstones short of a set, and Ron and Hermione had taken to avoiding Harry like the plague, but that didn't mean it should deter him from his mission in life. He would seek his revenge on Ginny. He slowly rose to his feet and picked up his quill (Janet the Second, but he was careful not to say it out loud. Well, not too loud, anyway).
"Janet the Second, I need your help—"Harry began.
"Wow, ya think?" Janet the Second replied snidely.
That voice… "Hey, wait, were you… talking… when I…" he trailed off.
Perhaps he imagined it, but Harry was almost sure he saw the quill roll her eyes. "When you were making a fool of yourself ten seconds ago? Wow, Einstein, you're a quick one, aren't you?"
Pouting, Harry replied, "You're not like Janet. She was able to cope with my incompitance."
"You spelled incompetence wrong," she corrected.
"Wait… spelled? I was just talking—"
"—And about this freaky 'Janet the Second' thing… I'm Big Q. Got it?"
"Okay," Harry answered submissively. "I have to talk to Master. Can you connect me… please?"
"Enough with this prissy 'please' crap," she said obnoxiously, "I don't care how gay you are, you're going to be macho around me if I have to beat it out of you."
"Okay," Harry said, strangely befuddled as he tried to figure out how a quill was going to beat machoness into him.
"You're hopeless," Big Q said.
Eyes burning, Harry answered, "I am not! I'm just scared and cold and kind of nauseous…" With that, he dropped Big Q, and ran, crying, to the common room, where he found Ginny, still frozen in her arrogant-queen-like pose. She smiled at Harry serenely.
"Well, hello, Harry—you are still Harry, right? I didn't expect to see you back here until after you'd had a good long cry."
Harry sniffed as he wiped tears away with the back of his hand. "Don—don—don't look s—s—so self-satisfied. Thi—thi—this wasn't your doing…" he began mumbling and muttering to himself. Ginny caught only few words such as: 'Big Q,' 'Master,' and 'Coconut Cream Pie.'
Ginny suddenly contemplated her safety being in the same room with Harry, and changed her position in the chair to face Harry completely. What she saw made her question her plans of repeating to most of the school that he was a complete nutcase. Harry looked like a cross between a whipped dog and a child who just had his lollipop stolen from his hands and smashed to bits before his eyes.
"Eh, screw it," she muttered, deciding that Harry was still a loser, and needed to be punished. "So," she continued silkily, "Do you want to be present in the common room whilst I unleash the information I've carried gleefully in my mind since yesterday, or would you prefer to slip out of Hogwarts unnoticed?"
He let out a dry laugh. "I don't care about you, Miss Ginny Weasley, or your so-called information. What could you possibly have on me that the school doesn't already suspect?"
Ginny's hand, which had been moving to stroke her chin fiendishly, froze midair, and a disbelieving expression contorted her face. "Wait… But I just told—you ran out of here!" Comprehension dawned on her face. "You really are completely nuts!" she declared merrily.
Harry's shoulders slumped. "Oh. That information… which is completely false!" he added hastily.
She laughed nefariously, "Whatever, Potter. Hey, do you hear footsteps?"
Harry froze for a moment before making his decisions. Despite the fact that Harry hadn't played Quidditch since his third year (and, quite frankly, he had gained a significant amount of weight), he remained relatively agile and quick. As fast as lightning (or darn-near close to it), Harry had tackled Ginny. Sitting on top of her, and thus rendering her helpless, Harry performed a handy little spell.
"Petrificus Totalus!" Which was a spell that put the victim in a full body bind. Of course, when Hermione had used the spell on Neville years ago, she had apologized. Harry, however, felt strangely invigorated.
Scrambling to place Ginny in a somewhat-normal position, Harry lay Ginny on the couch, grabbed a book, and leapt across the room to sit, pretending to read, in a corner near the fireplace. It just so happened to be Neville who crossed the threshold into the common room.
"Er—hi, Harry," he said, nervously locating all the exits in the room.
"Stupid git," Harry muttered below his breath. "Hi, Neville!" he said cheerfully. "Why are you up so early," he said, struggling to keep the psychotic edge from his voice.
"I… I heard—noises. I just wanted to check—" He stopped abruptly as his eyes fell on Ginny's rigid body.
"Shit," Harry whispered as he realized that, although Ginny had slid halfway off the couch, her body had remained parallel to the floor. Really, it looked pretty awkward. "Oh yeah…" Harry said scrambling to explain the situation, "She was—ah—practicing spells… on herself… and I didn't know the counter curse…"
Neville, however, was having none of it. He had, of course, fancied Ginny from afar since his fourth year when he spent an entire evening tramping on her toes.
"Damn it, Harry!" the usually placid Neville exclaimed, "How could you do this to—"
"PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!" Harry bellowed.
Neville fell stiffly to the floor with a satisfying thud. Quickly searching for a place to stash Ginny and Neville until he had had a chance to speak with his Master, Harry located a large, empty cabinet (how convenient, he thought). After he had locked the twosome in the cabinet, Harry felt like he needed a break.
As soon as he sat in one of the crimson chairs, however, Harry leapt to his feet, exclaimed, "Big Q!" and rushed through the portrait hole to retrieve his temporarily forgotten quill.
Having encountered three teachers, six students, and Peeves, Harry was beginning to wonder how many people he would have to cast petrificus totalus on before he'd find Big Q. Though the dull thumps had initially given him a rush, Harry was beginning to become irritated with having to find closets to stash the immobilized bodies. Also, the stinking spell didn't work on ghosts or poltergeists, but Harry assumed the mad glint in his eye would ward off any of the ghosts that dared cross him—he'd sent Peeves flying away in a hurry, at least.
"Finally!" he said, breathing a sigh of relief as he gingerly picked up the annoyed quill.
"It's about time," Big Q cried shrilly. "I bet you wanted to make me catch my death on this stone floor!"
"Yeah, well. It wouldn't have been a tragedy," Harry replied sarcastically.
"Ooh. I like this new side of you, Harry. I'll connect you to your Master right away."
"It's about freaking time, too."
Within moments, Big Q's rather husky (dare I say, manly) voice was replaced by a rather high-pitched man's voice.
"I was wondering when you'd need advice," the man said pompously.
"Get over yourself, okay?" Harry said, rolling his eyes. "Like I need you to talk me down," Harry said, laughing nervously. "But seriously, I need your counsel—"
The man laughed bitterly "It was only a matter of time. I don't know why I've never killed you when I've had the chance."
"Hey," Harry said defensively, "You have tried to kill me… numerous times, actually. And I've always escaped unscathed."
"It was pure luck," the man said dismissively. "How was I to know that your mother would die to save you? That Dumbledore's phoenix would heal your wounds and bring you Goderic Gryffindor's sword? How was I to know that our wands both have tail feathers from the same phoenix?"
"Fawkes," Harry added instinctively. "Master, we really have more important things on hand. I just cast Petrificus Totalus on about a dozen people, and stashed their bodies in various closets, Dumbledore has hired a psychiatrist to be one of my teachers, my worst enemy knows I'm a total nutcase, and, worst of all, Big Q just isn't the same as Janet," he finished pouting.
"What are you? An eleven-year-old girl?" the man asked maliciously. "Why would I want to listen to your pathetic problems when we've got more important things on hand? You're going to follow through with your end of the bargain, or you'll pay. Oh yes, you'll most certainly pay."
"But how can I do it? She wasn't supposed to get any dirt on me before I kidnapped her. I can't very well move the cow when she's as stiff as a board, but if I wake her up, she have made up a song about "The Batty Harry Potter" within three minutes. Besides, I don't think she'd very well follow me anywhere, especially not to you."
"It's painfully obvious," the man proclaimed. "You have to—"
"Shh!" Harry silenced the man. "I heard something!" He whispered frantically. His body then stiffened as he saw who had emerged from the shadows.
