Lesson 8- If you give a mouse a cookie…
That night at dinner when the werewolves had drove away. The school had almost returned to some semblance of normalcy, but that night at dinner.
"I would like to make an announcement." Dumbledore stood up.
"We would like to congratulate Professor Remus J. Lupin in his wonderful news. The LOLLIPOP has informed us that he is going to have a baby."
The dining hall actually sat quiet.
"Mr. Lupin will continue to teach until it becomes convenient and necessary to take his maternity leave."
Harry smiled, "I can't believe it… Can you believe it? It has to be a miracle."
"I wouldn't doubt it if he was pregnant. Pregnant women are scary." Fred said.
Harry said, "It will be so cool when there's a baby about. Remus will be a great father."
Hermione shook her head "I mean he has been mothering things. Like my old dog. She used to pull up blankets and cuddle my teddies."
"Hey, He had a teddy. Do you think that he was practicing for his puppies?" Ginny asked.
"Yes and the way he's been wandering around. Looking for strange places to nap."
"He must be acting like a wolf."
"Can a man get pregnant?" Parvatti said "That sounds just messed up."
"Well he does change his body into a big wolf. Maybe he can change his parts into a woman." Lavender shrugged.
"That's like changing a tortoise into a teakettle."
"I've just never heard of it." Parvatti insisted.
Hermione said, "It happened before in 1834. Darryl P. Maxwell. Since they didn't have anywhere for the baby to come out, they had to do a Cesarian section." Hermione picked up her dinner roll. "Like this, the diagrams showed. Cutting him from his belly button. To his-" She tired to cut her dinner roll with a butter knife. "Then across his stomach…."
Ron gulped. Lee Jordan fainted. Even Harry covered his midsection.
"Gives you boys a lesson in birth control." Hermione said, scooping out potatoes graphically.
"He's such a tiny fellow. They can't do that kind of surgery on him." Ron said.
Harry hadn't considered how dangerous it could be for him. But that was over a hundred years ago. They might have found some safer way… on the other hand, people hadn't researched it in 300 hundred years.
The Gryffindor table was a buzz with conversation.
"It's impossible… A man can't have a baby."
"He can if he wants too."
"No he can't."
"Yes he can."
"How is the baby going to survive? Without a womb."
"Where's he going to put the baby, in a box?[1]"
Harry listened to the many heated conversations at the Gryffindore table as her finished his supper. This was certainly going to make a lot harder and Hogwarts for poor Remus, and Sirius was no where to be found. Perhaps Harry should inform him. Sirius would have to find out.
But on the other hand, Remus should be the one to tell him. He was the baby's mother. Harry resolved to send him an owl right away.
***
Meanwhile, far away from the faculty table, Remus lupin was in Hagrid's hut.
Hagrid placed a large plate in front of Lupin.
"Here you are, Remus. Now, Mrs. Lightfoot said lots of good food for you."
"Hagrid I can take care of my own dinner. I can just eat in the dinning hall."
"Oh yeh need someone to take care of ya. I like making dinner and the animals like you about. It's certainly more pleasant than making it for the harpies."
Remus looked at the slab of scorched red meat on his plate
"Now you need extra protein. So you just eat up everythin on your lil plate there." Hagrid smiled.
"Mutton." Lupin looked at the plate with worry. He didn't like beef or mutton except on certain occasions.
"Yeah. Just the thing for a mommy."
Remus looked down at it. A big bloody hunk of red meat, practically mooing. He poked it. There was something different this time.
"It looks fabulous." Remus said with surprise. He tucked into it.
"I thought you would like it." Hagrid left Lupin to get him something to drink.
Lupin had already his teeth around the flank of the mutton
"Ha then. That's the spirit."
Lupin didn't speak while eating.
Hagrid scolded his table manners "Now big bites. Don't chew it too much. There's too much flavor. Try not to chew, just tear it off."
"This is fabulous." Lupin smiled, "I don't even like mutton. You are a good cook."
"Hah. This'll do you good I think. I think you're just a little puckish."
Lupin grabbed the tankard and drained it, without looking at it.
"I don't like milk. It gives me gas… I think I'm…lactose intolerant."
Lupin wiped it off his mouth and his milk moustache.
"Probably your digestion is changing a bit. You just wait."
Lupin had nearly tucked away the entire plate of mutton, by the time Hagrid walked back. Boy that boy could eat. How could he stay so skinny.
"A nice salmon steak."
"I couldn't."
"Just the thing for a mommy wolf."
"Ooh I couldn't… well since you cooked it."
Remus poked at it and put his wooden fork in his mouth.
"Just think you're eating for two now."
"You know I'm not so hungry."
"Rubbish I know you are. Now, what's wrong then?"
"Well it's hard and hot and I want it cool. Do you have the piece that's not cooked?"
"Oh certainly."
He walked to the fridge and pulled out a big slab of salmon. He placed
"Defrostorium." Hagrid snapped.
The slab of raw fish sat on the plate. Remus sighed.
"Gotta get your blood …"
"Eww blood. Not so much. Could you rinse the blood out? It's yucky."
"Come on eat it, blood's good for you." Hagrid poked the fish. Remus swooned covered his mouth.
"Is there anyway you could rinse off the blood?
"In nice cold running water. We'll just leave it sit."
Hagrid grabbed the plate and walked to the sink. He turned on the faucet and rinsed the salmon till it got soggy and the pink drained out. About twenty minutes passed and…
"No blood." He put it in a paper towel. "A nice raw, uncooked, bloodless, salmon steak."
Remus took a tiny bite
"It's kind of soggy now. Will you trim the soggy bits off?"
"Well of course it's soggy," Hagrid said practically "I washed the blood off."
"I don't want to be a problem." Remus cowered.
"No, no. I'll trim the soggy bits off."
"You will? Thank you, Hagrid."
Hagrid took out his knife and snipped all the soggy white bits of fish.
"There you go now. A nice bloodless, raw, uncooked, salmon steak with the soggy bits trimmed off."
Remus smiled and tried to bite it.
"It's too cold. It hurts my teeth."
"Well, it is raw." Hagrid tried not to laugh or shout.
"I don't need to eat it if it is cold. I can just let it go."
"No we've got to find some way to heat it up. Since it's not cooked."
"Could you put it in the microwave oven for 10 seconds? So that the skin gets warm and the flesh is cool."
"Micro what oven?"
"Microwave. It makes things hot fast. I have one in my apartment in Manchester. But it doesn't burn stuff like magical fire. I don't want to pick off the cooked parts."
"We don't have anything like that in Hogwarts. All the house elves cook everything."
"But I don't want it cooked, I want it warmed." Remus pounded his fist.
"I don't… you're going to eat it." Hagrid was getting a little frazzled.
"They have them in petrol stations." Remus began to beam.
"Petrol Stations?"
"Yes. I remember you go in and they have burittoes. You buy Petrol for Bike don't you."
"Yeah. Thirteen miles away."
"Great. You can go warm it up and I'll wait. And get me a buritto too"
"Thirteen miles away?"
"Yes. But only for ten seconds. More than that and it will cook the flesh."
"Alright."
Hagrid walked to the stables got on his bike with the salmon under his arm. He drove for 20 up to the petrol station in the bike.
"Do you have Microphone oven."
"You mean Microwave. No, but the 'Gas and Gulp' has it down the road. Bout 10 miles."
Hagrid mounted the bike. He could smell the salmon already. It was leaking onto his clean overcoat.
He saw the gas station up ahead and said a short prayer.
He finally arrived at the Gas and Gulp, propped his bike and walked in.
"Do you have a microphone oven?"
"Micro what? No. That's for paying customers."
"Oh, alright."
"And none of them gold gag coins those boys up there at the school give me. People trying to pay me in solid gold. I'll get fired."
Hagrid checked his pockets.
"I thought I had a pound somewhere."
But alas he remembered he left all the muggle money in his sock drawer at Hogwarts."
"Come on man. It's solid silver." Hagrid said.
"No gag coins. We do everything except Euros."
"I don't have any muggle money."
Hagrid drove the 23 miles back to Hogwarts.
"Unbelievable the cheek on some people. He wouldn't let me use the microwave unless I bought something. Wouldn't even let me use wizards money..."
"Oh. You didn't use the microwave." Remus sighed.
"Well no."
"It's alright I'm not hungry, you shouldn't go to so much trouble…"
"It's no problem."
"I just won't eat it."
"No I'll just go up and get my muggle money and drive back and then I'll microwave your salmon and drive back."
"Thank you Hagrid." Lupin smiled.
"Can I use your microwave now?" Hagrid told the clerk.
"Sure. You have to buy something."
"Let's see I got a pound here somewhere." He put the pound note on the counter.
He took the salmon and looked at the microwave oven.
"I'd like a frozen bean burrotail or whatever."
Hagrid lifted the salmon
"Hey you what you doing?"
He shoved the salmon in trying to fit it into the tiny box.
"You can't cook a whole fish in there." The clerk said.
"Well where else am I supposed to microwave a fish?" Hagrid said sharply. He took a deep breath and put the salmon in the microwave.
The clerk looked as the big guy fit a whole salmon inside the microwave.
"You press ten. There is no ten second button." Hagrid scratched his beard, "Popcorn, burger, coffee. No salmon button. How do you make it work for ten seconds?"
The clerk stared and pointed at the button.
Hagrid watched the wee black box and carefully inspected.
"Oh no it's cooking. Take it out take it out."
Hagrid opened the microwave oven door and blew on it. "I'll just cut it off."
He grabbed his bean burro tail, seeing as it was almost ten at night and he hadn't had a bit of food in his own stomach.
At the end of his long drive he opened the door to his hut.
"Here is your salmon all microwave warmed, delivered by bike, bloodless, uncooked salmon steak with all the soggy bits chopped off."
He took another tiny bite.
"This fish is cleaned."
"Yes I spent all last night cleaning it."
"Well, I don't want it cleaned."
"I only got two salmon and I cleaned them both."
"Well where did you clean the fish?"
"In the pumpkin patch.".
"Why don't you get all the scales you scraped off and put them in a cup and then we can pour them on like a sauce."
Hagrid rose to his feet again
"Okay."
Hagrid went outside to his backyard with a small cup and he grabbed the glops of dead fish scales all over. Putting them in a tiny cup. He walked back in his hut, where inside Remus Lupin sat patiently sat. He sat down, poured the dead fish scales on the piece of microwave warmed, delivered by bike, bloodless, uncooked salmon steak with all the soggy bits chopped off. He collapsed on the table completely exhausted.
"Enjoy your dinner, Remus."
Remus smiled brightly, "I don't mean to be a bother."
Hagrid looked at him.
Remus looked at the steak. Grabbed it in his hand and shoved it in his mouth with one bite. He licked his fingers and settled back.
"That was yummy."
Hagrid looked hopelessly at his friend.
"Ooh can I have a bite of your burrito, Hagrid." Remus said.
****
The next morning, Remus woke up rather early so he would have time to move his painting to the far wall, and move his chiffarobe to the opposite end of the room. He began on the couch. By then there was no time for breakfast. He rushed down the hall to his 1st year class.
On the way to Defense against the Dark Arts, Remus Lupin was stopped by feeling an eraser chucked at his head.
Peeves was outside the door of the class.
"Floozy Loopy Lupin. Got knocked up."
"You detestable creature, get away."
"I hates you. Your baby too. I'm gonna get your little puppy cub."
Lupin clutched his wand. "You do and I'll call an exorcist."
Poltergeist were generally just bothersome creatures. But their favorite crime was stealing and eating babies and replacing them with Changeling demons.
"You kept away from my child."
"Poncy Pansy Easy Sleezy Floozy Loopy Lupin. Watch your baby's crib."
"Peeves!" The Bloody Barron and Nearly Headless Nick appeared.
"Your Bloodiness… I was just… just…" Peeves ran off.
"They act like this never happened before. Humans." Nick shook his head a wee bit so that it flopped the other way.
"Well it hasn't, exactly." The bloody Barron put his had to his hip assertively. "But Lupin in the eyes of the church is a disgraced woman… Even if he is a gentleman."
Meanwhile the paintings were discussing the news among themselves.
The Fat Lady said "Remus Lupin. I sensed something was wrong, but such a studious and polite creature palling up with that rogue Sirius Black?" the Fat Lady hated the criminal and had only recently been attacked by him "That Sirius Black was a no good egg from the beginning. There was only one time Remus ever got any points taken off, I'm sure it was James Potter's fault."
The North Tower knight, Sir Cadogan appeared "Forsooth, we shall find the rogue who take Lady Lupin's Honor and castigate the foul fiend."
The Fat Lady shook her head "I am not explaining it to him again."
***
Later that day Remus was in his office.
"Professor Lupin."
"Come in here, Harry."
Harry
"I want to tell you. You've been very good about all of this."
"Yes well. You are the nicest teacher I ever had and I guess it would be good to have you have a godfather-in-law kind of."
"I've decided. If my baby is a girl I'll name her Lily, Lilith maybe, for the papers."
"After Mum."
"Yes. She was a lovely woman but never the less completely unique."
"Lillith Lupin-Black, or just Lupin. I feel like I've got little sister coming."
"Well I suppose I have to chose a name. Sirius did have a pair of love birds named Aldeberan and Bossa Nova. He has no head for naming things. He'd probably want to name her Cassieopea. He'd probably name a boy Beetle Juice if he could."
"Remus, you will be a great mum and dad. You don't need to worry about that."
"Thank you, Harry."
"One day I'll call you Uncle Remus."
"How about you call me Uncle Mooney. The other sounds like Brer Rabbit. But not until…"
"Of course not Professor Lupin."
"Lil will be a lucky girl to have you in our family."
***
"I don't think I could handle another night of that."
"Oh Hagrid, you are so selfish. He is in a fragile state." McGonagall scolded him.
"I spent 2 hours driving to a muggle petrol station to warm his fish. I don't think I can handle tea with him. I might say something I'd regret."
"We should be sensitive."
"I'll skin your rabbits for a full week. I'll get you more unicorn hairs than you can imagine."
"Very well. I'll take tea with Professor Lupin." McGonagall said "If you must be so full of yourself."
"I can't help it. It's just it makes me so very sad, for Poor poor Remus."
"What are you talking about?"
"Well think about, Hagrid? The baby?" McGonagall said.
"Sirius Black's love child. Think on that. Her father's a criminal on the run. And he's a poor innocent man."
"What are you talking about."
"Remus told me everything at dinner… It's enough to break your heart. Poor Black innocent, and now his poor little girl and Remus, left alone."
Hagrid began bawling and sniffling "The baby doesn't have a Daddy."
"Oh Hagrid. Remus is having a fit. He's having a small episode, because of all the stress he's been under. Regardless of Black's innocence, I can tell you that with 100% certainty, Remus is not bearing the love child of Sirius Black."
"But Sirius didn't do it."
"It's just. You know that, I know that, Even Remus might now that… But the baby doesn't do know that."
Minerva took a long puzzled look at Hagrid "If that made any sense I might be worried about you."
She picked up her book "I'll see Remus for tea."
"Thanks, Perfessor." Hagrid blew him nose, "I won't forget this."
***
Minerva walked to Lupin's quarters. Over Professor Lupin's door Peeves was writing deflammatory comments on Professor Lupin's character and morals: "STRUMPET!" He climbed the ladder, chuckling maniacally, trying to spell out "Libertine".
McGonagall crossed her arms "Peeves."
Peeves looked at McGonagall and vanished.
"Honestly."
She kicked the brush aside.
Immediately four baby house elves appeared and whispered. Then they climbed on each others' shoulders and erased the s. And nodded satisfied with themselves. They skittered away before Lupin opened the door.
Remus Lupin opened the door.
"Is Peeves back?"
"Yes. But I scared him off."
"He wants to get my baby. You know how poltergeist are."
"I wouldn't trust Peeves as far as I could throw him."
Remus looked up "Why did he write 'Trumpet' on my door?"
"I have no idea."
"Oi, you four. Will you please fix that?"
"Yes, Professor, Sir. It be our favoritest pleasure." The elves piped
"Thank you." Remus nodded uncomfortably.
McGonagall walked in Remus's room.
"Now, Remus, it's good to see you."
"Have some tea? It's Darjeeling, decaffeinated."
McGonogall nodded. Remus poured tea into his maple leaf tea cups.
"Oh, so how is the child?"
"Oh, she's doing all right."
"It's a she?" McGonagall paused.
"Yes. A mother knows." Remus looked down."
McGonagall coughed. "I'm sure she'll be a very sweet and pretty little girl."
"Oh yes, all of Sirius Black's sisters were beautiful. Altair was a little sweetie. Polaris had some nice features when she wasn't scowling."
McGonagall stirred her disbelief into her tea trying not to look too sarcastic.
"I'm an only child, after all. Oh, I always had an envy for people with their own brothers and sisters."
"There were six of us. We could have been our own Quidditch team. Diana and Artemisia, Minerva , Vesta, and then of course little brother Adonis and Bambi."
"Bambi? The Slyther-slut? I remember her. Damn. She was your sister?"
"I haven't heard that name in ages."
"I'm sorry. It's just, I can't imagine you two related…"
"I can only thank Providence that I taught her for only one year. She fulfilled her requirement quickly. After she got Azrael Bale fired, DaDA is cursed, isn't it. She went on to Love Potions."
Remus sipped more tea.
"Whatever possessed our parents to have five girls? They weren't Catholic."
Remus Lupin looked at his tea.
"Always squabbling over who gets to the butter last, always scurrying around. Always tearing at each others' hair. Who got the second hand broom? Who got to go out and who had to babysit. Who got to listen to the TV, who got their pretty green dress first…"
Remus began glazing over. His eyes became liquid.
"Oh, Remus, don't cry. You mustn't."
Remus was bawling into her chest.
"A baby needs brothers and sisters. She'll grow up so lonely. And sisters teach you so much about living. She's my only little treasure. I'll never be able to have another."
"Oh Remus it's not."
Remus howled.
Minerva tried to pat him on the back.
Snape began walking down the hall.
"Where is Miss McGonagall? I have to talk to her about revising the lesson plans while Lupin is recovering his wits."
"She is taking tea with Mr. Lupin today."
"Fabulous. It'll be a darling baby shower." Snape rolled his eyes. "I'll go talk to her myself.
Minerva and Remus were both crying demonstratively, and began pouring over photographs of the McGonagall family.
McGonagall shook her head, blowing her nose.
"Donis was killed in a bizarre Apparating accident. Foul play no doubt, he was always nosey. He was a Treasure Hunter for Gringots."
"It's okay, Minnie darling." Lupin hugged her. "You have a good cry."
"I have to go send an owl to all my sisters." McGonagall squeezed Remus and walked off.
"You do that, Minnie Mouser. I've got to go."
"Now don't hurt yourself, Remus." Minerva bawled into his shabby red robe.
"I won't, my friend. Oh." Remus whimpered.
What on Earth? Snape thought to himself.
He had known McGonogall for decades and still he couldn't call her Minnie. Snape frowned as the dour tightlipped woman, was sniffling and bawling like a witch with a skinned knee.
"Oh Severus. Excuse me." Minerva shook her head. She blew her nose.
"What are you crying on, McGonagall?"
"It's just tragic, how fragile a family can be. Poor Remus. Poor dear Remus. He's so alone in the world. He can't even tell his mother. She'd kill him for sleeping around and getting into… I just can't think about it… I-I-" She threw her arms around Severus
"I think his condition is spreading." Snape disengaged her, tried to stand her up on her feet.
"You better keep away from Lupin." Severus said.
"I promised Hagrid I would take tea with Remus." Minerva said.
"Well get someone else. You're a mess. Listening to Lupin can't be any good. Look at you Minerva." Snape brushed her tears off "Why did you never show me any family photos?"
"You know them already… Why would I have too? Vesta was in Slytherin, if you've forgotten already."
"No, of course not. Any red blooded man would remember her… Even the green blooded and the yellow blooded ones remember her…" Snape said, the oddest look on his face "Now that is a woman. Vesta McGonagall."
The pensive look on Snape's face was punctuated by a catty raven, whistling like a wolf , "Hubba hubba. Vesta."
Minerva glared at the raven. She never liked that bird.
"I'm just pointing something out. You never showed me photos of you as kids." Snape said, "Don't get so defensive. And you know your sister is a bit of a beauty. Have you ever had anyone tell you differently?"
Minerva crossed her arms "I know she knows how to manipulate stupid men."
"Of course, It'd be a shame for it to go to waste."
"Well if Remus wasn't having 'Sirius Black's' baby, I was going to set him up with one of them."
"You never set me up with your sister." Snape cocked his head to the other side, "I wonder what Vesta is up to now. I haven't owled her in a long time. I wonder if she's changed owls yet…"
McGonagall glared at him "Do be quiet, Snape."
"What were we talking about… Oh yes, Lupin." Snape shook his head, "Well there has to be someone else who can help you?"
"You're right. I might be a little too emotional for Remus… Perhaps we should find someone who isn't so affected by his poor suffering. Oh Poor Remus."
"Well you do need someone to visit with him to prevent him from going crazier." Snape said "Someone who makes good tea perhaps, someone won't fall apart when he starts talking about his stupid fake baby. " Snape said straightening his robes.
"I believe I shall ask Mr. Flitwick."
"Well I won't protest.… Flitwick."
"Yes."
"But you never asked…"
"Thank you Severus but I couldn't risk him." McGonagall sighed, "He'd probably rip off your head."
"Why am I always out of the loop?" Snape said to the closed door.
[1] Life of Brian
