PMS
(plus: A free-form ode with an inappropriate epode at the end, dedicated to my beta reader.)
Lesson 3: The Hogwarts Honor Code[1]
Remus Lupin looked at Draco Malfoy as he walked down the hall.
"Kameron told me what you were doing while I left him in the hallway."
"What?"
"Kameron said that you tossed him about, then tried to feed him to your owl, and I can't continue"
"I didn't."
"Kameron was dumbstruck with fear. He was almost afraid to tell me."
"I only picked him up, sir."
"And tried to dunk him in the moat and threatened to let a dragon burn him and…"
"I never even… He's lying. He's a lying little weirdo." Draco pointed at the teddy.
Hermione nodded "That never happened. He just tossed Kameron in the air and made fun of you, Professor Lupin, saying "Look at me, I'm a big ponce…'"
"You don't need to tell him that, Granger." Draco said.
"But he wants to know the truth. Do you want to see the little dance he did?"
"No, I can imagine it." Lupin closed his eyes. "10 points from Slytherin. I suggest you make fun of teachers in front of people who won't tattle on you."
"Well, lousy…."
"Draco, I am a patient man. I have gotten far worse then a verbal lashing by a Malfoy, if you can consider your little pathetic joke insulting. But if what you are saying is not true, I will not tolerate your rudeness to Kameron."
"It is. Lousy teddy bear, getting me in trouble." The Syltherin shook his fist. "You'll pay for this, Kameron."
Parvati squinted her eyes "It's Draco and Hermione's word against a teddy bear's?"
Harry shook his head, clutching it, feeling a great headache, which had nothing to do with his famous scar.
"Oh, Kameron, did you lie to me?" Lupin picked up the bear and waged his finger at it. "I should …" He counted to ten, "You and Draco will have to sit in my room for detention after school. I'm not taking you to zoo if you insist on lying."
Snape looked out from his classroom and wondered why all his students were still outside, until he saw Lupin and the teddy.
"Lupin, must you try deliberately to be as loud as possible? My 2nd years are working on Swelling Potions."
"Draco was messing about with Kameron, that's Professor Lupin's Teddy. And now the teddy is lying and saying that he tried to throw him in the moat and burn him with a dragon," said Parvatti, the consummate tattletale.
"Draco snitched his teddy?" Snape said, "What is this, a kindergarten?"
He stared down Draco "Mr. Malfoy, please give our distinguished and accredited professor back his little teddy. I have work to do."
There was a soft boom that came for the lab, much too rumbling and deep to be any good.
"What's that? Jenkins! Creevey! What did you do to that? I said caterpillar slices!" Waving at the smoke, he descended into the darkness of the smoky classroom. The students streamed out, coughing. Double Potions was cancelled that day.
****
Later that night, Remus Lupin sat curled up on his couch. Kameron was sitting on the on the armchair, not doing much of anything. He was reading a stack of parchment. Remus poured over the thousands of words, the hundreds of carefully researched sentences, the facts, and the ideas. He was getting loopy in his head. It wasn't him they were talking about after all.
It wasn't him they hated. It was the werewolf. And the werewolves were dangerous. They would have to be slain and killed if they couldn't be tamed. It wasn't his problem.
He had no problems. He was fine.
There was a knock on his open dear.
"Remus, old lad. How about we head to Hogsmeade, get you a drink? The faculty is getting a little restless all cooped up with these tykes."
"Alright. Perhaps I shouldn't read too many of these in one sitting."
"How to kill a werewolf" Hagrid needled him. "You didn't take too many points from Draco? I could see those nasty Slytherins writin' you nasty little notes on account of that."
Remus set the pile aside. "It's for the Defense of the Dark Arts, Hagrid, very grave business. Forgive me if I don't laugh."
Hagrid picked up an essay.
"Eww." The giant man squinted at the words. "These are really… good?" Hagrid said hesitantly
"If such a thing can be good." Remus lowered his head.
"You got some… dedicated… young wizards." He grinned uncomfortably, "But I thought you taught Werewolf slaying last week, didn't you?"
"I always keep the assignments. Gives me a chance to see improvement in my students." Remus said.
Hagrid grabbed some of them. "These things'll make you paranoid. Why don't you just chuck'em away?"
"None of them are against me. It's a hypothetical situation, which will not arise. I'm very well protected here."
"Well you can put them away. We'll go out and get yeh something to drink."
Hagrid and Lupin walked to the stable.
"You're not taking her?"
"You mean the Triumph. Why not?"
"You're a braver man than I, Rubeus Hagrid."
"It's not so scary once you've tried it."
"No, I've ridden on it before but that's… I haven't seen her in ages."
"Her? You mean the bike."
"Well, not to us. She's the Black Bitch."[2]
"What?" Hagrid blushed "You mind your tongue, young man."
"Oh, sorry. No, it's just an old joke from our school days."
"Oh, there's a story there. I hope it's not too untoward. Sirius was a card. Woulda given them Weasely twins a run for their money. Pity about the way he turned out."
Remus paused and looked at her.
"One night we came back from Hogsmeade. The Marauders. Right, me, Padfoot Prongs and… him, the Wormtail, little fat Petey. He was a fifth year hanging with us. So Sirius and Petey, on account of Sirius being half blood, and Petey muggle born, had never had Gilly water. He said 'What kind of poncy drink is Gilly Water?' So we ordered Gilly Flower martinis just to mess with his head."
Hagrid shook his head. "Gilly Flower Martinis. You're daft." He was a hefty man. Normally Gilly water was about the strength of good kirsch, light and tasty. Some people didn't even realize it was alcoholic, because it wasn't exactly alcoholic. It was just something that lightened your heart through magic. But a Gilly Flower Martini had to be the most pointlessly powerful drink in the entire world. Mixing Magic and Alcohol for absolutely no reason except to cause trouble. It was the only martini they ever made at the Three Broomsticks. The Magic Gilly water mixed with two parts Ginger Djinn Gin, with a sprinkle of Green Fairy Extract (not the Absinthe but the real fairy), an olive AND an onion. It proved the adage "Never drink anything that glows brighter than a light bulb" Or "Never mix drinks."
"Cor, I couldn't finish one of those. I think I'm allergic to Ginger Djinn Gin." Hagrid said.
"Sirius had three and a half before he passed out. So we thought we'd do him a favor. He didn't wake up for over twenty-four hours. We'd thought we have to pull him to potions by day two. He was still so hung over we had to say he'd been knocked in the head by a bludger. Well that was later. So we got back, put him to bed. And Sirius was still sleeping. See, Bike was there. We called it Bike in those days, like it was a 5th Marauder, before she had her name. And we were all sore at him, getting stupid stinking drunk when we only got regular drunk. So we painted Bike."
"You painted on it?"
"James drew naked ladies on it."
"Naked Ladies? James Potter, the prefect?" Hagrid was pink.
"Well, I didn't. I wasn't drunk enough. I did write her name right on it. The Black Bitch. Ultimately we, well, we though it would be funny if, well, you see, Sirius was a ladies man, but he didn't have a girlfriend. God, he loved that bike. He used to polish it everyday. He loved that bike. People thought he was talking about his girl… He even took a picture of it and put it in his wallet. So we put a little name on her. I can't believe I'm telling you this. I feel like you're going to take points off Gryffindor."
"Oh well, if it taught all of you to keep away from that nonsense and carrying on…"
"It was my 70 points from Gryffindor. Black never let any of us ride her again. He put a sound charm on it so James couldn't even touch it."
"We have our wild days. Sometimes I used to sneak away from the tour group at Hogsmeade and go to the livery. Without even permission. Once I even got lost from my group; that sure set me straight."
"You were a rebel then, Hagrid." Remus smiled.
"Well, I got over that. Now I always try to follow as many rules as I can remember. 'Course, when I get angry it's a lil hard on my memory."
"Yes."
They sat on the bike and rode on in silence.
Remus looked at Bike's gas tank. He fingered the unsightly black paint marks on it, covering her proud title.
That was a bit of a lie. He had been on Black's Bitch once or twice after that. There was a time when they could ride like this. Remus would hold onto Sirius. That was a trip. "Scaring off the squares" as he put it. Driving on the road on Bike (Sirius rarely used her full title) next to all the other cars. They both had two awful helmets that looked like they came from a World War II airplane. Their brains must have been safe, clearly hiding in lower parts of their anatomy.
Remus sighed. He missed those nights. They didn't think about where they were going. They didn't know and they laughed their asses off all the way.
Once there had been this time when there was this family driving in an old station wagon. Sirius drove up to the car. Remus waved at some of the kids. One had a baseball cap. The other was a girl with a Barbie doll which she made wave at them.
The mother pushed them down from the window with the typical "Don't look at those dirty strange men" speech. They had heard it often enough to fill in the words. She gave them a dirty look.
Sirius smirked and flew in the air right by her window.
She pointed, swearing, at her husband, smacking him awake.
Sirius winked.
The driver stared right at him and flipped him the bird.
The children jumped in the air in shock and delight that their Daddy had done something bad. The mother hit him again, apparently disapproving of such a rude gesture.
Remus gasped. Sirius tightened his gaze.
"Booo."
Sirius growled and little fangs appeared. Remus felt himself growling as well.
The couple clutched each other. The father jerked the wheel in the opposite direction. Sirius panicked, a look of dread washed over his face.
"No."
The car's bald tires skidded into the edge of the fence. There was a loud crash and a pop; smoke started spewing everywhere.
Sirius stopped his bike. His cigarette dropped out of his mouth.
The Muggles pulled themselves out of the car and the father picked up the little girl and ran away.
Sirius was frozen like a rabbit right in the middle of the road. Remus slapped him in the face.
"Get the hell out of here, you bloody bastard. Fly!"
He took to the air, quickly abandoning the crash site.
They waited in the dark clearing by the stream. They both got off Bike.
"Oh God. Oh Bloody Hell. Maybe he'll think it was all a dream. I don't… That was enough. We almost..." Remus babbled in fear. He could almost feel himself hyperventilating. He just started trembling as he walked about thinking about what had happened. He had always had excellent hindsight and quick reflexes.
Sirius sat on a rock in the dark smoking, nothing, not a sound, not a word.
"What in the Hell did we just do?" Remus pulled himself together. "What were you fucking thinking?" Remus growled audibly at Sirius.
Sirius sat on the rock, just dumb.
"Why don't you say something?" Remus growled.
Sirius looked up at him. Remus couldn't bear the silence. He shoved Sirius
"Why are you just sitting there?"
Sirius looked down. "Shit." He was trembling. His eyes were haunted. For a second, he saw everything, like death and life and magic and power. It was fun doing magic, but someone could have gotten killed right there. God, if that wasn't an improper use of magic. He was just frozen. It was the first time Remus saw Sirius really scared. Sirius with the life knocked out of him, like something had smacked him in the face and he understood all kinds of dark secrets. Sirius didn't spook easily, but when he did he froze instead of fought. Remus couldn't blame him for lacking the natural instincts that a werewolf learned.
Remus couldn't yell at him when he was like that. Nothing could be worse than the fear inside his own head. Besides, he didn't think swearing like a longshoreman would help. The worst possible thing that you could do to Sirius Black was give him enough time to really think about what he was doing.
Sirius could have cried like a kid with a skinned knee. He might just have begun swearing himself. But he just took a drag of his cigarette, trying not to shake.
"I didn't mean…" Sirius shook his head.
"You weren't thinking. I shouldn't have come." Remus shook his head "You never think, damn."
"You saved me. I just..."
"Oh shut up." Remus said. He looked around. "We can just leave it like this. We gotta get back."
"Yeah. They were just scared." Sirius clutched himself. "God it's cold. I'm cold." He took another long drag and a deep shaky breath after.
"No harm, no foul," Remus smiled "Let's just get away."
That was the first time he saw Sirius scared. Those eyes filling up in the darkness, bluey light eyes, kind of mad, sucking in all the danger and darkness. No fun, no laughs, just fear.
He was quiet for a long time. Remus took his bitch seat on the bike twined his arms around Sirius.
"I hope we get back. I feel shaky. Too much to drink and that… they are all right?"
"Yeah, I'm behind you. We just can't…"
"Christ, they were scared. We didn't do anything, I mean…"
"Oh, they just got a little scared," Remus shook his head.
"They were scared of me… Christ. I've never seen anybody scared of me." Sirius shook his head. Remus didn't feel it anymore. People always stared at him suspiciously. He belonged one of the most hated races in the world.
"People look that way when you have the propensity to grow fangs and bite people."
"You know, there is that muggle saying 'It is better to be feared than loved.' You know what?" Sirius said.
"It's Horseshit?" Remus finished his thought.
"Yeah." Sirius smiled "Horse shit."
They were flying over the ground before Sirius said something else.
"Don't let me do anything really stupid."
"Don't let you?" Remus shook his head "You're cracked, Black."
"I'm serious. Don't let me… bite me or just stop me."
"Who am I? Your mum?"
"It's fair. I give you someone to talk to on your moon. I run with you. I put a little spice in your life. Just… if I ever go too far, pull me the hell back with whatever claw you need to."
"I'm not going to let you do anything. But it's your business. You're responsible for yourself."
"Remus, I'll shape up. But when you got someone depending on you to be safe and take care of them, it just gives you something to think about. That's why folks have kids. They need someone that they want to look out for. Even if they don't do a good job of it."
"You asking me to be your mummy?" Remus said coldly.
"Forget it. Then just sit there. Put your hands on my waist. I'll drive safer."
Remus looked at Sirius. Sirius looked at him. He understood. Remus complied and tightened his grip. Everyone needs someone to take care of.
"I can do that."
"That's my Mooney."
"How could I let you down, Padfoot old bean."
They drove back as quietly as they could.
To misconstrue that moment as anything more then that was silly.
Now Remus was on the Bitch with Hagrid and nothing was happening. He was surprised that he still fit. He was older himself; maybe even a few inches taller, but still the Black Bitch welcomed him back.
Maybe in retrospect he could construct some delusion that he and Sirius were destined to pair up sometime. Hardly, though.
The rowdiest they ever got with each other at school were a few sweaty games of 'Pass the Wand.' He was never the same when he came out. There were some who argued that it was a far better Wizards' game that Quidditch; all of them, of course, were looney sexual perverts. The game involved putting the fortunate wand down a witch's brassiere. Of course, then the witch was obliged to drop the wand down a wizard's trousers. And to make it truly difficult (read: dirty) all handling of the wand had to be done with one's teeth—no hands allowed. Everyone who went to Hogwarts had a decent 'Pass the Wand' story. Even Bill Weasley, their first year minion (James didn't want to call him their fag.) At the tender age of 13 he got to put his face straight into Bambi McGonagall's chest. He was never quite the same afterwards. James and Lily were by far the King and Queen of 'Pass the wand.' Of course being the best player didn't necessarily mean you were the sleaziest. The only reason Sirius was so bad was because he forgot what he was doing, sticking his nose down the witch's shirt. The only one worse than Sirius was Fushcia White (Later Fuschia Brown, Lavender's mother) who kept going to the bathroom.
"Well you ruined another 'Pass the Wand', Pinky old gal." Sirius said.
"It's not my fault." Remus mumbled with the wand between his teeth.
"The game must go on."
Sirius pinned him.
"You adapting the rules again, Black."
"Oh yes." Sirius nibbled the wand as Remus squirmed, giggling as Sirius mounted him. Sirius grabbed the wand in his teeth. Remus, also in a dirty mood, held on. They played tug of war, growling seductively. Soon the canine impulse took over. Neither was willing to let go they tugged it back. The house was roaring with laughter and shock. If anybody was horny enough to do that in public, it was Sirius Black. Sirius pushed Remus against the ground softly, pinning him.
Eventually Sirius slipped his drunken mouth over Remus's. They kissed for blessed seconds.
Fuschia came back from the bathroom to find Sirius mounting Remus's hips
"What are you two doing!?"
"Fuschia, I can't believe you missed it. Sirius was smugging on Mooney like he was a pork chop. Revolting display of lust and lechery," Lily said in her best Girl's Prefect voice. "You miss all the fun. You miss all the fun." She chanted.
"You are some wild woman, Lily." Peter said.
Fuschia pointed at them "You've been at school too long. You two are going funny."
"Lighten up, Fuschia." Lily said.
"Not like I didn't see you and Dru passing the wand last round, Lily Evans. Boarding school does it to the best of us.[3]" She shoved Remus out of the way.
"Oh, don't get get so catty, Fuschia, you're next." Sirius pounced on her and pulled her into his lap.
"Always in heat." Remus shook his head towards Drucilla.
"You skipped me, Remus." She patted Sirius's face. "I can't forgive you."
"Round five?" Petey said from the sidelines. Pass the wand was also a great spectator sport.
"You can't say unless you play."
Petey screwed up his brow "No way. Then there are too many boys. I'm not letting Sirius get his big meaty hands on me."
"You thought it was groovy when I had to kiss Lily." Drucilla said.
"That's 'cause you're girls. That's hot." Petey admitted.
Remus laughed. Sirius hooted.
Lily, Dru, Daisy and Fuschia smacked the boys in unison, all at once
"One girl and one guy. That's a perfect number for 'Pass the wand,' if Fuschia doesn't keep going to the bathroom. On the other hand, Remus seemed to be having more fun than you." Lily ruffled Remus's hair.
Fuschia leaned in Sirius's arms. "You know, Evans, you're just as sickoid as Potter is. Aye."
"Match made in heaven." Sirius smiled. "Or by a certain expert matchmaker."
"You mean one with the Initials S.O.B." Remus whispered audibly.
"Muzzle it, Mooney!!!"
Of course he was glossing over several horrendous issues. For example the Peter-James kiss at the end of 5th when Peter got more Owls than Snape. Right smack on the lips. Then when Remus escorted Lily to the Dragon Moon Ball on New Years in honor of the great Chuu-lin flying across Europe, that was only late fourth year. They'd certainly kissed that night; (but it was bad luck not to kiss someone when the dragon flew through the skies). Then obviously the infamous double-team drag-down at the Potter-Evans wedding. It had been a battlefield of smooches. When Sirius had to kiss Lily to show her what she was missing. James was put off as the seconds passed. He kept looking at the second hand on his watch.
"I feel left out."
Remus, who had been drinking every bottle of champagne that Sirius ordered for all of them, grabbed the newlywed and let him have at it. Of course, Peter pulled him back before it could become a French kiss. Of course, there was also the infamous picture of both Remus and Sirius smooching Peter on the each cheek as he stood with a horrified look on his face, of which Remus Lupin had the only copy in existence. They finally had all kissed each other on that day and thus the first chapter of their lives as the Marauders seemed to end.
It all seemed to end a chapter in their lives. It ended their old ways…their old ways. Everything… brushed away so quickly after Lily and James died. Peter dead. Sirius a killer. Even if he wasn't. Even if he couldn't….
Then only the fear. The coldness. He remembered looking at the graves, feeling like the last man on Earth. He went by Peter Pettigrew's grave, looking at the flowers sent by all the strangers who had heard he died. Even a few misinformed muggles who had heard he died. Just the sight of his grave defiled by all that color and joyous flowers that Peter could never see, all the things that that he would never experience. He ran in there and ripped all the flowers down off it and screamed. Invoking all of his misplaced feral anger against the bouquets. He proved to everyone that his temper was not always so easy going. He got kicked out of the cemetery by muggle pulease. It had been hard for his parents to bail him out of Muggle jail. Remus Lupin didn't go to cemeteries anymore. And if he made plans to die, he'd never choose to be buried in one. Weren't you supposed to bury a werewolf at a crossroads anyway?
Petey… Wormtail. Who could change into a rat? He tried so hard for him. Showing off his sleek form. "Look Moonie. I did it."
But why? Then to use it so coldly. Remus couldn't even begin to forgive him. He didn't exist. Petey had died somewhere and the rat had taken over. Remus hated himself for living. He wanted to be angry. He wanted to go out and rip the moon down from the sky. He wanted to tear the world apart with his claws. The transformations grew so bad that he broke his wrist on the manacles. He couldn't conjure his Patronus for two years after the incident.
But he never wanted to kill Sirius. He never did. He just thought of Sirius's eyes, cold and filling with dark. The darkness inside. Remus knew Dementors. Sirius couldn't have imagined such things. They ghosted into the room as the Ministry guard made themselves scarce.
Sirius had always been a bit of a poser. He would have been furious that he hadn't gotten a trial. He wasn't even allowed to speak. But he was standing there, the same old Sirius Black. He wouldn't let the bastards see him grovel.
That's what the world remembered as they saw Black taken away to Azkaban. But Remus Lupin saw only one thing: Black's eyes when he first saw the Dementors.
This cold fear filling darkness into his bright eyes. Everything dark and nasty and cruel in the world swirling on grey cold mist, things in himself, the things he had done, things he had thought. What did he see?
Sirius Black gave up hope in escaping. If he had struggled, if he had wept for mercy, Remus would have spit in his face. If he had even cried. But all he did was lift his hand. He let the Dementor take his hand. He lifted it up. But the Dementors have no hands. They have no bodies. They are made of evil and darkness and fear. Remus was sure everyone around him could here him panting, falling apart. The Dementors had come for him.
Sirius looked back at him, still holding the Dementor's hand.
He shook his head at Remus, to him alone in the entire world.
Remus clenched his fists so white that his nails cut his hand.
Remus screamed, "You bloody bastard, what have you done?"
The crowd riled around him, someone pulled him out before he did something stupid. He didn't want to get jailed again, even if it was a wizard's jail. He watched him go…
Hagrid turned around. "You fall off er somefin?"
"I'm just thinking about the old days, Hagrid. It was such a strange time…"
"Oi, being close as conies with Sirius Black. I remember when he was a decent, stand up chap. I can't believe he'd go so rotten."
"I'm not in the mood to be out and about."
"You sure."
"Why don't you go ahead? I can apparate back to the edge of the field. It's not too far a walk."
"You sure, Remus?"
"Yes. I don't think a full-grown wizard has anything to worry about. I think I just needed a ride."
Hagrid kept his eye on Remus as the bike drove away. He waved with a puzzled look on his face. He couldn't free a fish from water he supposed. But still Hagrid drove off with a sour feeling in his mouth.
Remus grabbed Kameron off the armchair. He held him tight. He could be found later sleeping in his parlor, with the teddy in his arms.
[1] My University has a copy of the Honor Code in every class. Why shouldn't Hogwarts have one?
Snape: Slytherins.
Draq: Oh yeah…
[2] To L Squared
She is my beta.
She is my friend.
Her grammar power never ends.
She made Black's Bitch
(a greatly bike.)
She is a person that I like.
But I cannot claim her for my own,
Lizzy copyrighted her.
So ask her… something something bone.
[3] I should know I go to an all women's University… heh heh
