Harry's Revenge

Disclaimer:  This is my rather embarrassing attempt to write a parody based on the books by J.K. Rowling.

Summary:  This is a parody of the Harry Potter books.  One night, I was extremely bored, and in the mood to write.  The rest is history.

A/N:  Here's the conclusion of the saga that is 'Harry's Revenge.'  Thanks to crayon, Shinigami, memmas, DarkAngelChick, BeatleFan, AtieJen, babyphatcat13, memealex28, Hermione Malfoy, sk8ter boi, memmas, and duchibum for leaving reviews!

Chapter 8

Harry walked through the library in a self-satisfied sort of a daze.  He then remembered that his mission that evening was not to declare his love for his fair-haired beauty, but to fix the problem whose name happened to be Virginia Weasley.

"Damn that Ginny," Harry said, remembering her attempt to restrain Harry when he had performed the counter spell to petrificus totalus.  "How dare she steal my man?"

With a look of resolution upon his face, Harry again set out to find Draco:  the vital element in his overly extravagant method of extracting revenge on Ginny.  Luckily, Harry found Draco a mere ten minutes before beginning his search.

"Draco!"  Harry called to the blonde walking briskly in front of him.

Draco stopped, and turned slowly to face Harry, who was amused to see that he was blushing a deep fuchsia.  "Still remembering the library incident?" Harry asked coyly, with a half smile upon his face.

"I honestly didn't think you had it in you, Potter—er—Harry," Draco answered, blushing even more.  "So, what did you want, anyway?" despite the harshness of his words, Harry was pleased to hear Draco's voice soften as he spoke to Harry.

"It's about Ginny.  I…  Well, I have some unfinished business to discuss with her.  Unfortunately, she won't come within twenty feet of me; that's where you come in…" he trailed off as he looked expectantly at Draco.

Draco, who had been thoughtfully picking at the skin around his fingernails suddenly looked at Harry with his eyebrows raised.  "Huh?" he asked, rather stupidly.

Harry rolled his eyes, but quickly forgave Draco when he looked into those steely-gray eyes.  He gingerly held Draco's face in his hands, but forced Draco to look at him.  "Draco, I need your help.  I must seek revenge on Ginny!"

Nodding resolutely, Draco agreed.  "What must I do?"

"Well, first you'd better understand what I have to do…" Harry proceeded to tell Draco about his beloved quill, Janet, how he had wreaked havoc in the halls of Hogwarts by use of the Petrificus Totalus spell, and exactly what he planned to do with Ginny.  "You see, after that wench destroyed my Janet – who could never replace you – I just couldn't cope with her," Harry rambled.  "So I discussed the matter with my master –"

"Your master?" Draco inquired as he followed Harry out the exterior doors of Hogwarts castle onto the lawn.

Harry paused, obviously contemplating whether he wanted to disclose such information, before answering; "Well… you might know him better as Lord Voldemort."

At that proclamation, Draco stopped dead, and gaped at Harry.  "Lord Voldemort?!"

"Yeah.  You see, all these years we thought he wanted to kill me, but, actually, it's just the opposite," Harry stated simply.  "He was just misunderstood – never wanted me dead.  He just wanted me as a minion to do his evil deeds."

"Oh," Draco said, accepting the statement.

"I agreed because he forced me to call him Master.  I love that manly forcefulness."

"You can call me 'Master' whenever you want," Draco replied, placing his hand firmly on Harry's buttocks.

Harry smiled bashfully, but continued, though slightly frazzled, "Er – anyway, he does want Ginny.  He said something about unfinished business.  I don't know all the details, though.  This is sort of where you come in."  The duo sat beneath a leafless tree near the lake before Harry continued.  "You see, I sort of – er – lost Ginny's trust when I… well, after a couple of incidents…  But she trusts you – she doesn't know about our recent meetings yet."

Draco sat in silence for a moment as he thought about Ginny and the fine-looking young man sitting to his left.  Without warning, Harry's fingers gently entwined themselves with Draco's.  That sealed Draco's fate.  "I'll do it," he said.  "Now, tell me how I'm going to go about this…"

*~*~*

Beneath Harry's invisibility cloak, and confined to the canopied bed in the Gryffindor Girls' dormitory, Ginny laid, her glazed eyes wide-open.

Upon hearing footsteps approach her bed, Ginny dismissed it as the pattering of her fellow fifth-years, who had been in and out of the room throughout the day trying to find Ginny.  However, when she felt a frigid hand grasp her shoulder, her skin prickled in alert and fear.

"Ginny?" came the soothing drawl of Draco's voice, as he pulled off the cloak to reveal her fiery hair, and pallid face.

Ginny's mouth worked soundlessly as she tried to explain everything to Draco, until he pulled out his wand, and muttered something below his breath.  In the blink of the eye, Ginny's voice could be heard, "…Petrificus Totalus on twelve people!  Then he left me up here with the wretched quill—"

"Shh…" Draco consoled as he embraced Ginny—and reached for the broken remains of Janet from beneath her pillow.  "You have to come with me," he continued.

"What?" she asked, pulling away a bit.

Drat.  Draco thought to himself, then added hastily, "I know where that Potter is."  He spoke the sentence with feigned malice as he remembered Harry's supple, rosy cheeks…  His face is pretty nice too, he thought quickly to himself, blushing as he tried to amend his impure thought.

"Um…  Okay," Ginny agreed, as she stood shakily on the stone floor.  She grasped Draco's hand, which, fighting the urge to pull it away, Draco just left dangling by his side lifelessly.  "Draco?  Are you okay?" she ventured warily.

Remembering his mission, Draco gave Ginny's hand a, forced, squeeze; Ginny, however, seemed content.  She hummed as she swung their clasped hands and walked through the seemingly empty common room and out into the corridor.

Suddenly, she stopped.  Draco stiffened and asked, "What's the matter?"

"How?"

"Pardon?"  Draco asked quizzically.

"You know right where I was.  How?" she demanded.

"Er…  A little bird told me?" Draco tried to joke.  Ginny, however, was having none of it.

"Did that little arse, Potter, tell you where I was?" she asked angrily.

Trying to think as quickly as he could, Draco answered, "Uh… yeah."  Then he had a stroke of brilliance; "Potty actually believed I still liked him.  I got him to tell me everything!  Between us, I'd say we have enough info to get him expelled."

Ginny's face brightened considerably.  "Great!  Let's go tell Dumbledore right now—" she began.

"Erm—no.  We have to tell Potter what we have on him… just to crush his feelings."

"Ah!  Great," she said, kissing a repulsed Draco on the cheek.

*~*~*

"Where are we going?"  Ginny asked, eyeing the dripping passageway the duo happened to be treading skeptically.

"Harry's—er—Potter's lair.  Did you know he's been talking to his quill for months because he believed that he was talking to Lord Voldemort?"  He laughed heartily.

"You-Know-Who isn't here, is he?" Ginny asked, panic gripping her voice.

Draco's heart rate spiked as he realized the foolishness of his statement.  He stayed silent for a moment; the only sound disrupting the silence being the dripping of water.  Then, he emitted a bit of nervous laughter, and said, "No!  Of course not… that's ridiculous.  Potter is just delirious, and a psycho."  A shiver ran up his spine, and Draco had the distinct feeling he was being watched.  He looked around himself, and upon seeing no one, shrugged slightly, and gave Ginny a gallant smile.  "C'mon.  Let's go…"

*~*~*

After what seemed like hours of trudging though what became an increasingly dank and subfusc* passageway, Draco and Ginny finally saw a pulsing glow at the end of the tunnel.

"Ah!  We're nearly there," Draco said, unable to mask his joy of being able to see his beloved again.

"Hm… what are you so excited about?" Ginny asked dully.  "Who knows what we'll find that idiot doing when we get to the end of the corridor?"

"I—I just can't wait to see his feelings crushed," Draco lied.

Moments later, Draco and Ginny stood alone in a vast cavern.

"Where the hell did this come from?"  Ginny asked.  "Hogwarts isn't built over a cave…  And we're not even underground!"

Draco had to admit, it was, indeed curious.  However, he refrained from answering, and began to peer around the room for any signs of Draco and/or Lord Voldemort.

Finally, with a 'poof,' and an extravagant amount of green smoke, Harry appeared from thin air, "Thanks, Master," he said quietly, so only Draco and Voldemort could hear.  He then shot Draco a look of loathing that took Draco's breath away.

The occupants in the cavern were silent a moment before Harry strode quickly forward to stand face-to-face with Draco.  "The trouble with being a Benedict Arnold is that you're never trusted," Harry spat.

Draco blinked a few times before saying, "Huh?"

Harry sighed exasperatedly and began to answer, "Benedict Arnold was an American—"

"We're British!" Draco exclaimed.  "How in the world am I supposed to understand obscure allusions to dead Americans?"

Looking incredulously at Harry, and then Draco, Ginny said, "I think I know what's going on…"

Rolling his eyes, Harry said, "Oh, sure, the brat's studied her history."

She cast a vicious glare in Harry's direction, but, for Draco's benefit, said, "Benedict Arnold was an American traitor who spied for the British during the Revolutionary War—"

"Whoop-de-do.  So some dead guy spied committed treason.  What does that matter to me?"  Draco cut in.

"You're dense," Harry said, for lack of better insult.

Meanwhile, Ginny continued, "—he was caught and hung!"

"Oh," Draco said stupidly, comprehension dawning on him.

"Yeah!" Harry said.  "I heard what you said about me in the common room and the passageway to this cavern."

Draco feigned a confused look, and asked innocently,  "What did I say?"

"Well, for one, you called me a psycho!"

"The truth hurts, buddy," Ginny muttered so no one could hear her.

"Yeah, okay, I did say that…  But I have two things to say to you.  First, how did you year that?"

"I'm a freaking Parseltongue!" Harry exclaimed.  "I didn't trust you, and it was just my luck that my Master's pet snake, Nagini, can understand English.  She agreed to follow you, and repeated everything you said.  And believe me, my Master was none to happy to know that such things are being said about me around the school.  He chose me for this mission because he thought I'd attract the least amount of attention."

"That's all fine and dandy, but I have one other thing to say," Draco continued.  "I was trying to lure Ginny to you—how else did you expect me to do it?  Did you want me to waltz up to her and say, 'Hey, Ginny, Harry's waiting down in some creepy-ass cave, and wants to sacrifice you to Lord Voldemort to do who-knows-what to your body'?  Oh yeah, that would have been wonderful."

Sullenly, Harry said, "You could have said 'Tom Riddle' rather than Lord Voldemort…"

Without warning, the relative silence of the cavern was shattered as none other than Lord Voldemort descended from the ceiling with a sharp bang.

Harry rolled his eyes, and said in a disenchanted voice, "Master, I told you—that doesn't look realistic when we can all see the rope you're hanging on!"

"Shut up, boy!  I've come to collect my dues," he said, cackling with malicious laughter.

"Wait a second…" Ginny said to herself.  "That voice!  That's the voice that was talking to me when I was under the invisibility cloak!"

"Right you are, m'dear," Voldemort said, hanging twelve feet short of the ground—his rope hadn't been quite as long as he thought it was.

"My, are you a dirty-talker," Ginny said, blushing.

Voldemort lifted a brow seductively, and said, "You know you liked it."

In return, Ginny suppressed a giddy giggle, and said to the red-eyed man defiantly, "It made me sick."

Lord Voldemort cackled evilly, and said, "You're dismissed, Harry.  Your services are no longer needed."

Harry, Draco, and Ginny turned to exit the cave when the Voldemort's cold voice was heard saying, "Ah, ah, ah, Ginny!  I don't believe we've had enough time to discuss a few unsettled matters…"  He curled a finger, and some unseen force pulled Ginny to her captor, screaming.

Turning their backs once again on Lord Voldemort and, this time, Ginny, Harry and Draco once again made their way down the foreboding corridor, hearing Ginny's shrill screams soften with every step.

After several moments of traveling in silence, Draco, unable to contain himself, said, "I didn't mean those things, Harry!"

Harry merely glared stonily at Draco.

"I'm serious, Harry.  Before, I never knew how devious you were…  I love you!"

Harry whirled around, and continued walking down the corridor, and Draco's hopes for reconcilement dropped.  Suddenly, however, Harry turned to face Draco, a smile quirking his lips.  I knew you'd come around!"

With that, the two succumbed to the animal passion coursing through their veins…

*~*~*

Meanwhile, a similar scenario was unfolding in the cavern.

"Ginny, I know you can't forget what I did to you four years ago, but I hope you can forgive me," Lord Voldemort beseeched.

"I can never forgive you!" she spat.

"Listen, I can't be held accountable for what the remnants of my teenage-self did to you!  It wasn't my fault the poor boy had been without a woman for fifty years…"

"That is NO excuse for seducing me!  I was only twelve!"

"Yes," he said as he gently kissed her lips, "You were only twelve, but you looked much, much older…"

Against her will, Ginny felt her knees go weak, however, she held out resolutely.  "I can't forgive you.  You shouldn't have left me…"

Silently, Voldemort wrapped his arms around Ginny.

"My…" she said.  "For such a skinny man, you sure are strong…"

She then surrendered herself to the man she had loved since the age of twelve…

FINIS